My story. Your thoughts.

[Anonymous No.3336520]

>Could you help me out? I enjoy writing stories, and I was
>hoping I could put one here (a part of it anyways, and you
>could tell me what you think, keep in mind I've been
>working on this one for about 2 hours):

“I now fully regret my decision I made that day, but it is my responsibility, I chose this, I will own it, and I will use it to kill you!” Dave said.
The man simply replied, “You can try.” Then he was gone, and Dave was left alone...again.

The Beginning
I
In the beginning Dave was a simple man, a recent college dropout, business major, he didn't have anything going for him, and when his grades dropped and the scholarships stopped coming he had nothing else to do but leave. He went home for a while but that wasn't any better, dead beat parents and no friends wasn't much incentive to stay. He left for the West, like every other kid who thinks there is something there for him, using what was left of his savings he was able to get to California, and there he found a job in a small bookstore, not rich but well off enough for himself, he was never good at making friends. And he always preferred the company of books to other people, and working in a book store was good enough for him to be happy.
His days were long, working from open to close four days a week, the store was only open six in a week, it worked for him, it was rather easy, working the register, sweeping the floor, basically whatever needed to be done, except for stocking the shelves, he hated to have to stock the shelves, he was too small to lift heavy boxes full of books, He was tall around six-two, but he was still really small, but he only weighed 140 pounds. The boxes were heavy, and he struggled with them, bringing them from the back to the front and then having to shelve them. But he needed the job, and he knew that it wouldn't be long until he was able to carry the boxes with little to no trouble.
>any help is very much so appreciated!
>Just wanting some pointers, and your opinions?

[Anonymous No.3336528]

>>3336520
and I will give more if you want more

[Anonymous No.3336540]

>>3336528
oh, please, do continue.

[Anonymous No.3336547]

>>3336540
>ok:

When he wasn't working or resting from work he was walking around Ferndale, the town he moved to in California, it wasn't huge, but it was bigger than small, it wasn't exactly what he wanted, he figured the bigger the city, the more people there are, the less he will have to deal with people, if it's bigger it's less personal he figured, but Ferndale wasn't too bad, for the most part he was able to keep to himself without having to deal with too many people, especially at the book store, it really didn't have but maybe a hundred or hundred fifty people come in per day, over about 14 hours, it was just to Dave's liking.
It wasn't that Dave didn't like people, he just never really was able to get along with them, usually he ended up finding something he didn't like about everybody he tried to be friends with, it wouldn't take long, he would maybe talk to them for ten or twenty minutes and he was find something, like they chewed gum too loudly, or they spit when they talked, or they wore too much cologne or perfume, once he decided he didn't like someone because they had dimples. He couldn't really explain why he always found these things to dislike, he just did, sometimes he hated himself for it, thinking that he wished he had more friends, and other times he was just happy to be able to be by himself.


II

All this changed one day while Dave was walking around, he had a bag of groceries, and was reading a book, not able to watch where he was going, whilst walking towards the stairs of his apartment building, he ran into a man, and dropped all of his groceries, Dave immediately started to apologize, but the man just waved him off and picked up one of the bags Dave had been carrying, and said, “Let me help you with this.”, and started walking towards the stairs.
“Uh, thanks, sir, 219” Dave said adding his apartment number at the end so that the man would know where to lead them to.

[Anonymous No.3336565]

Dave is being hilariously explicit in the first sentence. I have very little interest in reading about a meek, bookish young guy who works in a bookstore. The prose is uninteresting, and seems to be little more than a plain statement of the guy's situation.

[Anonymous No.3336579]

>>3336565
any pointers on how I could fix this? anything to make it a little more captivating?

[Anonymous No.3336595]

I think you should try something else. Like a different profession. 'Cuase tis is just boring.

[Anonymous No.3336605]

>>3336579
Read more, and write more. You can really only get better.