/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.2362115]

Hey I was just hoping you guys could critique this prologue that I'm writing for some stupid ass story I'm writing just to get it out of my head. If you can tell me whether to add this, cut that, it's too wordy here or not enough show and tell I would appreciate it, thanks


Just outside of his home tent, a young boy barely hitting puberty can be seen wielding a large wooden spear. The small traveling pack of desert dwellers has settled in for the night, a campfire burning in the middle. "Rubedo! Come inside! It's time for bed!" a woman called out from his tent. The young boy sighed disappointingly as he let the weapon drop on the sandy floor casually. He slowly walked into the tent showing a pouting face to let his parents know he doesn't want to go to bed. "Don't give us that look Rubedo" His father warned. "We must leave early in the morning!" He carried a rather large wooden container carrying water as he walked outside, intending to put out the fire.

[Anonymous No.2362116]

"Lay down Rubedo, would you like me to tell you a bed time story?" The boy's expression lit up as he nodded. His mother smiled and rubbed his face. "Your brother used to give me that same look, lay down and I shall tell you one from a long time ago, one I told your brother Cruz". Hearing that the young boy quickly laid down between his sleeping sheets as his mother blew out a couple candles, lowering the lighting of the tent. His dad soon walked in and did the same. "Rouge, you telling him that story of Thought again aren't you?" She nodded in almost a guilty manner. "I thought we agreed..." "Don't worry Rad, he won't be like Cru..." "and how do you know that Rouge? Either tell him a differen..." Rouge shushed him though. "I know because he has seen the evil Rad...he knows the difference between good and bad because he's lived through it, he knows why we run and thats how I know he won't be like our older son..." Rad fell quiet after this. After a few seconds he threw the sheets and laid facing away from them. "Fine, I just pray your right."

[Anonymous No.2362118]

In the meantime Rubedo felt excited, this must have been quite the secretive story that made little boys into men, after all judging from what he just heard it made his older brother change, make him say things he never said before, do things Rubedo never expected him to do... Nevertheless he was determined to hear it and remain faithful to his parents, just to prove his dad wrong! His mother laid down as well and in the darkness of that cold desert night she began her tale. "Long ago, before any of us existed, there was a god, a being floating aimlessly for long stretches of time. As he wandered this being began to form a consciousness, and when it finally began to develop a method of thinking a spark was born. A spark that lit up the darkness around him. This one tiny mere spark was quickly followed by others, thousands of millions of billions and even trillions of sparks, all different colors and sizes. It began to fill the void and clump together to create the very first star. This being was intrigued and excited even though it took the patience that no man can stand. Soon this being was thinking and focusing, learning how to manipulate these sparks to create objects. It began to notice certain laws that these sparks followed and took that to his advantage. Soon he was creating stars and planets, galaxies and asteroids.

[Anonymous No.2362119]

Then one day millions and billions of years after the first star he noticed that one planet began to fill with things moving on their own, eating their own, creating on their own. He learned from them as he tried to make more but for some reason he couldn't... life was something he could not make. He learned however to create more planets that can sustain and create life on its own. So this being tried to teach the new people, the new life but some weren't advance enough to understand and others feared him. Overtime he faded into the background, this being that can create through thoughts. Until one day, a man he noticed managed to sail the seas of the stars with his own armies. He would conquer the other life forms, killing them or enslaving them. Thought grew worried and when this conquerer began reaching several planets at once over long distances he knew he had to act. Knowing he can't take life or end it he tried to create things that could make the conquerer stop but nothing worked, and the conquerer began to notice the existence of Thought through these accidents and the tales of the elders about the god that once was so he set out to conquer Thought himself! so he decided to arm the remaining people with a weapon..."

[Anonymous No.2362121]

Rubedo was listening intently, his eyes open even though he could only see the vague outlines of objects in the dark. When his mother paused and all they can hear is the snores of the father the boy couldn't help but whisper "what kind of weapon?" He can somehow feel that his mom was grinning in the darkness, that's when a fierce blue flash lit up the tent in the darkness of the desert. "The weapon of creation Rubedo..." He looked over and saw that his mother was sitting up in a meditative pose, her hand outstetched and open as a crystal blue orb floated slightly above it. "The story I tell you is real, Thought sent out several gifts allowing others to create with thoughts just like him, it takes a long time to master and it can wipe out a person if they overstrain themselves but he gave humans the power to be gods themselves." She then closed her hand the blue light disappeared. "However the plan didn't work out. The conquerer still overpowered the people and found out about this gift, now his army is also blessed with that power. Now the new conceivers must band together from across the universe if we hope to win against this man..."

[Anonymous No.2362124]

and that's all for now

again any criticism, even negative would be appreciated

[Grammar Nazi on the loose. No.2362151]

Corrections:

It doesn't make much sense for them to use water from a large wooden container to put out the fire. It's too precious to waste in the desert when you can so easily put it out another way.

> "Rouge, you telling him that story of Thought again aren't you?"
A little unclear with the grammar, at least add a comma or something after again, or make you into you're.

"Fine, I just pray your right."
The mistake here is obvious, sorry for being such a grammar nazi.

>Overtime
two words

Overall, this story is kind of interesting, but the setting for the prologue doesn't seem to match the feel you're going for well. The problems with the setting that i'm talking about are: the desert dwelling peoples, and the fact that this is some woman telling her 12 year old child a bedtime story about some crazy shit.

[Anonymous No.2362158]

>>2362151
I dislike the phrase "grammar nazi"

what the fuck is it supposed to mean?

nazi's were not tyrants.

[Anonymous No.2362161]

so many grammar mistakes holy shit

[Anonymous No.2362186]

>>2362151

thanks for pointing those out, I'll do a bit more research but in all seriousness it's the fact that the story is some crazy shit that holds me back, I think I'll just let this story stay in the dark

[Anonymous No.2362229]

>>2362115

>Just outside of his home tent, a young boy barely hitting puberty can be seen wielding a large wooden spear.

You should cut "barely hitting puberty". It's just redundant and is in the wrong tense. I suppose you could put "a young buy who looks to have barely hit puberty" but it's still redundant, imo

>The small traveling pack of desert dwellers has settled in for the night, a campfire burning in the middle.

You should probably put "a campfire burning in their midst", as middle just sounds amateur. Do Americans use "midst"? I suppose you could say "The small traveling pack of desert dwellers has settled in around a campfire for the night."

>The young boy sighed disappointingly as he let the weapon drop on the sandy floor casually.

"The young boy sighed in disappointment as he dropped his weapon on the sandy ground." is better. As you have worded, it sounds like you are disappointed at the boy's sight. "casually" is redundant. If he is dropping the spear then he is obviously dropping it casually like he doesn't care; how else can you drop something? He'd carefully place it to the ground otherwise

>He slowly walked into the tent showing a pouting face to let his parents know he doesn't want to go to bed.

"He slowly walked into the tent, pouting to let his parents know he didn't want to go to bed." You changed tenses in that sentence, heh

>"Don't give us that look Rubedo" His father warned.

add a comma after Rubedo

>He carried a rather large wooden container carrying water as he walked outside, intending to put out the fire.

"He walked outside carrying a large container of water, intending to put out the fire."

[Anonymous No.2362238]

>Just outside of his home tent, a young boy barely hitting puberty can be seen wielding a large wooden spear.