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/lit/ - Literature

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3435311 No.3435311 [Reply] [Original]

Please rate my poem /lit/ it's the final poem in my suicide letter.

As which i lay slumbering in my
midnight ponderings i come to think
of a house I ones called home.
It was a wretched home, more of a
castle than a house.
It was filled with faceless heads
and bodies and everyone seemed
condemned to an everlasting shouting
of trivial opinions.

But as it was wretched it was beautiful
in a decaying fashion. Somehow we
all found love in our misfortunes and
shared feels and spagetti in our seperate
halls secluded by party.
There was a hall dedicated to the arts of
film, one to the art of music and the hall
of which I chose to stay was the hall of
literature. More halls were mentioned that
I never dared to venture.

Some said it had gone sour, some said it
was never good and there was this Chinese
man trying to sell his stolen shirts from
american apparell. Finally he threw the
towel in and left us. Then we grew to miss
him, dining on our whale. He wrote novels
too, we was a damn fine writer.

Why did i leave this sulken place? Why did
I choose to return? I guess i will never know
nothing but that i will be there forever.
And were all beating against the current
aming ceaslessly against to past. And then
a screaming hears across the sky, it was a
pleasure to learn.

>> No.3435320

>>3435311
The final stanza could be more razor-sharp to get out the bleeding emotions that is neeed to become diehard poetry. I'm not sure if you wold make the cut and so you could do this for real.

>> No.3435326

It will fit the purpose.

>> No.3435332

>>3435320
>>3435326

Thank you! So more adjectives and such?

>> No.3435355

>>3435311

"of a house I ONES called home."

are you fucking retarded?

>> No.3435358

>>3435355
Hmm, i guess i should double check for errors before I post. Thanks for pointing that one out friend

>> No.3435360

>>3435311
>tfw no-one bothers to work hard at writing poetry with a strict formal structure anymore.

>> No.3435383

Op please don't kill yourself. Perfect that poem until you die of old age. Make it your life's purpose, it is a worthy goal.

>> No.3435390

the next night we ate whale

>> No.3435396

>>3435383
I agree with this. Don't kill yourself. You have more to write.

>> No.3435399

>>3435396
>>3435383
I still have to kill myself, I aint dead yet. Don't know i i have the guts to do it. It's just my suicide letter

>> No.3435402

>I kind of want to be a writer but meh I'll kill myself instead

this is what I get from the poem OP.
If the poem is about misery make it about misery. Describe misery.

>> No.3435425

>>3435399
Wuh? Why do you have to kill yourself?