"Secrets"

[Judge No.2442089]

I love writing lyrics/poetry, and I'd love to sell my lyrics or even perform myself, but as of now the only people who have ever seen my writing are a few friends and family. I'd really like to get some input on my writing, and I appreciate all constructive criticism. Family tend to compliment upon inclination, so i'd really like some honest unbiased input on my lyricism.

It's almost subliminal. The way we form into our criminal. An inner potential. It's inconsequential really, the way it's so simple really. Bowing down at the temple kneeling. We all congregate. Small in fate, we stall and wait. We fall for fate, it's our calling date. Can't tell if I'm drawing straight. In your ears it'll conjugate. Changing the ways you assimilate. A single thought I eliminate. Insinuation, inception in creation. I change the situation in your mind, a whole civilization starts to bind. Your whole sense of realization will unwind. You see I'm one of a kind, and so are you, yeah that fine. Because all these crowns yeah bet their mine. But see were I cross the line, is flaw of design. It's so benign, a simple crime, you pierce the spine. Shivers will shine, It delivers a sign, a bright light in your pine. You're the victim of your own crime.

[Anonymous No.2442091]

Your rhymes are very predictable, dawg.

[None !phi.HcTbyc No.2442093]

rambling, sounds like you were high writing it.

[Anonymous No.2442099]

>>2442089
Too many notes.

[Anonymous No.2442105]

Write a poem with the most basic, simplistic words you can think of. Try to set a mood. Try to show us something. Show us a church and describe what happens. Get your message out subtlety and try to have a pattern. Simple poems. That's where you should start. Then add a little and so on.

[Anonymous No.2442112]

this is the archetype slam poem that is not about anything but rhymes almost perfectly and cannot be read without sounding like rap
why.
thats why this kind of slam shit is so easy to remember
try remembering some lines of an Arthur Miller Play or an entire Frank Ohara poem

[Anonymous No.2442121]

>>2442112
and plus you stay on the same rhyme too long.
didnt Lord Byron teach you anything? at least go A B A C or something
MY GOD
write about your life, man, not about how you
"change the situation in my mind"
which makes
"the whole situation start to bind"
CHEW TALKING ABOUT?????

[Anonymous No.2442130]

>>2442099
yee. way too busy, let it breath. silence helps create sound.

[Judge No.2442132]

I understand why it seems to be about nothing unless you understand the concept I'm depicting in this.
It's about how Satan and other fallen angels fool us into a puppet string sort of existence, and the ways they trick people looking to do right, and grow spiritually without God. Hence the very end with the light in the pine, referring to the experience people have when they open their "third eye" or, pineal gland. Which is the pine reference. The rest is talking about simple ways like how the weak minded are affected by suggestive thinking, controlling their perspectives thus controlling them. This all translated via the way I think. Just a simple concept filtered through my mind.

[Judge No.2442144]

Course I didn't really consider the fact that though the connections I'm making make sense to me, but anyone else reading would be totally lost:o ill consider that from now on.

[Anonymous No.2442148]

>>2442132
We understand what it's about. It just sucks.

[Anonymous No.2442159]

>>2442132
i like that you have some thought behind it.
having explanations for questions about your poem is the sign of a thoughtful reader.
Angels and Satan???
this topic has been so damn done, myfriend.
sin, it is such a statue in the park
and no one goes to the fucking park anymore unless they have a dog and their dog needs to shit and you are a single guy and you wanna meet girls walking their dogs and think your being sneaky about it but in all honesty you don't give a shit about all the mini dogs and really just want a beautiful girlfriend.

what I'm saying is: we all want a beautiful girlfriend but we don't all walk a dog in the obvious park near all the shit-as-fertilizer-greened-grass

AKA GET LESS GENERAL
GET REAL LIFE IN THERE.
AHHH CAPS LOCK

[Judge No.2442186]

Well, yes it is an old subject, but it's hardly over with. If anything it is becoming more apart of our lives. People just don't notice. The rampant blindness is growing, and is definitely in the now. I understand the majority of people could give two shits less about these things, but I do, and im not going to write about getting bitches, and making money to appeal to the masses. Most people would never realise Muse was talking about demons and the downfall of the world if they didn't pay attention. Which most people don't. My intention is to appeal to those who do, and hopefully enlighten those who don't, though that is extremely unlikely.

[Anonymous No.2442194]

>>2442186
you have very good, genuine, heart felt love right there.
you probably live a life where you act by some kinda these morals too
get that LIFE into your poem more
not just specifics of general people and rap music yeahyehyeheyeheyeh we know, man, lil john and the east syde boyz don't play the heart strings
BUT
you can say things about where you learned to get your view, what did you think of this or that (insert specific moment here) when you saw it or heard it or reacted to it?

[Judge No.2442209]

Well see, I don't like to write about myself is the thing. Just concepts. I suppose though leading people to the concept first could be beneficial to both parties. Thank you for the input, really! I'll have to write backwards because usually I put concepts together as I'm writing. Like free styling on paper.

[Anonymous No.2442229]

>>2442209
I don't think yr gonna write anything worth reading until you get over your fear of writing about yrself.
as it is, no matter how much thought (which to me is a tad trite or absurd, such as the pine=pineal gland=third eye thing) you put into it wont mean much if you can't connect it to some concrete experience. just my opinion.

[Anonymous No.2442243]

>>2442229
this.
yes. Rimbaud's letter, remember Rimbaud's letter,
the man who wants to become a poet must know himself wholly. you must study yourself down. that is what was written over the Oracle at Delphi archway "know thyself"
and you have good intentions, you seek a mass audience and probably aren't scared of reading at an open mic, eh?

[Judge No.2442271]

Well see the way I see it is their is so much more to the world than me, so all that I have can go into the world. I'm not trying to bring you closer to me in my rhymes, I'm trying to bring you closer to yourself. To the world, to the truth, and in my other writing, to God. I have plenty of personal experience spiritually, and I do my research I study these things. I could probably tell you more scientifically and spiritually about the pineal gland than half the fools who think it brings them enlightenment. It opens your mind up to the spirit world, another dimension, and with no guidance or protection(ie God), deception. If practiced enough one can visit this place in the soul, via large releases through deep meditation, or by taking DMT which your pineal gland naturally creates, and forcing a visit if you will to this secret place we don't belong. A place which in the end will be wrapped up like a scroll and done away with.

And I've never heard of Rimbauds letter. But I think art should only be confined by your own set of rules. Just let it flow from the heart, controlled art is just so bland in my opinion. Personally when I see true art, I feel it. Like I get exactly what the artist was going for, and that makes it real art to me. When the heart shows. When the passion bleeds threw the lines.

[Anonymous No.2442290]

>>2442271
well yes, yes, of course, we all feel that when you read and you feel it. that's why i'm here, I go for it urrrrrrr daye.
seriously, yes I also will write about God in other writings, will read something like Mere Christianity or just some Parables and it IS strength allover, a workout for the ethic BUT
yes, well i've already voiced a lot in this thread about your writing so i'll let it all sit. but more or less: "sustained" from this side of the room

[Judge No.2442304]

Well hey! I appreciate the input! Seriously it's just cool to have people actually reading my stuff. I wasn't going to put anything up specifically regarding God as I assumed most people would completely reject it for the mention of his name, but I believe ill be posting all of my writing on here thanks to you. I'm still unsure as to whether you liked it or not, but again I truly appreciate all of the input and welcome it.

[Anonymous No.2442309]

>>2442304
i like it now that ive heard you talk it over more and more. and yes you're welcome my friend. *-*

[Judge No.2442328]

Awwh! Well thanks! I'm glad someone likes it!
Who ever you are,
you're awesome.
I never thought I'd run into a true Christian on 4 Chan xD
I mean their are lots of "Christians", but that's a whole nother conversation.

[Anonymous No.2442343]

>>2442328
haha! well.... yes it is kept low under everything else and only emerges when necessary.
I have somehow gotten good at avoiding the threads of arguments or ones I know there is just too much to say.... not the best Christian in practice but at heart all day. and anyway i thought at first that you were some ignorant slam poet who threw rhymes together and so felt the need to call all outs out

[Judge No.2442374]

Dude Omg! That's such an honest way of putting it... I've always tried to think of a way to put that, cuz honestly I'm the same way. I get the feeling we may have a lot in common. Yeah, crazy how a little background information can make a world of difference. I always just hope somehow someone will understand exactly what I'm saying, and it just blow their mind the way I put it together.