The First Two Chapters of My Book

[Anonymous No.23104108]

Happy to hear the thoughts of any anon who wants to read through:

[Anonymous No.23104109]

[Anonymous No.23104114]

[Anonymous No.23104119]

[Anonymous No.23104120]

>>23104108
Have you ever read a book before?

[Anonymous No.23104129]

>>23104120
Yeah.
why do you ask?

[Anonymous No.23104132]

[Anonymous No.23104135]

[Anonymous No.23104141]

END.

[Anonymous No.23104142]

kinda like infinite jest (1996)

[Anonymous No.23104145]

How much of your book is written?

[Anonymous No.23104150]

>>23104108
>>23104109
>>23104114
>>23104119
>>23104129
>>23104132
>>23104135
>>23104141
Well OP you out more down on the page then I ever have Kek
Bump for the effort 7.5/10
Not bad

[Anonymous No.23104164]

what the fuck anon? that isnt how you write dialogue. jesus fucking Christ... you are too hopeless to even insult. Like a little kid scribbling. Have fun kiddo.

[Anonymous No.23104166]

>>23104142
Damn dude really??
That's high praise considering his regard, thank you.
>>23104145
2 Chapters.

[Anonymous No.23104173]

>>23104164
>muh don’t break convention!
Fuck you I liked it, easy to read quick to get through leave it in OP

[Anonymous No.23104181]

>>23104164
Its supposed to be a way to limmit what you know as you're introduced to the story but I get its not for everyone.
I'm not sure yet, i may revise it later.

[Anonymous No.23104218]

>>23104181
It’s good
It’s like the opening of Enders game, could maybe use a little bit more color but the style is fine

[Anonymous No.23104231]

>>23104218
thanks man
apperciate the feed back.

[Anonymous No.23104352]

Bump

[Anonymous No.23104528]

>>23104108
Juvenile vulgarity (don't try to play it off as an artistic choice). Riddled with grammatical errors, which is indicative of arrogance and laziness. I would suggest you spend another two years reading masterpieces critically and studying grammer.

[Anonymous No.23104538]

>>23104108
Juvenile vulgarity (don't try to play it off as an artistic choice). Riddled with grammatical errors, which is indicative of arrogance and laziness. I would suggest you spend another two years reading masterpieces critically and studying grammar.

[Anonymous No.23104603]

>>23104538
>Juvenile vulgarity
Only in the characters who are jouvenile and vulgar, how else would you suggest i approach such a charcter??

[Anonymous No.23104612]

At least fix all your spelling errors before sharing

[Anonymous No.23104630]

>>23104231
You need to use the tools available to you or you will ngmi

[Anonymous No.23104631]

>>23104108
It’s not bad but it would take more to get me to keep reading

[Anonymous No.23104644]

>>23104612
apologies.
>>23104631
do you mean it needs more content for you to able to really get into it or are you saying some of what i already wrote needs improving?
If that latter option is there anything more you can say on that??

[Anonymous No.23104662]

>>23104603
bro, you are beyond helping. Fix your grammar first. Knock off the ALL CAPS, italics, double punctuation, missed punctuation, misspelling (the flesh is air to, lol). you aren't even putting in the minimum effort and it's annoying to read, it shows how little you care. And your vulgarity in Chapter two isn't character dialogue, it's third person narration.
Whatever, keep arguing against every criticism, arrogant poser.

[Anonymous No.23104693]

>>23104108
holy...i want more

[Anonymous No.23104696]

>>23104662
I'm not trying to argue against you dude (especially not against you pointing out I need to fix spelling and grammer errors)
Cas's chapters are supposed to show her particular perspective, i thought having the naration reflect the personality of character would be neat if you have some other way to do this you'd like to suggest i'm happy to listen.
>>23104693
Thanks dude

[Anonymous No.23104698]

>>23104662
lol
OP didn’t ignore your concern (though he fucking should have) what’s your fucking issue dude?

[Anonymous No.23104702]

A chapter in this writing style should be 20-30 pages. It's noticably short and not in a way that feels natural.

[Anonymous No.23104704]

>>23104698
First time?

[Anonymous No.23104723]

>>23104702
I'll keep that in mind.
I read somehwere online that the average chapter is 4000 words and while i'm a bit under that in chapter 1 I'm much closer to it in 2.
Chapter 3 will be from the perspective of Zack and i'll try to let it run a little longer.

[Anonymous No.23104728]

>>23104644
More content, more of a push in the story.
As for the writing style, it’s fine but idk about the dialog at the start. It’s a style choice.

It can work but I’d either make it less or make it more interesting/ informative. After a while I start to not care about what they’re saying because I want more context about who is saying it and why. It would be one thing if it was like someone confessing their dramatic sins in church with no other context, but this is just pretty normal dialog

[Anonymous No.23104730]

OP is a troll. There is no way he didn't see the blue and red lines underneath the text. All of you are falling for the bait.

[Anonymous No.23104750]

>>23104728
Thanks for the note man

[Anonymous No.23104770]

>>23104730
Wow, be kinder, anon.

[Anonymous No.23104788]

>>23104730
lol
How the fuck does OP being a bit lazy make him a fucking troll?
You think he wrote those 4 pages just to piss you off by not doing a spell check first??

[Anonymous No.23104827]

>>23104770
>pic
???

[Anonymous No.23104833]

>>23104108
getting nabokovian world building vibes

[Anonymous No.23104844]

>>23104788
Calm down anon.

[Anonymous No.23104850]

>>23104844
Why tho
Why is everyone so fucking crabby??

[Anonymous No.23104854]

>>23104833
That a good or bad vibe from your own perspective??

[Anonymous No.23104875]

>>23104850
Because nobody from this place wants anyone else here to be successful.

[Anonymous No.23104877]

>>23104875
That’s a shitty way to be

[Anonymous No.23104891]

>>23104877
If you want to be a writer, you need to participate in mainstream social media and go to University and make the right connections with upstanding people in the mainstream.

If you stick around here, your writing will just be called shit and you will be told to kill yourself. There is nobody here that ever gets their tires pumped, every attempt at releasing things here is met with bullying and attacks.

[Anonymous No.23104937]

>>23104108
So we start the story with two pages of dialogue? No summarization or description before? So they are two floating voices without a body? Are we supposed to care about or be engaged by two instances of nothingness talking to each other about God knows what?

[Anonymous No.23104963]

>>23104937
I've heard alot of people have mixed feeling on this to, i'm torn.
I think I might add more for depth in the conversation but I like the general idea of the introduction being this out of context conversation in this very dimley lit medevil bar; sort of like your eyes are adjusting to the dark and you're hearing the voices before anything else.

[Anonymous No.23105057]

Bump

[Anonymous No.23105072]

>>23104108
I won't say there's anything in writing you can't do, because someone will be able to make it work. Starting with floating heads is bold though. I get that you want to have a mystery here, but this is too much waffling and not enough of a hook. My guess based on the first page is something sexual.

There are many grammar and spelling issues.

There's some use of different sentence lengths/pacing, but not much. Mix it up more!

"Contrasting with the snow..." ?
How about "The boy's blood pooled beneath the cart, red droplets melting the white snow."

[Anonymous No.23105094]

>>23105072
>I won't say there's anything in writing you can't do, because someone will be able to make it work. Starting with floating heads is bold though. I get that you want to have a mystery here, but this is too much waffling and not enough of a hook. My guess based on the first page is something sexual.
This is taking place in a psuedo-feudal society that's highly religious, one of the issues i've had is wanting to make it seem distinct from our modern context while also making it interesting to the reader.
Is there any way you could suggesting making the adult tension more explicit while maintaing the contrast of the world of chapter 2??

[Anonymous No.23105098]

>>23104108
I don't like how in the first 4+ lines I don't know whose talking. First line is fine, I guess. It could be memorable. But what are you doing beyond that? There's no punctuation at the end of the second sentence or the ones beyond that.

You're writing like this
You should be writing like this.
"Better yet," Lucas said, "you should be doing this as well."

Please punctuate and let the reader know whose talking early on, let alone letting us know who even is talking and what they're about. Opening on dialogue isn't bad but when it's messy like this I can't even look further into it.

[Anonymous No.23105107]

I think there are a lot of positives to take away from this draft, but with that said, it reads like a first draft and needs extensive editing and revision.

For example, the opening dialogue (to me reminded me of the opening to Gaddis’ JR with no attributions) is going to be troublesome for modern readers, and most agents will reject it immediately unless you’re a published author already. Even still, they’d probably tell you not to do it. I read you wanted to give the feel of your eyes adjusting to the light, which is a fine idea, but I would integrate some exposition there, even if it’s brief. It was a little difficult keeping track of the different characters. Maybe have one character driving the dialogue with the others chiming in once in a while instead.

Language wise, I’d cut back on the extensive use of adjectives. Every description here has four to five adjectives (chapter 2). Yet, despite that, sometimes you have a good image of something but don’t explore it. The second chapter starts with the smell of a corpse, but it’s dropped after the first two sentences. I would make it the complication in this scene, like she’s constantly searching for the odor, as it will help drive the chapter through the duller parts, and work as foreshadowing for the violence later.

With all that said, I think there is good conflict and pacing throughout. There is definitely a strong tone: seedy Georgia bar life (post apocalyptic?).

I don’t think this sounded like Infinite Jest. I would suggest reading Crimes in Southern Indiana by Frank Bill.

[Anonymous No.23105115]

>>23105094
Why are there multiple lines about the mystery food/drink? Why doesn't your character know whether or not marriage is allowed in his society?

It's a very careful game to hide exposition in a story. It helps to directly relate it to your character. "You have to give up sex with Anna" "Not if I take her as a wife" "[description of religious barrier]"

Tangentially, have you read A Canticle for Leibowitz? Great book about a monastery set in the future.

[Anonymous No.23105143]

>>23105107
>the opening dialogue (to me reminded me of the opening to Gaddis’ JR with no attributions) is going to be troublesome for modern readers, and most agents will reject it immediately unless you’re a published author already. Even still, they’d probably tell you not to do it. I read you wanted to give the feel of your eyes adjusting to the light, which is a fine idea, but I would integrate some exposition there, even if it’s brief.
Could this be helped by maybe bleading in the traditional contextual aspects of dialogue slowly?
I'd like to keep some of the stark response to response quotations at the begining but with so many people saying its hard to to keep track of whose who i'm open to maybe giving a few nouns a bit earlier on if that helps; sparingly if i can.\
>Language wise, I’d cut back on the extensive use of adjectives. Every description here has four to five adjectives (chapter 2). Yet, despite that, sometimes you have a good image of something but don’t explore it. The second chapter starts with the smell of a corpse, but it’s dropped after the first two sentences. I would make it the complication in this scene, like she’s constantly searching for the odor, as it will help drive the chapter through the duller parts, and work as foreshadowing for the violence later.
I'll se what i can do with this.
>With all that said, I think there is good conflict and pacing throughout. There is definitely a strong tone: seedy Georgia bar life (post apocalyptic?).
Yeah, withotu giving away to much the whole book is technically post apocalyptic.
Both chapters take place on the same night of the same year in different places.
>Crimes in Southern Indiana by Frank Bill.
Thanks for the reading suggestion

[Anonymous No.23105172]

>>23105115
>Why are there multiple lines about the mystery food/drink?
Alot of the background for the story I have to explain through natural dialogue as i never intend (so far as i can) to give a "concerning hobbits" ham fisted artificial explanation of the Kingdom in its totality. Alchohol is legal in this society but the percentage allowed for general consumption is strictly regulated (a fact which has its own reasons due to the complex amalgam nature of the Christianity practiced in the Kingdom)
>Why doesn't your character know whether or not marriage is allowed in his society?
Marriage is allowed in the society as well as in the priesthood; marriage to a preist just isn't a necessairily atractive propsect to a young woman. While it speaks to a certian level of economic security and even political power it also means a life of communal living and a vow of "poverty." A life of prayer without lands or much privacy.
>Tangentially, have you read A Canticle for Leibowitz? Great book about a monastery set in the future.
I have not
will give it a look fren.

[Anonymous No.23105177]

>>23105107
This

[Anonymous No.23105194]

>>23104129
Having the narrator swearing and being crass is doesn't work.

[Sage No.23105195]

>>23104108
Stopped after reading the first line.

[Anonymous No.23105200]

>>23105194
Its only in Cas's Chapters and only to show the world from he POV

[Anonymous No.23105229]

>>23105172
Here's something for you to try: make every line of dialogue do at least two things at once. The same line can advance the plot, develop character, give exposition, provide a hook etc.

[Anonymous No.23105235]

>>23105195
Offer genuine criticism or don’t complain when your turn comes around.

[Anonymous No.23105242]

>>23105235
I want to ask the author what their motivation for writing their work is. What nags at them to finish this story?

[Anonymous No.23105282]

>>23105229
This

[Anonymous No.23105293]

>>23105200
Alright but I'm not sure it's characterising Cas in the way that you want it too.

[Anonymous No.23105326]

>>23104704
>>23104844
>>23104875
you should kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105354]

>>23105229
Thats an interesting idea, I'll try man.

>>23105293
Feel free to say more if you want to man.
I mean Cas is not the most moral person in the story. She's got a specific roll to play and specific reasons for her somewhat unique borderline cartoonish level of cynicism.
But if there is something you think isn't working I'd be happy to hear what you think it is and why.
>>23105242
Alot of things really.
I think the wold that came to me is a very interesting one that i want to explore and even more then that I find the characters really interesting and kinda just want to se what they'll do faced with the challenges I have set for them.
Cas in particular is someone i've wanted to se in some story for a long time and I'm really curious to se how her story works out.

[Anonymous No.23105375]

>>23105326
I thought you were on vacation, kill yourself guy!

[Anonymous No.23105376]

>>23105354
Where did the idea for Cas come from? Who are they? Why do you write?

[Anonymous No.23105379]

>>23104891
>you will be told to kill yourself
Then you should do it

[Anonymous No.23105387]

>>23105354
I understand the Cas isn't moral. It just takes me out of the story and feels like an attempt to shock the reader, which falls short and ends up sounding silly. Like randomly calling the bartender a "fucking kike".

[Anonymous No.23105391]

>>23105379
Gay

[Anonymous No.23105394]

>>23105379
Doesn't seem logical, I'm in a creative peak and about to release book #3. It is fucking mint and I'm super proud of my next work. Should be released in 1-2 weeks. Just need to get it up on Amazon and design the hardcover. Yes, hardcover or ebook only to start. It is going to be ah-mazing.

[Anonymous No.23105402]

>>23105394
If it's as bad as your first two books, you should kill yourself.
Actually, you should kill yourself regardless.

[Anonymous No.23105408]

>>23104108
I open a few images and discover an entire wall of one-line dialogue sentences followed by giant blocks of paragraphs. The first line right off the bat has too much punctuation and is clunky to read. I immediately lose interest without even reading the actual material.

The way you format your writing tells me you have no regard or awareness about how people read text.

[Anonymous No.23105417]

>>23105402
Relax, anon, it's going to be absolutely dreamy. There is less "action" in this writing and more emotion. It is a finely woven tapestry, a landscape of characters and their troubles in 13 chapters. Plus an epilogue. It might dip under 30k as I have a little polishing to do still. Then just need a cover, format the epub, and I have yet to ever design a hardcover book for printing, but I'm just going to use a printing company in Canada this time and pay like $10 a book for a nice hardcover. Shouldn't be too difficult. If you're nice to me, maybe I'll send you a freebie. :)

[Anonymous No.23105425]

>>23105417
Sounds like too much work. You should just kill yourself and save the trouble.

[Anonymous No.23105429]

>>23105143
> Could this be helped by maybe bleading in the traditional contextual aspects of dialogue slowly?

Yes, definitely. I think that would help mirror your idea of light imagery you mentioned before about wanting the reader to feel like their eyes are slowly adjusting. I would even consider keeping that context short. Have you’ve ever read “fletch” the novel? He does this very well.

> Both chapters take place on the same night of the same year in different places.

I think that’s a very interesting idea because you don’t expect that upon reading, so as far as a twist goes, I think that would work, especially if you are planning on a back and forth between these two sets of characters.

[Anonymous No.23105435]

>>23105376
>Where did the idea for Cas come from?
>Who are they?
ha
Well in a funny actually in a way she's someone i've known for a long time.
When I was younger i was always annoyed at how all the "strong female characters" never actually seemed all that strong to me. They were prepetually emotionally vulnerable, petty, easily hurt and always (either explicitly or implicitly) looking for some emotional vindication from others. Even when they were """"independent"""" and superficially ""empowered"" they were never REALLY above it all in any meaningful sense. They always CARED what other people THOUGHT of them, always wanted approval, or respect or some sort of vindication from men/society ect and this to me when I was young was NEVER compelling. It was like you had male heros and then you had female """heros""" and the female heros (or villians for that matter) were always deeply dependent on/moved by others to frankly cartoonish fucking degrees, making their stories basically non-functional, to the point that any single word of disrespect to any of them would illicit some violent emotional response from them.
Cas first and foremost came to me as the idea of what I (as a teenager) would se as an actual strong female character.
And as I grew older and matured i realized that that character based of what I considered "strength" at that age had some obvious character flaws but she was still very interesting to me in the same I think a guy's first real love is always interesting to him and so i've wanted to tell her story for a while and i finally worked out the world and the characters to give that depth and keep it from being just HER story (which I now think wouldn't be sufficient on its own now)
Thats why i want to write this I guess.
I want to get out these ideas i've had for half a decade now.

[Anonymous No.23105449]

>>23105429
> Have you’ve ever read “fletch” the novel? He does this very well.
No but i'll give that a look
>I think that’s a very interesting idea because you don’t expect that upon reading, so as far as a twist goes, I think that would work, especially if you are planning on a back and forth between these two sets of characters.
Yeah basically thats the plan.
They do converge ultimately but the concept of a post-apocalyptic medevil society is one of the things that drove me to write this along with the character studies. While I dont know if its completely novel it seems like a relatively untroden path
(And while i havent read the Stand and dont intend to until after my book is done from what I heard king paints a far more black and white tolkien picture then i'm interested in. I want a bit more nuance then that sort of fantasy)

[Anonymous No.23105451]

>>23105435
>>23105449
Would definitely buy this shit if you ever finish it OP

[Anonymous No.23105452]

>>23105451
Thanks Man!

[Anonymous No.23105457]

>>23105425
You should write, kill yourself guy, maybe you have something in your heart afterall?

[Anonymous No.23105462]

>>23105435
>I think a guy's first real love is always interesting to him
Are you writing about a woman you fell in love with?

[Anonymous No.23105482]

>>23105462
lol.
in a manner of speaking I suppose.
Though more accurately i'm writing about a personification of an aspect of a few women I fell in love with.
No woman I ever dated was really Cas but there were women I dated who I thought were like Cas; even though in the final analyisis, even if they had lived up to the near impossible ideal it wouldn't have been a good thing.
Cas is not an easy person to live with and she is, to say the least, morally complex..

[Anonymous No.23105487]

>>23105457
You should kill yourself, writing guy, maybe you have nothing in your heart afterall?

[Anonymous No.23105496]

>>23105487
You are so fucking gay dude

[Anonymous No.23105498]

>>23105487
I guess you'll see what is in my heart when Black Eye Friday is released? :)

[Anonymous No.23105526]

>>23105498
Do your children read your book?
>no
That's because your children don't love you. You're a worthless father, and you should kill yourself.

[Anonymous No.23105532]

>>23105526
Kek
Fucking homo

[Anonymous No.23105562]

>>23105526
>kill yourself guy doesn't even have kids

[Anonymous No.23105565]

>>23105562
>t. worthless father who should kill himself

[Anonymous No.23105569]

>>23105565
>he goes on 4chan to spread hate
>he doesn't write books
>he doesn't have kids
Hope you can find something that brings you joy, anon!

[Anonymous No.23105572]

>>23105565
>t gay pussy who is gay and gets no pussy

[Anonymous No.23105573]

>>23105569
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105580]

>>23105573
It is going to be wild once Black Eye Friday is released, shit is SO cash.

[Anonymous No.23105586]

>>23105580
You know what would be SO cash?
If you killed yourself.

[Anonymous No.23105592]

>>23105586
That wouldn't be cool, I have a ton more books to write.

[Anonymous No.23105593]

>>23104108
The opening with two solid pages of tagless dialogue left me feeling a bit lost. If you really want to open that way, I suggest you read some well-written dialogue-heavy stories and try to emulate what the author is up to. (I like "Pretty Mouth and Green My Eyes" for this purpose).

The fact that you're actually writing something puts you ahead of 99.9% of people on here, including me unfortunately.

[Anonymous No.23105602]

It’s sad to me that such obvious bait gets so many replies.

[Anonymous No.23105606]

>>23105593
>The fact that you're actually writing something puts you ahead of 99.9% of people on here, including me unfortunately.
What's stopping you?

[Anonymous No.23105608]

>>23105602
There is no such thing as bait anymore. What used to be called bait is what anons look for anymore

[Anonymous No.23105615]

>>23105592
>>23105606
Your books are so shitty that you should kill yourself.

[Anonymous No.23105617]

>>23105606
When I write I have to confront myself in a way that's so agonizing that I just avoid it altogether.

[Anonymous No.23105638]

>>23105617
This person is brave enough to rape a baby while pretending to be a woman while employed at a daycare and you're too scared to write words on a page in private?

[Anonymous No.23105644]

>>23105615
Yeah but the 3rd one is better!

[Anonymous No.23105658]

>>23104108
Reading just the first few lines I can tell you love these characters so much you assume the audience will feel the same way. Why should I care about these assholes? It's like your first day at a new work place and two guys are laughing their asses off at their own inside jokes. Ruminate on this.

[Anonymous No.23105668]

>>23105644
post excerpt or kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105676]

>>23105573
Gay

[Anonymous No.23105680]

>>23105593
Thanks for the advice fren
>>23105602
What the fuck do you think I am baiting for dude??

[Anonymous No.23105682]

>>23105638
How do you even sexually abuse a baby? How could even the most psychotic pedo sexualize a literal infant? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm so sick of trannies bros

[Anonymous No.23105685]

>>23105658
Fair critique but how do you avoid this without doing a full explanation of all the inside jokes?
I dont want to do a full "concerning hobits" chapter but i'm happy to take suggestions.

[Anonymous No.23105686]

>>23105668
So there's Dr. Fuck, duckin' down the alley to drop a deuce against a wall, far enough away so the stench don't mess with Mumbles' focus. Dude's been backed up for days, thanks to his diet of meth and more meth. Before he heads out, he loads Mumbles up with a hefty hit of speed, aiming to turbocharge him like a haste spell, some magic in a game from another lifetime, before the drugs turned his existence into this epic, twisted adventure with no seatbelt and a gas pedal stuck to the god-damned floor.

By the time Dr. Fuck makes his grand return, post-relief, he finds Mumbles has pulled off a damn miracle. The Frankenbike's standing there, gleaming in the dim light of the alley, looking more ready for a mad scientist's lab than the streets of Vancouver. Mumbles, in his silent genius, has rigged up a white garbage bag on a telephone pole, scrawled with ghetto fabulous instructions and a sketch of the weed-whacker electric motor-engine boost setup. It's all there, including a big-ass warning about not pushing the little red boost button for more than ten seconds unless they want to turn the bike into a fireball.

Dr. Fuck, ever the daredevil, waves off the caution like it's nothing, all swagger and bravado. But Mumbles, he's in a panic, mumbling his head off, trying to drill into Dr. Fuck's thick skull that he's flirting with disaster this time. It's a rare moment; Mumbles ain't just worried about the bike, he's scared shitless of being left alone in this screwed-up world without his partner in crime.

Feeling the weight of Mumbles' worry, Dr. Fuck pulls him in for a rough, brotherly hug. It's a messed-up kind of tender, right up until Mumbles' sticky fingers make a play for the meth stash in the good doc's back pocket. Dr. Fuck catches him red-handed, slaps his hand away, but it's all in the family. He grabs the Frankenbike, tests it with a quick bounce, and with the clock ticking down to race time, he hits another bump of meth, promising victory and demanding Mumbles be right there with him, as his wingman, his crew chief, in this batshit crazy quest for glory.

"Imma win this motherfucker," he says, the meth sharpening his determination to a razor's edge.

"And you, you're gonna be right there when we take it, Mumbles. Ain't no ride if you ain't ridin' with me." With that, Dr. Fuck kicks the bike to life, the alley echoing with the sound of a friendship too wild to be tamed, a bond forged in the fires of chaos and meth smoke.

[Anonymous No.23105690]

>>23105686
Just as I expected, it's shit.

[Anonymous No.23105693]

>>23105680
I have a soft spot for anachronistic religious societies. I recommended A Canticle for Leibowitz earlier. Anathem is another book about a monastery in a post apocalyptic society, but you have to love the setting to endure that book.

Your writing reads to me like you're very new. Keep working on it and I look forward to adding it to my little list of post apocalyptic religious books.

[Anonymous No.23105701]

>>23105693
>Your writing reads to me like you're very new. Keep working on it and I look forward to adding it to my little list of post apocalyptic religious books.
:)

[Anonymous No.23105710]

>>23105690
How old where you when you started sucking cocks anon??

[Anonymous No.23105711]

>>23105690
"it's shit"
Hey you forgot the kill yourself part!

[Anonymous No.23105717]

>>23105711
>Hey you forgot the kill yourself part!
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105719]

>>23105717
And don't let it happen again.

[Anonymous No.23105722]

>>23104662
Gross. You want him to write cornslop.

[Anonymous No.23105798]

>>23105722
Tell, don't show, the fucking banter back and forth should be a few lines long, enough to set the tone, but extended dialogue is just annoying. Like skip to the important statements and then just describe how it makes your current_viewpoint feel. I remember reading some mainstream published schlock a few years back that had a couple pages of two characters talking and it was all forgettable dialogue, like it was there just to fill pages and make a word count.

[Anonymous No.23105810]

>>23105717
>>23105690
>>23105668
>>23105615
>>23105586
>>23105573
>>23105565
>>23105526
>>23105487
>>23105425
>>23105402
>>23105379
You have got to be the most boring person i have read all day.
And I spent half of it on 4chan.

[Anonymous No.23105817]

>>23104108
>just dialogue
>no indication of who's even speaking
This is terrible. Terrible. Don't ever try to write again.

[Anonymous No.23105819]

>>23105810
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105838]

>>23105819
lol
Dude you do realize that the continued repetition of a statement renders it to be percieved as automated correct?
If your goal is to get a person to kill themselves your best bet is to convince them that is a thing worth doing.
Reducing yourself to a mindless machine reiterating the same statement into the void an automated bus stop recording just gets people to se you less then human, it gets people to percieve you as your opinion having LESS value.
Its the same way people feel when they a comercial for a politician they've seen 100 times before or a fucking gramerly add on youtube.
Everytime you reiterate it makes people want to conform to your dictate LESS.

[Anonymous No.23105849]

>>23105838
Lmfao
Mother fucker actually killed himself after reading this

[Anonymous No.23105906]

>>23105838
>>23105849
>>23105810
Leave kill yourself guy alone. They are clearly going through some tough times.

[Anonymous No.23105916]

>>23105838
>>23105849
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23105919]

>>23105916
post.
again.

[Anonymous No.23105961]

>>23105919
Kill yourself guy takes vacations for days at a time then comes back and sweeps across posts telling Jason Bryan to kill himself in as many posts as they can. Too bad Jason Bryan THRIVES off the attention.

[Anonymous No.23105996]

>>23105916

[Anonymous No.23106005]

>>23105961
Too bad Jason Bryan should kill himself

[Anonymous No.23106021]

>>23106005
Have too much going for me, too many books to write. Maybe if I had a terminal illness I'd MAIDs to not suffer, but I'd probably just drink and get high until the bitter end.

[Anonymous No.23107002]

>>23106021
kill yourself

[Anonymous No.23107576]

>>23107002
lol
loser

[Anonymous No.23107772]

>>23107002
>>23106005
Jason Bryan is going to release the next /lit/ book while you sit there seething and coping