[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 455 KB, 1500x1500, floral wallpaper.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3728011 No.3728011 [Reply] [Original]

A boy stands in the only corner of the room
White walls and pillars
Floral patterns
He exchanges a look with the wall
It broadcasts back a familiar voice
A florid and sordid screaming

Highways stretched across the mountains
Holding the pressure of the land
like rubber bands around a boys fingers
Pressing into his skin
Too long the forests left abandoned
Too long walls left untorn

>> No.3728052
File: 135 KB, 670x701, suchislife.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3728052

>>3728011
op why do you have to bring the feels?

>> No.3728080

>>3728052
Did I really bring feels?

Don't toy with my emotions like this.

>> No.3728104

>>3728052
no response. A flicker of hope that perhaps my words made someone else feel. kinda exciting.

>> No.3728107

it starts out ok
lose or redo the last four lines. the last two especially keeping tone in mind
also might not want to make the subject so explicit as "the boy"
the last line of the first stanza could be reworked; "screaming" is too obvious

>> No.3728109

I like it, OP. Especially those last two lines.

I liked it so much I mistyped three captchas before finally getting it right just so I could give you this praise.

>> No.3728133

>>3728107
"A florid, sordid silence" maybe.
kinda the opposite but almost the same
it was a screaming sort of silence

>> No.3728134

>>3728109
fuck off op

>> No.3728138

>>3728134
surprisingly wasn't me.

>> No.3728150

>>3728133
i like that better. the 'florid sordid' part is the obv. keeper in the line
'a florid sordid syncope' idk
the rest isn't that language-driven so i wouldn't overdo it

>> No.3728158

>>3728150
Syncope is way out of my vocabulary.
I try to keep things somewhat simple.

>> No.3728174
File: 247 KB, 507x423, 1367264323369.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3728174

You know that feel when can't tell if being mocked or just paranoid because depression/anxiety/psychosis.
making a big fuss over a two stanzas

>> No.3728175

>>3728158
it doesn't really make sense or keep with the vocab level like you said either
go with silences over screaming though:
"The florid, sordid silences"

>> No.3728207

>>3728107
what exactly is wrong with the last four lines

>> No.3728256

"A boy stands in the only corner of the room
White walls and pillars
Floral patterns"

White walls and pillars. But then suddenly "Floral patterns?" Why the degree of separation (as indicated by line break) between the earlier description of the wall (as white) and then a sudden twist?

"He exchanges a look with the wall
It broadcasts back a familiar voice
A florid and sordid screaming"

Florid and sordid are your strongest describing terms and yet what do they really accomplish? The fact that the wall at all gave back some kind of life is creepy as is, and a good image, however, you abandon that intriguing idea for a description of "florid" and "sordid" that a) is redundant, we know it's a flower patterned wall, and b) just doesn't add anything aside from another describing term to a wall that now effectively serves no purpose but to be described (and later in the poem compared to.)

"Highways stretched across the mountains
Holding the pressure of the land "

This is ok. Not bad.

"like rubber bands around a boys fingers
Pressing into his skin "

I'm assuming you just forgot to capitalize the l in like. Otherwise, why is it lower-case? The comparisons here are ok. They make sense.

"Too long the forests left abandoned
Too long walls left untorn"

Your conclusion is rather open-ended. It wants to offer climax in terms of a moral (or at least virtuous) quality, however, given the general ambiguity of your poem, what that statement is, the poem isn't properly conveying. Answers can be guessed at, and that is fine, however, this poem suggests that there is a single answer given the judgmental and instructive tone of the last two lines.

Just a reading. Keep writing!

>> No.3728260

it reads like you had the urge to write a poem and wrote this. it doesn't much read like you had an idea and then wrote a poem.

>> No.3728266

>>3728256

yo is ur name justin haynes answer w/ the alacrity b/c if so im bout 2 get hype

>> No.3728271

>>3728266
Who?

>> No.3728280

>>3728271
http://www.prisoninmates.com/JustinHaynes15857-040