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/lit/ - Literature

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File: 11 KB, 228x221, poem.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2518593 No.2518593 [Reply] [Original]

Alright /lit/ I'm an English major looking for someone to read a poem honestly -- be here for q's and crits. Lots of references to big sean's High so if you want to get it all look up the lyrics. I'm pretty happy with it so far but I want to make it the best it can be so please, critique away.
It's a pantoum, though I've left it imperfect. Modifying the lines this way made the structure fit with the lyrical underpinnings. This will probably be turned in at my small conservative university and unless I pull it off perfectly I'll probably be dragged out of the classroom for the amount of marijuana references.
It's time to go
--Thanks Big Sean & Wiz

Right now I know where my heart will stay
so I don’t give a fuck what you’re telling me
I held her here, right next to me
but then I went and blew it all away

I didn’t give a fuck what she was telling me,
just on my bed, we spent all day
but then I blew it all away
I’d desired her, but she wanted me.

Now on my bed, I spend all day
I’m up in the clouds, keep a girl to please
I fuck her, keep her far from me
only wish that I’d figured another way

We’d been up in the clouds, she was for me
But when we blew, I blew it away
Now I wish that I could find a way.
take a drink and stop fucking telling me.

>> No.2518601

That picture is too funny.

>> No.2518610

>>2518601
I know. Plus it's evocative enough to get you in the thread.

>> No.2518635

I'm sorry But I can't see any merit in this at all.

>> No.2518636

>>2518635
Why's that? Do you not think it's about anything?

>> No.2518637

>>2518610
you failed one of the main rules of 4chan.

picture can't be more interesting than the OP

>> No.2518642

>>2518637
sigh

>> No.2518643
File: 138 KB, 747x500, wizseancurr.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2518643

>> No.2518911

Uh

What? Are you writing a rap song, or poetry?

>> No.2519143

did fucking jay-z write this? stop throwing f-bombs all over the place. sure, they add emphasis, but you just sound mad as fuck and unable to formulate actual poetic language. if thats the effect you want, so an erudite can say your tone is maddening and irate, go ahead. but i would burn your shit so quick.

>constructive crit: stop throwing f-bombs & make the drugs references milder/more obscure

>> No.2519527

>>2518911
the only difference is the way you look at it.

>> No.2519834
File: 78 KB, 605x496, 1325124597091.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2519834

>> No.2519860

>rhyming poetry
>swearing in your poetry

>> No.2520016

>>2519860
oh no a traditional form and a rhyme.

fuck you hipster actually say something. Poet laureates of the US have continued to use rhyme despite crackpot ideas like yours that there's no point in remembering half of what language is about.

>> No.2520036

>>2519143
I'll take the Jay-Z drop as a complement. If I dropped the overt drug references then you won't feel that it was a part of the relationship, just something that happened during it. The cursing I can't cut because half of it is quoting and the other half is about having sex with a girl without caring about her and the other is dropped at the end, a cry of how much it frustrates. Don't like the Big Sean quotes? The whole poem is entwined with the song how should I go about cutting the musical soundtrack to the smoke and the sex?