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/lit/ - Literature

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File: 229 KB, 1280x774, story.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2746390 No.2746390 [Reply] [Original]

First story I've written in a while and I want to get a lot better, please read this and tell me what I should work on and how bad it sucks.

I know it's cliche, but in the end I kinda wanted it to be.

>> No.2746406

bump

>> No.2746421

It wasn't funny enough. Most of the jokes fell flat.

>> No.2746425
File: 40 KB, 399x388, sadfrog1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2746425

>>2746421
I wan't trying to make it funny

>> No.2746447

>>2746425
My condolences on the abortion then

>> No.2746517

>>2746447
Eh, it was my first time in a long time. I didn't expect it to be good.

>> No.2746532

>>2746447
Now THAT was funny. First time I laughed out loud on this miserable website in the longest time.

>> No.2746546

Am I the only one who types immaculately and immediately expunges errors when they first become evident? Did you even reread this before showing us? How the fuck do people submit anything with so many typos?

Fucking autists, I swear.

>> No.2746563

>>2746546
I write one sentence at a time and fuck with the sentence until it is perfect.

>> No.2746704

Nice screenplay bro

>> No.2746743

>>2746704
This is dead on, you put way too much effort into trying to convey the flow of the dialogue

Also, your writing is just ridiculously cliched and the deductive aspects of it are half-assed and not very well thought out. This would only work as the script for a shitty cop show as is.

You aren't displaying the intelligence or ability to put together a decent novel in this piece and you probably just do not have the writing talent. Sorry.

>> No.2746745

Also your descriptions are terribly bland

>> No.2746749

>>2746743
*control* the flow of the dialogue

>> No.2746779

>>2746743
>writing talent

>> No.2746781
File: 89 KB, 206x200, 1333417490507.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2746781

reads like an internet story
smirk appears twice on the same page mfw

i have a story i was wondering if i posted it would anyone bother to read it

>> No.2746784

>>2746743
Writing talent is all fucking practice. Plenty of amazing writers haven't been geniuses.