[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 119 KB, 150x150, 1336817347948.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2635334 No.2635334 [Reply] [Original]

Heya, /lit/
It's my first time here, but it's late, I'm bored and /b/ sucks.

Would you guys mind "critiquing" this (very) short story I just wrote?

Frieda is a striking young woman, beautiful and smart (between 9 and 4, week days only), with a deadly sense of humour. Dark humour certainly was her cup of liquidized dead baby, and she was well versed in sexual innuendo. Adept at reeling in husbands from anime and various other media, her fan girl side was well nourished, at worst. But soon it would be tested. Soon it would be taken over.

It was surely destined that one day, the Italian super model Romano, with his sharp interest and keen intellect, would notice her. He gravitated towards her like a moon sucked into a sun. He made sure he too was noticed, for she made him feel nervous but better than ever, and he was sure she could feel the same.

>> No.2635336

>>2635334
cont.

He made his move, slowly at first, seducing her with his smooth tongue. He slipped into her conscience quietly, and they fell together, never quite feeling the need to get back up. They both wanted something the other had.

At some point in the chatting and the flirting and the various hints and side-glances, they ended up in bed. It was an important night. They stared for a long time into each other’s eyes, for words were useless now, mere knots in their throats, impossible to unravel. They could see each other wholly regardless of the darkness that enveloped the room, lighting each other up like bonfires.

As quick as it had kindled, it raged, and passionate kissing had begun, only to progress to the slow movements of skin on skin, touching and caressing, their breathing getting heavy, their heartbeats becoming fierce. Clothes came off patiently and blankets were sweetly pulled over the pair, covering them like the ocean covers the sand. The were enclosed in each other and held so tight it was like they would die if torn apart, as though their very souls had merged to become one. Nothing could stop them now, and before long their passionate lovemaking reached it’s zenith, Frieda’s cries muffled by Romano’s own lips.

>> No.2635339

Burn your Homer and your Dante, your Hemingway and your Dostoevsky, the Prince of Poets has emerged.

>> No.2635340

>>2635336
cont. last of it.

They lay together in each other’s arms, comfortable in the cool night with just one-another. They were both thinking the same thing, and they both fell asleep still thinking it, sharing their dreams as though sleep was but a distraction.

When they woke up, their eyes met again, and they smiled in unison, realising they were both still thinking the same thing.

This conclusion brought them happiness unknown to even the seraphs, and with one more kiss, each slowly faded into time.

The knight and the princess.
The gentleman and the lady.
The lovers.

-----

That's all of it.
What do you think?

>> No.2635341

>>2635334
Read and write some more for three years then get back to us. Also, the most basic "how to write" phrase that gets spouted around here is "show, don't tell". Maybe you should keep that in mind.

>> No.2635342

>>2635334
>Dark humour certainly was her cup of liquidized dead baby,
Could have been funny, but ruined by being far too wordy. I cringed.

Also, OP, what you're doing seems like a bit of an info dump. You're telling us that Frieda is X, Y, and Z and, I'll be honest, I don't care. You haven't properly introduced the world this story takes place in to us or why we should empathize with/care for Frieda.

>> No.2635343

OP again,
ignore the whole "instant fireworks between average girl and Italian super model" thing

This was a commission from a friend
(You guessed it) Frieda.

>> No.2635346

This is pretty fucking good OP, great job!

>> No.2635350

>>2635341
>>2635342

Alright, I'll keep these in mind for sure, thanks

>> No.2635352

>>2635346

Thanks anon! I'm glad you like it c:

Although I am well aware it's quite lacking as a few people have indeed already pointed out ;P

>> No.2635356

There's way too many metaphors and similes. You might want to avoid writing in the passive, especially when trying to evoke movement.

>> No.2635354

>>2635342
Actually, besides that, you did well. Your writing flowed, and your images were (somewhat) new, although not vivid. Not to mention your deliberate word choice.

Good job.

>> No.2635361

sounds like it's been poorly translated a couple times

>> No.2635373

>>2635354
Appreciate it c:

>>2635356
I see... I'll keep that in mind too :s

>>2635361
Can you point them out, anon?

>> No.2635383

I thought it was a joke at first. But there were one two sections I liked.

But this isn't a story. It's just a piece of descriptive writing and one that is overly cliche and metaphor ridden. It also goes without saying that it is too dense.

>> No.2635391

the language isn't bad but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense when reread the second time.

>> No.2635392

>>2635383
Yeah, it's way too short to really be called a story which does unfortunately mean it's basically a dense "piece of descriptive writing and one that is overly cliche and metaphor ridden"

At least it wasn't all bad

Which parts did you like?

>> No.2635399

>>2635391
I'm not sure what you mean?

>> No.2635414

>>2635399
Your plot is confused and the descriptions are trite. You have a solid vocabulary but you don't know hot to use it.

>> No.2635511

>>2635414
Ah, okay, thanks