/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.2218776]

how's the prose?

Out toward the center (or was it the near side) if the lake, hewn in as it was between grey industrial streets and trafficked intersections, a car was being towed up toward the rippled surface, its hazard lights flashing an orange hue directly opposed to that of the clinous evening sky, or perhaps the atmospheric ash purple of the mountain rising into whorls of cirrus. Through the smog rising aimlessly in the wind, through their respective reflections in the second story window, the contours of the lake blended into the strip of shore and brush where it terminated, expanding and receding. Their breath formed long directional ellipses toward each other, nearly meeting at their distended apex before receding back toward their origins. The scene beyond the window flattened against the surface of the glass.

[Anonymous No.2218786]

>directly opposed to that of the clinous evening sky

what does this mean? In any case, my advice to you is less is more. You are overwriting. I am not saying you are a bad writer; you're just doing what pretty much everybody else does when they start out. Big words and excessive descriptions don't help tell a story.

[Anonymous No.2218789]

>a car was being towed up toward the rippled surface
the "was being" sort of ruins the momentum of the beginning
>flashing an orange hue directly opposed to that of
your writing is angular, and I like that, but reword this as well
>clinous
?
>long directional ellipses
nix "direction", the alliteration will take care of the rest
>distended apex
Again, a little too angular
>The scene beyond the window flattened against the surface of the glass.
Implying the surface was 3d on the glass? Work with it a little.
Work on it, OP. It's got potential.

[Anonymous No.2218792]

>>2218786
>what does this mean?

directly opposite in hue (across the color wheel from)

perhaps true i am overwriting

[Anonymous No.2218803]

>>2218789
thanks for the detail.

cline-like; as in, gradient

i think the 'was being' is in there for the purpose of indicating a passive posture, with which i attribute to the characters which follow in this sequence.

[Anonymous No.2218821]

I dig it, but I agree with what was said earlier in the thread, it's a little overdone. I think maybe what you should try doing as an exercise is to rewrite it so it's bare-bones as possible. Like where you write things like "...hewn in as it was between grey industrial streets and trafficked intersections..." you could get rid of stuff like "as it was" and maybe replace words like trafficked with something a little simpler like 'busy.' Pretty much anything that isn't essential to overall meaning/structure. I think you probably won't like it anymore when you rewrite it like this, and you'd be right to do so because it will remove a lot of what makes your writing 'yours,' but it might help you to decide on what you think is really really important as far as any kinda embelishment/description

[Anonymous No.2218829]

Feels like knock-off Raymond Chandler. If you aren't consciously imitating him you might consider dipping into his work for help in building better rhythm into what someone above helpfully called your angular prose.

[Anonymous No.2218831]

>>2218821
this is a good idea. i think, and maybe this is what everyone's getting at, that the syntax is perhaps a little convoluted? I guess i'm just having a hard time fitting these words around an image that feels very concrete in my mind

[Anonymous No.2218839]

>>2218829
I read Chandler's "the swimmer" about 7 or so months ago but haven't returned to him though i really ought to as i seem to remember liking what i read of it (quickly for an assignment). To be honest, and perhaps the 'angular' monicker is something i've picked up in reading gaddis' later novels in the last month (though i'd never want to make the blasphemous comparison).

[Anonymous No.2218843]

>>2218839
>I read Chandler's "the swimmer" about 7 or so months ago
Brofist.
Watch the movie, it's hilarious.

[Anonymous No.2218846]

>>2218843
checking netflix now

[Anonymous No.2218874]

one last bump before i delete this thread. thanks all for the earnest critique

[Anonymous No.2218890]

>>2218874
Who is chick in first pic, OP?

[Anonymous No.2218915]

>>2218890
>>2218890
evangeline lily

[Anonymous No.2218944]

>>2218915
Coolio.
Delete away, OP.