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/lit/ - Literature

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2649084 No.2649084 [Reply] [Original]

Hey guys and gal,
So I wrote a story and I just realized one of our zines accepted it for publication a long-ass time ago.
In a shitty turn of events, I was taking care of my terminally ill father for the past long while and have not been online and so I missed all the like/dislike on my story.
Would you read it and let me know what you think.
It's http://theaprilreader.org/TAR.Issue.9.pdf
It's called "I must be dreaming".
I just want to get a feeling of what people think

>> No.2649087

sorry about your dad anon

>> No.2649089

>>2649087
inb4 edgy guy comes in and calls you a fag for being compassionate

>> No.2649097

>>2649087
appreciated. He kind of looks like the guy in the picture I posted, funny enough.

>> No.2649116

>>2649089
lol

>> No.2649176

Last time bumping this, lesee if I get a bite.

>> No.2649188

Hey there, I'm sorry about your dad as well. Hope you're holding up.

I'm no expert, but I read you're piece and had a few thoughts.

As far as I understood, its dream within a dream within a dream, right? The narrator is with Christopher, but is dreaming about being with his brother Sven, who is in turn having nightmares about the sinkhole? If that's right, it is interesting. But I think the reader needs more cues as to why these dream-layers are connected. Also, the jumps between layers (each man waking from their nightmare) needs to be pronounced a bit more. You can't let them bleed together, or the audience will miss the fact that the previous bit they read was a dream. You don't catch it until the narrative has obviously changed by a few lines later.

Last thing, the tone shifts drastically throughout (which I suppose is the point). You really capture the poor, working class Russian tone early on. Later, it sounds a lot more Americanized in tone (especially once you hit "Baby its Cold Outside"). If that's intentional, great. But again, it only works if the transitions between levels are abrupt. Jar your reader just as much as the men are jarred awaking from their dreams. Keep us with you.

Don't post here much, so all of that may be garbage. Just some thoughts.

>> No.2649334

I remember that submission. The editor who gave feedback initially suspected you'd withheld it as a means of avoiding rewriting. I found it kind of funny at the time

The issue 9 release thread is archived if you're interested in seeing some of the comments: http://fuuka.warosu.org/lit/thread/S2222902#p2225801

Man, we really need to revive TAR thread culture. Compared to some of the recent releases, this one is top notch.