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/lit/ - Literature

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3080949 No.3080949 [Reply] [Original]

any commentary?

>> No.3080961

>rambunctious

I don't think you're trying to make me laugh here??

>> No.3080970

>>3080961
>rambunctious
no o.o

>> No.3080991

>>3080970
I think what he is saying is that you are caught up trying to sound literary for no reason. There are many other words to use other than that one. Plus it adds nothing to the over all flow of the sentence

>> No.3081008

Never, ever start a story with a description of someone's eyes. Especially not using a cliche like 'pale blue.' That's a sure indicator to any publisher or editor that your work is amateur, and they should put it down and walk away.

Remember, writing is about what NOT to do more than it is about what TO do.

>> No.3081015

Also, you always need to proofread and take out instances where you use the same words over and over. 'Covered' and 'pale' are the ones I noticed the most. Replace them with synonyms, or change the sentence so they don't have to be there at all.

You've got potential, though. I can see an attempt to showcase the emotion in the situation you've written, a caring about the details of life. Very important as a writer. Keep writing, and keep reading books on what to do and not to do, and I think you've got worthwhile work ahead of you.

>> No.3081016

she's staring at the floor but the narrator notices her eyes?

then you use the word 'eyes' another two times

then you mention her make up is coming off twice

didn't read any further

>> No.3081035

mmm i dunno didn't really do it for me. for me fiction should be slightly more "sensational" and it seems like you stuck a little close to the mundane.

>> No.3081176

lol this is a 16 year old's essay..

>> No.3081183

I stopped reading at "held up in a bun seemingly by magic"

>> No.3081185

>>3081183
changed to "It was frizzy, held up in a makeshift bun"

>> No.3081215

bump

>> No.3081464

Shit, you should give up writing.

>> No.3081575

protip : never start a story by describing a repulsive character. Nobody likes to read that. And it is not necessary to describe EVERYTHING about her.

>> No.3083337
File: 109 KB, 783x377, hellyeah.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3083337

>>3081575
Don't listen to that.
>>3081464
Don't listen to that either.

It's shit, and I stopped reading midway, but keep working on it. Weigh every word carefully, and consider the tone and how it will be perceived.

>> No.3083350

That was boring and extremely losery.