OC General

[Anonymous No.2211720]

OC poetry/critique thread?

I produced this pitch black material after watching Shallow Grave last night. If you want to give me your opinion, it would be appreciated.

Perhaps, He can, through the roofholes, see
what they do, the strange men.
Because the light they shine on me is blinding
and white,
like the noise they blare at me all night.
I cannot see the strange men,
but I think they may be cool.

As they wrench my head up from the bowl,
I may have time to gasp:
"This bowl did not pour the blood that fills it."
But they would not get it. And,
as they lift the breezeblocks from the freezer door,
I might have time to shiver:
"This freezer did not birth the bones it chills."

But when they produce the electric drill,
I will have only time to scream:
"I do not know." And I do not know,
oh strange men, oh laughing girl.
Will vases remind me of your silhouettes?
Oh strange cool men: if you must,
then drown me, but please dear God not drill me.

[Dr. Seussicide (SLAF) No.2211731]

I was going to Sylvia Plath
but my coocker was electric
Then I was going to drown myself
but I can't swim that good
looking back this would be helpful
I did not realise this at the time
So now I dropped out of college
got a job a denny's as a dishwasher
I have sex with the head waitress
she is twice my age (46)
She wears hears everyday
IN A FUCKING RESTAURANT
Not really, more cafe/dinner
and it isn't really heels
we fuck to seinfield repeats.

[Anonymous No.2211749]

>it would be appreciated.
>passive voice
ISHYGDDT

[Anonymous No.2211766]

>>2211731
Actually kinda really like this.
Dunno if you meant it as a joke.

[Anonymous No.2211777]

Enantiomeric
Houses down the street
Not all exactly alike, but
Alike still.

Like the lives they contain, like all lives
Individual differences are only a matter of zooming out
Everybody’s a statistic, if you lump them together in big groups.

Emily likes the basement. It gets warm and dry with the heater and the clothes-dryer.
It seems cozy, never scary, really. Dark and cozy, like a foxhole. You’re safe in the basement.
There’s fathers tools, and buckets of paint, and the winter-covers in the big chest.
But Emily can’t stay there. There are other people now.
She’s stayed overlong
Already.


Copying from a word-document, I'd written it up with artistic spacing and stuff like that ( Oh, don't look at me like you don't do it, too. ) - dunno if that stuff stays when you just ctrl+c/v into the commentbox

[Anonymous No.2211790]

I quite like it as it is. I haven't seen the artistic spacing, but I'm not sure it'd be necessary. Perhaps take a screenshot?

[Anonymous No.2211796]

>>2211720
I like this. It reminds me of Philip Larkin.

I have a few stories on Goodreads. Anyone's welcome to tell me what they think.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/list/5180681

[Anonymous No.2211830]

>>2211796
Just read your "Sea of Love" story. Your intro suggests something witty and has a kind of pseudo-Victorian tone, but what follows is a story with lots of hellish imagery, narrated by a teenager. It might be an idea to change this, to make it seem less incongruous. Also, perhaps you go a bit heavy with the adjectives sometimes. Consider the sentence:

>On a bone-chilling December Wednesday, on one of those bleary and awful evenings when the sound of the dry wind blowing through the bare New England trees is enough to cause frostbite, I found myself in the dim of my room, on yet another day off from term.

Not to say your story isn't intriguing, by the way - I would read more of your stuff.

[Anonymous No.2211837]

>>2211720
Hey it be Thanksgiving it's turkey time
My bitch be in the kitchen sprinkling thyme
on the bird, damn smells good
I sneak up from behind and start licking her clitoral hood
Mmm it's tasty I get a little hasty and I decide to stick my dick in my lady
I spurt out my man gravy on her face
like a cum mace
Then I clean up and watch re-runs of Will and Grace

[Anonymous No.2212133]

Bump

Let's see some more OC.

[Anonymous No.2212142]

>>2211837
This.

[Anonymous No.2212219]

I've posted this once before

What disposition will extol a drink more tears then ethanol?
Whimper fingers wet the basal pulpit arcing,
Diffuse the glimmer from the forebrain, barking!
Not the sole transfusion, water falls
Refracting, shows the coarseness of the walls
Shade the fuel that sweats on our diffuseness
Facejacket cold-blockade and Lambert looseness

Ocean water’s going diving
Translucent children say, it’s leaving
But far, in the punctured weave, the breathing
Of all the headburned half afloat ones
And all their musing’s skyward seething

Now never count the steps that walk you in
The spiracles that dot your head breathe in
In all the land abandon symbol’s sale
And vomit in, a monopalate meal
regurgitate, in tongues
The efficient self-deceiving spiel
Of another surreptitious autocrat
Not worth a damn, our labour’s yield
The night’s still young - I’ll drink to that

[Anonymous No.2212240]

Once upon a time, Dale Meiners got mad at me
He was very disappointed in me
At 2:00 AM on March 5, 1996, Dale Meiners gave me a war hell ride
I deserved a war hell ride

As Dale Meiners gave me a war hell ride
I told Dale Meiners to get off my case
Suddenly, I threw him against the van
I wanted to duke his scrawny ass up and smash his face at about 2:10 AM that morning
I deserved a war hell ride

As we left the Bottleneck, me and Dale yelled at each other
He called me a fucking asshole
I called him a fucking dipstick
It was my fault for not being cool in Lawrence, Kansas that morning
I deserved a war hell ride

Budweiser, I'm proud to be your Bud

[Anonymous No.2212259]

Do something about your long, filthy hair
It looks like a rat's nest
Do something about your mullet
Get out the hair clippers,

Get the rat's nest off your head
Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull
Take your ass to the barber shop
Tell the barber that you're sick of looking like an asshole

The mullet is the reason why people hate you
They are sick of looking at your nappy weed-sack
Nobody wants to look at you with that mullet on your head
Why don't you cut that mullet, you numbskull