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/lit/ - Literature

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2681441 No.2681441 [Reply] [Original]

So I've never really written anything but strictly academic work. I wrote this on a whim a while ago, and was wondering what people's reaction may be to it.

Showing it to my friends only receives compliments, and I doubt they have the heart to tell me if it's forced or flat out bad.

So, I come to /lit/ to see if I can get a feel of what you may think of it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L_2Xj0lkaHFXH-_2Oof9URWMOcdj21i6UmXUvqRs_-I/edit

>> No.2681446

Really, my friends make no bones about a) ignoring me when I ask them to read something b) telling me it sucks c) not giving constructive criticism.

They're not bad people. They're just not lit-savvy really.

>> No.2681470

First off, there is a major error in logic in that Annie asks about George when Sam comes to visit her in the hospital, even though Annie already knows somehow that George is dead.
Secondly, I think you overwrite a bit. Edit for redundancies, such as when you write that annie berates George (the quote is unncecessary, having said that). Third, I would cut a couple paragraphs off of the ending. I would end it with Sam stepping over the puddle to leave your reader something to mull over and to creep them out. About the smells in the story: cedar is not a subtle smell, so if there is only a hint of cedar reword the sentence to indicate that. Also death doesn't smell metallic, although blood does. Blood =/= death. Finally sometimes you use similes where you should be using metaphors. One example I can remember is the moon, pushing through the clouds. Use the verb push instead of relegating the gerund to a simile construction.

>> No.2681487

>>2681441
Thank you for taking the time to read it - I really appreciate it.

For the error of logic, I suppose I was trying to create the effect of her being in sort of a hazy state upon waking, and not accepting what had happened, but it seems to be a failing on my part.

>> No.2681508

>>2681487

I found it confusing, personally. And your welcome.

>> No.2681511

>>2681508

*you're <faceslap>

>> No.2681565

where does the story begin?
Is the "my psychologist..." paragraph part of the story or your personal note?

>> No.2681586

>>2681565
That's part of the story, sorry.

>> No.2681852

One bump incase anyone else would care to read over it.