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/lit/ - Literature

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2310020 No.2310020 [Reply] [Original]

hi. somebody asked me to try my hand at short fiction. mind giving me your thoughts on this little piece i worked on? :) thanks!


:::L I T T L E Y V E N N E:::
I know what you are thinking-- how did i get here?! Well, quite frankly you are mistaken. I did not get here I was merely meant to be here. This is my home: my paris, my france. I live in Virginia, and this is my story of purpose.

>> No.2310023

Father? I never met a father. I mistook men in television to be father sometimes. Big Bear from that show about the little bear, and Franklin's dad who was a turtle were people I mistook for fathers. Sometimes I wonder if that is why Jimmy slit his veins the night he died(..it is a long story).

Anyway, fact of the matter is I am in Virginia looking for my soul mate. I have seen females to which I am left in disgust because these females do not stimulate my cerebral cortex. That was, well that was, before I met you Yvenne. Now I know what you are thinking, Yvenne: why is he speaking to me in such a facetious tone?

>> No.2310022

Mother always told me I was the 'accident child' with 'inevitable mystique'; as if I knew what that meant being just five. But it stuck since I heard it the one time. That's why I say 'always' instead of 'the one time' because it's been in a mental loop since then.

What's weirder is how I'm the 'accident child' despite being one of a triplet. How did she deduct it was I who was the 'accident' and not Luke or Jimmy? I hate her and I dislike that she was recently diagnosed with alzheimers. It is a tricky spot.

>> No.2310025

To tell you the truth, I was born with a disorder rendering myself unable to not disassociate myself from matters. Honestly I might as well be in a spaceship 159,000,000 kilometers outside of the planet's orbit at this present moment in time. That is how little I speculate I currently care for whatever it is I have told you. I notice you do not giggle at my punchlines.

Yvenne, you have dirty red hair. It is matty. You have eyes the color of semi bleached green socks. I hate the way you smell. But my significance is made mute when you briefly direct your eyes towards the vicinity of my face. By the way, you have an odd complexion. I once had a blanket that was kind of orange mixed with brown that reminded me of a rain forest at sunset as seen through the eyes of a man with dementia and that blanket is what you look similar to.

If only I had said this to your living face, Yvenne.
END

>> No.2310041 [DELETED] 

wow, i'm actually crying

>> No.2310051

>>2310041
Really? Thanks that was the intention.

Anyway I really hoped this was alright for a first stab at fiction. Thanks guys.

>> No.2310057

>>2310051
You are seeing phantom posts. You've gone too far, 'Hawk.

>> No.2310094

>>2310057
somebody told me they cried to my story. they deleted their post or a mod destroyed it.

Anybody else have thoughts on my story?

>> No.2310102

It's not good. You answer questions the reader never asks, questions we don't care to know the answers to.

>> No.2310112 [DELETED] 

>>2310102
Did you notice how I faked out the readers by making them think the audience perspective was at first their own? Pretty clever.

>> No.2310131

B U M P

E V E R Y O N E R E M E M B E R T H A T
T H E S T O R Y I S IN T H E T H R E A D

>> No.2310139
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2310139

>>2310112
I noticed how you are trying too hard.

>Clever you are.

>> No.2310150

>>2310139
I noticed how you've never written a single good thing so don't talk a game you can't walk.

>> No.2310165

trite.

>> No.2310166

This isn't good... at all. Everything about your sentences feels off, it moves to quickly, and left me wanting something of substance. The only part i liked about it was how short it was, I didn't feel like I wasted time reading it.

>> No.2310176

>>2310166
So you're telling me it left you wanting more, it had a consistently brisk pace and you didn't feel like you wasted your time reading it? Thanks for the compliment.

>> No.2310182

>>2310150
How would you know? I could be the ghost of Dostoevsky for all the knowledge you posess.

>> No.2310186

>>2310176

Yeah it had all the appeal of a rural newspaper article, with somehow even more pretentious undertones.

>> No.2310218

>inevitable mystique...
ye, were you looking for: enviable, alluring, or another word that MAKES sense in this context?
>. But
(with nearly no build up)
just breaks flow and sounds stupid

unable to not disassociate

to which I am left in disgust

(a) kind of orange mixed with brown (despite this small error, the final sentence is grand)

>> No.2310243

>>2310218
I meant something like 'foreboding' instead of 'inevitable' in that sentence. It's hard to explain, but I knew exactly where my character was at writing this. That's why I chose those words.

>with nearly no build-up
It wouldn't be organic for my character to 'build-up'. I would still classify this as a thriller of sorts, especially if you reread it knowing how it ends.

Thanks for actually helping out.

>> No.2310251

also, never stop writing man!
>>2310249
(meagain)

>> No.2310249

>>2310243
np, i'm not the smartest mutha fucka of the bunch, but I'm glad i could help

>> No.2310257

>>2310251
Don't delude the poor kid.

>> No.2310265

>>2310251
:) this makes me optimistic. I'm trying a lot, honest.

>> No.2310280

>>2310257
everything needs practice, one-liner.

>> No.2310301

Another pile of shit. Seriously, you ask for critique and insult anyone who tells you what an atrocious writer you are? Move along please. Also, kill yourself.

>> No.2310312

>>2310301
Please give me an example of 'insult anyone' that I have used. Please and thank you for the response.

>> No.2310316

>>2310301
Also how do you believe my story is a 'pile of shit' as you say? Please be specific. I am trying to correct my faults at this stage in my writing.

>> No.2310324

>>2310316
see
>>2310165

>> No.2310331 [DELETED] 

>>2310316
Please do not make a fool of yourself in my thread by misconstruing the meaning of 'specific'. Thanks again.

>> No.2310336

please stop replying to threads with this piece of shit

thank you

>> No.2310350 [DELETED] 

>>2310336
You were the first person to reply to this thread with 'this piece of shit'. Unless I am mistaken.

>> No.2310406

"Inevitable Mystique" is the incomprehensible jargon which my mother always spewed during my childhood, probably to cover up my blatant label of "accident child". Although days and months past it regrettably stuck. That might explain my preference regarding "always" over "the one time"; the result of her perennial action.

Further complicating matters is my donning of "accident child" despite my birth accompanying two others. Go ahead, give me a good reason why I was designated the "accident" instead of Luke or Jimmy. I abhor the woman, though minor rue begun its dance following my recent discovery of her Alzheimer's infliction. What a thorn.


This is my entry-level take on the first paragraph it if all the sentences had to remain intact. Gotta link the sentences together and add underlying emotion.

>> No.2310550

>>2310406
But this isn't my voice at all. I need to remain true and somehow make that be enough to be considered a great literary icon. Sometimes being the fanciest isn't the way to be most talented. You know?

>> No.2310554

>I know what you are thinking-- how did i get here?!

And that's where I stopped reading.

>> No.2310567

>>2310554
it's your loss. only gets better before concluding with a bang.

>> No.2310627

This is trite, ultra-pretentious bullshit.
Searching for father figures in childhood cartoons? Addressed to a dead character?
You also make excuses for any criticism someone throws at you.
You seem to have a decent vocabulary and have a feel for surreal, slightly discomforting description, but you're clueless when it comes to structure, pacing and narrative voice.
Almost every piece of criticism in this thread has some validity. Take it all to heart. You've got a ways to go.

>> No.2312665

bump

>> No.2312671

Nobody would ask this of you. Please stop using /lit/ as your creative shitter, people are trying to communicate.

>> No.2312712

>Yvenne, you have dirty red hair. It is matty. You have eyes the color of semi bleached green socks. I hate the way you smell. But my significance is made mute when you briefly direct your eyes towards the vicinity of my face. By the way, you have an odd complexion. I once had a blanket that was kind of orange mixed with brown that reminded me of a rain forest at sunset as seen through the eyes of a man with dementia and that blanket is what you look similar to.

Am I being trolled? I honestly can't tell.

If I am not, I want you to know beforehand, I am not a rudemonger. I say this because it is true.

You are a very bad writer. Most of the time, for a young writer to be inherently bad at writing is not beyond reconciliation.

Unfortunately, that is not the case here. Your writing is entirely void of promise, both substantially and stylistically.

Please don't rationalize your way out of this, the intent is not to be mean. You are just bad.

>> No.2312721

>>2312712
>Am I being trolled?

yes.

>> No.2312725

>>2312712
I don't believe in predestined fate.

I honestly am not trolling. I'm just working on my style write now. I believe I am flexible. Would you like to look at another work I recently made?
>>2310796

>> No.2312732

>>2312725

> working on my style write now

> write now

> write

Clearly you're not working hard enough.

>> No.2312744

>>2312732

spelling isn't style

not a fan of your posting op but this is pretty okay apart from "as seen through the eyes of a man with dementia" which is hell of clumsy

>> No.2312748

>>2312732
My mother used to refer to these as 'brain hiccups'.

>> No.2312752

>>2312725

Okay you are definitely trolling.

You should try a different approach, this method is not even passingly entertaining. It just makes you go "okay" and carry on.

I'd give it maybe a 1/10 on the trollscale, just for the effort it probably took you.

>> No.2312753

>>2312748

Clearly your mother never taught you to edit your writing to correct them.

>> No.2312754

>How did she deduct it was I who was the 'accident' and not Luke or Jimmy?

Here's a tip when writing: say your sentence aloud. You might be surprised to hear how fucking terrible that particular sentence is

>> No.2312763

>>2312752
Give me an example of how I am 'trolling'. Is it because you find me obnoxious? Am I now not allowed to be myself without it necessitating some sort of ulterior motives related to damaging the welfare of those around me? This is a silly idea. I am not trolling.

>> No.2312782

>>2312763

I don't find you obnoxious.

I just think the intent, subject, and style of your writing is so bad, that you couldn't possibly be serious.

I.e. it sounds like you're making intentionally bad writing. I perceive this as trolling, since you are trying to convince me this is a serious piece.

>I have seen females to which I am left in disgust because these females do not stimulate my cerebral cortex.

I mean COME ON.

>> No.2312783

where in VA are you from if that part isn't fiction? i'm from VA, biotch.

>> No.2312785

>>2312783

Find him. Cripple him.

>> No.2312786

>>2312782
I write from a perspective I feel comfortable in. That is the only way I believe I can put it. I do not believe any part of my writing is inherently flawed because it works as a piece etched on another plane outside of our own. It is perfect in a way beyond myself, and in a way I cannot myself see. It is not my enemy because I choose to accept it.

>> No.2312839

>I know what you are thinking-- how did i get here?! Well, quite frankly you are mistaken. I did not get here I was merely meant to be here. This is my home: my paris, my france. I live in Virginia, and this is my story of purpose.

I thought this was the whole story before I clicked on the thread; a vignette of sorts.

I liked it.

>> No.2312858

>>2312786

Okay. Okay.

I'm going to take a step back here.

I am still of the belief that you are a troll, but let's, for a moment, operate under the assumption you are not.

The following would have to be true.

a) You have read The Series of Unfortunate Events series. This is the most advanced literature you are capable of comprehending.

b) You have read more challenging novels as well, either for school or the sake of appearances, and the only understanding you received from them was the context of vocabulary.

c) Your interactions with other people throughout your lifetime would have to be something along the lines as follows. You had a good, but lonely childhood, never developed understanding of external perception. Fleeting relationships throughout school, receive vague understanding of aesthetic perception, but relationships are terminated before substance becomes evident. Now, I'd guess you're from ages 17-19, somewhere in the transition to college. You are consciously apathetic to your situation, which stems from subconscious avoidance. Your current situation is probably not good.

d) You are not emotionally invested in the macabre nature of your subject. You cling to it because you value the instinctive response it elicits in the audience. Because of this your writing is hollow and meaningless, but your perception of yourself is disillusioned in a way that allows you to attach great personal value to it.

e) Below average ability to reconcile abstract conflicts and ideas. Probably did well in school, good at following directions. Average IQ. Processes quickly, but not efficiently.

Okay, I'm going to stop there since I'm getting bored.

But, you get the idea. It is not very believable. If it is accurate, I apologize, but I suspect you are just fishing for attention. In your mind, even the mechanic of searching for attention has become a sarcastic pursuit for you, making the entire endeavor all the more ridiculous.

>> No.2312879

>>2312858
My biggest influence is Coetzee. My mother never gave me any spending money for our school book fairs. I will spend time in a place far from here and hopefully adapt a new alias.

>> No.2312903
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2312903

>>2312858
>anon psychoanalyzing himself and then imputing said characteristics onto Sunhawk

This is called projection, children.

>> No.2312916

>>2312903
Project yourself off a cliff Freudfag.

>> No.2313055

>>2312903

...none of those traits could be, even abstractly, related to myself.

Nice try, though.

>>2312879

Go as far as you like, you cannot hide from yourself.

>> No.2313088

>>2312916
>psychology
>butthurt
pick one