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/lit/ - Literature

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2435878 No.2435878 [Reply] [Original]

Someone post me a quick critique?

150.
She is rigid to her fingertips
dresses quickly
stiffening into blue slacks,
her woolsocks pulled up
below her calves
and the morning
passes
upward in the window
and objects begin to assume
their former dispositions.

The corrugated siding of
the shed across the lawn
begins to glow
in ridges
in the orange triangular dust
of dawn.

>> No.2435880

>>2435878
lrn 2 pnctate

>> No.2435881
File: 113 KB, 465x336, gaddis.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2435881

>>2435880
eh.

>> No.2435885

>>2435878
>She is rigid to her fingertips
>dresses slowly
>stiffening into blue slacks,
Awww. She has rickets.

>> No.2435893
File: 176 KB, 500x669, tumblr_lgo7cctPCF1qajo8uo1_500.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2435893

>>2435885
hah. indeed.

>> No.2435907
File: 54 KB, 600x351, photo_kerouac_cassady.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2435907

one more bump for the masses.

i'd love to get a thoughtful response

>> No.2435916
File: 62 KB, 600x553, adam-levine-christina-aguilera-moves-like-jagger.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2435916

Is this a Maroon 5 song?

>> No.2435921
File: 70 KB, 500x367, tumblr_lhace7SkGu1qb0tnwo1_500.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2435921

>>2435916
>maroon 5
>irregular meter

what? thanks though

>> No.2435947

Free verse doesn't mean you can just add breaks wherever you want. You should learn up on free verse and see how authors like Mary Oliver use specific breaks with effect.

I also don't see much attention to rhythm/prosody. Correct me if I'm wrong.

>> No.2435974

Also, punctuation would be nice as well. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean you should stop using full stops to show when you've finished a point.

What the fuck does "orange triangular dust" mean?

>> No.2435983

yeah, the breaks are almost too jarring at times.
i like it, though, op. it's better than a lot of shit that gets posted here.

>> No.2435987

>>2435878
What OP is trying to say is that he just lost his virginity to some prostitute and he is now waking up for the first time in his life next to a woman.

150, is the amount OP paid.
Rigid fingertips is because of the abstinence of cocain and alcohol in the whores bloodstream.
Dresses quickly -- new customers.
Woolsocks -- cold on the streets.
Morning passes upward -- obvious OP is suffering from morning wood but the window of opportunity is missed and OP becomes flaccid (objects begin to assume their former dispositions.)

Last stanza, The sun hits a small shed. OP is unconciously letting us know he considered murdering the prostitute because she giggled when he came after 30 seconds.

>> No.2436657
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2436657

>objects begin to assume
>their former dispositions

>objects

y u no specific?

The line breaks seem random and unconsidered.

>orange triangular dust

wat

>>2435987
>inferring OP is narrator
>implying narrator is present