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/lit/ - Literature

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22246741 No.22246741 [Reply] [Original]

Harold suddenly woke up to find a Man smashing his legs in with a length of metal piping, "I say," shouted Harold, "be off with you," and he reached for his dog, who he kept beside his bed. Harold leveled the dog at the Man and iterated his previous command, and this time the Man fled, leaving a trail of scum behind him on the floor.

Harold fell upon the floor at once; he was eyeing the trail of scum with his magnifying glass, "fascinating, fascinating," he was muttering, "where did he come from?" he mused, and, "how did he enter my estates?"


Now, if this scenario resonates with you as a near daily occurrence, reader, you may be interested in purchasing Offmans tapered steel spikes which are guaranteed to impede the delivery of a ruffians footpads to act of hoodlumery by the scientific process of impalation of the foot and the ball of heel. Of his own accord the ruffian will sound the alarm and your servants will be swift to apprehend him, and they will be safe-assured in their Offmans reinforced steel boots which are designed to avert the iatrogenesis of Offmans tapered steel spikes from impeding their own progress toward the goal of apprehension.

Few Gentlemen are aware that the purchase of a bounty-box of Offmans tapered steel spikes accompanies with it the inclusion of a pair of Offmans reinforced steel boots.

Let us revisit the earlier scenario and add to the equation the inclusion of these two amenities.


Harold suddenly woke to find his servant, Chidesworth, having knocked upon his bedroom door, "sorry'm to bother you's, master, but we is captured another pesk dang Irishlander," and at this Harold began to laugh and laugh, rolling like a babe in his great bed in the knowledgeable comfort of assured security.

But then he noticed that Chidesworth walked with a limp and he became aware then of his only mistake: to not have purchased several addition pairs of Offmans reinforced steel boots.

>> No.22246896

Sauce? Absolute gold

>> No.22247512

>>22246896
Tabasco.

>> No.22247600

>>22246741
Is this from Ulysses? Don’t post spoilers, I haven’t read that yet.

>> No.22247647

>>22247600
>Ulysses
I'm nut shaw wever to be offended, loik, toby compare too the yon Jams Joyke..

I preferred the feedback of "kafka, but not depressed."