Poetry rate thread

[Anonymous No.22484515]

Rate and get rated:

I've been told that art does nothing,
it exists just to react.
Like a mirror. Nonsense:
There's a gun on the table,
no one died yet.
No gunpowder in the air.
Trigger's dull,
bullets cold.
Then someone picks it up,
in some form of emotion,
and shoots you in the chest.
But art is not the weapon:
art is the hand
that pulls
the trigger.

[Anonymous No.22484576]

A bit edgy but I found it interesting, I just didn't like the way you put it, it looked like one of those joker memes

[Anonymous No.22484602]

>>22484576
lol fair enough. I didn't even think about that.

[Anonymousn No.22484629]

>>22484515
I find it hard to unravel the analogy here. If art is the hand - expressing, I guess, the emotion - then what is the gun?

[Anonymous No.22484639]

>>22484629
The artist. At least that's how I see it.

[Anonymous No.22485074]

i wrote this about something that happened at a party i was at

[Anonymous No.22485082]

>>22485074

[Anonymous No.22485414]

kittens cower in a corner under a coffee table.
They consumate carnality like cockroaches concealed in a crevice.
With cow's cream congealed, they cuddle with compassionate caresses.

The merciless mastiff masticates with a mind to mangle these monsters.
He misbelieves that their cockroach carnality makes a mockery of his masculinity.
With a spiteful serpent's spit he seeks to slake his thirst with a syrup as sweet as steel.
May he make himself mirthful when this malignity is meted out in a malicious mockery of justice?

>>22484515
Your poem beautifully explores the relationship between art and its impact on emotions and actions. It emphasizes that art, like a hand that pulls a trigger, can evoke powerful emotions and reactions in people. The use of the gun and trigger as metaphors for the power of art is striking. It conveys the idea that art is a catalyst for emotions and actions. The contrast between the gun's inanimate state and its potential for harm when someone interacts with it mirrors the contrast between art's existence and its potential to provoke emotions. The poem effectively conveys its message without unnecessary complexity, making it accessible to a wide audience. The imagery of the gun and the act of shooting in the chest leaves a strong visual impression, reinforcing the poem's central idea. It succinctly explores the transformative and potentially impactful nature of art, using a powerful metaphor that lingers in the reader's mind. I rate it 10/10!

[Anonymous No.22485777]

And even in
the morning hour
when there's hope yet
for the day to be won -
that dreams may still come true.
How will I make amends
for the time that was lost?
Those fleeting moments
of hazy mind,
how long
before the sorry world
bleeds
into my heart?

If I could say
anything
anything would be enough
for all the words I've ever heard
lost to the noonday breeze
nothing could compare
to the mundane sobriety
of being with the ones
I thought I knew.
Truly,
if only I had another chance.
maybe tomorrow.

[Anonymous No.22485802]

>>22485414
My guy, did you just ask ChatGPT to review my shit?

[Anonymous No.22485807]

>>22485082
Edgy, but I like it.

[Anonymous No.22485819]

>>22485802
Why, yes I did!

[Anonymous No.22485845]

>>22485819
I respect that.

[Anonymous No.22485866]

>>22485777
Notbad, language is rich, but I really can't remember any of the images or the wordplay you used a second after I'm done with the poem. I feel that the flow it's kinda dull as well.

Don't get me wrong, you're not bad at all, but I found the poem a bit stiff.

[Anonymous No.22485869]

>>22485777
Also, nice trips.

[JKL No.22485890]

>>22484515
MY LIFE WITH SUSAN
BY JKL

My life with Susan,
Started one day in March,
When I couldn't take it anymore.

I found her lying on the ground,
A few blocks before the bridge
I was planning to jump from.

She had a wound on her face,
On her torso,
A small blouse
Riddled with holes beyond repair.

She never looked at me,
But I knew she couldn't stay there alone.

As if nothing happened,
I took her to my house with great care.
Knowing that if anyone asked,
No one would suspect.

Inside,
I bandaged her wounds.
I put my daughter's clothes on her.
Day after day,
I endlessly pampered her.

I gave her love and affection.
I gave her a family.
I gave her peace.

Susan,
On her side,
Quickly stole my heart.

At first,
I was very shy.
I didn't know how to act.

After a while,
I took courage
And dared to steal a kiss from her.

As she didn't resist,
things quickly began to escalate.
With the help of a knife and a pair of scissors,
Our bodies were finally able to merge.

Naturally, there was blood.
A lot, in fact.

How mistakes teach us,
after a few more times,
We finally perfected the technique.

It was great

From then on,
The pleasure never stopped blooming in the bed.

Today,
It's been more than a month
since I met Susan...
And if I'm honest with you,
I couldn't be happier.

So what if she doesn't have arms and legs!
So what if she is cold and stiff!
So what if she could never breathe!

I love her just the way she is.

In the end, she is just like any other women out there:
Plastic and without heart

[Anonymous No.22485892]

>>22485866
thank you.

[Anonymous No.22485910]

>>22485890
So is the protagonist of this poem meant to be sympathetic? Or is this meant to be a satire of misogyny?

[Anonymous No.22486182]

Lakes to mountains,
Mountains to rivers.
Us not for them, but these to us given
To be great grand gables towering above the heavens,
or pools mysterious to ponder upon,
yet be but the blue embroidered pantalettes of the Sun's yawn.

[I No.22486515]

passing through my fingers
these bone white digits
a black wristband.

pulsing ‘round the face
this blood red minute
let down her hand—

winding it up in mine
O clockwork spirit

abandoned

[Anonymous No.22487303]

Can you catch out a cloud
in its breathing,
Or find flaw in
a mother's weaving?

Can you rise faster than
a morning flower,
Or hold back boys from
spinning in showers?

Can you stand firmer than the
earth under stands,
Or radiate warmth gentler than
a father's hands?

Can you surpass God in his
assuaging of fears,
Or be slower than a friend to
answer to tears?

[Anonymous No.22487344]

>>22485890
Lots of edgy poetry today

>>22486182
Nice stuff, not sure about the pantalettes image tho. For one is cheeky, but on the other side it clashes with how classical the rest of the poem feels, maybe it's intentional and if so it's a matter of taste. Great pacing. Good job.

>>22486515
I like it, it is as correct as a poem can be; not a lot of bad to say about it, but also, none of the images stood out specially (I did like the "bone white digits" tho)

>>22487303
Reminds me of Whitman.

[Anonymous No.22487407]

>>22487344
Thanks. I'm the anon who wrote >>22486182 and >>22487303. I agree about the pantalettes image not being so good. I was trying to find a way to describe the sky and the mountains painting a picture in the waters the reverse of what a partly cloudy evening sky looks like without explicitly stating it. I'm not the best at writing poems, lol.

As for the one that reminded you of Whitman; oddly enough, I was thinking I came off a bit too much like Longfellow. Now that you've pointed it out, though, I can see Whitman's influence in it more than Longfellow's. Weird, because I definitely like Longfellow more.

[Anonymous No.22487428]

>>22487407
They are both really nice actually, and now that I know they were both written by the same person, I can definitely see the resemblance. Great work dude.

[Anonymous No.22487453]

>>22484515
When the air is still,

It's not there,

It has left;

Wind is the act of moving.

So too, the universe:

Thought shifted

From the tips of the senses

To the depths of the mind.

Life is nothing more

Than a physical phenomenon

Wishing to continue

Unfolding.

[Anonymous No.22487464]

>>22487453
Sorry, posted an old version:

When the air is still,
It's not there,
It's gone;
Wind is an act of movement.

So too, the universe:
Thought shifting
From the tip of the senses
To the depths of the mind.

[Anonymous No.22487485]

>>22485082
Remarkable how having it in a proper format rather than a post makes a poem read better.
Reckon the stabbing is a bit on the nose, you can imply a guilty conscience without it

[Anonymous No.22487721]

>>22485910
she was already dead when him founded her, read again anon

[Barkun No.22487728]

You can escape.

There is a way I can teach you.

It would take the utmost of skill.

Mind can accomplish anything.

You'll have to let go though.

[Anonymous No.22488487]

>>22484515

Have you guys ever used this site?

https://openingsources.com

[Anonymous No.22488494]

>>22485777

I like the rhythm and structure but I think the poem suffers from too many vague generalities and cliches.

[Anonymous No.22488736]

>>22488487
First time I've heard of it. Sounds kind of gimmicky but I guess the quality would depend of the people involved.

[Anonymous No.22489834]

Noble commander in looks
Mobile rider you ride
Warehouse rat, that
Our country depends upon

Emerging like a whale out
Of sea tide that he glides
When you round around
The corner to next aisle

I think you deserve a song
Oh noble warehouse rat
you! You bringer of foods that
we so depend upon


I don’t like doing digit rates so accept praise and/whore criticism
>>22484515
Pretty good I like it a fair amount. Good rhythm and overall structure and yeah I like what message you seem to me to be going for. It’s interesting I like it.
>>22485082
I like it, honestly I don’t like the choice for Begone though I feel it’s out of place with the rest of the poem.
>>22485777
It’s not bad but it’s just not really affecting me either work on the emotive language a little cause what you have just honestly comes off melodramatic or just a bit cliche. Others will like it though it just sounds like lyrics to an emo song circa 2004 for me
>>22485414
Finally some really poetry
>>22485890
It’s alright it was good honestly til the end and not just cause it is mean spirited but it also just ruined the flow you had going completely.
>>22486182
Not bad, but honestly it’s just not doing much for me. Almost all the lines are pretty good, I just think pantalettes is a great metaphor there. I get you’re going for an archaic style but it just isn’t a beautiful word nor honestly just fitting with describing the sky.

I’ll try to rate more when I’m less tired tomorrow maybe

[Anonymous No.22490512]

>>22489834
Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous No.22490609]

The smell of smoke is in her hair, and ash upon her clothes.
The grey clouds drift so thoughtlessly, fit to burst, yet slow,
Hesistant to release their load and cease the awful show.

The roof collases, the walls cave-in, the fire quick consumes,
The wood and all the furniture of all that was her home.

Her only wish it to fly away, flee the fire and
Release her burning tears, but ah, her tears
Are frozen drops of bright blue crystalline.

[Anonymous No.22490619]

>>22484515
I like the idea that art is akin to an outside force taking hold of us

[Anonymous No.22490651]

>>22484515
The Sorceress has cast her spell
Alas for me! Alas for thee!
Enchanted me to turn and sway
precisely the way she bid me to.
Then, cursed to stillness and stone
hanging on her every word
O how could it have come to this
that dreadful scheming sorceress
a powerful glamer this is:
to inflict on me feelings not mine own.

Many such she has devoured before
no more or less the beast for her beauty
yet the sickly sweet of her siren song
Compels me on and on forevermore.
Good heart and mind begs you, release my binds,
my soul's wonder-lust pins me where I stand.
With your word, finally end this spell.

[Anonymous No.22490950]

>>22489834
Damn I really like your poem. Subject matter is fun, rythm is flawless; felt really good to read.
The mix of grand, epic images with the meniality of the warehouse worker is great.
I love this part: "Oh noble warehouse rat
you!", but I would remove the second "You" that comes right after (I don't now if your working with free verse or metric, I'm too lazy to count the syllables lol If you're working on a set metric, just disregard this suggestion).

[Anonymous No.22491514]

Lowercase eight.
Capital three.

Spaceless weight.
Flowerless bee.

For where there's a feather,
once there were wings.

And once we're together,
like a hug that angel's bring,

Who then will say
"Under the sun, there's nothing new"

When comes that day
when you and I make more than two?

Never before,
would I have believed.

That any day
could be christmas eve.

My heart was broken, in the wintertime.
A toast to the fool, who had it all.

Spring came late in the summertime,
now only the tears come back to fall.

Some may say this poem makes no sense,
in truth, they're probably right.

If I had even a little sense.
We'd never had gotten into that fight.

Now we're seeing other people
and everything's supposed to be fine.

Except I was clutching a glass of scotch,
and you were clutching a glass of wine.

Now we're tangled up in a web of lies,
like Spiderman and Lois Lane,

I may not be your Superman,
but you were always my kryptonite, Mary Jane.

[Anonymous No.22491906]

Turnip sky: Below a trench of pepper
Pips and beryl grass. A looney counting
Coins of Lord Bizarre—who died tomorrow—
Moron? Not an odding chap but founting;
Up and down the flation goes in Tunic
Town where money’s worth a bag of colour.

Doda-doo Doda-dee Doda-die:
“Lord Bizarre the Fool has lost the Royal Eye,”
Think the looney lot of Voodoo zealots—
Free the castle walls from bedlam, Sonny!
Down and down the blade goes in Tunic
Town where money’s worth a bag of colour.

Martyr? Timmy Squail of Lockadale:
Pistol cocked the looney locked the Bizarre
Lord in sight. He shot and shot and shot and
Shot and shot and shot, reload, and shot the
Marti Lord a hundred times in Tunic
Town where money’s worth a bag of colour.

[Anonymous No.22492606]

>>22490950
I think it works with the rhythm, but I also naturally put a small pause between the you’s when saying it out loud to myself. Is Does that not translate back to you naturally and if not I wonder what I could do to make that come across more naturally for others when they’re reciting/reading. It also could be the repetition but I don’t feel like I could remove either you without sacrificing something in the meaning. I’m open to further elaboration on the feedback presented though

[Anonymous No.22492610]

>>22492606
>>22490950
And thank you for reading and saying those nice things, by the way

[Anonymous No.22494111]

>>22485777
>>22488494
agreed; make the “haze” more personable, more ‘personification’ of these events.
still good job

[Anonymous No.22494120]

>>22490609
i like it

[Anonymous No.22494129]

>>22491906
i like it

[Anonymous No.22494180]

>>22494111
>>22494120
>>22494129
it’s my turn now

rekt and rate pls:

I have remembered to enter into the dream, i have passed through, i have remembered to step into my sleep, with what agency did this happen; what happens in this place I call a name? it is there: there i will find myself staring outside of myself, out of my body out of my own mind, really stuck in my dream body, a dream vessel, i have entered into this trance yet again.
Come quickly.
I’m better every night, no two nights are the same, all recurring dreams happen with some sort of flair, but alas, i still dream the same thing every time, i still see the same dream all the time.
Yes it is happening.
What about space being this wasteland and I was afraid to look too closely but the closeness was apparent and the presence was overwhelming and the low hanging glow was abundant, and the rounding rounded me out along with the bend, curling sideways over the outer reaches of a sunken horizon, a clear dawn approaches after i step out of myself, after the dream I will have another.
This is the door I let keep closed.
How about I talk you up to the edge with me, how about this time I leave you hanging out, booster heavy weaponry, lost in a sea, resonant over abundance, glory takes between quickspeak and trial and error deja vu, seemingly tired visions behind wakeful eyes stupid little lucid happenings taking my breath away from me.
Gone is the focus of my own heart, on my own time, i’ve spent less time, there is no freight beyond the curve of the river, the sterile night haunts the sidewalks, little lampposts scream and rally, there time approached like the drawed-shutters storm clouds, blinking out a real song.
Truth be told this was haywire before creation, i don’t mean to uncover more than is warranted, i expect nothing from this. running circles to circle end and circle beginning, to find myself standing backwards. The Lord said get behind me Satan, put out a fire I didn’t start, crawling overhead while the whirl of time happens on below.
Nightmare overhead: arrive to me—and make haste! The little dots all blinked submissively and were no more. Rancid skin of moon, dirty little barn owl, vermin cat, alley cat glowing overhead, past due full moon, glow like diamonds.
Glow on me, light my everything. Where art thou if not everpresent? Who are thee? to not show thou face!
New moon shine on me, don’t you look at me like that. Oyster left a pearl for me, happenings started to dry out; a burning dream replaces a broken mind.
I hear it all happening through the closed door, i hear this coming from miles away, i hear the noise coming, in a place where I have only just arrived.
But those clouds did break; at last! a clear summer night sky.
Like candle flames in the wind.

~

how’d i do boys? i didn’t edit it

[Anonymous No.22494204]

>>22489834
what a cheerful poem; i did enjoy this.
this time i’m bumping

rekt me:
>>22494180

[Anonymous No.22494207]

silly snake son
such standard sights
seek something sublime
stop serving satan

slip south slowly
search somewhere sad
sordid sounds suck
sensual seeds simmer

sought sundown soon
sleep seems safe
stick soft signs
strafe strong slate

thankssss everyone I hoped you liked it

[Anonymous No.22494220]

>>22494207
nice job, nice slithery little poem; i’m lurking in this thread all day

[Anonymous No.22494447]

>>22487464
Rekt me too big bros

[Anonymous No.22494456]

>>22494207
>> Snek says ssss...

Nah but really, it's fun. I like u.

[Anonymous No.22494583]

>>22494456
>>22494220
thanksss anons
my first one wasss better

>>22494180
thisss made me feel lonely and paranoid in a good way
>>22491906
I really liked thisss but you I think you sshould rewrite the lasst two liness of the firsst verse. Or maybe I got the cadenccce wrong.
>>22491514
beautiful, I loved it. But I'm not sssure about the sself-reflexive line.
>>22490651
lovely poem, I particularly enjoyed the firssst versse.
>>22490609
this conjuresss vivid imagess for me, anon. good job!


never ssstop writing.

[Anonymous No.22494948]

>>22488736

It was fun for me when I did it. Now the site doens't load for me anymore so I don't know what it's like now.

[Anonymous No.22495206]

One dimensional heat wave
Years come and go the same
No clouds, no rain, no shade
Under our one dimensional heat wave
Day-long days go day by day
"Say it ain't so,"
Said from the grave

[Anonymous No.22495221]

>>22495206
Damn right. It's so god damn hot right now. I like this poem.