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/lit/ - Literature

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2467131 No.2467131 [Reply] [Original]

ITT: post your sonnets and critique them

I had a pint with Jim the day he died
we walked to Monty's and I got the round.
An April frost had blasted all outside,
and frail, spent cherry-blossom dewed the ground.
We never said no deep nor maudlin things.
I eulogized the Rover's losing year.
He pondered on the vanity of kings,
and offered to provide another beer.
"No one's enough; just one and done." I said.
He smiled and slapped the shoulder of my coat:
"The hand that mocked'em and the heart that fed,
saves tuppence then, to pay the ferryboat."
Since then I've never troubled to decide
to call it fate, or name it suicide.

>> No.2467144
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2467144

THE ONLY PERSONS WHO READ "SONNETS" "THESE DAYS" ARE PERSONS WHO WRITE "SONNETS".

>> No.2467150

>>2467144

Everybody likes sonnets. That's crazy talk!

>> No.2467153

>>2467144

also, why is "sonnets" in quotes?

>> No.2467156
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2467156

Not exactly sonnet poetry, but to hell with metrics, I Shall post my poetry/playwrighting blog.
Most of it in alexandrin and free rhyme.
Feel free to critique.

http://thedesertshepherdwoman.blogspot.com/

>> No.2467170
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2467170

>>2467156
Here's an extract to open your thirsty mind

The djinn :

If that is your choice,
know that you have no voice,
for I am now your master,
and to tease your disaster,
I would rather honor your pride,
with a teaching side.
For I have possession over space and time,
and I will not wait for such a lovely crime,
My spell flows into your body,
and empowers me to transform it freely.
You refused my delicacies to the joy of the wander,
let it be your destiny to search for a lover,
whose mouthful of water will release you from the sand,
until the immobile statue of your soul will understand,
that the taste of a tear is a sea to the heart,
of the forsaken soul of a djinn in the desert.

>> No.2467183

>>2467131
This isn't exactly a sonnet, but alright. And what's with the double negative in this line: We never said no deep nor maudlin things.

The rest of the poem is grammatically correct, so it can't be the fault of the narrator's accent.

So I ASK YOU AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER: WHY IS THERE A DOUBLE NEGATIVE IN THAT FUCKING SENTENCE!?

>> No.2467225

>>2467183

mea culpa;
I was cheating the grammar for the sake of the scansion.

could have said "we avoided deep and maudlin things" but it didn't seem right at the time