Critique the opening of my book

[Virgin 20/m/UK !VIRGIN/FJM No.3736185]

Title: What's the point in writing Books?

Author: Jack I. C_____

Quote: "What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold!"

Body:
"

"Chapter 1: I have nothing to say and I will say it."

" Please don't read this book. I didn't mean to do this book, I did it by accident. I have nothing to say, and books are meant to say something. I don't have any passion to speak of, and even if I did I wouldn't know how to word it. I don't have original thoughts, I downloaded all of my thoughts from the internet and they require severe patching.

Oh God not this again. Please, not this again.

OK, OK, I will try not to do this again, I know everyone's been doing it. God, you're making me nervous, I just want you to like my book. OK, I will give you a character to analyze and make intelligent thoughts about. I don't have a name for the character yet so let's just call it "Female Character".

Female Character, say something:

"What?" said Female Character, surprised to find herself existing.

Introduce yourself to the audience.

"Fuck off weirdo", Female Character exclaimed.

Now listen here bitch, I created you, you do what I say, you better start behaving like a psychologically deep character who is also a symbol for something of greater importance or I will smudge you out of existence.

"I'm getting my boyfriend to beat you up", Female Character said.

What? You don't have a boyfriend.

Suddenly Female Character's muscular boyfriend appeared, and he looked pissed.

"

What do you think?

[Anonymous No.3736189]

I think you should stop shitposting on 4chan and go do something productive

[Virgin 20/m/UK !VIRGIN/FJM No.3736191]

>>3736189
>go do something productive

I'm not American though.

[Virgin 20/m/UK !VIRGIN/FJM No.3736197]

I'm thinking about raping Female Character.

[Anonymous No.3736213]

Luigi Pirandello already did it.

[Virgin 20/m/UK !VIRGIN/FJM No.3736232]

Title: Everybody should be allowed to be a literary genius.

Author: Jack I. C_____

Quote: "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed."

Body:
"
"Chapter 1: Everybody is equal."

" Premise 1: All persons are equal.
Premise 2: Shakespeare is a person
Conclusion: All persons are equal to Shakespeare.

Premise 1: All persons are equal to Shakespeare.
Premise 2: Shakespeare is a literary genius.
Conclusion: All persons are literary geniuses.

Now that I have proved beyond all doubt that every person is a literary genius, I think it is high time that somebody write a book of such low understanding and aesthetic taste that anybody could reproduce its merits at a whim, and that then this book be praised beyond all extant authors, thus making literary genius within the grasp of all. I believe this to be in the everybody's best interest, as everybody would certainly be very satisfied to know that they are in fact literary geniuses.

With that said, I intend to write this book. This shall be this book, i.e. the one currently being written. As you have no doubt noticed I have put in very minimal effort into planning, writing and revising this book. In fact I have put in no effort whatsoever.

There is a post currently on 4chan stating that Luigi Pirandello already did it. I believe that Luigi Pirandello doesn't exist, and that the person responsible for that post is a faggot.

"

What do you think?

[Anonymous No.3736275]

>haven't been to /lit/ in a year
>come back
>this thread
Stay summer faggots