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/lit/ - Literature

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23034566 No.23034566 [Reply] [Original]

Rate my poem

>> No.23034847
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23034847

___(you)______

>> No.23035285

>>23034566
Good. The useless faggots on this board will hate it and endlessly yap about pointless shit like the number of syllables.

>> No.23035293

I hate it and the number of syllables is bad

>> No.23035316

>>23034566
needs better number of syllables, i hate it

>> No.23035472

I like it :3

>> No.23035479

>>23034566
What the fuck are those syllabes? Too many but also not nearly enough

>> No.23035520

>>23034566
What formula did you use to arrive at this number of syllables?

>> No.23035554

>>23034566
syllables.

>> No.23035636

>>23034566
I like embossed rectangles around the final quatrain. They make up for your missing syllables.

>> No.23035658

>>23034566
Pure affectation without real emotion. Vague, weak imagery, no themes. You enter these things into evidence and that's it? That's not how court works.

>> No.23035675

>>23035658
He's submitting himself to the record, ravaged by the war, compromised and consumed by his weapons.
Then he returns to duty.

>> No.23035676

>>23034566
it's cheesy

>> No.23035709

>>23035675
That's not in the poem. It's half-baked. Decide what you want to say, follow through, don't just shit out a piddly self-congratulatory stanza.

>> No.23035792

>>23035709
>That's not in the poem.
It very much is. I'm a reader not the poet.

>> No.23035851

>>23034566
The metre is wonky and lacks needed caesuras. Enjambment doesn't result in a pause like a comma.

It starts off sounding like a ballad but you've gone with iambic pentameter for the first line and tetrameter for the second.

>I enter into evidence
>My tarnished coat of arms,
>My muses acquired like bruises,
>My talismans and charms.

Makes it a ballad. The third line doesn't sound right because of the stresses.
>x / x x / x / x
>My muses acquired like bruises,

The other two lines need looking at, writing tick on different lines and written like that is pointless. It reads the same if you wrote
>The tick, tick, tick of love bombs

>> No.23035981

>>23035851
>wrong number of syllables
>you have to make it flatter and less interesting because of the hecking syllables

>> No.23035984

>>23035676
And who doesn't love cheese, ain't I right fellas?

>> No.23037678

>>23034566
ending is absolute cringe, also excise "and so" at the beginning
otherwise i think it's pretty decent, although it does give me the impression that you are a woman

>> No.23037741

>>23034566
Hey Taylor. Are you going to the Super Bowl?

>> No.23037803

I don't like the concept of 'love bombs', its juvenile

you should symbolize it with something else

>> No.23037834
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23037834

>The richest, most successful woman in the world larping as a tortured "poet"
>All that money and she can't even pay someone to write better rhymes than Dr Seuss
>Much less learn how to write some herself
The absolute fucking state.

>> No.23038074

>>23034566
I think the muses bruises line is the cheesiest shit ever but honestly the rest is nice

>> No.23039613
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23039613

>>23034566
FRAN TIC TIC TIC TIC TIC TIC

>> No.23039696

>>23034566
1/10 You did a thing, but you did it badly. Go and read lots of poetry by great poets and then try again.

>> No.23039933

>>23039696
You're far worse at critiquing than he is at poetry. Imagining the vapid piece of shit that considered this post worth making is horrifying.

>> No.23040706

>>23034566
(You) are gay anon. I can tell you like to suck dick from your penmanship and the way you structure your poem like a woman in her mid-20s. The subject matter also gives me the vibe that you like to be a bottom.

>> No.23040735

taylor swift has made a deal with the devil. She needs to emobody the aura of a 14 year old white girl from middle america, so she became a 14 year old white girl from middle america. Even though she is a mid 30s roastie who thinks she is some tragic artist like nick drake or elliott smith.

The funny thing is the idea of a "tortured poet" resonates more with someone like kanye.

>> No.23040740
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23040740

>asking this board for their opinions

>> No.23041802

>>23040706
In my mind it's a 25 year old pretentious but heterosexual faggot aware enough to know he's a pretentious lazy faggot but not aware enough to stop. He's trapped, cursed to roam forums asking for feedback he knows will consist mostly of of homophobic slurs.

>> No.23041929

>>23034566
Oh it is taylor swift haha

>> No.23042738

>>23039933
Lmao, what did you expect, you delicate little twat? An essay? This is 4chan. Take the advice or leave it, but don't expect me to treat you like you're my fucking student. Dumbass.

>> No.23042741

>>23034566
6/10, a little corny and sophomoric but not awful

>> No.23042766

>>23042738
Lmao, what did you expect, you delicate little twat? A homeric epic? This is 4chan. Take the posts or leave them, but don't expect me to try to read into your empty replies which you spent your precious time writing instead of saying something. Dumbass.
You have never taught anyone anything in your life.

>> No.23042767

>>23042766
You have to be 18 to post here.

>> No.23042775

>>23042766
Don't ask someone to rate your poem and then burst in to tears when you get a poor rating. Sorry, your poem sucks. Just do what I said and maybe your next one will be better. Consider yourself lucky anyone bothered to read, rate, or advise you at all.

>> No.23042789
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23042789

>>23034566
She makes Beyonce seethe.

>> No.23042794

>>23042767
If he were underage he'd likely know who wrote the poem.

>> No.23042795

>>23042775
I didn't write the poem or the original post you illiterate parody of a retard. You made the worst post in the thread, consider yourself lucky anyone bothered to read, rate or advise you at all.

>> No.23042811

>>23042795
So you're just a little faggot white knight using the rhetoric of a literal eight year old? That's beyond pathetic. Alright, later kid. Take the advice either way. No doubt you need to read the work of great poets if you'll white knight for some 1/10 slop you didn't even write.

>> No.23042821

It's >>23042795. Hi. >>23042811 're the problem it's >>23042811.

>> No.23042830

>>23042811
A capable, literate person would have read my posts and built his replies on what they conveyed instead of making up fantasies.
My replies to you were not about the quality of the poem but your cancerous posts that convey absolutely nothing. The only point you ever try to make is some deranged ego horseshit about how superior you are. There's not a hint of any other thought in any of your posts and I suspect this is true across threads. You are cancer, there is nothing of worth to be gotten from you. You have no insight to offer into anything.

>> No.23042867

>>23042830
Lol, I'm not reading that dumbass. I don't give a shit what you have to say. Grow the fuck up and read a book. Stop expecting to be spoonfed. And quit white knighting.

>> No.23043012

>>23042867
>Stop expecting to be spoonfed
There's nothing there to be interpreted or spoonfed. Your posts don't say anything and they don't even try. You have nothing to say about anything and no amount of cope will change that.
The best possible result is if you stop posting for a few years while you learn to think and become a self aware human instead of a mindless animal.