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/lit/ - Literature

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2415647 No.2415647 [Reply] [Original]

Im trying to write but i sound like a retarded 15 year old please kill me

>The city market was full. Not with the tall and fair creatures it was used to. It was now filled with excited Goblins and shady strangers looking for a good deal. The auction had been going since the morning, every item pillaged was being sold.

>Swords worked to perfection by careful Elf Blacksmiths were now owned by blood-hungry assassins. Who would use them without the proper finessed they deserved. Some Goblins would buy piece of furniture in good condition just to smash it and laugh.

THAT FEEL WHEN YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD CONCEPT FOR A STORY BUT YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT WRITING

>> No.2415651

Good work on your LOTR fanfiction, OP!!!
It seems good!!!

>> No.2415653

>>2415647

I would recommend not writing fantasy for starters. Write something that is more familiar to you so you can gain experience.

>> No.2415654

>A PRETTY GOOD CONCEPT

What is it?

>> No.2415659

>>2415654
I want to write a story about "chains", not psysical but mental ones.

The basic concept was that a very strong creature( giant, some kind of magical creature etc) was going to be sold to a mage. The mage would then torture and raise the creature as some kind of slave.
The creature would be raise since it was small with a chain on his neck, the creature could easily break it and be free but the mental abuse from the mage would prevent it from breaking it.
I'm still thinking about what to develop later on in the middle-story and end-story. It would basically be a story set in a fantasy world talking about mental abuse and how it affects people.

>> No.2415670

>>2415659
Just for my records, how old are you?

>> No.2415673

>>2415670
Dunno, why do you ask?

>> No.2415675

>>2415659

Not bad, actually. But that doesn't relate much to the opening. Why not start with a depiction of your "monster" being messed up and tortured, that might drag the reader in a bit more than some fucked up Elf Market, because that seemed really boring and trite.

>> No.2415676
File: 69 KB, 600x448, Mindset.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2415676

>>2415659
Great idea ripped straight from this image, faggot. Your writing is terrible, your idea is terrible, and this thread is terrible. Get out.

>> No.2415680

>>2415676
inb4 OP deletes his thread

>> No.2415681
File: 18 KB, 255x225, iputmypenisinthisdoughnutonce.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2415681

>>2415659
Yeah Unleashed was a good movie. I'm just curious as to how you plan on incorporating Morgan Freeman into your version.

Oh! Obviously Morgan will be the owner/mage in this version and the giant will know kung fu

>> No.2415684

>>2415681
>>2415676
Stories about mental abuse are not new. I know that.

>> No.2415686

>>2415684
WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON THE LASTEST FROM OP'S STORY:
OP DECIDED TO STICK AROUND DESPITE DEATH THREATS BY 4CLAM POSTERS CLAIMING HE IS A FRAUD. HERO, OR THIEF?

>> No.2415689

>WHO WOULD USE THEM WITHOUT THE PROPER FINESSED THEY DESERVED
>WHO WOULD USE THEM WITHOUT THE PROPER FINESSED THEY DESERVED
>WHO WOULD USE THEM WITHOUT THE PROPER FINESSED THEY DESERVED
>WHO WOULD USE THEM WITHOUT THE PROPER FINESSED THEY DESERVED
>WHO WOULD USE THEM WITHOUT THE PROPER FINESSED THEY DESERVED

>> No.2415697

>A chorus of ecstasy bellowed from the city's market. Alas not with the ... and ... familiarly seen, instead Goblins and strangers keenly sifting to bargains everywhere the eye lay gaze.

>> No.2415701

OP is a fag. Elves don't smith.

>> No.2415706

>The musty summer sun lingered over the auction still much alive in spite of its early morning start.

>> No.2415710

>>2415697
>to should be through

>> No.2415736

>Swords, carefully, perfectly crafted by Elf Blacksmiths glinted and dazed passers by as their owners overlooked their progress intimately. However all was not as it seemed, rumor had it that the owners were not ordinary inhabitants of (the cities' name), but blood lusting assassins always on the brink of assault.

>> No.2415744
File: 65 KB, 550x400, 1323057191873.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2415744

>>2415647

>> No.2415746

Is OP dead?

>> No.2415750

10/10 OP

>> No.2415762

BREAKING NEWS:
4CLAM POSTER ANONYMOUS HAS KILLED HIMSELF. IT WAS JUST WEEKS AGO WHEN WE FIRST HEARD OF THE PLANS FOR ANONYMOUS TO WRITE A BOOK THAT WOULD BECOME THAT GREATEST BOOK OF THE CENTURY. A TALE OF MENTAL ABUSE. REPORTS SAY ANONYMOUS WAS UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE FROM THE CONSTANT DEATH THREATS AND HARDCORE FANS, AND HAD ORDERED A LARGE SUPPLY OF ASTROGLIDE FROM AN ONLINE SUPPLIER. IT IS NOT WRONG TO ASSUME THAT ANONYMOUS MAY HAVE FUCKED HIMSELF TO DEATH. ANONYMOUS'S LEGACY WILL SURELY BE FELT FOR YEARS TO COME.

>> No.2415779

>>2415736

That's even worse than the OP.

>> No.2415787

>A chorus of ecstasy bellowed from the city's market. Alas not with the ... and ... familiarly seen, instead Goblins and strangers keenly sifting through bargains everywhere the eye lay gaze.
>The musty summer sun lingered over the auction still much alive in spite of its early morning start.
>Swords, carefully, perfectly crafted by Elf Blacksmiths glinted and dazed passers by as their owners overlooked their progress intimately. However all was not as it seemed, rumor had it that the owners were not ordinary inhabitants of (the cities' name), but blood lusting assassins always on the brink of assault.

ANON>OP

>> No.2415800

>>2415787
OMFG ANON I FUCKIN' LOVE YO' SCRIBBLINGS, WILL YOU REWRITE ALL OF MY INFERIOR TRITE!

>> No.2415802

>>2415787

That's fucking awful. Jesus. Do you even read the stuff you write?

>> No.2415849

>>2415787
How can a summer sun be musty? What the fuck?

>> No.2415861

>>2415736
>>2415787
>hello i maek good integileant wurds so itz gud
Fucking structure, how does it work?!

>> No.2415871

I'm curious to know who would use them without the proper finessed they deserved.

>> No.2415882

>>2415787
If OP was a retarded 15-year-old, you would be an 8th grader in study hall.

>> No.2415930

>The student was ashamed to admit to himself that he could not match the complete simplicity that Jobs managed to display. He was, in so many terms, a product of his upbringing. While most of the Empire’s denizens toiled in the fields, students had soft perfumed hands and this student was no exception. bright yellow robe emblazoned with red roses hung on his bulky frame. The roses had rubies glinting at the centre, sewn directly into the fabric. Despite the robe being large enough to cover a horse, it was tight against the student's body. A mass of fat made up his head, centred by the face of a child, upon closer inspection, one would find that it was a grown man, shockingly.
The student's body billowed out in front of him and behind him, his feet were elephantine structures that quaked and quivered underneath his body, and every breath he took was more akin to a loud gasp as he sat on the only seating in the room, wheezing softly to himself as he waited by the two doors that Jobs the First stood over.

>> No.2415945

OP, you should pick up "The Elements of Style", by William Strunk. That would help you a wee bit.

>> No.2415947

>>2415930
Passive voice, passive voice everywhere! I....I can't focus....too much going on.....that isn't important....

>> No.2415952

>>2415947
PLEASE EXPLAIN

MY PENIS IS NOW AGGRESSIVE

>> No.2415959

>>2415930
I was, you were, he/she/it was. The road was black, it had been driven over many times. The sky was blue, you're already losing attention by this point.

When you describe the state of things, you start losing interest. I'm bored 3 sentences in when I start looking for the point of the paragraph, which was apparently to say, "some things were."

>> No.2415969

>>2415930
Oh God, that last sentence was awful.