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/lit/ - Literature

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3362877 No.3362877 [Reply] [Original]

>Looking for an appraisal of my style. Not going to bludgeon you with wall-o-text, just the following. Again, looking for comments on style, not really content. Piece was written after GF left for work. Shark unrelated.

The presence and absence of most people are largely inconsequential to me, I have observed. Company and solitude differ very little in their effect on my spirit. But when she leaves it's as if she's taken all the light and sound and motion with her. The air hangs tomb-like in its stillness, and I need a moment to reacquaint myself with the silence outside me.

>> No.3362901

And now it occurs to me that appraising style apart from content is akin to appraising matter apart from form. Please ignore my paradoxical bullshit and just have at it.

>> No.3362905

>>3362877
so mechanical

>> No.3362910

This is shit.

>> No.3362914

>>3362905
Thanks?
It's as honest as I can write, so if it seems inorganic then I suppose I am, at heart, a fucking robot. Thanks, Fluoxetine!

>> No.3362917

Not horrible.
Your metaphors are boring and clumsy.

>> No.3362921

Actually, I like it: I think it's like poetry.

>> No.3362922

>>3362917
I think I really only used the one, which was "tomb-like". And I agree, there are better ways to convey deathly stillness. Get specific on the clumsiness for me.

>> No.3362924

>to me, I have observed.
redundant
also this first line makes your narrator sound autistic
>Company and solitude differ very little in their effect on my spirit.
>differ very little
>in their effect on my
wooah you are being way too wordy and way too bland here

>But when she leaves it's as if she's taken all the light and sound and motion with her.
cliche, but the better than the other two lines

>The air hangs tomb-like in its stillness, and I need a moment to reacquaint myself with the silence outside me.
>tomb-like
no don't
>I need a moment to reacquaint myself with the silence outside me.
I don't understand what this means

>> No.3362939

>>3362924
I can swallow most of that, but how do you not get the last line?

You've never been in a room with someone else and had to re-adjust to the quiet after they left? And the "outside me" implies that it's still noisy in my head, which it is. Always.

>> No.3362986
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3362986

>>3362939
>implies that it's still noisy in my head, which it is. Always.
>Always

>> No.3363027

>>3362986
ALWAYS.

>> No.3363050

>>3363027
I WANT TO BEEEE WITH YOU
AND MAKE BELIEEVVVEE WITH YOU

>>3362877
OP, gotta drop the passive tone.
>, I have observed
duh
>differ very little
that shit BE THE SAME
>it's as if she's
naw man dat bitch straight up took all your light n' sound.
>hangs tomb-like
t'all might be more familiar wiff hanging tombs den me, but drop that -like and grow a big ol' pair of swingin' tombs.

>silence outside of me
doesn't imply
>>3362939
clearly enough,imo. replace me with "my mind" perhaps?

You just need to be more ruthless in your editing process. If you cut a word and the sentence still makes sense, cut that word out. Always

IN HARMONY HARMONY OOOO LOVE

>> No.3363054

>>3362877

I think what you're saying is decent enough, but the style makes you come across as ostentatious.

I imagine that the person saying...
>The presence and absence of most people are largely inconsequential to me, I have observed.
... wears a monocle, a tuxedo and drinks martinis exclusively.

Compare it with
>Whether or not someone is around usually doesn't matter to me.
I'm not saying that is better, but it says basically the same thing (I think?) and is less 1920s.

>> No.3363064

OP, you seem to have the same problem I get sometimes, you're just too wordy in spots. And being wordy can sometimes be a good thing, but try to learn how to balance between sounding smart/meticulous, and sounding "spontaneous" or whatever the fuck you'd call it. If something's meant to drive into the reader any sense of emotion, how do you expect them to feel it when it's shrouded in, yes, mechanical language?

>> No.3363065

>>3363054
It's usually a glass of brandy, and I'm almost always seen sitting at a grand piano playing bluesy renditions of nocturne, or looking at scrimshaw.

But yeah, I get what you're saying.

>> No.3363078

>>3363064
Not OP here.

B-But what if convey wants mechanical and cold feels?

>> No.3363191

There are certain concepts that, after having lived a certain amount of time, we consider ourselves experts in. Things that are so inherent to our world that the idea of misunderstanding them is preposterous. On, off. Up, down. Here, there. When someone is no longer in a room with us, we aren't startled. We aren't confused. The idea of traveling through space from one location to another comes naturally to us. Movement.. It's inseparable from the way we see our world.

Sometimes, though, there are moments when we are suddenly, and unexpectedly, confronted with new information - as if someone has revealed to us a new direction in space. Something, in retrospect, so obvious, so clear, that we can't comprehend how we presumed to understand the world and ourselves without seeing this. Without knowing. Something that turns us so thoroughly around that we are lost again. In a new place, with new smells - somewhere wholly unfamiliar.

Absence is something we're confronted with everyday. You walk down the street, everyone you pass is trapped in a peculiar state of coming and going. When you're young, playing peekaboo with your aunt, and she hides behind her hand - you can't comprehend what happens. In that moment, you're lost and confused, only to have her reappear a moment later. Smiling just like always. And that impresses you, it thrills you. That, of course, doesn't last long. As you become acclimated, you stop paying attention to them. You stop marking them with any particular value. You're not stricken with grief to find the Cheerios you thought were in the pantry have mysteriously disappeared. It's an expected outcome. You knew, opening that box, somewhere down the line, you were going to open it, and it was going to be empty.

You meet someone, and you know they might not always be there. Even from a metaphysical point of view, you know in few years they won't be the same person.

>> No.3363196

>>3362877
>The presence and absence of most people are largely inconsequential to me, I have observed.
The first sentence is terrible. From the redundant "presense and absense" to inconsequential, jarring "I have observed", it's automatic rejection-without-reading material.

>> No.3363226

>>3363191

The person you're talking to now won't be there, and that's okay, because it's part of our world. It's how things work. Departure.

But they can always surprise you. Always. It's the little things, the things no amount of guessing and experience can prepare you for. The first time you wake up and she's gone, you're in for it. You've dealt with the same kind of thing so many times before, you can't imagine it being any different. But it is. It doesn't hit you at first, no. You wake up, you go to get your cheerios which, thank god, are still there. You sit down, you pour them into the bowl, drip some milk in there. You start eating, get a few mouthfuls in, and THEN it hits you. The silence. You're crunchin and munchin away at your cheerios, and you know somethings wrong. Somethings missing. It's like someone changed color of the light bulb in all your lamps. Like the buzzing that normally comes from one of your kitchen appliances stopped for no apparent reason, and you can't imagine yourself getting used to life without it.

It's not like she's gone, right? She just went to work, you know that. She'll be back in a few hours, it's not a big deal. But when she left... she took something with her. All the light, all the sound, all the motion that you thought were part of your world are gone. Pip. No more. She took them with her. You sit there for god knows how long, holding your spoon sideways, staring at nothing in particular. Like someone waiting for an earthquake that doesn't come. It's terrifying, the first time it happens. You can't imagine what you're going to do with yourself.

But, it's okay. Because she comes back.

Absence? What the fuck is that shit? No shit I never heard of, no sir.

The sound of a key turning is your new fetish. You start favoriting sound effect videos on youtube to listen to after a long day. You start having wet dreams about them. You leave your girlfriend for a life sized lock puppet.

>> No.3363230

>>3363226

You move to Japan and marry your new love. Her name is Kiwanis. Your pet name for her is Kiwi. You live happily ever after.