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/lit/ - Literature

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2495692 No.2495692 [Reply] [Original]

The sun was high over the low, khaki colored plains of southern Nevada. It's harsh, yellow light seemed to rip through the atmosphere and bake the barren land below. The thermometer read 108 degrees.
The old, leathery skin didn't even notice.
The foul odor of petroleum oil seemed to perpetually hang in the dense, humid air. The stench was so thick that it often drove the weary travelers, those desperate enough to stop here for fuel, to cover their mouths with rags or loose clothing as they pumped the precious, overpriced liquid into their dust covered vehicles.
The old, whiskery nose didn't smell a thing.
The wooden arcs creaked in rhythm with his slow movements. The small, orange flame of his long cigarette raced ever closer with each drawn out pull.


I know it's not great but does it get the point across? does it give you a picture?

>Post paragraphs for critique
non-fiction
fiction
it's all welcome

>> No.2495699

Constructive criticism only please. I don't want to hear why I'm a bad writer, I want to know where I can improve. I imagine everyone else who posts will feel the same.

Also, bump

>> No.2495707

>>2495699
Edit: *I don't want to hear 'that' I'm a bad writer*
I want to hear why

>> No.2495708

too many double adjectives

>> No.2495713 [DELETED] 

>>2495692
It gives me the sense that the main character is a bit of an idiot for setting his cigarette ON FIRE (not just letting it smolder) near a stenchy, ill-maintained gas station.

If that's the point, then it's all good.

>> No.2495715

>>2495708
The sun was high over the low, khaki colored plains of southern Nevada. It's harsh light seemed to rip through the atmosphere and bake the barren land below. The thermometer read 108 degrees.
The old, leathery skin didn't even notice.
The foul odor of petroleum oil seemed to perpetually hang in the humid air. The stench was so thick that it often drove the weary travelers, those desperate enough to stop here for fuel, to cover their mouths with rags or loose clothing as they pumped the precious, overpriced liquid into their dust covered vehicles.
The old, whiskery nose didn't smell a thing.
The wooden arcs creaked in rhythm with his slow movements. The orange flame of his long cigarette raced ever closer with each drawn out pull.


Is that smoother?

>> No.2495721

Stop beginning every sentence with The. Stop muting your own voice in place of what you think a narrator is supposed to sound like. Stop worrying about painting a complete picture, paint just enough and allow the reader to connect the dots.

>> No.2495722

>>2495715

instead of using "orange flame" why don't you just say "cherry?"

orange flame is, like, redundant bro.

>> No.2495723

cigarettes generally don't have flames. They just have embers.

>> No.2495725

>>2495708
agreed

Also, the way you describe the person through features (skin, nose) makes it seem disconnected, as if the main character is not so alive. Also, I don't exactly picture cigarette flames "racing" with "drawn out pulls", this seems to be contrasting imagery.

Overall though, not bad.

>> No.2495726

>>2495715
I don't like the amount of "the"s you're using, but I guess that's intentional.

>> No.2495727

>>2495713
How about "smokey edge" instead of orange flame?

>> No.2495729

>>2495725


I've literally never smoked a cigarette in my life haha. I don't have any idea what I'm talking about on that, help is greatly appreciated. I did want him to seem a little disconnected though, almost like he wasn't a part of the outside world.

>> No.2495731

Skin doesn't notice things. So perhaps,
"The old, leathery skin didn't feel a thing."
And
In additon to the previous suggestions, I think you can omit the "drawn out" and just say
The cherry embers of his long cigarette raced ever closer with each pull.
Closer to what? His whiskers?

>> No.2495737

>>2495731
Thanks for that sentence. I think I'll use it if you don't mind, at least for the first draft. I like it better than my own.

I did want to personify the skin though, I don't know if that's stupid or not. I just don't want him to feel altogether human.

>> No.2495742

I wrote a sort of flash fiction/dialogue. Thoughts?

http://pastebin.com/CjTKbJzT

>> No.2495743

>>2495737
Go for it dude. Keep on editing.

>> No.2495756

>>2495742
I liked it. I'm not a great judge but I always find it more enjoyable to read conversations written in accents. I'm sure there's a better way to put that. I'm just saying you got a scot and an englishman, it might be a little more fun if you gave them sterotypical accents.

>> No.2495767
File: 85 KB, 400x300, lizard..jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2495767

A lizard lay on the ground contemplating the meaninglessness of its existence. Mutated by radioactive waste, he flexed one of his human hands, considering his new-found ability to masturbate. His eyes turned to the patch of dry semen which coated the ground to his left, a leftover expulsion from his earlier mental meanderings into the vaginal folds of other mutated lizards. His hand slowly slithered down his stomach and he flicked his tongue in anticipatory satisfaction, relishing the dry heat which strengthened his erection.

>> No.2495773

>>2495756
Sounds like sensible advice. Thanks for the help.

>> No.2495784

>>2495692

the the the the the the the the the the the the

>> No.2495787

>>2495692

...

its

>> No.2495789

>>2495767
I'm going to need a more detailed explination of what exactly this lizard is thinking of when he masturbates

I don't know, that's just me

>> No.2495793

>>2495787
IT'S a habit I picked up from months of texting my grammar nazi x. Thanks for pointing it out though, probably wouldn't have noticed

>> No.2495810

>>2495793
Please stop using the term "nazi" as a synonym for tyranny.

Nazi germany was a free country, more free than we are today.

>> No.2495817

>>2495810
It's a common expression, I don't think anyone actually deduces their opinion of Nazis from it.

Can't tell if troll

>> No.2495822

Embers hit the ground rhythmically with a staccato and the only light in existence at this moment is the end of his cigarette. Who is he you say? Well, I’ll be damned if I know because even he doesn’t know. A great way to start off the story would be with something that he does know. What does Charles know? The inhaling of carcinogens became a habit during High School when the blacktop was boiling under the pressure of the molten Arizona sun. In fact, Charlie always quips that he never picked the puddle of himself up off the ground of that High School. That he was still there, planted like a demon seed in the firmament ready to blossom into something frightening. With a nimble tap at the end of the cigarette, he was off to his apartment at the center of Phoenix which smelled oddly of rat poison. One step on the first flight of stairs would confirm the smell of rat poison and introduce the theory that the same rat also soiled itself before it was off to rat purgatory to absolve his sins.

>> No.2495825

>>2495817
The expression is wrong. So you shouldn't use it unless you like to appear uneducated and ignorant.

>> No.2495827

He could feel the weight of the punch connecting like a hammer to a nail. Darkness. His eyes fluttered back open. "How long has it been, 5 minutes, 30 seconds, an hour"? Check the watch. A mechanical response. But of course it was gone. Standing up dusting himself off he walks down the neon lit streets towards "home". A safe place. this is the first time its rained in awhile, normally it would feel refreshing but tonight it just feels smothering. He'll get out of this place one day, but one day feels like an eternity from now. Standing in front of his building he hesitates to go in. Up one flight, then two, then three. The lock puts up a fight like it always does. He's "home" now.

I think I used he way too many times.

>> No.2495845

>>2495822
I like all the information, and even the order you give it, but it was a bit cumbersome to read

at least for me

>> No.2495851

>>2495827
I didn't notice how many times you used "he" until you mentioned it, it kind of flowed. Seemed okay to me. The only thing I'd like is a bit more imagery. What did the buildings he passed look like? what about the people? How long is the walk? Did the rain leave a smell in the air? How did it feel as it dripped down his body?

Just some suggestions, but I'm certainly not one worthy of giving them

>> No.2495853

>>2495851

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking that myself. This is one of like three things I've ever written.

>> No.2495857

Protip to the OP: Take any criticism of your writing on /lit/ with a grain of salt. I like your writing, and the replies to this thread make me worry that you'll have your writing deconstructed to the point of ruin.

Just develop your writing without any outside influence for a while, if you haven't already.

>> No.2495866

>>2495857
Thanks. You are literally the first person since my high school grammar teacher to say they like my writing. I feel a tingle of hope I never expected from 4chan

>> No.2495964

STOP THINKING THIS IS SPAM, ROBOTS. That's insulting ;___;

In the light of a million dead stars, it seems impolite to laugh.
So you waited until day, but then remembered
That the sun is just a star, and it is dying too,
And again, your laughter blushes and recedes
So you waited until full moon, but then remember,
That it too is a temporary light, victim of gravity's charms,
And it longs to be free. Again, your laughter is shamed.
And so you waited until clouds rolled above you
And you sat in the perfect dark, ready to laugh.
You wait, you wait. But nothing comes.
Alone, separated from the lights of the world,
There is nothing to laugh about.

First time trying poetry! It's lulzzyy

>> No.2495974

>>2495827
This moved too fast for me. I get that that's the point, but it didn't feel right. Maybe it would help seeing the backstory and such. Also, the dialogue was weird since the rest is so in his head. It seems out of place.

>> No.2495987

>>2495692
You should smoke more. The verb "race" is a little energetic.

>> No.2495997

>>2495974
Thanks for the critique. There is no backstory (yet) that's the beginning.

>> No.2496024

>>2495987
What's a better way to express that he's a really fast smoker?

>> No.2496073
File: 53 KB, 333x429, 20060112104626997.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2496073

The sun was high over the low-cut, khaki pants of Nevada-man. It's harsh, yellow light seemed to rip through his pants and bake the barren land inside. The thermometer read 108 degrees.
The old, leathery penis didn't even notice.
The foul odor of old cum seemed to perpetually hang in the dense, humid air. The stench was so thick that it drove the weary travelers, desperate enough to stop for nourishment, to cover their mouths with rags or loose clothing as they pumped the precious, overpriced liquid into their empty stomachs.
The old, whiskery testicles didn't feel a thing.
The wooden arcs creaked in rhythm with their slow movements. The thick, white flame of his erupting semen raced ever closer with each drawn out pull.

>> No.2496096

>>2496024
Go try smoking a cigarette really quickly and find out! :D

>> No.2496117

This is a continuation of the OC, not direct continuation but only a few paragraphs after what I have. Does it evoke any emotion? I want the reader to feel with him. Also I removed the "the" thing from the opening paragraph and used it here. I thought it was more effective and I did't want to overuse it
His old, weary mind wandered
His vision filled with dreary blue wallpaper and white tile floor. Young women in white coats shuffling in and out, moving that, cleaning this. Middle age, dignified men with full heads of shiny black hair masking their dismal expression with cheery words and hopeful diagnoses. The wrinkled face of love, long turned complacent, staring back at him before receding forever into memory. The baby faced young man who told him he had to let go, they had to take her. The way he could stretch his leg that night. The feeling of a cold pillow in the dead of night. The funeral and the cheap casket.

>> No.2496124

>>2496117
shouldn't have used "night" twice, just picked up on that. I'll change it. Disregard