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/lit/ - Literature

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2501330 No.2501330 [Reply] [Original]

Hey guys, first time visiting this board and it looks nice enough, i'm in a writers craft class at school and were in the poetry unit (my least favorite unit) and i was wondering if you guys would help me if i posted the poem i'm working on right now?

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>> No.2501354

maybe. post it.

>> No.2501355

protip everyone's gonna fuckin hate it

>> No.2501356

>>2501355

This.

Post it anyway, I feel like being a cunt to a total stranger.

>> No.2501357

>>2501355
protip II, /lit/ hates all poetry in general

poetry != literature

>> No.2501358

Depends on the period..but I will try to assist you

>> No.2501367

>>2501354
im shit at poetry and made this in like 15 minutes, its very rough

People always say live in the moment,
dont leave it or lose it,
So why is it when i follow that path
im left broken and worried?

To live in the moment
is to ignore your past and future,
when you value the present,
more than you value your goals
you adopt some less than positive habits.

Putting things off to enjoy the instant,
leads to excuses and a lack of dedication.
You loose trust and time,
and feel battered and broken,
Trust me i know, im definitely guilty.

Ignoring whats inportant
and taking shortcuts
keeps me up at night, thinking and wondering,
what would my life be like i wasnt so ________

the last word escapes me, i want to say stupid but i dont think it fits, the whole premise of the poem is about how much i procrastinate to enjoy things i like more, which people have said sounds like living in the moment and doing what makes me happy, so yea, i know my grammar is bad and stuff, but its very rough

>> No.2501368

and i thought this was the most appropriate board for help, is there a board that could offer more help?

>> No.2501369

>>2501367
It looks like you made it in 15 minutes.

>> No.2501371

>made this in like 15 minutes

Really? You'd never fucking guess.

>the last word escapes me

"Talentless" will fit nicely, I think.

>> No.2501372

>>2501367
The word "thine" is used properly only once in your OP image. Therefore you get no criticism from me, constructive or otherwise. This board is for people who understand Elizabethan English ONLY.

>> No.2501374

>>2501357

What? This isn't true at all ... /lit/ hates OC poetry, but gargles Yeats's balls ...

>> No.2501375

Serious question:

Have you actually read any poetry?

>> No.2501390

People always say live in the moment,
[ The word "always" does not need to be here, plus maybe you might want to specify what people, just a maybe for that last part]
dont leave it or lose it,
So why is it when i follow that path
[ Again the "why is it" is a bit excessive ]
im left broken and worried?
[ A bit cliché here ]

To live in the moment
[ Cliché common phrase ]
is to ignore your past and future,
when you value the present,
more than you value your goals
[ Repetition with the word "value" ]
you adopt some less than positive habits.
[ Sounds like it could be worded better ]

Putting things off to enjoy the instant,
[ The putting things off sounds..too ambiguous and simple ]
leads to excuses and a lack of dedication.
You loose trust and time,
[ "loose" -> Lose ]
and feel battered and broken,
[ Alliteration is good but the words here are...too cliché and are used too much ]
Trust me i know, im definitely guilty.

Ignoring whats inportant
[ "Important" ]
and taking shortcuts
keeps me up at night, thinking and wondering,
what would my life be like i wasnt so ________


In general who are you addressing? You speak about yourself then you end up talking to someone giving them advice. A part from that I would use different adjectives/adverbs/whatever in a few places

>> No.2501394

>>2501367

This lacks any coherent meter. You should fix that.

>> No.2501401

Yet another poem that contains no poetic devices...

>> No.2501404

>>2501390
thanks for actually trying to help and not being a douche, ill definitely make a lot of changes

>> No.2501410

You can't just write a poem, you have to construct it. This means you have to know what tools to use. Usually this means reading a lot of poetry, but even just being aware of basic metre and structure helps.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

>> No.2501412

>>2501410
thanks again, see this is why i asked

>> No.2501418

>>2501367

10
6
10
7

6
9
7
7
11

10
12
5
7
11

7
5
11
11+

>> No.2501425

People are going to say a lot of things about rhyme and meter in this thread, but let me give you the most useful advice you will ever hear for a first-time, completely inexperienced poet.

Do not
DO NOT
Write your poem in the first person.
If you can't express your idea while describing something other than yourself, the basic idea you are trying to express is probably insipid.

>> No.2501426

http://www.ehow.com/info_10052025_concrete-imagery-poetry.html

>> No.2501432

>>2501426
>>2501425
thanks to you guys too, im getting more help then i thought i would after those first couple of posts

>> No.2501436

>>2501432

/lit/ can be cool, but you have to remember that you're still on 4chan ...

>> No.2501438

>>2501436
fair enough

>> No.2501449

DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS PERSON:

>>2501425

HE IS A RETROGRADE.

HE PROBABLY ALSO THINKS THAT "FREE VERSE" IS NOT "POETRY".

>> No.2501451

One thing I learnt is that the reader does not care what you think. If you are writing about something then write about how it inspires you. For example if we were going to write about America. You would write about why you like America, what makes America special to you.

However things to avoid:
- Do not ever ever ever tell the reader how to feel
- Avoid being too broad sometimes
- Avoid clichés and cliché words such as "forever" and "eternal". The words can be used but you have to really work for them to be used in the poem
- Show do not tell. This one is simple, instead of telling your audience about something show them instead with imagery or so.

>> No.2501460

>>2501367
Since you're not experienced don't get too philosophical because it spotlights the immaturity of your writing. Start off by describing a scene and the emotion it brings you, telling a simple story.

I don't write poetry, but I think the reason you're struggling is because you don't read or appreciate it. I took a few classes on it and it gave me a pretty solid appreciation for it.

Grade 2/10
Review: Sounds like Hannah Montana lyrics that don't have a rhyme scheme. Maybe that you chunked a fourteen year old girl's Facebook status into stanzas and called it a poem. There are grammar mistakes and improper use of words.

I'm ripping you apart because you need to know that this isn't poetry. You have potential with insight and at least having the motivation to put down 15 lines.

More imagery, simpler concept to write about, allusions, personification would be nice and if you're going to do an insightful story then have some resolution. Start off pessimistic, realistic, complacent, optimistic, idealistic and climb or descend.

>> No.2501466

>>2501418

This was my first though too ...

>> No.2501473

Write something different. This faux-sincere semi-philosophical bullshit just won't fly, Wilbur.

Write a poem about onions. Everyone knows onions. In fact, everyone write a poem about onions.

>> No.2501476

>>2501451
Thank you, much appreciated

>>2501460
i dont mind at all, your criticism was constructive and very helpful, im already working on a new poem with all the info ive been given and i feel that it will be much better

>> No.2501490

>>2501473
i like onions, maybe i will ditch the philosophical shit, maybe i will write about onions

>> No.2501502

>>2501367
The final word you are looking for is "lazy."

>> No.2501529

>>2501490
You could do both!
For example. Onions have layers.

Ogres also have layers!
Cakes have layers, but are unlike ogres.
Thus, Ogres are like onions in more ways than that they have layers. Perhaps they make people cry. Or perhaps they are not particularly pleasant to look at. Perhaps it is all of these things.
In laying out this examination, we have established something called a "metaphor". I'm told poets use it all the time. Perhaps you should consider it?

>> No.2501532

>>2501529
thanks for the funny shrek reference teaching me a poetic lesson