ITT: The first line of one of your own shirt stories/ novels/ anything fictional you've written. "The world is ending again."

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Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:31:33 2012 No.2981673 [Reply] [Original]

ITT: The first line of one of your own shirt stories/ novels/ anything fictional you've written.

"The world is ending again."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:35:34 2012 No.2981681 >>2981673 edgy as fuck

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:36:34 2012 No.2981683 >>2981681 Fucky as edge

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:36:36 2012 No.2981684 'Welcome to the cleanest borough of London' read the side of the bus as it flattened another discarded coke can on the road. >it needs some work

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:38:36 2012 No.2981690 The coffee was always good.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:41:35 2012 No.2981699 With at least eight meters between himself and the woman walking behind him, Malcolm decided it was safe to fart.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:43:35 2012 No.2981704 >Our children's children are full of shit.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:44:35 2012 No.2981707 "I scavenged my first dream when I was 13."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:45:35 2012 No.2981712 In late April, after returning home from visiting his wife's grave and eating a slice of lemon meringue pie, Harvey Eckley sat down in his worn recliner and smeared his brains and lifeblood across his ceiling with his shotgun.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:47:36 2012 No.2981719 Corben James was dying, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:48:35 2012 No.2981722

>>2981704
More edginess, just what we need here.

>>2981673
>shirt stories

"I rolled and rolled, a the water crashed down all around me, as I looked down I saw that I had tinged the water red and was immediately aware it was flowing quickly."
"Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have washed my red shirt with my white undies"

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:48:35 2012 No.2981725 The doctor put down his suitcase and waxed his whiskers back.

>>	Goblin Queen Sat Sep 15 16:49:35 2012 No.2981726 "My bangs tickled my nose as a warm breeze crossed my path."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:49:35 2012 No.2981728 File: 191 KB, 281x389, James-Corden.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2981719 >Corben James was dying

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 16:52:38 2012 No.2981736 >>2981719 God that sounds dumb and cliche. Also, don't start your story with names, unless its >Call me Ishmael

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:01:15 2012 No.2981752 >>2981736 >Also, don't start your story with names, unless its Said some kid on 4chan earlier. Now here's Trish with the weather.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:04:15 2012 No.2981757 “And IF I say I want inside you, it’s because there’s nothing on the surface, but the popsicles around you coming out from all your features for me to take.” -Excerpt from a love letter from Lenny Krevitz to a girl.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:08:18 2012 No.2981769

"The starless night spread over the village like a blanket carelessly thrown there by some higher being"

(I have never gotten past like half a page because it was just trying shit out and I'm too stupid to even finish a short story)
(this is a translation, english is not my native language)

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:09:18 2012 No.2981772 "The shock played across his face like marinates on a stage; swaying to and fro in an endless waltz between guilt, self-loathing, and excitement."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:10:18 2012 No.2981773 >>2981699 >>2981707 lawl

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:10:18 2012 No.2981774 When I decided to murder my wife, I knew that I had to be careful.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:10:18 2012 No.2981778 As I withdrew my hot,dripping penis from the cold body of the dead squid,the priest chuckled softly,and said...

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:13:18 2012 No.2981784 >>2981774 OH COOL MURDER >>2981719 OH COOL DYING >>2981712 OH COOL SUICIDE you guys

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:14:18 2012 No.2981788 >>2981784 OH COOL EDGY you wanker.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:16:19 2012 No.2981796 "We profit from the best in mankind, kindness and trust".

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:16:19 2012 No.2981797 >>2981788 OH COOL, 'OH COOL' commenting on edginess is now equivocal with edginess, why was I not informed?

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:16:19 2012 No.2981799 >>2981778 unless you top that in edginess later this seems like a bad way to start a book, everything after is going to be a disappointment

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:21:18 2012 No.2981812 "OMG no way!" She tweeted.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:21:18 2012 No.2981813 Zeln is an interesting land and it has been my great fortune to watch it develop over this past millennium- if "fortune" somehow implied the phrase "mindnumbing boredom". It's a work in progress.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:23:18 2012 No.2981819 >>2981812 a modern day remake of "Murder, She Wrote" where a popular blogger aids the cops in solving murders called "Murder, She Tweeted" should be made

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:30:21 2012 No.2981833 "They had gotten off the train too soon, and had to walk the rest of the way into the town. " i am writing a Steinbeck homage

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:35:21 2012 No.2981842 "Manny Pacquiao looked sadly at the sun going down" it is a "parody" of a "Tao Lin" short.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:39:24 2012 No.2981856 >>2981797 (OH COOL) ad infinitum! I'm the edgiest person of edginess.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:44:24 2012 No.2981866 He walked out from the sanctuary of the door. The crisp enevelope held tightly to his chest...

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:47:24 2012 No.2981874 >>2981866 ugh no dots plus wtf a door or a sanctuary? safety would work better imo.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 17:54:24 2012 No.2981891 >>2981673 "That's a nice shirt," she said.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:08:28 2012 No.2981933 The mirror reflected an image that wasn't mine, and it was hot. >It's smut

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:11:29 2012 No.2981941

Not a native speaker, so it's just a shitty translation (grammatical mistakes incoming):
>"Gardener was about to finish tending the last row of roses. Black Baccara, with petals like crystallized bloody tears, he considered them to be a real treasure and kept at the rear end of his almost-too-modest rosarium, far away from occasional glance of a by passer."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:17:29 2012 No.2981956 In a society where fear is proportional to reverence, everyone who knew him was afraid.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:17:29 2012 No.2981959 >>2981874 Please never give criticism again. No "dots"? They're called ellipses. There is no reason to purposely exclude them given the limited context of what he wrote. Though I agree that "sanctuary" is a little purple in that context.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:20:29 2012 No.2981969
File: 837 KB, 1625x1158, Someone Was Here.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

The night of the John Abbott open house had arrived and Aubrey was standing in the middle of the crowded school library by one of many booths, as a representative of his program.

>on a scale from 1 to 10, how cliché?

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:28:32 2012 No.2981988 >>2981969 There doesn't need to be a comma after booths. Honestly, it's hard to rate an excerpt without knowing its purpose.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:30:33 2012 No.2981998 File: 391 KB, 550x560, 1331436109539.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >BANG, the universe has started. did you see, life form? it wasn't that hard

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:38:32 2012 No.2982022 It all started when I found out that my housemate had died in her sleep

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 18:59:38 2012 No.2982073 >>2982022 That actually happened to me. She came home pissed up, banged her head on the wall above the bed, dies of a haematoma or whatnot in her sleep. That wasn't a fun weekend, I can assure you.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:01:38 2012 No.2982076 File: 44 KB, 627x325, twin-peaks_AVQA_jpg_627x325_crop_upscale_q85.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2981690 I'd read this.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:02:38 2012 No.2982077 >>2982022 i might read this. I like the tone. moar?

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:03:39 2012 No.2982080 >>2981774 Should be >I decided to be incredibly blasé about my wife's murder.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:06:38 2012 No.2982083 We were somewhere around Bristol, on the edge of the motorway, when my trousers exploded.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:07:38 2012 No.2982086 >>29819 i disagree. I think the dots are silly in the context. To me that is a reason. So only part of my opinion is valid, the part that you agree with? stfu.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:11:13 2012 No.2982096 Downstairs, Meatball Mulligan's lease-breaking party was moving into its 40th hour.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:16:15 2012 No.2982109 "The events in my life, of this day which has happened, will be put on this page in the time they occurred."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:24:15 2012 No.2982122 >>2982022 >It all started when ZzzzzZZZZzzz At least you didn't use "Once upon a time"

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:28:18 2012 No.2982128 Stretch the fabric, remove the creases: it all seemed so simple, yet I had not foreseen the reaction of the hot iron with the delicate material. I should have read the care lable, but then life has no care lable.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:33:18 2012 No.2982140 >>2982128 sounds interesting

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:36:18 2012 No.2982147 There are many places that someone with my particular affliction can go, but this certainly wasn't one of them.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:37:19 2012 No.2982151 "I love to talk about my novel, but I hate the act of writing it."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:38:19 2012 No.2982152 It's hard to believe I once thought myself a clever man.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:38:19 2012 No.2982154 >>2982151 Story of my life.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:40:22 2012 No.2982160 The night was moist.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:42:22 2012 No.2982166 But despite my best efforts, she was not.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:43:22 2012 No.2982170

>>2982140
If it wasn't a joke opening, it'd be about a half-asian working in the family dry cleaning business rediscovering or coming to terms with the different cultural values at some key point in their life. The kind of book that would have a made for TV film directed by Wayne Wang.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 19:57:28 2012 No.2982195 The Machine goes ever on

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:02:28 2012 No.2982205 First day of classes and the US Marine knew he would hate this school when he realized his professors included a gay man, a Jew, and a black woman.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:03:28 2012 No.2982207 >>2982205 First line and I can already tell that /pol/ would adore this.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:07:28 2012 No.2982212 All the living sons of father's daughters made them homeward with a shrug.

>>	CLEMENCAU Sat Sep 15 20:10:29 2012 No.2982219 I am the slut of an animal.

>>	zaiku !!oaX5CBSo7JK Sat Sep 15 20:18:50 2012 No.2982234 Caught like a marionette in the strobes, the young front-man leaps from the stage into the seething crowd.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:18:50 2012 No.2982235 File: 168 KB, 500x332, fearandloathing1[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982083 Well now. At least you changed enough to not be sued for plagiarism. Lets all join in on the fun! We were somewhere around X, on the edge of Y, when Z.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:21:50 2012 No.2982239 A bell is ringing, in the darkness under the ground.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:21:50 2012 No.2982240 >>2982235 >>2982083 >We were somewhere around Thompson country, on the edge of plagiarism, when the thought of being sued and accused a hack occurred to me.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:25:49 2012 No.2982247 A bird lands on top of a white mountain, fifty hours to the coming of a storm.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:33:53 2012 No.2982274 "I FUCKING GOT SHIT ALL OVER MY FUCKING DICK, HOLY FUCKING SHIT," whispered William into my stodgy little earhole. It's a werg in progress. :) LOL ;)

>>	S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 20:35:53 2012 No.2982281 Shoulders hunched, eyes narrowed in a scolding gaze, Odath lurched forward across the rocky plateau, dragging behind a sword that scraped the earth menacingly.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:38:53 2012 No.2982286 File: 3 KB, 126x108, man taken hostage by good prose.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982281

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:38:53 2012 No.2982287 >>2982281 Egad! Jim Theis is returned to us!

>>	S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 20:40:54 2012 No.2982290 >>2982287 I never said it was any good! Though if I could capture half his fame i'd monetize the hell out of it.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:40:54 2012 No.2982291 "This is Phil talking." Name the source, win a prize.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:41:54 2012 No.2982294 >>2982281 > Odath dragged his sword over the rocks.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:42:53 2012 No.2982296 >>2982291 >"This is Phil talking." I hate 80s synth pop.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:43:53 2012 No.2982297

Goku's gaze sharpened, his muscles pulsed with purpose: this bus was going to Namek. The sides of the vehicle gave way under Goku's impossible jouissance as his seizing, turgid body fucked its way to the center console. The driver protested this development by way of acute hematamesis, but Goku was having none of it. "No," he said, "I'm Goku".

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:45:53 2012 No.2982301 >>2982296 Not a good enough answer, but thanks for trying.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:47:56 2012 No.2982304 >>2982301 >good enough It's the only appropriate answer.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:47:56 2012 No.2982305 >>2982291 >"This is Phil talking." Love Action. What's my prize. I'm hoping that my prize is not love action

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:47:56 2012 No.2982307 File: 46 KB, 451x392, 20044885.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982297

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:51:14 2012 No.2982315 Let's separate the men from the boys. Post the LAST line of something you've written. Doesn't count if it's unfinished.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:52:14 2012 No.2982318 You know you're starting to get paranoid when the smoke of your cigar doesn't come out in bubbles.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:53:14 2012 No.2982321 >>2982315 Wiping the shit from his dick and rubbing it upon his upper lip give him the appearance of a shit mustachioed Robert Goulet, William shouted "I LOVE THE TASTE OF SHIT." The End

>>	S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 20:54:14 2012 No.2982323 It crashed down, sending wretches and rulers to the abyss.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:54:14 2012 No.2982324 >>2982297 I want to read the rest of this

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:54:14 2012 No.2982325 File: 59 KB, 850x719, winternet.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982305 You win One Internet

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:56:14 2012 No.2982327 >>2981874 The dots show that the text continues. Nothing more

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:56:14 2012 No.2982328 "This is what Richard thought it would be like: rebirth."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:57:15 2012 No.2982330 >>2982315 First line: >>2982239 Last line: Life flapped on, drunk with angry hunger, and as stubborn as the echoes of a bell, underground.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 20:59:15 2012 No.2982336 >>2982315 "The reading ended, and we rose to sing another hymn, one we didn't know." Context: The two main characters are at a funeral for a third character

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:03:15 2012 No.2982344 >>2982281 >scraped the earth menacingly. How is that possible to scrape something menacingly?

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:03:16 2012 No.2982343

>>2982315

I find good last lines very rarely make any sense out of context, or seem completely unremarkable, because when they're good, they eponymize everything the text has been about, in a way that's so in-grained it doesn't make sense if you haven't read the text.

Consider Lord of the Rings:

> "Well, I'm home," he said.

Consider the last line of the prologue to Underworld:

> "It is all falling indelibly into the past."

Consider the last line of Dhalgren:

> "I am going forth to--"

Or Gormenghast:

> Titus rode out of his world.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:04:15 2012 No.2982347 It was a nice spot. She could easily see the neon sphere hovering over her. It still needs work. I don't know if I should take "easily" and "her" out or not.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:07:15 2012 No.2982354 >>2982347 > It was a nice spot: she had a good view of the neon sphere, hovering overhead. Or change "overhead" to "above," if more applicable. Like if it's not actually over her head, but is three hundred feet in the air or something.

>>	S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 21:07:16 2012 No.2982353 >>2982347 Adverbs are usually bad because they lack force. I think "She could see the red neon orb hovering overhead." (or blue neon, whatever.) >>2982344 should be 'menacing noise' or something, you're right there.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:09:15 2012 No.2982359 File: 174 KB, 283x424, scraped knee.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982344

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:09:15 2012 No.2982362 >>2982347 >I don't know if I should take "easily" and "her" out or not. Definitely. "Nice spot" already implies that she had a good view

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:16:35 2012 No.2982376 >>2982362 >>2982359 >>2982353 Thank you. I'll stay away from adverbs. Also it's pink.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:16:35 2012 No.2982378 >>2982336 I love that line. There's something awfully Fitzgeraldesque about it.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:18:37 2012 No.2982384
File: 181 KB, 345x502, sammax.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

They were all dead. The final gunshot was an exclamation mark to everything that had led to this point. I released my finger from the trigger. And then it was over. To make any kind of sense of it, I need to go back three years. Back to the night the pain started.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:20:37 2012 No.2982393

>>2982376

You don't have to avoid adverbs like they're the plague, but use them sparingly, where needed.

Like if you have "ran quickly," obviously that should be "sprinted."

But sometimes there are actions you need to describe a specific way, for which we just don't have a single word. In which case "He sprinted drunkenly," is a preferred alternative to "He sprinted as fast as he could, but it looked weird because he was also drunk."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:22:37 2012 No.2982396 >>2982384 For a second I thought this was in response to the "last line" post, and I was about to say it's not bad.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:22:37 2012 No.2982398 File: 20 KB, 400x400, oh_stop_it_you_wrapped_canvas-r3370958182ed42b788dcef6fe1cb1542_29c92_400.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982378

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:24:37 2012 No.2982400 File: 25 KB, 230x335, 1345328313765.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982315 I had a dream of my wife. She was dead, but it was all right.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:25:37 2012 No.2982405 "The smell of sea air filled Azreal's lungs are he walked out onto the drydock."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:27:37 2012 No.2982412 >>2982405 Maybe drop "smell of".

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:30:37 2012 No.2982422 >>2982412 I guess so, the "smell of" bit does seem a bit unecessary with hindsight.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:30:37 2012 No.2982424 >>2982405 >smell >filled lungs Wat. I used to think we smell things with our noses.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:31:37 2012 No.2982427

I couldn't hear him, his heavy breathing, over the clapping of my labia as he throttled his frothy dick back and forth in between my wholesome cunt--he wasn't going in and out but side to side over my mommy-hole, slapping my fleshy divide and causing my dick dock to clap around excitedly.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:31:38 2012 No.2982429 File: 6 KB, 146x138, sadafa.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] ''DOOM all caps man, DOOM all caps!," George told his brother. My book is terrible.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:32:38 2012 No.2982431 As I approached my stop the usual nervousness set in.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:34:38 2012 No.2982440 John had his midlife crisis at fifteen, fifteen years ago.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:37:38 2012 No.2982450 >>2982431 >>2982440 I like both of those.

S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 21:39:38 2012 No.2982456

>>2982424

The overall intent of the sentence is good, we all know you can't smell with your lungs.

The words are meant to paint a creature in your mind, not be taken literally.

That phrase is used in many books and stories, though technically I guess it's off. How about "he ran like a soaring eagle, throwing off the leg braces that had kept him from walking."

"Tomlin breathed in the sweet scent of easter ham."

"With dirt clods in his shoulder blades, Henry shut his eyes and filled his lungs with the scent of his old leather glove"

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:42:38 2012 No.2982467

>>2982422

Just think of it like frames of perception. You want as few walls between the reader and what's happening as possible. Always try to reduce to the most effective language possible.

So
> John felt the vibrations vibrating the bones of his head, every time the guns in the courtyard went off.

Reduces to

> The vibrations rattled John's head, every time the guns in the courtyard went off.

Reduces to

> There was gunfire going off in the courtyard. John could hear it in his teeth.

Which is not particularly good, because I wrote it in about twelve seconds, but you get what I mean. At any rate, it's better than the first one.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:45:38 2012 No.2982470 >>2982467 I see, so should I try to do this everywhere? or is there any circumstance in which more purpley prose is a good thing?

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:47:38 2012 No.2982472 >>2982470 Well you should always try to write as succinctly as possible, but that doesn't mean you can't write nice florid prose. All it means is that every word of that florid prose should be dense with visual imagery.

>>	Standard Toaster !TOASTXbkRg Sat Sep 15 21:48:39 2012 No.2982477 "Thomas was an ordinary man in every sense of the word."

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:50:40 2012 No.2982479 File: 47 KB, 640x480, 1347737249583.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2982472 Thank you, you've given me a lot to think about.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:50:40 2012 No.2982480

>>2982470

Like there's nothing wrong with slowing down to describe the way the sun falls on a flower. But what's better -- ten pages of the sun falling on a flower, or one really good paragraph that distills ten pages' worth of visual concepts down to three sentences, every word of which is so carefully selected that the paragraph is practically bursting at the seams?

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:51:40 2012 No.2982482 Dicks.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:53:39 2012 No.2982484 >>2981673 The boy's shoes dug into the earth as he jumped over the fence, running through the field with terrific haste.

Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:54:39 2012 No.2982488
File: 3 KB, 128x128, pretty cool guy.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>2982479

No problem.

Just read many different styles of writing, and compare them. Go read a floridly-written fantasy novel, and then compare the prose to a taut suspense thriller.

S&S !!lk+9+QUNbcf Sat Sep 15 21:55:39 2012 No.2982491

>>2982467

I just wanted to add verbs are a good way to attack that problem too.

Like "His bones rattled with each blast of thundering cannon."

Or just go bare bones. "Tooth and claw slammed into the hunter, cutting, ripping at him."

Guess it depends on the style.

>>	Anonymous Sat Sep 15 21:58:39 2012 No.2982498 >>2982491 Absolutely. You could write something like, "Gunfire from the courtyard echoed in John's teeth." Or reverse it to "John's teeth echoed gunfire from the courtyard," depending on which way the perspective of the story is moving.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:10:18 2012 No.2982690 I woke groggily from the induced sleep, barely aware as the anesthetics slowly wore off. >1 is least, 10 is most, how shitty?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:16:18 2012 No.2982697 >>2982690 Needlessly repetitive. If you're going for a simple opening just use "I woke, groggy from the anesthetics."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:16:18 2012 No.2982699 >>2982690 1.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:17:18 2012 No.2982700 In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:18:18 2012 No.2982704 >>2982700 -10/10 worst shit ever go fuck yourself you'll never be an author

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:19:18 2012 No.2982705 "Everything in hell is beige."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:21:19 2012 No.2982709 >>2982315 I already posted my beginning, but I haven't reached the end. So I'll make one up on the fly. >He sighed as the tires tore across the gravel, leaving him dreadfully alone as the man disappeared behind a cloud of dust.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:23:19 2012 No.2982713 >>2981772 needs moar dictionary, you mean "marionettes" sheesh, is this the level of literati that hangs out on 4chan?

>>	Standard Toaster !TOASTXbkRg Sun Sep 16 00:24:19 2012 No.2982715 >>2982315 UNFINISHED: "He was extremely upset that somebody would come into his sanctuary and ruin his good mood."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:25:19 2012 No.2982716 >>2981778 first good one in the whole thread

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:25:19 2012 No.2982718 >>2982205 lol, right-wing fanfic? go shoot up a sikh temple you dork

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:46:44 2012 No.2982745 [DELETED]

>>2982315
A short story I finished yesterday.

First line: Hazel was born in the early nineties, and he would die in the year 2016.

Last line: She is thinking that someone who is capable of acting on such ridiculous emotional impulses such as suicide is without a doubt still a child, and she picks up the knife and uses the blade to saw off the length of her hair before she falls asleep nude in the blood-stained bathtub.

As you can tell, it's terrible.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:49:17 2012 No.2982752 "The miasma of grumbling murmur and the peripheral heat of palm against cheek pull me further away from a near-dead dreamless catatonia." First draft, please don't hurt me.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:56:17 2012 No.2982763 >>2982752 Extraordinarily tryhard. Probably the most tryhard sentence I've ever read.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 00:58:17 2012 No.2982766 Murial. There I've said it. Murial 'the mosaic master-piece' Thompson.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:07:18 2012 No.2982776 In the bush I found a sizable radio. It was in a brown beer box covered by a yellow raincoat.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:09:17 2012 No.2982781 >>2982776 That was two sentences you fucking subhuman.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:10:17 2012 No.2982782 >>2982752 Probably a troll but if not.. Descriptive words of that class are like sugar. You've just waltzed into a cake club, poured out a sack of white sugar on the floor and said "please don't be mean this is my first time baking a cake"

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:15:18 2012 No.2982786 >>2982781 hey bro hey hey bro listen hey bro over here bro no come closer this message is just for you hey listen you're a cool guy but this is just a message board cool bro catch ya l8ter!

>>	noko Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:16:18 2012 No.2982789 "MORE ALE!"

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:18:18 2012 No.2982791 >>2982782 So: "The clamour surrounding me and the sense of my hand on my cheek awake me from a dreamless sleep." ? It sounds more redundant than the first one. I'm not sure how to write this without it sounding simple or needless.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:20:18 2012 No.2982795 >>2982791 Better :) Maybe: The clamour surrounding me and a hand on my cheek awoke me.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:22:18 2012 No.2982797 >>2982795 Although there are still two 'me's.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:23:18 2012 No.2982799 >>2982789 was the guy saying it a bear-class gay warrior with a massive beard that had braids in it?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:27:09 2012 No.2982805 "I swallowed my mouthful of half chewed prunes and wrapped my lips around his penis."

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:35:40 2012 No.2982818

>>2982795

If it helps at all I was trying to capture that feeling you have in those first few moments after falling asleep in class where you don't know wtf is going on and your senses are all muddled.

"The surrounding clamour and sense of a head in my hand becomes clearer as I come to from a dreamless sleep."

But now that sounds like my character just decapitated a bitch in a psychotic fugue, to me anyway.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:42:41 2012 No.2982822 >>2982818 and that would make for a better story

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:43:41 2012 No.2982823 The shape of Eleanor’s eye occurs to Jill as two semi-circles intertwined, each sweeping through the other’s center.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:45:59 2012 No.2982827 >>2982823 Did Jill have a concussion?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:48:59 2012 No.2982835 >>2982827 She's incredibly insane, but it's also supposed to be an allusion to vesica piscis, because Eleanor is lying on her side.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:53:58 2012 No.2982840 it's a children's story but here goes. "Jane licked a dick Dick dicked a chick Spot frotted Dot Duck assfucked in a truck"

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:54:58 2012 No.2982841 As the burning city unfolded below him, he held his machinegun and grimaced at what he was about to do. But he knew he would do it, because he was the elitist of the elite.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:55:58 2012 No.2982844 >>2982752 Holy shit. Keep your hands where I can see them and step away from the thesaurus, son. Or at the very least get one that doesn't equate 'sleep' with 'catatonia'.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:57:59 2012 No.2982848 >>2982841 I started out groaning inside, but that ending made me authentically lol. Nicely played.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:58:00 2012 No.2982850 >>2982791 >I'm not sure how to write this without it sounding simple or needless Then you probably don't need it in the story at all.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 01:59:00 2012 No.2982851 >>2982844 B-but I didn't use a theasarus... and the character is a catatonic schizophrenic!. I-I thought it might be f-foreshadowing....

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 10:38:04 2012 No.2983410 At this time it fell out that a brazenlockt damsel grieved because that Puppette her minion was ravisht of her by the ogre Puropeus Pious.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 10:39:04 2012 No.2983412 "Another humid Tuesday afternoon had Laureen face deep in her fridge digging for a cola."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 10:50:05 2012 No.2983427 >>2983412 kind of intrigued by this one, but i would rather use "refrigerator" as opposed to fridge. just a suggestion; i think it flows better and suits the tone more, at least the tone of that one sentence.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 10:58:05 2012 No.2983438 >>2983427 Thank you. Perhaps your right, 'refrigerator' would of been more effective over all. I might change it since the short story I wrote chuck full of run-on, which I do have a bad habit of.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:01:06 2012 No.2983444 Before I begin, I should tell you; everyone's going to die, and it will be neither for edge nor shock value.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:03:07 2012 No.2983449 >>2981673 "We eat bread here."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:08:06 2012 No.2983455 >>2983444 sounds pretentious

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:14:06 2012 No.2983464

>Leaves rustling in a faint wind that blew in from the sea, smelling like fading summer, light pouring in through gaps in the forest canopy, the twitter of a particularly persistent crimsonling that nested somewhere on that slope – all these things were conspiring together to nab Marceline's concentration and make off with it for the land of naps.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:22:44 2012 No.2983479 File: 75 KB, 467x342, 1410398234_c341320704.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2981673 >"The world is ending again." I kinda like this. Guess I don't know good writing. Poor me.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:24:44 2012 No.2983482 It was the moment he forgot his fathers face.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:26:44 2012 No.2983485 >>2983479 I like it as well. It's not the best in the thread but it's cool.

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:36:45 2012 No.2983499

>>2983485
>>2983479
There are a lot of ways to play that phrase. I'm not sure how good a story OP's would be, but I feel like it would swell writing prompt.

you could go with:
-grand and cosmic, big crunch to big bang over and over again interpretation
-weird surreal. A world which ends regularly and the people are all seemlessly transferred to a new strange world again and again.
-teenage girl drama. OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!
-blase tv-show style apocalypse of the week.
Or you could play it in some other figurative way.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:37:45 2012 No.2983501 >The soundtrack had been the hardest part - he'd had to put it together from several different tapes, in several different stages of decay.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:44:45 2012 No.2983518 You's are sure you's are wanting to be doing this?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:50:47 2012 No.2983531 They had the entirety of the first floor carpet-bombed; one could tell from a distance by the acrid stench.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:57:48 2012 No.2983550 It was at precisely times like these that it occurred to Keith just how dangerously edgy he was, and he consigned a note to the towering annals of his mind to be more careful in future.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 11:59:47 2012 No.2983553 Seriously, when did 'edgy' become such a buzzword?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:01:47 2012 No.2983561 I use it ironically.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:02:47 2012 No.2983565 >>2983553 about 10 years after it was a relevant criticism.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:03:48 2012 No.2983567 >>2983561 bah, I use "irony" post-ironically

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:03:48 2012 No.2983568 >>2983565 When exactly is 10 years after never? My knowledge on this particular subject is lacking.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:08:09 2012 No.2983580 >>2982752 God almighty. You get two adjectives and so unusual synonyms from here on in, son.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:08:09 2012 No.2983581 >>2983580 So = two I don't know how I messed that up...

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:11:08 2012 No.2983589

All across the province, low-born thugs, hairy, unwashed to a man, with sloped foreheads and conjoined eyebrows, with far more missing teeth than any decent member of the public naturally has - and no respect for either Law or Gods - are saddling their horses and putting on their sword belts.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:11:08 2012 No.2983590 >>2981728 I absolutely despise James Cordon, and I don't know why. I think it's his face. His cunty fucking face. That stupid smirk, and the fat fucking cheeks and multiple fucking chins. God, I hate that cunt.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:13:08 2012 No.2983592 >>2983590 That would be a pretty good opening, actually.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:14:08 2012 No.2983595 >>2983592 I was just thinking that as I was writing it.

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 12:46:32 2012 No.2983660

here's something from a story I've been playing with for awhile, but since I'm just a dabbler I haven't gotten very far:

I've always thought that there are three sides to every picture. There is the field, that which is captured. There is the person behind the lens, who chooses to capture it. And there is the remainder, the thing half-captured but not chosen, hidden behind the photographer's intent.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:04:34 2012 No.2983692 File: 302 KB, 542x800, 1341894338267.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2983660 THE PHOTOGRAPH. Directed by Chrisopher Nolan.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:07:24 2012 No.2983697 >>2983660 >>2983660 Sounds pretentious and try hard. For such a large amount of words, you manage to say very little really.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:09:23 2012 No.2983702 >>2983697 Its the opening statement given by a retired old philosopher who had been working as an applied ethicist for a corporation as a sort of subjectivist sophist.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:11:23 2012 No.2983707 >>2983702 In the context it sounds marginally less retarded.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:14:23 2012 No.2983715 >>2983707 thanks.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:14:23 2012 No.2983716 >>2983702 no philosopher, no matter how old and senile, would say something so poorly thought out and constructed.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:15:23 2012 No.2983721 >>2983716 Not even, Singer?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:18:24 2012 No.2983726 ITT: word salad

>>	Keaton Shake !!yGmvH6kpa3n Sun Sep 16 13:21:24 2012 No.2983732 >>2981690 I swear I've seen this guy post in a thread like this before with the same line. Am I imagining things?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:22:24 2012 No.2983737 Call me, Ishy-kun

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 13:58:45 2012 No.2983838 >>2983737 MOBY DICK, SO KAWAII DESU!!

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 15:54:17 2012 No.2984105 Slithering back from the swamp, the near-death wreck of a body prevailed.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:01:17 2012 No.2984128 False hope is the rickety cradle of ignorance, in which the poor lay their heads and sleep for eternity.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:15:19 2012 No.2984168 >>2984128 Hahaha, try harder and you'll implode. It's not even good.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:17:19 2012 No.2984175 >>2984168 >try harder >mfw I just typed out in 3 seconds the first ridiculous sentence that came to my head and then clicked 'send'.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:22:19 2012 No.2984189 that feel when crawling into a fresh made bed on a crisp fall night w/ the window open

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:26:15 2012 No.2984207 >>2984175 I hope so, because it could easily be written by an adolescent thinking s/he is "saying something meaningful." (Dismayed laughter.) Indeed that is what I initially thought. Also, that comma is unnecessary if not grammatically incorrect.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:30:14 2012 No.2984216 She felt him jerking and quivering inside.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:30:14 2012 No.2984218 "Rejoice!"

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:34:47 2012 No.2984232 The scientists watched as Pluto slowly disappeared beneath the sinewy black shadows that ran across its surface. >Wordy, I know. Hell of a thing to try editing, though

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:39:46 2012 No.2984243 >>2984232 Do the scientists really mentioning in that very first sentence? "Pluto slowly disappeared beneath sinewy black shadows running across its surface."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:39:47 2012 No.2984245 >>2984232 Do the scientists really need mentioning in that very first sentence? "Pluto slowly disappeared beneath sinewy black shadows running across its surface."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:42:47 2012 No.2984255 Ayn Rand awoke from her government regulated eight hours of slumber, sat upright in bed, and moaned in ecstasy as she spread her sopping wet pussy lips with two withered fingers.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:45:47 2012 No.2984262 As I sip away my fourth tankard of the finest Irish stout I could find in this godforsaken town, I glance indifferently towards the window.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:47:47 2012 No.2984265 >>2984255 I love the first part of the sentence, before the first comma. Make the second half wittier, for your readers (/me).

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:47:47 2012 No.2984266 Why them bitches always trying get my cock, tyrone?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:47:47 2012 No.2984267 >>2984262 meh

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:51:47 2012 No.2984276 >>2984265 But the character is dead inside! In any case, thanks, it still needs work - you did tell.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:52:47 2012 No.2984278 >>2981707 I love that.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:53:47 2012 No.2984280 >>2984267 At least he shits his pants later on.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:54:47 2012 No.2984287 Beyond the Indian hamlet, upon a forlorn strand, I happened on a trail of recent footprints. Am I a writer yet?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:55:47 2012 No.2984290 >>2984262 "I shared my inattention between the window and my fourth tankard of the least horrible Irish stout I could find in this godforsaken town."

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:55:49 2012 No.2984291 I hope I still have potatoes.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:57:49 2012 No.2984294 >>2984290 Though to be fair it still sounds fucking juvenile.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:57:49 2012 No.2984298 "So when I was twelve years old my parents died in a car accident, which sounds all horrible and tragic until you realize that it was in the middle of an attempted insurance scam." I'm not very good at this am I?

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:58:49 2012 No.2984303 >>2984294 But it'd be good if it were a novel written from the perspective of someone who is horribly fucking juvenile, but I can't imagine that was the case.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:58:49 2012 No.2984306 Rowans bloomed Paul's summer.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 16:59:49 2012 No.2984308 >>2984303 It's a work long abandoned for I indeed were very juvenile back then. I'm improving.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:00:49 2012 No.2984313 >>2984308 >for I indeed were very juvenile back then Looks like you've still got a lotimproving to do.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:01:49 2012 No.2984319 >>2984313 >got a lotimproving Well, that was a retarded attempt to be witty. Fuck my life.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:01:49 2012 No.2984321 >>2984298 Lose the " in a car accident which sounds all horrible and tragic until you realize that it was"

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:03:49 2012 No.2984323 >>2984319 Don't take everything so seriously, breh. Besides, I was being poetic as fuck.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:07:50 2012 No.2984339 The watchdog was asleep again.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:26:50 2012 No.2984416 Deep in the Scottish high-lands, a young man trudged through the thick snow, pulling his scarf up further around his face to protect his fine features from the biting chill.

>>	Sheldon44 Sun Sep 16 17:29:51 2012 No.2984431 “I’m just out to get some milk, I’ll be back in a moment.”

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:37:51 2012 No.2984461 File: 8 KB, 311x263, captain-lawrence-oates-1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2984431

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 17:42:51 2012 No.2984485
File: 258 KB, 1152x864, photon_wallpaper_7_1152.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

Throughout my teenage years I managed to swim with dolphins, eat shark, fall in and out of love, travel for five days across the Kenyan plains to see the beauty of an elephant in it's natural environment, stand on a mountain in Peru to witness our galaxy arc across the night sky, but the first time in my life that I have truly felt alive was in an aircraft hanger with Hanah; MDMA coursing through our veins, 90s Trance pumping through our stobe-lit ears, and the world with all its sanctioned formalities and concrete corporations melting away into grey puddles to leave our present moment of perspiration, naked flesh, and glo-stick kisses as the most important event in the universe.

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:17:36 2012 No.2984578

"Crikey" he said, "that was a big one, I don't think I've spanged like that since I was ten and I had a wank upside down onto my own bonce". He stood up, with a mcflurry of his own spaff trinkling down his trouser leg and went to make some tea for Mrs. Miggworthy next door.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:19:36 2012 No.2984590 File: 9 KB, 298x379, oh,u.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2984578 >a mcflurry of his own spaff

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:21:11 2012 No.2984595 File: 154 KB, 384x453, kicked it.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>2984578 >spanged >bonce >spagg >Mrs. Miggworthy

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:24:11 2012 No.2984600 "Your Lens, or your life." Those words were more threatening than the barrel of the gun being pressed against her spine.

>>	Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:27:12 2012 No.2984610 >>2984595 leave it out mate i've just lost a pint of blood

Anonymous Sun Sep 16 18:36:13 2012 No.2984630

>The seats were cramped together, the belts were too tight-I felt like I was sitting so close to my father that whenever he breathed in my direction, I could recite the meals he had eaten over the past few days.

First line of my personal statement for college applications. It was about my first time I was on an airplane (I was applying for aerospace engineering). Was good enough for UCSD.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 05:05:36 2012 No.2985711 >>2984600 But if the gun barrel was less threatening than the words, why even have a gun? Surely the gun was there to force complicity with the words. The words wouldn't be very worrisome if the "or your life" ultimatum wasn't being enforced.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 05:27:44 2012 No.2985733 The door ajar before me was one of twelve others in a hallway, each one and the walls between them a cold hospital white.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 05:29:46 2012 No.2985737 A voice came through the open door: Come in! But I had expected something less inviting and hesitated.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 05:35:45 2012 No.2985741 The only one I remember was a quick write I did two years ago. It was "I can't even watch the same porn anymore"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 05:37:23 2012 No.2985743 It's Christmas in Kandahar.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 11:23:16 2012 No.2986111 Jeremy M. was the name on the card at the foot of the bed.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 11:29:24 2012 No.2986116 Henry hated his name.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 11:40:18 2012 No.2986128 Upside-down hanukah?

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 11:43:20 2012 No.2986130 I thought his Ma had cancer or something, but mine said ''No, Conor. She's not WELL.''

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 11:54:20 2012 No.2986143 >>2986130 Excellent.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 13:00:10 2012 No.2986212 I never did get over the fact that when the world ended, it wasn't a dark, stormy night full of ill omens and other stereotypically spooky shit; in point of fact, it was a rather pleasant afternoon in April.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 13:18:31 2012 No.2986236 >>2983501 I like this one. Quite a lot, actually.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 13:21:31 2012 No.2986242 >>2983501 I like this one.

>>	Mish Mon Sep 17 13:27:18 2012 No.2986249 File: 58 KB, 450x338, 83727424.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] It’s just that time of day, where the red sun drips through spotted leaves and the air cools a small breeze. lol

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 14:08:44 2012 No.2986297

Lloyd had never been an easy sleeper, convinced as he was that to be a legitimate artist, one had to forsake such things as sleep in favor of creation; however upon awakening it became obvious to him that his restlessness wasn't so much caused by his lifestyle as by the god that he was apparently sharing his mind with.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 14:22:46 2012 No.2986327 "Sir, how much would you like to withdraw?", her disapproving look and bloodshot eyes felt like my mothers, fuck, I hate banks.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 14:25:46 2012 No.2986331 An invasive clarity claims the evening, Dylan was not going to murder his family tonight.

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 14:40:49 2012 No.2986365

Staring into the filthy mirror of a Waffle House bathroom, Kelly Blankenbeckly was by anyone's standards hideous; his stomach looking bloated and distended hanging past the Tazmanian Devil themed sweat pants, picking out pieces of waffle from his unkempt beard that grew mostly on his neck.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 14:56:15 2012 No.2986398 >>2981673 "Crusty Cum stains cost extra!" yelled the irate oriental attendant in the crowded dry cleaners.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 15:05:14 2012 No.2986414 >>2984266 Black people tend to say dick, not cock. Just saying.

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 15:13:35 2012 No.2986436

1:"... you fucking monkey"
2:"That's racist"
1:"The remark was not a comment on your colour of skin, rather of the content of your character. Or lack thereof".
3:"You can't call a black man a monkey on national TV, Ted".
1:"Oh, because of the way it has been used throughout history as a discriminate term to surpress black people?
Then what should I call him? What animal share these characteristics that I want to describe him with?
An animal with somewhat human abilities that still behaves like some cockjuggling thundercunt with a minimum of brain cells?
3:"You shouldn't be calling him anything, it's rude".
1:"But I WANT to be rude. I WANT to call him names! And I think that monkey emphasizes exactly my thoughts of him.
What about... what about a jellyfish, a really, really stupid jellyfish? It's supposed to be offensive, but not towards his coulour of skin. Would that do?
3:"Sigh..."
1:"Alright, I retract my statement of calling you a monkey, based on the fact that it has been used to discriminate your race.
I furthermore wish to declare you a jellyfish in the sense that you are so dense that not even Martin Luther King could dare to dream about it".
2:"Cracker..."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 15:36:40 2012 No.2986472 >>2986436 This is pretty decent. Good idea, but you need to polish it etc.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 16:06:45 2012 No.2986543 "prayed, prayed for every concave convex to unconcave and take flight on dim, starry wings." T-the ending is gonna s-segue into the beginning! I-I'm g-g-gonna be the next J-James Joyce! ;__;

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 16:46:29 2012 No.2986733 >>2986543 segue into the beginning? Like American Psycho?

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 17:47:05 2012 No.2986933 >>2986733 I've actually never read it. More Finnegan's Wake style.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 18:40:09 2012 No.2987028 His voice comes to us like wind through a canebrake and it promises fire.

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 18:47:12 2012 No.2987039
File: 29 KB, 500x500, 1347686022793.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I clicked the image and floated over the hospital bed, soon noticing that the girl who had exploded was trapped in a computer screen, and they were both making out right under my feet.

Why did I have to wake up?

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:00:46 2012 No.2987072 They say you're supposed to feel numb. But Jones was never one to feel numb.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:02:45 2012 No.2987077 >>2981673 "I was coming out of the shirt store with my new shirt, when suddenly..."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:11:33 2012 No.2987093 Henrietta never meant to eat the whole cheesesteak.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:12:33 2012 No.2987097 "He was whistling. The melody was nostalgic, gently merging with the air in the helmet's artificial sanctum. It slowly overtook the doctor too, and a spark of recognition blossomed from his innermost self."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:14:36 2012 No.2987100 "If you had to compare it to something, it'd probably be like a classic Van Gough painting. Except it was more runny and all over the wall with bits of skull in it."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:22:08 2012 No.2987117 There were several interesting thoughts going through Jason's head in the seconds before a bullet nearly followed them.

>>	SadCat Mon Sep 17 19:25:09 2012 No.2987126 I'm trying to sleep on the job.

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 19:41:12 2012 No.2987161

>We all experience it, that time when God or whatever force it was pulled us and brought us onto the great green sphere,whether we wanted to or not, without giving us any word of warning or advice on what to do here. We were just strewn out like garbage and found ourselves as lost as the moon against a light blue sky.

>How sick human nature is, to give no second thought to tossing my ambitions, my dreams, my goals, and my love, away at a whim, simply because they need more soldiers.

>The yellow-coated owls were rare, cherished more than diamond by the little people of the town,

they're bad

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 20:16:10 2012 No.2987245 "These fucking balloons, man"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 20:53:33 2012 No.2987340 "Every night my mom falls asleep with the news on."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 21:07:36 2012 No.2987361 >>2987340 Potentially good/relevant to our society.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 21:28:39 2012 No.2987390 File: 119 KB, 700x700, 1338769672456.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] "We have a budget problem" said the girl to the motely assembly of fairytale monsters.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 21:32:38 2012 No.2987393 >>2982315 "Look at the squirrel," she said. "Oh, would you look at the funny squirrel!" I swear to god, it's heartbreaking in context.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 21:43:34 2012 No.2987423 >And the sight of land was a sleight of hand, a collusion of the sun and wind, the illusion that one day our destiny would come

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 21:46:33 2012 No.2987433 Between these streets the stars are faded, the flames burn too bright to let them through

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:06:28 2012 No.2987485 'General Almondhead puts his crotch to his face, rubbing his sagging jewels.'

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:09:26 2012 No.2987490 The respirator machine droned on monotonously, its metronome-like beat reverberating around the blandly colored hospital room.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:10:26 2012 No.2987491 A rain of cannon fire cascaded across the frigid skies of St. Petersburg. And, Princess Sophia stared though the dark glass window of her automobile.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:17:26 2012 No.2987506 Karl was standing knee-deep in a pile of mangos. "Look at these mangos," he said. "My God, just look at all these mangos!"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:21:29 2012 No.2987515 >>2987506 "They're... They're so beautiful!" he whispered, crying into his hand. "You'll never leave me, mangos," he sobbed as his shoulders began to tremble. "Never again."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:21:29 2012 No.2987519 The first time Richard Diggulous dies is on a warm winter morning in Colorado.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:22:29 2012 No.2987521 >>2982315 All those memories that had once been a shadow of kindness in her mind suddenly swarmed her brain, as if to taunt her on what she had lost. >It's not finished.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:23:29 2012 No.2987523 As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:33:29 2012 No.2987545 >>2982315 Never move too far from the news.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:35:33 2012 No.2987546 >>2987523 Pretty good. Mockery is interesting, but there seems to be a jingle to it. I found it funny nonetheless, though.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 22:46:31 2012 No.2987569 In those woods over there there flows a river, and that river has no name.

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 23:16:02 2012 No.2987628 "Maybe there is a place where the world is more than sand and invisible fires scorching the land, but these cuts and burns tell me otherwise."

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 23:35:23 2012 No.2987660

A few I'm fond of:

"Marylin stood beneath the great willow with her eyes closed, listening to the soft whisper of the wind through the branches."

"Johnny grabbed the old box from behind a trunk in the corner of the attic."

"The dying embers of the fire cast a ruddy glow in a dim circle around the camp."

"Llia lay gasping on the floor, her blonde hair plastered to her face by vomit the red-black color of month old blood."

Anonymous Mon Sep 17 23:44:26 2012 No.2987677

>>2982315
"With that, the guildmaster stepped over their prone forms, laughing softly to himself as he left the two poisoners to experience the horrific death to which they had condemned so many others."

"And perhaps it’s no surprise that the creature thought it was to blame when everything burst into blue flames; destroying all that there ever was."

"Taking hold of the small, soft hand, Marylin stood up into a world of light; leaving behind the vacant lot and the shell of her life, forever."

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 23:50:26 2012 No.2987697 "Summer is supposed to be the most memorable season"

>>	Anonymous Mon Sep 17 23:52:26 2012 No.2987703 >>2982315 "God, I fucking hate being a teenager"

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 00:01:31 2012 No.2987721 My father, quite selfishly, is dead. >written at age 17

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 00:07:29 2012 No.2987730 "Upon the bleating road it marches, its destination into the insatiable consumer, and into the unfathomable pockets of modern America."

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 00:12:32 2012 No.2987742 >>2987721 I love you

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 01:08:47 2012 No.2987843 >>2986212 I could nitpick this one to death, but I still like it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 01:09:49 2012 No.2987846 A car pulls into the drive as I quickly pull up my tight sweatpants and hastily push my erection downwards.

>>	Mish Tue Sep 18 01:15:49 2012 No.2987859 >>2987846 best one so far

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 01:17:49 2012 No.2987863 >>2987361 Thanks. It's a damn good story, and it's one of only a few that I'm really proud of.

>>	Shane MacGowan Tue Sep 18 01:36:51 2012 No.2987907 >>2987846 I wanna hear more.

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 01:42:53 2012 No.2987913 >>2987907 Aaaaaaand the fish takes the bait. First line of book draws reader in; SUCCESS!

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 01:45:53 2012 No.2987925 >>2987859 It would end with something like, "and no one would ever know why my socks never matched."

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 04:05:16 2012 No.2988066 "I've done it." Boring, but the piece is called "How I Ended The Westboro Baptist Church." (if you want to read it: http://bit[put a dot here]ly/QhYBxS)

Anonymous Tue Sep 18 04:55:30 2012 No.2988114

I'll post a few from my crappy short stories.

My Dear June,
I'm really glad to know you're feeling better.

We met outside a lecture theatre, second semester 2009.

Schrödinger: Man, I'm so bored. This is boring as shit. I don't even know why I'm here.

"If you could be like anybody else, who would it be?"

So I'll tell you this story of mine, basically because it's one of the few stories from my life that are worth telling.

Stepping out through sliding glass doors into the cold air, not feeling the change for a second or two.

Dog was lying on his side in the rectangle of morning sunlight on the floor, warming himself, me staring at him from the couch with a bowl of Weet-Bix in my lap, when Trent shuffled in from the bathroom.

The scene opens in an expensive restaurant, late, after all the other patrons have left and the cleaning staff are moving about.

OK. Now. A glob of pthalo blue, a tiny dab of middle red, double it with water. Perfect Prussian Blue.

Anonymous Tue Sep 18 06:14:38 2012 No.2988161

A tired, eight year-old Luois lay motionless on the wooden floor of his bedroom.

last line (unfinished):

"Believe me when I tell you that I am as solid as the crumbs I am consuming, as present as the drip of the faucet behind me, and as real as the pain of your father's belt."

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 07:22:07 2012 No.2988212 >>2987028 >>2987097 >>2987126 >>2987340 >>2987721 >>2986130 These are good.

>>	Anonymous Tue Sep 18 07:27:07 2012 No.2988215 >>2988212 I typed ''Is RJ king'' and Google suggested ''Is RJ king of the swamp?'' Yes. Yes he is.

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/lit/ - Literature