[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 587 KB, 492x717, LandonRode.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
[ERROR] No.2524679 [Reply] [Original]

Hello /lit/.

I've been working on a novel for a while. There's only a prologue and the first chapter so far, but I could use feedback as I head into writing the rest.

Pic related, it's a cover I threw together.

Also, if you want feedback on anything you're working on, I'd be glad to do my best and give you a response in return.

>> No.2524690

Hello. I read the prologue, and I would suggest one thing. Make the thing flooooow. I like the story, the initial hook but it is very choppy. For example, there is a lot of: he does this, then this happens, then that. That kind of stuff.

>> No.2524731
File: 72 KB, 378x363, 2060390-i_like_it.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2524731

>> No.2524759 [DELETED] 

>>2524690
Yeah, I've got a problem with it. I realized it the other day after I read for the first time since writing and something clicked in my head and noticed the flow for the first time. I'm going to have to look at a few writers and pay attention to how they avoid jerky prose.
>>2524731
Thanks.

>> No.2524770

>>2524690
Yeah, I've got a problem with it. I realized it the other day after I read someone else for the first time since writing, and something clicked in my head and their use of flow stood out for the first time. I'm going to have to look at a few writers and pay attention to how they avoid jerky prose.
>>2524731
Thanks.

>> No.2524802

As a fellow aspiring author, I recognised the solution to your problem immediately, you fracture the story by not using enough commas. Instead of using a full stop, extend the sentence with a comma and you'll find it will flow a little better.

Compare the penultimate paragraph of your prologue (in which you used more commas) to the third paragraph and you'll see what I mean.

>> No.2524821 [DELETED] 

>>2524802
Yeah, I see what you mean. The comparison was helpful. I see a few places in the one with more commas where I could've just stopped it and added an arbitrary "He___" or "They're___" and set up a new sentence.

>> No.2524824

>>2524802
Yeah, I see what you mean. The comparison was helpful. I see a few places in the one with more commas where I could've just turned the comma into a period and added an arbitrary "He___" or "They're___" and set up a new sentence.

>> No.2524869

Avoiding jerky prose just because is dumb. Sometimes your subject matter will call for it.

>> No.2524885

>>2524869
Good point. Looking over, there are a few instances where I'd keep a terse sentence or section because I think the meaning would be lost without it. But I still feel there was too many instances of arbitrary repetition with the 'he said' and all that.

>> No.2524890

>>2524885
That was the OP speaking, by the way. I should probably start posting with a name. There we go.

>> No.2524892

Stopped after the first few sentences. Don't use present tense. Ever. Books should not read like screenplays.

>> No.2524906

I like you OP; you take criticism well, and show genuine willingness to improve. Unfortunately, I'm very drunk and, to be honest, can't really be bothered to read everything you've posted right now. If this thread is still alive tomorrow though, I will. Promise. I've bookmarked it and everything.

>> No.2524928

>>2524892
Not OP.

But why? I see in OP's example how it sounds kind of blocky, but I've read stories that sounded fine in present tense.

>> No.2524935

>>2524928
Published stories? I doubt you've read very many in present tense outside of Choose Your Own Adventure books.

You're supposed to be telling a story, what has already happened, not dictating what's happening as it's happening.
Authors don't do it because it sounds like a screenplay. There's no way around it.

OP, rewrite it in past tense. It'll sound much better.

>> No.2524941
File: 72 KB, 640x480, 1331882414750.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2524941

>>2524935
＞Published stories?

Fuck, you're right.

>> No.2524966 [DELETED] 

>>2524906
Wow, thanks. I'll try to keep it afloat. If it dies you could always email me, I attached mine. Or you could reply with tumblr. Sorry if that seems imposing, but I'm desperate for feedback.
>>2524928
>>2524935
>>2524941
Yeah, I'm still on the fence about the present tense. On one hand I'm really drawn to it, because of its function in the plot I've come up with. But if I'm going to keep it I need to see accomplished use of present tense and take note.
I'm definitely going to rewrite in past tense and see how it sounds.
I would like any opinions anyone else has about present tense in general, though. I still feel like it has its merits. Maybe it sounds more instructive then past tense (which is why it sounds like a screen play maybe. The director pretty much outlining what will happen to potential actors/investors/set designers/etc) but there's got to be ways around that.

>> No.2524968

>>2524906
Wow, thanks. I'll try to keep it afloat. If it dies you could always email me, I attached mine. Or you could reply with tumblr. Sorry if that seems imposing, but I'm desperate for feedback.
>>2524928
>>2524935
>>2524941
Yeah, I'm still on the fence about the present tense. On one hand I'm really drawn to it, because of its function in the plot I've come up with. But if I'm going to keep it I need to see accomplished use of present tense and take note.
I'm definitely going to rewrite in past tense and see how it sounds.
I would like any opinions anyone else has about present tense in general, though. I still feel like it has its merits. Maybe it sounds more instructive than past tense (Which is why it sounds like a screen play, maybe. The director pretty much outlining what will happen to potential actors/investors/set designers/etc.) but there's got to be ways around that.

>> No.2525007

>>2524935

I read one like yesterday. It was called The Hunger Games. And a while ago, like, the complete works of Neal Stephenson.

That said I do find present tense annoying most of the time. You have to know what you're doing.

>> No.2525010

>>2525007

Oh, also Gravity's Rainbow. I forget, does /lit/ love or hate Pynchon?

>> No.2525026

>>2525010
I think they're pretty split on that one.

>> No.2525115

>>2525007
And it's a movie now, so that seems to make a point. Although Neil Stephenson may be interesting.
>>2525010
OP is in favor. Though I didn't know Pynchon used present tense. And I've only read Entropy, which made me really interested in the concept (along with other things that have used that subject), and it shows up in what I've written so far.

>> No.2525135

>>2525115

Hunger Games catches a lot of shit on this board, but it's the premise that's bad (and also it's popular, so, you know, myeh.) The writing is fine -- rough in a couple places, but mostly competent. They're OK books.

That's neither here nor there, though. I'll give your story a read tomorrow and post or email you.

>> No.2525140

Though here's my quick and practical criticism, having read absolutely nothing at all: when I see the words "a novel" on the cover of a novel, it makes me not want to read it. Kind of pompous. YMMV.

>> No.2525235

>>2525140
I wasn't snarking the books, I haven't read them. Just that they made a movie transition, so the whole present tense = screenplay thing is made more valid. But I guess that's more to do with popularity. And thanks.
>>2525135
I was aware someone might give me shit for that as I put it in anyway. If I just put "Landon Rode" and then my name, it comes across awkward. Landon Rode by me, as in he moved past me? Plus I didn't want to attribute the cover image, something in my head felt that "A novel by" made it more clear my work is the words. I wasn't trying to be pompous.

>> No.2525281

Not too bad. I agree with the other posters in that it should be past tense. I don't usually like present tense because it reminds me of YA.

>> No.2525325

>>2525281
YA uses present tense? Do you have any examples? I'm curious if they use it in a certain way.

>> No.2525413 [DELETED] 

.

>> No.2525428

>>2524935

Infinite Jest.

>> No.2525551 [DELETED] 

>>2525428
Is it? I haven't gotten far enough. But it has to be a section, or at least not all of it.
Speaking of that, I have varying tenses between sections. Would it be less objectionable, to those who dislike the present tense, if an isolated section switched tenses?

>> No.2525574

>>2525428
Is it? I haven't gotten far enough. But it has to be a section, or at least not all of it, since it's been past tense so far.
Would it be less objectionable, to those who dislike the present tense in my story, if everything was past tense and later on an isolated section was in present tense?

>> No.2525604

WTF is all this present tense dissing? it is a perfectly viable story telling medium and isn't THAT much less used than past tense

WTF

>> No.2525615

>>2525604
Isn't it more used in short stories, though? The number of present tense novels seems small, so I think the problem is that it's hard to sustain it in length.

At this point I definitely don't have the knowledge or talent to pull off continuing in present tense, unless I do research and study and weigh alternatives.

>> No.2525616

>>2525615

many novels use it but rarely for the entire book (or so i have garnered). it's a matter of understanding when it's appropriate and will assist you in conveying whatever you're trying to

>> No.2525629

>>2525616
Makes sense. I do feel its appropriate for what I'm trying to convey, but that would mean about 70% of the book is present tense instead of small sections.
I'm thinking that present tense may have as many advantages as pitfalls, from reading about other's experiments in using it. Maybe the case is that, like past tense, effective writing is utilizing what you can. Maybe it's just less done because it's less exposed?
Or it could really just be a less efficient method of storytelling and so its disuse is logical.

>> No.2526702

.

>> No.2526981

I'll read later when I get a chance, but I just wanted to let you know that the typography of your cover sucks (I like the art, though).

>> No.2526983

>>2526981
Ah, okay. I'll try different fonts. I like Rockwell but it doesn't match the art as well as it could. Or do you mean the placement?

>> No.2526995

>>2526983

Placement of the "A novel by X" just looks bad and the title could be moved up a little bit to feel more 'centered' in the space not occupied by the boy's head, and I would probably use a different font but Rockwell isn't a bad choice.

>> No.2527000

>>2526995
Ah ok. Thanks for the feedback.

>> No.2527405

>>2527000
.

>> No.2527423

hey u guys , so i was wonderin how in the fuk do u wite book

>> No.2527497

Take the tense criticism with a pinch of salt. Personally, I love the use of present tense. All books can't be written in past tense - I embrace your creativity OP. Make sure to mix it up now and again though, so the style doesn't go stale half way through.

I too am somewhat of an aspiring writer, and will enjoy following your progress. Keep up the good work!

>> No.2528617

>>2527423
Pray.
>>2527497
Thanks. I do have sections of past tense in Chapter 1 to keep things fresh.

>> No.2528821

>>2528617

>> No.2528937

Bump.
Captcha: Publishe Comet

>> No.2529490

>>2524679
bump

>> No.2530371

>>2528617
.

>> No.2530645

Too many short, declarative sentences beginning with names and pronouns. (The present tense is fine, really). The writing is competent, but not engaging.

I read up to "7" in chapter 1, and I'm pretty bored, OP, to be honest. The writing is contributing to that, but mainly I feel as though it's just a bunch of meandering surreal scenes that just aren't particularly grabbing. I just feel like I don't have a stake in any of the goings on. Don't care about Landon.

Less is more, OP, and I'm seriously questioning the absolute relevance of all these scenes and images here..

I read your "about" and see you like Murakami, Lynch, etc. That's pretty evident from all of this, and you're probably a little too besotted by your influences.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to always have your characters come first. Never make your characters crash test dummies to some plot you've cooked up. Have your characters take you places. Good characters make stories. It seems to me like you basically went from the outset "I'm going to create this surreal world, so here's some guy I'll throw into it."

>> No.2531460

>>2530645
.

>> No.2532279

>>2530645
.

>> No.2532413

I gotta agree with most of the trending here, and I would recommend going with past tense over present. Maybe if you're a crazy overthinking writer you can try it in the past voice and see if it makes a difference (honestly I find it distracting in novels at least initially), but if you're really committed to it then even the most critical readers will get used to the tense twenty pages in, guaranteed. Other than that, it's hard to evaluate. No one can tell if it's going anywhere magnificent by one chapter and a prologue.

If I was a dick about it, id say turn the prologue into chapter one if it's the same narrative. id say what the fuck is going on, who is em, why is he smoking, or how can he feel a "warm tongue" while doing so. if this is a dream, make the guy confused for our sake, if this is normal, tell us it's normal. We're immersing yourself in your tub of shit, you better tell us what it smells like

other than that keep at her! very brave of you to 4chan this

>> No.2532820

I like the present tense, OP. I think you should keep it.
>Too many short, declarative sentences beginning with names and pronouns.
^What I thought of chapter one.
Also, I don't know if reading it on tumblr makes it seem longer, but the first chapter seems fairly long to me. Maybe cut some bits, or move them around?

>> No.2532828

>>2530645
>Too many short, declarative sentences beginning with names and pronouns.
Yeah, seems to be the general consensus.
The images do have meaning, but I think you're right about the influences and over-focus on constructing plot and imagery. I do think the plot I've mapped out can't be removed from the character, but I haven't put as much attention into that character. More like I figured the things surrounding him would characterize him for me.
>>2532413
Following from the previous anon, this makes me realize I did the bare minimum in characterizing Landon and situating the audience. And thanks, I'm glad I did, there's a bunch of things you guys helped me with that biased friends couldn't have.
>>2532820
It could just be that the prologue was short in comparison, and like another anon pointed out, I may be able to use the prologue as better audience immersion. Although looking back at chapter one now, I'll probably see tons of stuff to cut.

>> No.2534734 [DELETED] 

>>2532828