[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 693 KB, 710x615, 123232132132.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226671 No.2226671 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/ aspiring writer here. Here's a little something I just wrote after a hard day of driving places and dealing with idiots

http://pastebin.com/SqkZu9PU

CONSTRUCTIVE criticism always welcome

>> No.2226674

bump

>> No.2226684

hope you like it bump

>> No.2226692
File: 13 KB, 436x291, shakespeare_sonnets_bonnets.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226692

>bumps twice in 5 minutes
You must be new here...

>> No.2226694

>>2226692
Well I've only been here twice. So yeah, you're right.

>> No.2226706

>>2226694
see, at its fastest, it takes like 10 minutes for a thread to be bumped off the front page on /lit/

also I guess you deleted your story?

>> No.2226708
File: 27 KB, 513x447, the dude.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226708

>>2226671
It actually held my interest, pretty good man. A bit cliche, eg. American Psycho, Dexter but hey what isn't cliche these days <--cheers

>> No.2226719
File: 62 KB, 803x726, 1322355985724.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226719

>>2226706
I put the 10 minute timer on it my mistake

http://pastebin.com/7NNQ8GD0 REUPLOAD

>>2226708
I've never seen Dexter but I know what it is and American Psycho is one of my favorite movies and glad you enjoyed it

>> No.2226731

This reads like a sick kid's fantasy, not the narration of an adult man.

>> No.2226737
File: 9 KB, 154x200, 1321326410721.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226737

>>2226719
No problem, If you liked the movie, you should give the book a go. It can be tedious at times with descriptions of suits and other designer apparel but I think it might be of help to you in writing murder scenes for your story. Ellis writes in such cold and unflinching way.

>> No.2226740

>>2226731
Now I kind of wish I had put it from the perspective of an adolescent teen.

>> No.2226751

>>2226737
I will definitely check it out thanks.

>> No.2226772

>>2226740
Don't bother, unless you want to make it something more than what it is. Turn it into a sadistic reverie with a counterpoint/contrast of the kid being a high school jock or something and make it a point about power and privilege. As a real experience being re-told it lacks any authenticity whatsoever.

>> No.2226777

>>2226772
Well, it was just a random story I didn't really put that much thought into it but I get what you mean.

>> No.2226787

>>2226719
>With tears welling up in his eyes
Like a PIMP is going to cry if a 18 year old kid threatens him and then let him get away.

>I was in no way aroused
>She began to undress me and soon we were going at it like rabbits

I don't know. It doesn't sound convincing.

>> No.2226788

>>2226777
Yeah, I understand, I'm not jumping all over you, I'm just saying there's not much interesting to it and the narrator's voice is off. It's not particularly poorly written, it's just not written adequately for the subject matter itself. I think if you do read American Psycho and you pick up on the themes and subtext of his personal relations and see them mirrored in his narration of his murders, you'll look back on what I'm saying and go "Ahhhh, ok."

>> No.2226796

I couldn't get myself to read past the 2nd period.

Then I made an effort and did anyway, well, I am glad it was as short as it was.

I suppose it's fine, or whatever, but I don't really get why I would want to read it if you hadn't asked me to.

Oh yeah successful but unhappy guy has it all but finds ultimate pleasure in that which is the most forbidden. Not exactly a novel take on anything, nothing is explored, it's just sort of gore-like, but with no tension or excitement, just stating whatever.

It reads a bit like someone writing a letter to someone else, and it has the right length, maybe you should use that format instead.

If it was meant to be emotional, it isn't, the violence in it seems deliberated and forced, and the every aspect of the story formulaic.

>> No.2226802

>>2226787
I was just poking fun at the BIG BAD GUYS WHO RUN THE STREETS, YEAH NIGGA lol

>I don't know. It doesn't sound convincing.

I could've explained that better. Thank you for the feedback.

>> No.2226806

>>2226802
Yeah, I guess that he got aroused with the idea of killing or something, but it wasn't explained. Keep it up, tons of practice is where it's at.

>> No.2226809

>>2226796
I see where you're coming from, this short 'story' if you can call it that took maybe an hour to write and I made very little thought besides the concept of what you stated. Thanks for reading though.

>> No.2226816

>>2226796
>He expects a story posted on 4chan to have some sort of original thought

A spoiled literary child you are and one that has his shitty anus wiped with cloths soaked in pretentiousness and alcohol!

>> No.2226821

>>2226809
Yeah sorry if I came off as a bit harsh, more effort just writing it than I ever get around to! So kudos on that, but yeah, I just miss maybe some more... how to say it... a sort of a red thread between what happened and what is happening, and so much of what we're told about the character doesn't really seem to have anything to do with him. And with a very short story, it just ends up feeling very messy if it's not very well strung together.

With a longer story you can weave useless information from one place in, so it becomes important and you go "AHAAAA!!!! So that's why I was told that!"

>> No.2226828

>>2226816
Oh please

>> No.2226830

>>2226821
Right on, man!

>> No.2226832

>>2226828
That was a good metaphor do not lie.

>> No.2226858
File: 10 KB, 285x237, 1322415816832.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
2226858

Thanks again everyone for reading and for the very helpful advice. You rock!

>> No.2226898

>>2226671

I agree with most of the above comments. The voice is off. I envision a serial killer's voice to be more deliberate and atavistic. The sex scene is awful, as are most literary sex scenes that are overly long or descriptive (murderous or otherwise).

Plus, this is Dexter, American Psycho and Joyce Carol Oates' "Zombie". It's been done.

However, I have a feeling you don't completely suck at writing. I'd definitely care to see something else. Better subject, a little bigger sample.

>"I decided that instant to kill her"

You don't really have to project like that. Don't be overly revelatory, and the reader, in this instance, probably knows where this is going anyway.