/lit/ - Literature

[scuba cat No.2616313]

Hey /lit/, if its not too much to ask for, mind giving my story a quick read? I've written a few, but this is the first one i feel is good enough to share with others.

Please be blunt if you have any criticism, i want to improve my writing.

On a final note, I'm not trying to be deep or ask the question of "what defines man as man?", it just came out like this in my writing.

[Anonymous No.2616362]

>>Too hard to zoom in and read.
>>As well as copy paste bits to edit.

I'm only a 16 year old in AP english, but I can do my best here.

First bit only.

The flood lights cracked alive, swinging around the tent; shining onto the crowd. All at once, each shining light sought its way to the crowd's center. A being was revealed amid the beaming spectacle, a being like any other, or rather, unlike.


Something like that, it gives it more flow. At least, that's my 2 cents.

[Anonymous No.2616368]

Simpler sentence structure; this is outlandishly complicated considering how simplistic the language is throughout.
Your prose need work, this was a difficult to read, as stated above.

[Anonymous No.2616391]

>>2616368
Pretty much what this guy said. Story barely held my attention.

2/10

[Anonymous No.2616393]

>"My name is Jonas"
Are you fucking serious.

[Anonymous No.2616403]

I only read a few lines, and I can tell you: it needs a lot of work. The first two sentences just don't make sense.

"The flood lights cracked alive ... then is [sic] a unified motion each of their shining lights ..."

The lights come alive, then each of their shining lights? The lights have lights?

"He was like any other, or rather, unlike."

Then he wasn't like any other, was he? That just doesn't make any sense.

Stopped reading after that because I thought you're probably trolling.

[Anonymous No.2616454]

>>2616393
I'm carrying the wheel!

But seriously OP, this is terrible. However 99% of early writing is, so don't be too discouraged.

[Anonymous No.2616492]

well i thought everything before me was just /lit/'s usual reaction to the average-quality stuff that gets posted here but jesus this is truly awful, i got to this sentence

>A being was lit at this point, he was like any other, or rather, unlike.

and gave up on you. Let's talk about some things that are wrong with just this sentence. I tried to break it down piece by piece but there's honestly so much that I'm just going to have to throw it all at you at once.

What's the purpose of this sentence? Well, you've got two main ideas here: first, you're trying (and failing) to establish a setting, and second, you're trying (and again, failing) to provide characterization.

Setting: a "being" is being lit. Lit is ok. I know how to visualize an object being lit. But what the hell am I supposed to picture being lit? A "being"? "Being" implies something living, that's all. I tell you a being is in front of you. What is it? The president? A cat? You have no fucking clue.

Then we have this helpful phrase: "at this point." Really? Because I thought we were talking about two years from now. Of course it's at this point. You don't preface every sentence with the word "next," you don't remind the reader every time you use a verb that it's happening "currently." Unless you tell the reader otherwise, we assume it's happening in the present. Remove those three words from the sentence and the meaning is literally unchanged. Open up the nearest book and see if you can find a paragraph you can remove three words from and see the meaning unchanged. If it's a great writer, an entire page.

(cont'd...)

[Anonymous No.2616497]

>>2616492

Moving along we have this tragedy of Orwellian writing that makes me want to weep. "He was like any other, or rather, unlike." Are you fucking kidding me? I can't even believe I'm about to spell out what a steaming pile of shit that phrase is. Half your problem is using vague meaningless language. "The horse was brown, or rather, not brown." Does that sound good to you? Because it's precisely what you wrote but with different nouns and adjectives. Are you fucking retarded? GOD DAMN IT YOU HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BEING (SUPPOSEDLY) FLUENT IN THE GREATEST, MOST POWERFUL LANGUAGE IN THE HISTORY OF ALL MANKIND, IF YOU WANT TO PRETEND AT WRITING IN IT AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE MEANING OF EVEN HALF THE WORDS THAT LEAVE YOUR PEN BEFORE YOU GO ASKING OTHERS FOR CRITICISM.

[Anonymous No.2616499]

>>2616497

and you know what just to show I'm not entirely dismayed by the holocaust of the English language found in OP's post I'll even leave a link to where he can get started on fixing his writing

http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm

Of course the real first step will be TURNING ON YOUR GOD DAMN BRAIN but read that anyways since I'm not convinced you even have one.

[Anonymous No.2616500]

>>2616497
>fluent
>two food high platform

If this is the first thing you thought was good enough to share OP, I shudder to think of the 'bad' ones.

Please never write again.

[Anonymous No.2616524]

BRO, I'm 16 years old and in AP engish too <3 just read more, right more, persistence is key. I used to be a shit terrible writer, but as I kept practicing, I kept improving.

[Anonymous No.2616563]

>>2616524
obvious troll is obvious

[Anonymous No.2616573]

you also misspelled bizzare

[Anonymous No.2616584]

i literary cryed OP was beatifull ;_;

[Anonymous No.2616604]

>>2616313
>>2616584
samefag or troll

[Anonymous No.2616610]

>>2616368
>; this is outlandishly complicated considering how simplistic the language is throughout.

I disagree. There is nothing at all complicated about OP's story. It is simply very poorly written.

[Anonymous No.2616613]

>>2616604
What's with kids on this site who can't differentiate transparent sarcasm from trolling?

[Anonymous No.2616715]

>>2616613

the same dumbasses who don't know what sage means