Poetry feedback thread

[Anonymous No.22468168]

In realms unseen by mortal eyes,
Where secrets dwell 'neath starlit skies,
A force unseen, both dark and bright,
Awakens hearts in endless night.

In whispered sighs of midnight's call,
Two souls entwined, they start to fall,
In depths profound, emotions brew,
A cosmic force, both old and new.

The veil of reason torn away,
As passions rise in disarray,
In tangled limbs and fervent kiss,
They dive into the unknown abyss.

A bond that defies earthly time,
In cryptic verses, hearts entwined,
In cosmic dance, they find their place,
Embracing fate's mysterious grace.

Though shadows stretch and horrors creep,
In love's embrace, their secrets keep,
In depths where fear and wonder meet,
Their love, a mystery, bittersweet.

[Anonymous No.22468174]

>>22468168
We lost iamb bros…

[Anonymous No.22468209]

flashes before your eyes
make time go tick tock tick tock
flashes over the hill
make rocks roll down

we're back to basics now
in a rush to be outdated

[Anonymous No.22468227]

>>22468209
Basic and in a rush to be outdated.

[Anonymous No.22468245]

>>22468209
iconic

[Anonymous No.22469013]

Bump

[Anonymous No.22470636]

Bump

[Anonymousn No.22470758]

>>22468168
My main criticism is that there's no real overarching idea here beyond love taking place in a world removed from the ordinary one. None of the images develop or interact; they don't add up to a more complex whole. So it just feels like a chain of vague, kind of familiar, kind of meaningless sentiments.

But I had to google a few lines to make sure it wasn't an actual 19th-century production, so I'll give you that.

[Anonymousn No.22470760]

Posting Keats's Belle Dame sans Merci because I don't have anything of my own to contribute:

O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.

O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
And the harvest’s done.

I see a lily on thy brow,
With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She looked at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan

I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery’s song.

She found me roots of relish sweet,
And honey wild, and manna-dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
‘I love thee true’.

She took me to her Elfin grot,
And there she wept and sighed full sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.

And there she lullèd me asleep,
And there I dreamed—Ah! woe betide!—
The latest dream I ever dreamt
On the cold hill side.

I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—‘La Belle Dame sans Merci
Thee hath in thrall!’

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gapèd wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill’s side.

And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.

[Anonymous No.22470770]

>>22468168
I lie here flustered
Roastie busting miballs on miphone
Out drinking I should be now
Jews what a woe

Jews I say, many Jews
In Israel and all of ecumene
Oh, cannot do a nuke a justice
Bless it with the Promised LandTM?

But what if it's Nick Land?
All my meds I have not replenished
Luckily I lack a phone, phony reality shan't yield no more

What if the solution to this problem now becomes
The unbecoming of a being serving as fuel
What if Jews die out without any Westernerns? Should we genocide Westerners?

Not a bad plan indeed
Sneed feed and seed

[Anonymous No.22470893]

>>22470758

Thanks now how about this


In gardens where eldritch shadows dance so dread,
The wilting roses bloom, their thorns concealed,
Unseen by eyes that seek love's tender grace,
In secret whispers, secrets unfulfilled,
With longing hearts, in cosmic night they pine,
In realms beyond the stars, their fate entwined.

In cryptic verses, ancient runes entwined,
Unveiling truths, where mortal hearts lie dead,
Through cyclopean dreams, where souls do pine,
They seek the answers, knowledge unrevealed,
Yet in the void, their questions go unfulfilled,
And madness blooms in minds that crave love's grace.

The heavens weep, as stars lose their grace,
In cosmic chaos, destinies entwined,
A cosmic tapestry, forever unfulfilled,
Where shadows cast a pall on dreams now dead,
As horrors from the abyss remain concealed,
In endless night, the forlorn hearts do pine.

In dreams of madness, where lost souls do pine,
Through eldritch realms, where sanity's misplaced,
They glimpse the horrors, long since concealed,
As ancient beings' destinies entwined,
In darkest depths, where hopes and dreams lie dead,
Their yearning hearts forever unfulfilled.

In whispered laments, desires unfulfilled,
The echoes of their sorrows endlessly pine,
In crypts below, where secrets turn to dead,
The roses wither, leaving love no grace,
In cosmic webs, their fates forever entwined,
As terrors from the abyss remain concealed.

In fevered visions, secrets lie concealed,
In shadowed corners, yearning hearts unfulfilled,
In tales of cosmic horror, stars entwined,
Where desperate souls in madness ever pine,
In realms beyond, where gods have fallen from grace,
The roses wither, love's sweet scent now dead.

The roses wilt, in gardens of the dead,
In cosmic voids, where truths remain concealed,
In starless skies, where love has lost its grace,
Unrequited souls, in sorrow unfulfilled,
In endless night, where dreams and hopes do pine,
Their fates, like ancient gods, forever entwined.

In cosmic tapestries, where all is dead,
The wilting roses, secrets still concealed,
Unquenched desire, unfulfilled, they pine.

[Anonymous No.22471084]

>>22468168
Last line of the third stanza is off metrically. One too many syllables or something. Not bad, but what's with the horror elements at the end? It seemed like a romantic poem at first but it's confusing in the end.

[Anonymous No.22471557]

>>22471084
Horror elements were written from the first to the last stanzas. Please read again

[Anonymous No.22472679]

Bump

[Anonymousn No.22472690]

>>22470893
This one's even more like a unstructured soup of images!

But the fact that you push it so far makes it more interesting. It's kind of hallucinatory, seeing the same phrases circle around and around. If you're trying to communicate how it must feel to be a lovelorn shade, wandering upon the asphodel, in a permanent twilight, then I think it's successful.

(Incidentally, it reminds me a little bit of the circling repetition of John Ashbery's Hotel Lautremont: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/52162/hotel-lautreamont))

[Anonymous No.22472767]

>>22468168
Poetry is gay, metre is hard.

[Anonymous No.22472886]

>>22472767
No but seriously, how can I into poetry?

[Anonymous No.22473017]

>>22472886
Fussell's Poetic Meter and Poetic Form

[Anonymous No.22473054]

>>22472886
Read the poets of your people. I never liked poetry until I read Heaney and Yeats

[Anonymous No.22473102]

>>22471557
They're subtle though. "dark and bright", "a cosmic force both old and new" it sounds like you're talking about love in the abstract, or the duality of love/lust. I didn't see it as horror until you said it was there.

[Anonymous No.22474186]

>>22473102
>I didn't see it as horror until you said it was there.
finally getting it, anon

[Anonymous No.22474589]

This is actually a very good poem OP, well done. My sole criticism is that you adhere to the iambic meter too hard. The meter of your choice sets up the rhythm, and you create effect by diverging from your rhythm. For example it would probably be better to write something like "a deep force" (spondee), which emphasizes the largeness and deepness in this case of the force, and also breaks the rhythm, thus creating a surprising effect and grabbing attention.
Also, read Fussel like another anon already said
Mention me when you make it.

[Anonymous No.22474642]

>>22468168
>dwell 'neath
Ayo nigga you literally removed a fucking syllable that complemented an iamb just to sound fancy and oldtimey? Fuck you and your gayass poetry

[Anonymous No.22474650]

>>22473017
>>22474589
Fussell's final analysis is that meter is quite useless for modern english and the language will always be dominated by blank/free verse.

[Anonymous No.22474658]

>>22474642
>that complemented an iamb
What? The line is all iambs as rendered in the OP. It would be wrong in multiple ways if he'd used "beneath". Am I missing something here?

[Anonymous No.22475745]

>>22474658
He is a retard or trolling

[Anonymous No.22475854]

>>22474650
>Free verse
How would that even work?

[Anonymous No.22476028]

>>22468168
Extremely repetitive, you're just hammering the same idea over and over and in some cases even the language is redundant, you say Unseen twice in 5 seconds, and arguably more than that if you count indirectly, something is unseen, secret, benighted, etc...like, I get it anon. The grandiosity of the language also makes this meandering impression all the worse, the words already big and long don't clearly go anywhere and seem to circle. I think more literal and definite descriptions would help, employ some similes.

I'd post my attempts but it's too cringe.

[Anonymous No.22476828]

>>22476028
>Extremely repetitive, you're just hammering the same idea over and over and in some cases even the language is redundant, you say Unseen twice in 5 seconds, and arguably more than that if you count indirectly, something is unseen, secret, benighted, etc...like, I get it anon. The grandiosity of the language also makes this meandering impression all the worse, the words already big and long don't clearly go anywhere and seem to circle. I think more literal and definite descriptions would help, employ some similes.

Post ur poetry

[Anonymous No.22477604]

bump