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/lit/ - Literature

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[ERROR] No.2196686 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/ I'm normally a poet, but what do you think of my prose? A worrying degree of it is autobiographical, and it bears much similarity to pic related.

Tom, Tom, Tom...

When we were singing our hymns, I saw you for who you really are. You may think you're handsome, but I've learned just how kindly God takes to your insolence. While I was praising God (and you were laughing at some rude joke), He let me see. And I saw you: your tongue - long, black, pointed - sticking out while you giggle (if only you knew it!), and your head: hairless as a billiard ball, with skin that fades from red to green like the flesh of an apple. You must be glad I finally set about doing something. And I'm doing so, because... Tom, Tom, Tom - you are my favourite word to write. I'd have filled this page with your name, if I hadn't so many important things to tell you.

Which reminds me: we have to meet. I'll be by the tree at the school gate at the end of the day. We can wait there until we're alone. And remember: what I feel for you isn't shallow, like all these girls who say you're handsome. Because (need I remind you?) I am the only person who knows you're not! I have seen your spirit - the real you - and Christ was it a hideous sight. But let's not worry. I've been praying for you for seven days already.

You'll see something in your dreams soon: God, Jesus, or me.

Please meet me, Tom; I love you.
Kyle

>> No.2196689
File: 51 KB, 576x416, 1293703166955[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
[ERROR]

At first it's very intriguing, some abiguity in the situation, then it becomes clear it's kinda a love story, so I was, like, "d'awww", and then the surprising end, gripping the unsuspecting reader and shouting him in the face " GAY GAY GAY GAY OMG GAY" Alt+F4 Alt+F4 Alt+F4, run into the bathroom and wash eyes out with soap.

>> No.2196690

Thanks for the feedback anon. I lol'd and it's much appreciated.

>> No.2196711

I don't think that your use of Christ as an expletive ("and Christ was it a hideous sight") is consistent in tone for someone who probably believes that taking the Lord's name in vain is a sin.

Your writing is very plain, but I think it suits the character/narrator you've created, enough so that I'm intrigued by what will happen next.

>> No.2197552

>>2196711
That's a good point. I'll rewrite the Christ part.

As for what happens next, I'm not entirely sure. I might make a collection of Kyle's letters to Tom, that will allow the reader to infer what's been happening. Perhaps there will be an odd note from Tom to Kyle, or snippets of an omniscient narrator. I'm not sure.

I'm working on the next letter and the re-writes now. Thanks for the help anon.