A poem I wrote

[Anonymous No.2690154]

Hey /lit/. This is the first poem(if its a poem idgaf) i've written in a while. Any comments, criticisms, flaming, and sexual advances are more than welcome. thanks in advance.

It was when everyone threw their caps in the air,
that I realized I hate my life.
I should have graduated.
But instead I'm drinking with a beautiful boy who won't fuck me.
under the bridge,
where a melancholy burn coats my throat.
oh oh jackie boy, burn me and make me crazy.
Crazy enough to get fucked.
twice.
at least.


God, I hate what has been done to my life.


And so I'm in a giant bed.
with beautiful boys and beautiful girls.
who won't fuck me.
And all the normal people are leaving,
because i'm shirtless, wrapped
around the boy,
who's keep trying for pussy.
and doesn't know me.
that i'm right here.
full of desire.
"feminine, marvelous and tough."
waiting.
waiting.
waiting.
to get.
fucked.
and fucked.
and fucked.

Whisky dick, burning feeling of an inability to be loved,
catwangs, margaritas, marijuana, MXE, Poppies, Cock,
Chest hair running towards the place I want to be.

Am I William Burroughs?
Am I John Lennon?
Would ted berrigan fuck me?
More questions than answers.

But i'm okay with that,
just A. O. K.
I'm okay with everything.
just Ok.

God, I am so lonely.

[Anonymous No.2690156]

>God, I hate what has been done to my life.
Take the fucking blame for your own problems you cunt.

[Anonymous No.2690178]

>>2690156
don't even start this. nothing is anyone's "fault" actions and events are too complex.

I never meant to imply that i'm not responsible for this, but I do know I'm not _completely_ responsible.

anyways thanks for saying something, even if you are an assuming asshole ; )

[Anonymous No.2690183]

>>2690178
Assumptive? or assuming? which is more appropriate for this silly person?

[Anonymous No.2690189]

This sucks OP. Thanks for posting, I'll know how to /not/ write about lust and drugs.

[Anonymous No.2690191]

Don't write poetry unless you read it. This is awful.

[Anonymous No.2690195]

>>2690191
>>2690189
Whatever. I read plenty of poetry, its my first attempt in a while and I DID read it about 5 times.

Is it just too personal? or are you a bunch of snobs? because sometimes I swear there's nothing but elitists on /lit/

People liked the last story I posted, I think.

[Anonymous No.2690198]

>>2690154

This is a bad Tori Amos song.

Can you be a little less blatant? The last line really kills anything good you had going. People don't want to read a poem to have you whine at them with no well poetic flavor, and the sprinkle a masked reference over it sporadically. Respect your reader. Let them have some room for interpretation. Let them have some mystery. Jesus Christ.

Oh, and I'm a fucking loser so if it's any consolation chances are good that I'd fuck you.

[Anonymous No.2690200]

>>2690191
>>2690189
Whatever. I read plenty of poetry, its my first attempt in a while and I DID read it about 5 times.
But it was very spontaneous, its not perfect.

Is it just too personal? or are you a bunch of snobs? because sometimes I swear there's nothing but elitists on /lit/

People liked the last story I posted, I think.

[Anonymous No.2690201]

>being a girl
>not being able to be fucked

[Anonymous No.2690202]

I think this poem is garbage. There is no strenght to it whatsoever.
It is as if OP confuses "pain" with "overcoming resistance".

The first is not a suitable theme for a poem, the latter is.

[Anonymous No.2690213]

>>2690195
It is awful. There is not a single good line. You do not read poetry. You might own a few anthologies or collections, but your reading is lazy.

It is not the subject matter or how personal you are. It is just bad writing. This isn't poetry, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous No.2690218]

>>2690198
Maybe I've been listening to the violent femmes too much, they're so blatant sometimes.

and its a bad Tori Amos song? did you have to be so mean about it?

Whatever, at least I didnt show it to anyone that knows me in person

and sorry for the double post

[Anonymous No.2690224]

>>2690213
I'm not trying to be a dick, either. If you really want to become a poet, you have your work cut out for you. Going around thinking that this drivel is good will only set you back.

Look into some books about reading poetry and learn to develop a better sense of what it is about.

[Anonymous No.2690230]

>>2690201
Not a girl.

>>2690224
well I can feel the flow to it, at least when I read it out loud. but whatever, if /lit/ thinks its bad, its bad :)

[Anonymous No.2690236]

>>2690195
The only thing that stuck with me was 'under the bridge' line. Then it's bullshit over bullshit with some references that hold no weight.

Also the "God parallel" is completely off.

So

[Anonymous No.2690248]

i didn't like the tone of the poem either but it is a first attempt. do not stop writing op. practice will make you better. if you look at the earliest poems of a bunch of poets, you'll see they weren't that great either.

[Anonymous No.2690250]

stop trying to write this free verse, modernist bullshit. At least put some rhyme into your work.

[Anonymous No.2690254]

OP here, and I hate to be this way, but i swear this is at least ok. I think its either too personal, or just too crazy or dare I say unique, for you to enjoy it.

I'm whiny, I fuck things up, I'm a drug addict, I'm just entering adulthood, but I act like I've been an adult for too long. There's so much pain, and I don't know if it's my fault or what to do about it.

I feel like I captured all of that. That, or I do too many drugs.

[Anonymous No.2690256]

>>2690250
lol

>rhyming
>2012

welcome to post-post-modernism.

[Anonymous No.2690276]

Someone tell me I'm wrong or right or horny. I just want to know if i could at least fix this

[Anonymous No.2690281]

>>2690254
You're hopeless.

[Anonymous No.2690289]

>>2690254

[Anonymous No.2690293]

>>2690281
I bet you're the one who said this needs more rhymes.

And you could've just said I'm wrong. Because I know I'm not hopeless.

[Anonymous No.2690295]

>>2690254

>im a white suburbanite with speical snowflake syndrome listen to what i have to say!

[Anonymous No.2690299]

>>2690295
I'm a white bisexual urbanite with a host of mental issues, I'm not special. I just wanted to share this poem :(

/lit/, y u so mean?

[Anonymous No.2690303]

consistent,chilling tone; the mood is quite interesting and difficult to describe. I have one criticism though: the ending line isn't needed because you just spent the poem describing that feeling. Also, maybe add more questions to emphasize "More questions than answers."

[Anonymous No.2690305]

>>2690299
Harsh, but fair. /lit/ is literary justice.

[Anonymous No.2690309]

>>2690293
I'm not the one who said it needs rhymes. And the "hopeless" part was in reference to you implying that your poem is too unique or some shit. I can't imagine lacking that much perspective.

[Anonymous No.2690310]

>>2690299
We're not mean, we just dislike delusions of grandeur. And it's not good, seriously. If you want to get good at poetry, read and practice writing it.

[Anonymous No.2690313]

OP, I refuse to believe that you're serious. I mean you have to be trolling. If not, then you're whole existence is an insoluble conundrum. But in the extremely unlikely event that you're actually serious, here's my advice: grow a little, read a lot, and maybe you'll see the error of your ways.....maybe..

[Anonymous No.2690315]

>>2690303
You're not doing yourself any favors by writing your own reviews.

[Anonymous No.2690323]

There are so many errors to ways, in every medium I use. whatever, im not unique, im not a special snowflake, I haven't read palhinuk in years. I'm a small person in a huge city and sometimes it sucks.

Thanks for the proverbial smack in the face guys, I guess I needed it.

[Anonymous No.2690333]

>>2690303
Hey, OP:

[Anonymous No.2690338]

>>2690315
I didn't write that. I swear you guys are just unwilling to like this. I know its bad but whatever, thats why I posted it on /lit/ and not Facebook

[Anonymous No.2690340]

>>2690313
>>2690333
I just feel like you're a couple of poor jaded people. And that I have too much hope and love to fit into any single piece of work.

[Anonymous No.2690346]

>>2690340
>>2690338

[Anonymous No.2690342]

Dude, why are you arguing with your own critics? Drop this and work on poetry more.

[Anonymous No.2690349]

Sorry to say that, but your "poem" is like a heap of pure unadulterated shit. I really wonder, how someone can be that untalented. Please, please dont post anything like that again. EVER.

Saged for being cancer.

[Anonymous No.2690350]

>>2690342
I'm being stubborn, sorry.

Thanks for giving me some new perspectives guys, it sounds like I needed it.

Gah, doing drugs and feeling crazy makes everything so frustrating.

[Anonymous No.2690353]

>>2690350

Such an obvious troll.

[Anonymous No.2690357]

>>2690349
I guess I asked to be flamed and I got what I wanted. I'm not a troll, I didn't write that "review", I just wanted to share an apparently awful poem that I wrote in 20 minutes.

but seriously, what happened to constructive criticism? I feel like you guys are mostly just hating on me.

[Anonymous No.2690365]

>>2690353
GTFO. I'm not trolling. god, I should have left the part about flaming out of the OP

[Anonymous No.2690368]

>>2690365

>doing drugs and feeling crazy makes everything so frustrating.

are you 15?

[Anonymous No.2690373]

>>2690368
Fuck you.

Are you a drug addict? do you have any idea what it's like to live like that? Jesus, talk shit about my poem all you want, but fuck you for going there.

[Anonymous No.2690378]

>>2690373

I've dealt with addiction before. I don't go around expecting sympathy from strangers for it.

[Anonymous No.2690385]

>>2690378
addicts deserve sympathy. Humans deserve sympathy.

But I'll share some of my story if you share yours

[Anonymous No.2690394]

>who's keep trying for pussy

>poor grammar in a poem
>año 12 del siglo xxi

[Anonymous No.2690395]

>>2690385
addicts don't deserve sympathy, they deserve help. As you haven't gotten that addiction-related help yet, whinging on about it is like complaining about how fat/stupid you are. Nobody wants to hear about problems that only you yourself can resolve.

[Anonymous No.2690396]

>>2690385
You can bestow deservingness on whoever you want, but nobody is entitled to anything.

[Anonymous No.2690400]

>>2690394
Oh sorry, please excuse the one miniscule grammatic mistake I made.

I don't want your sympathy, I literally almost died friday night, I'm so mixed up and burnt out.

This is a product of a deranged nihilistic teenage mind. This is what the edge of scoiety, reality and sanity sound like to me.

sorry for my pretentious, noisy, sexy, bullshit. FUCK

[Anonymous No.2690405]

>>2690400
>literally almost died
Too bad death is binary. You either die or you don't.

>sexy
NOPE

[Anonymous No.2690411]

It is very immature, op. Very. And the way you traipsed off at the end leads me to believe you were getting more drunk as you wrote this. Not everything you write is going to be great. Just keep the shit, keep writing. I go back sometimes and plagiarize my own work to put it in a more fitting context. /lit/ is full of readers, with very few writers.

My advice is write everyday and live more before you think you can become great. And try to be a LITTLE less blatant.

[Evel Knievel No.2690413]

>>2690400
Oh sorry, please excuse the one miniscule grammatic mistake I made.

I don't want your sympathy, I literally almost died friday night sailing over the Grand Canyon, I'm so mixed up and burnt out.

This is a product of a deranged nihilistic mid-life mind. This is what the edge of society, reality and sanity sound like to me.

sorry for my pretentious, noisy, sexy, motorcycles. FUCK

[Anonymous No.2690414]

>>2690395
>>2690396
I disagree with both these points. I've gotten help, or at least tried.

But that's what's beautiful about humanity is that we ARE different we DO have different perspectives. Mine is apparently unpopular.

I gave up the needle, the cocaine, the heroin. But life is just way too much. And this poem is a result of my inability to cope without being nodded out or sped.

I'm so sorry to have wasted all your time on my pathetic whining.

I have a lot of good things going on too you know......

[Anonymous No.2690418]

>>2690411
I'm immature, kind sir. Thank you so much, I think that's the most helpful thing i've read in this thread.

I bet you're beautiful.

[Anonymous No.2690419]

can i steal your thunder op? how about this

this morning
an unbent condescending line
squirmed away unscathed
fled the page, fell off the notebook
it didn't want to be reduced
to mere detail

[Anonymous No.2690424]

>>2690357
here's the thing, you should spend longer than 20 minutes. did you do any revisions? when i was writing poetry, i would revisit a poem for several days, honing it. poetry is the most condensed written form. you should put a lot of thought into it then still cut and refine and expand and so on.

i have written a few poems that came out of a burst of inspiration and required little revision but those were a low percentage of the total.

[Anonymous No.2690421]

>>2690418
I am beautiful, so I'm told. But I too am very lonely and very miserable. I've always been, but it just gets a twinge of hopelessness and bitterness with age. I'm going to start a thread and post some of my work, OP. Everything is recent and uneditied, so feel free to read. I would post here, but I don't want to step on your toes.

[Deep&Edgy !UfFKGtFx2M!!/0aWHODYBc0 No.2690422]

fucking loser

[Anonymous No.2690426]

>>2690424
Yeah, this. Why would OP say that like it's a good thing? If it wasn't important enough to spend more than 20 minutes and 1 revision on, why should we give a shit? Of course it's bad.

[Anonymous No.2690429]

>>2690419
>>2690421

I think I love you both.

Please link your thread in my thread because I would just love to read you're work.

oh, and are either you in the US?

[Anonymous No.2690434]

>>2690426
I should have spent longer on it I know I know i know. it's not a good thing, but i just had to show it to someone, no matter how rough or poorly written it may be.

[Anonymous No.2690436]

It's decent OP, if this is your first it's good. Fuck every one else and keep practicing.

[Anonymous No.2690438]

Traditionalists generally believe that poems give enduring and universal life to what was merely transitory and particular. Through them, the poet expresses his vision, real or imaginative, and he does so in forms that are intelligible and pleasurable to others, and likely to arouse emotions akin to his own. Poetry is language organized for aesthetic purposes. Whatever else it does, poetry must bear witness, must fulfill the cry: 'let not my heart forget what mine eyes have seen.' A poem is distinguished by the feeling that dictates it and that which it communicates, by the economy and resonance of its language, and by the imaginative power that integrates, intensifies and enhances experience. Poems bear some relationship to real life but are equally autonomous and independent entities that contain within themselves the reason why they are so and not otherwise. Unlike discourse, which proceeds by logical steps, poetry is intuited whole as a presentiment of thought and/or feeling. Workaday prose is an abbreviation of reality: poetry is its intensification. Poems have a transcendental quality: there is a sudden transformation through which words assume a particular importance. Like a bar of music, or a small element in a holographic image, a phrase in a poem has the power to immediately call up whole ranges of possibilities and expectations. Art is a way of knowing, and is valuable in proportion to the justice with which it evaluates that knowledge. Poetry is an embodiment of human values, not a kind of syntax. True symbolism in poetry allows the particular to represent the more general, not as a dream or shadow, but as the momentary, living revelation of the inscrutable.

[Anonymous No.2690440]

The poet's task is to resurrect the outer, transient and perishable world within himself, to transform it into something much more real. He must recognize pattern wherever he sees it, and build his perceptions into poetic form that has the coherence and urgency to persuade us of its truth: the intellectual has to be fused with the sensuous meaning. All poets borrow, but where good poets improve on their borrowing, the bad debase. The greatness of the poet is measurable by the real significance of the resemblances on which he builds, the depth of the roots in the constitution, if not of the physical world, then of the moral and emotional nature of man.

[Anonymous No.2690442]

Poetry can be verse or prose. Verse has a strong metrical element. An inner music is the soul of poetry. Poetry withers and dries out when it leaves music, or at least some imagined music, too far behind. The diction of poetry is a fiction, neither that of the speaker nor the audience. Without its contrivance poetry is still possible, but is immensely poorer. Subtly the vocabulary of poetry changes with the period, but words too familiar or too remote defeat purpose of the poet. {1}

Traditionalists see themselves in a difficult position. Criticism, which was useful to them in opening doors to new approaches and poets, has been taken over by literary theory, which espouses different objectives. Formalism, which shares their interest in craft, tends to march poems up and down in strict iambic beat, or to suppose that prosaic thought expressed as verse automatically becomes poetry. Many of the prestigious small presses will not take traditional work, or show by the pieces they do publish that they have no ear or soul for poetry. On the other side lie the vast plains of amateurism, well intentioned efforts on the whole, and with the odd success, but with talent spread so thin that poetry itself is given a bad name.

[Anonymous No.2690445]

Writers may be competitive creatures, but the traditionalists do not generally have a quarrel with later schools, whose manifestoes they find interesting if not wholly convincing. They can see why Modernists believe that poems should not represent, but be. That they are structures of meaning with those meanings conveyed only through language. That once created, poems have an existence independent of the author's intentions, of the historical context or any social purpose. That poems are in some sense fictions and not representations of reality, though they may give significance, value and order to our perceptions. That they have the ability to hold something in the mind with uncommon sensitivity, with uncommon exactness, and to hold it there by attention to the language in which they're formulated. Yes, and that language catalyses, interpenetrates and modifies what is said. Perhaps even that a new reality is created, often by metaphors, which have an outward-ringing quality. Poetry does not simply illustrate a concept, but give it a new life and larger dimensions. A man is a poet if the difficulties of his craft provide him with inspiration, and not a poet if these difficulties deprive him of opportunities. {3} Yes, to all these they have no objection.

[Anonymous No.2690457]

>>2690429
I am in the us

>>2690447

[Anonymous No.2690488]

Nothing is true; Everything is permitted. Poems are not Pies.

Some of you are so obviously wonderful people, thank you so much.

.....the others, well, they're probably hurting worse than me.

Love Everything, Desire nothing, there are no boundaries, there is no consentual reality.

I wrote what I wanted. Thanks for the help, and fuck the haters.

[Anonymous No.2690489]

>>2690457
im the other guy.

and im not.

[Anonymous No.2690495]

>>2690457
ohhh, east coast? do you like boys?

[314 No.2690555]

>>2690495
Yes, east coast, and I pretty much have no will to feel anything for anyone anymore. I love all humans, I am physically more attracted to females, although I may consider it.

[Anonymous No.2690576]

>>2690555
If you're anywhere near VA, we need to talk at least. Hell, id love to talk to you even if you were in africa. How do we work this out?

[314 No.2690603]

>>2690576
I am in Louisville, Ky. If you want to post a dummy email, I will send you my real address, post haste.

[Anonymous No.2690610]

This is now a gay hookup thread

[Anonymous No.2690613]

>>2690489
>>2690495
>>2690555
>>2690576
">/lit/: Bicurious hookup spot

I am both stunned and delighted. Well done.
>>2690603

[314 No.2690625]

>>2690610
>>2690613
No, not really. I love women, but I just can't stand them. I also don't travel. But I am willing to be a friend to anyone, and I never say never. Many of my favorite writers are gay, so I would be open if I somehow fell in love. Also, op I don't think you ever visited my thread. If you did, I don't believe you have posted. I have 3 poems posted so far.

[314 No.2690627]

>>2690603
And I meant "E-mail" address, not my home address. Not that I would really give a shit, I just didn't want to appear SO creepy.

[Anonymous No.2690632]

>>2690625
He wants it in the bum, you guys. He's just being coy.

So cute.

[314 No.2690637]

>>2690632
Na, I don't play coy, I'm not THAT cute.

[Anonymous No.2690638]

>>2690625
Aw, but I was enjoying watching the budding romance..

[Anonymous No.2690641]

>>2690625
Im making a hushmail account now ;) i can maybe go to louisville tommorow, i know im going somewhere

[Anonymous No.2690650]

I bet one of them is underage.

[314 No.2690656]

>>2690641
Like I said, I meant EMAIL address. I have absolutely nothing here, and nothing to offer anyone. I am the precise definition of a "starving artist". I have no permanent residence, and no way to help you. But if you are ok with that, you are free to come to Louisville, I would help you in any meager way that I could.

[Anonymous No.2690657]

It's not perfect but most of the people in the thread are just being pricks. I think it's quite good.

Except the last line.

[Anonymous No.2690664]

I'm legal here, and hopefully in kentucky too ;)

[e-mail]

Dear 314, hit me up you cute son of a bitch

lol captcha; cingthy laws. made me giggle

[314 No.2690682]

>>2690664
I emailed you. Perhaps you aren't understanding me.

[Anonymous No.2690688]

>>2690664
Oh god my heart is physically melting with glee
This is beautiful

[Anonymous No.2690720]

>>2690688
oh I think we're feeling the same feeling.

This thread started with such bad vibes, but now i feel so loved. yay!

still feel crazy though :)

[Anonymous No.2692588]

Deviantart is leaking.

[Anonymous No.2692601]

What on earth? This is simultaneously brilliant and shameful at the same time.

[Anonymous No.2692649]

I'm not a fan. I've read poetry that conveyed this exact same thing except better. I didn't feel anything. The MC of this poem sounds dull, and I'm not sure, but I'll presume that I didn't miss her inarticulate ass on my graduation day.

[Anonymous No.2692653]

Of Postmodernism in its various manifestations — minimalism, conceptualism, performance art, improvised happenings — they are more wary. Perhaps Postmodernist poems do negate themselves by appearing to strive for autonomy but then dislocating that autonomy by shifting genre boundaries, fragmentation and montage. Perhaps language is ultimately ambiguous, when poetry is a special locus of unreality, poems accepting and exploiting that ambiguity, and to that extent becoming the most authentic of literary creations. Perhaps content is created by language, and meaning is simply the play of forms. Texts cannot know themselves, and it is the reader who has the final say on interpretation, no interpretation being final or better than another. More important than any outward organic unity is the dissonance, complexity, athwartness, estrangements and lacunae that specialized reading will discern in a poem. {4} All very interesting, traditionalists feel. But then they look at Postmodernist collections that receive rave reviews and see mere novelty, pieces that are clever but ultimately trivial and disheartening, what they might produce themselves if they forgot what poetry was or could be.

[Anonymous No.2692654]

Though literature of the last century turned away from the findings of pure and social science — if not from life altogether — research in many areas of pure and applied science is beginning to place traditional poetry in context, to show the basic rightness of its intuitions. Study of complex systems suggests, for example, that art is important for the patterning it creates from chaos — i.e. it is not the order nor the chaos per se that are important, but the growth of one from the other. Poems therefore have to be fought for: they are continually asserting themselves against the obscure, the incoherent, the dark forces of our instinctive natures. The greatest poems are not necessarily made from the most obviously felt emotions, but are made from deep strands of intellectual and emotional instability in society and individual character.

[Anonymous No.2692657]

Then we have the expanding field of metaphor research, whose findings echo the sustained search for foundations in the other great areas of human endeavour: mathematics, linguistics, philosophy and science. Man is a complex creature, and his truest experiences are not to be wholly encompassed by rational systems. As the classical world accepted, man's nature is also instinctive and physiological. Traditional poetry operates through language used in its widest remit, and that language, having been fashioned by trial and error over millennia, must inevitably hold man's truest needs and longings.

[BillyB No.2692743]

Okay guys and gals, here's a second draft. Continue hating or complimenting or whatever you want.

It was when everyone threw their caps in the air,
that I cried.
And put on my sunglasses.

a hectic room.
Full of worried worried people.
I'm lost In the sauce.
I'm done with this feeling.

But instead I'm drinking.
with a beautiful boy
who doesn't know me.
under the bridge.
oh jackie boy,
burn me and make me crazy.

Crazy enough to get fucked.

twice at least.


And so I'm in an giant bed.
with beautiful boys and beautiful girls.
And all those squares are leaving.
because i'm shirtless
around a confused boy.
And he doesn't know
that i'm right here.
full of desire.
"feminine, marvelous and tough."
waiting.
to get.
fucked.

So I recount the evening.

Whisky dick, burning feeling of an inability to be loved,
cats, margaritas, marijuana, methoxetamine,
Poppies, Cock,

Chest hair running towards the place I want to be.

Am I William Burroughs?
Am I John Lennon?

Maybe I'm Tyler,
Maybe I'm Earl
Maybe I'm just Tori Amos.
maybe I'm just somewhere strange.

Would ted berrigan fuck me?
would Allen Ginsberg let me blow him?
Is there a song called "ugly"
written about me?

More questions than answers.

But i'm okay with that,
just A. O. K.
I'm okay with everything.
just Ok.

[Anonymous No.2692796]

heres my counter poem

hurr durr
herp derp sad sad
hurr

[BillyB No.2692816]

>>2692796
Thanks, thats so helpful.....

[BillyB No.2692837]

I'm sorry I'm not Hemmingway, or Doestoyevsky, or Kerouac, or Fitzgerald, or Camus. I just want something brand new, I would hope you guys want to help me with creating something that is actually representative of this century...

[Anonymous No.2692840]

well at least you're getting views op, i think people just skip my post.

[BillyB No.2692855]

>>2692840
Feel free to direct me to your post, I would love to give you any help or cristicism you need.

[Anonymous No.2692856]

>>2692855
I posted >>2690419, I just want to know what's wrong with it.

[BillyB No.2692865]

>>2692856
I like the feeling, but it's just too abstract IMO. I feel like it needs something to give it some feet to stand on. I had to read it a few times last night before I got close to "understanding" it, even then. while my poem was apparently too blatant, yours lacks that.

Just my opinion, I'm just an 18 year old who couldn't graduate from a private art/acedemics based school.

[Anonymous No.2692876]

>>2692865
>>2692865
Hm, I understand. I just try to avoid any literalness or direct connections. Your poem is kind of 'blatant', but it's born out of some anger that gives it some sincerity that's hard to project without 'blatantness'. I liked it, for what it's worth, but I'm in the same boat as you are so yeah.

[Autist !!kZEFQaMUdBz No.2692880]

Is this a writing criticism thread?

[Anonymous No.2692882]

>>2692856
i don't think there's anything wrong with it. it's short and only contains a couple of ideas so there's little to critique.

[Anonymous No.2692886]

>>2692880
isn't every oc thread a criticism thread?

[BillyB No.2692892]

>>2692876
Thank you.

It's fellows and/or ladies like you who make /lit/ a good place.

I'm so happy you understood where I was coming from with my poem.

And I did like yours, its just "tough" in a way that reminds me of so much postmodern poetry.

Have you ever read Ron Padgett or Ted Berrigan?

[Anonymous No.2692895]

>>2692892
No, my poetry background is just beats and romantics. Are they good, should I read them?

[BillyB No.2692894]

>>2692882
Sure it's short, I can't disagree with that; but you can critique a haiku, so why not my poem?

[Autist !!kZEFQaMUdBz No.2692896]

>>2692886
Well, I ask because I'm snowballing a story, and would like feedback on a paragraph that is pretty much in the same style as the rest of it thus far.

Well, here I go
>It was a spectacle. The horse was decorated with flags of Fargon, covered with the customary red and gold livery. Jack, escorted by the man guiding the horse by bridle, sat high on his motile throne, a one-man parade through the crowds. But the people were more than happy to make way. Men and women stopped in their tracks to see this man, tall on his stallion, making his way to the Temple with every clop of a horseshoe. They respected him, and even if they had never seen his face, they loved him. Along the three kilometer journey he came across those with looks of admiration, others of bold reverence, and others with ample applause. Jack had thought about how sweet this would taste, but it was a treat that melted on the tongue. He stood as erect as possible, and though every bump was an uncushioned blow, he the waved to onlookers and, perhaps a bit too audaciously, blew kisses to all the pretty women he could find. The trip to the Temple took maybe fifty minutes, but in soaking up all the energy from the citizens of Fargon, his famished gullet was met with a week's worth of satisfaction, and the array of bruises and blisters healed themselves.

[Anonymous No.2692911]

>>2692896
>It was a spectacle.

I'd use a colon.

>The horse was decorated with flags of Fargon, covered with the customary red and gold livery.

I wouldn't use customary, it's become kind of a cliched use of the word and is a bit redundant, all flag color's and decoration are customary by nature.

> But the people were more than happy to make way.

'More than happy' is too modern a construction, pulls me out.

>Along the three kilometer journey he came across [...] looks of admiration [and] of bold reverence[...]

This is what I would do. [...] is something I deleted.

etc.

Try to use less commas and shorter sentences. It's adequate but a bit indulgent and therefore unremarkable.

[BillyB No.2692912]

>>2692895
They're, IMO, the marginalized beats.

If you have the cash/time you should pick up an anthology called "postmodern american poetry."
Both Padgett and Berrigan are in it, as well as Bukowski, John Cage, and a bunch of other "marginalized beat poets"

I stole it from a class on Irish Modernism(that pretty much turned into a modernism/p-modern class), and it changed my life. Seriously, it sounds lame but it is sooo dirty and crazy and sexy. well its postmodernism, its everything :)

[Anonymous No.2692917]

>>2692912
cool, I'll check them out.

[BillyB No.2692919]

>>2692917
Cool :)

[Anonymous No.2692923]

>>2692919
I didn't really like bukowski, though, only one of his poems gave me pause (girl in the miniskirt reading the bible outside my window).

[Autist !!kZEFQaMUdBz No.2692925]

>>2692911
Some of the things I disagree with on the basis that they had been elaborated previously in what I have, but I agree for the most part, thank you for your helpful input

>It's adequate but a bit indulgent
That's the Achilles' Heel of my writing, it dives too far into imagery and gets tangled, but I'm working on it, thanks again

[Anonymous No.2692934]

>>2690154
err..
>where a melancholy burn coats my throat.

where a melancholic burn coats my throat?

[BillyB No.2692937]

>>2692934
Drinking jack daniels out of the bottle because I hate everything.

But I did take that out in the second draft because it didn't work.

[Anonymous No.2692939]

>>2692937
grammar check that's all

[BillyB No.2692951]

>>2692939
Thanks

CAPTCHA; Society's domsty

I think society is domsty too, dear captcha.