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/lit/ - Literature

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2359383 No.2359383 [Reply] [Original]

/lit/ how good am I writer am I? I'm going to post a short story that I wrote about six months ago. I know it might have some grammar issues, but I'm not worried about that as much as I am just my overall writing style. Do I make scenes interesting? Do I lack something? What is it?

>> No.2359385

Long ago, when the world was still new, a young man named Dae climbed the mountain next to his home every day before sundown to pray to the gods for fire. One day, the phoenix noticed Dae's travels and was confused...

"Why do you tread this mountain so, human?" asked the phoenix. "I need light so that I can see in the dark and keep myself warm." he replied.

The phoenix was shocked. This was the first time that she had ever heard of someone needing to ask for fire before.

"What if," said the phoenix, "I were to teach you how to make fire yourself?"

Dae was confused. After all, if the gods had wanted him to be able to make fire for himself, then why would he need to go and pray every day?

>> No.2359386

Reluctantly, Dae agreed and decided that it would be much easier on he and the gods if he didn't have to go and acquire the fire daily...

So the phoenix taught Dae how to create fire using magic. This amazed Dae, he had no idea that other creatures besides the gods had reign over the elements.

"It's easy," said the phoenix, "taking his hand and etching the runes into the clay." You just need to memorize these words and you'll be able to do things your own way. Dae insisted that the phoenix teach him more, and the phoenix agreed.

So, daily, the phoenix and Dae would sit on the side of the hill and the phoenix would show Dae magic, and Dae would listen intently. Eventually, however, Dae started to fall in love with the phoenix, and wished for it to stay this way forever.

>> No.2359388

After giving it much care and thought, Dae decided to confess to the phoenix his feelings for her.

The phoenix was shocked, and explained to Dae that love between he and the phoenix was impossible. The phoenix was immmortal, living on forever from one life to the next.

Dae's heart was shattered. He decided there had to be some way. So, Dae went to the top of the mountain the next day and prayed to the gods for help.

After praying for many long hours, the intent in his piety was noticed by the angel who guarded the animals of the mountain. "What is wrong with you mortal? Why do you weep so?" Dae explained his position and the angel was taken in by his admiration and love for the phoenix.

"Mortals and Immortals are not meant to be," the angel explained, "if the gods had wanted this to be possible, then they would have made it so." But Dae sobbed relentlessly and pleaded the angel for some way to gain immortality. The angel explained of an artifact hidden deep within a garden in the Northern Continent.

>> No.2359389

Dae thanked the angel and went to tell the phoenix. "But you can't go about this," said the phoenix, "surely it is too dangerous for one mortal to go alone all the way across the world!" Dae shook his head, "No, I'll be fine with all of the magic you've taught me."

Dae asked the phoenix to stay and wait for him for at least one life for him to get back. She agreed and he made his way north. During his travels Dae met many people, who he shared the magic of the phoenix with.

When Dae had made it to the Northern Continent, he found in the garden a temple which held a full suit of holy armor. This armor gave Dae super human speed, strength, endurance, and resistance to aging.

"Good," thought Dae, "now I can go back and be with my beloved forever."

>> No.2359390

So Dae returned to his home, only to find it guarded by angels who would not let him pass. "What is the meaning of this?!" he exclaimed "This is my home!"

"Not any more it isn't," the heavenly guard replied, "this is now the holding place of the phoenix for crimes against the gods."

Dae was infuriated. How could they say the phoenix had done anything wrong?

"What did she do?" asked Dae.

"She taught a mortal the use of magic from what I hear." explained the angel.

Seeing red, Dae then rushed pass the angels and slaughtered all of the guards he found in his path until he made it to the place where he had asked the phoenix to wait for him.

In the end, he found only a large golden crystal. The phoenix had been encased inside of it.

For an eternity, Dae tried to break the crystal with his strength, shaking the Earth with every blow. But he soon grew weak and needed rest. For the remainder of time, Dae vowed to sit with his beloved, and try to break the prison and free her every time he regained his energy, every time causing quakes around the Earth

>> No.2359418

The issue, from the way it's written, is that it sounds like you're trying to write for children. If you are then great, you've hit the write tone, but otherwise that is the main fault I see.

>> No.2359419
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2359419

>>2359383

If you were trying to write an adult sort of fairy tale, you did well. Seriously, not even being a dick.

But if you weren't, well then it sounds too much like a fairy tale.

>> No.2359423

>>2359383
>I know it might have some grammar issues
If you don't even put the effort into checking your post, then what kind of autistic child are you to think others will put effort into reading something of your story?

>> No.2359440

>>2359419
>>2359418
Well which one is it?

>> No.2359443
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2359443

>>2359423
>Grammar check just to post on 4chan.

>> No.2359447

>>2359443
if your attitude is that you don't have to put any effort into your story because you're posting on 4chan then be prepared for it to be taken exactly as seriously as every other 4chan post.

>> No.2359455

>2012
starting a story with "long ago..."

>> No.2359465

>>2359443
yeah fuck you too, faggot, hope you die

>> No.2359473

>When Dae had made it to the Northern Continent, he found in the garden a temple which held a full suit of holy armor. This armor gave Dae super human speed, strength, endurance, and resistance to aging.
You should probably mention how many hit points he has too.

>> No.2359486

>>2359473
>When Dae had made it to the Northern Continent, he was given Ebony Mail from Boethia

>> No.2359587

>>2359486
>For this, he had to sacrifice his beloved to the Prince, as a means to pay for his newly given artifact.
"You are naught but a scheming Daedra full of low cunning." exclaimed Dae, weeping for his loss. "But I shall use this armor as a reminder for mortals that all days must end."
Thus Dae allowed the sunshine to sweep through the skies during half of the day, allowing all humans to bask and feel joy. Yet when night came, he put on his armor, cloaking the entire Earth in shadow.
"For all days must end and all mortals must die." said Dae as he solemnly sat in his shadowy throne, his bright tears twinkling across the sky.

>> No.2359589

This story is a mug full of shit.

You deserve to be murdered by a necrophiliac for writing it.

>> No.2360677

>>2359473
It was originally written for use in a tabletop game.

>> No.2360682

>>2359447
my body is ready

>>2359455
Doesn't matter had sex

>>2359465
K

>>2359589
Thanks for the feedback, but WHAT exactly is wrong with it? I'm trying to keep my writing style interesting, not really the story. I want to know things like if I used the word "it" to much or "he". That's all I'm really worried about.