/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.21964240]

>My brother, Anthony, killed himself on a cool Thursday afternoon in April, a few weeks before his medical school graduation. He was 26.

>He was staying with our parents in the New York suburbs. On his laptop, he read the New York Times and flipped through our sister’s vacation photos. He corresponded with a mentor and asked potential landlords about on-street parking during his upcoming residency.

>On Wikipedia, he read about Baal Shem Tov, an 18th century Jewish mystic who our father says is our ancestor, and the pop-punk band Rancid, which rocked his adolescence. He searched for suicide notes and sites on famous last words and asked Google,
>“How many times does a human heart beat in a life?”

>Anthony had a longtime fixation on losing his hair. In chat rooms he visited, balding men vented and swapped treatment tips. Anthony researched the effects of antidepressants and antidepressant withdrawal on hair loss. He read pages on Prince William – did balding “hasten his engagement?”—and a site called Baldcelebrity.com.
>Anthony was not noticeably balding.

>Two weeks before he died, Anthony tried to procure [a toxic chemical] from dealers in Asia. They told him it was only available in industrial quantities. When a representative at a scientific supply company in Ohio asked about his order, he concocted an elaborate lie about using it to clean precious metals:

>"All work with this chemical is done under a recirculating chemical fume hood at a solution concentration of 1 g/L...[using] this solution, I use a face shield and PVC gloves to protect myself from inadvertent contamination or spills. Release of HCN from this solution is prevented by the alkaline pH of the solution.”

[Anonymous No.21964244]

>>21964240
RIP

[Anonymous No.21964245]

>>21964240
>The rep accepted his explanation but when the order didn’t ship as soon as Anthony had hoped he wrote again to see what was taking so long. His package arrived a few days later.

>On April 7, 2011, Anthony went for a run and then joined my father, Edward, and sister, Anna, while they ate lunch. They talked about “Anna Karenina,” which Anthony was reading, and Ukraine, where Anna and her husband had just vacationed. Anthony was acting erratic, Anna said, getting up several times and returning with piles of papers. After lunch he went outside. “He was doing leaps on the lawn,” my mother said. “I mean, a type of activity that I've never seen him do. Just balletic. Just leaping up into the air very gracefully.”

>“He's feeling lighthearted again,” she thought.
>“Things are going to be fine. It's been a really rough winter.”

>Anthony was in medical school at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and he had plans to drive down and see a string quartet that evening with his girlfriend. As the afternoon advanced, Anthony kept changing his mind about whether to go. Eventually he took some sandwiches our mother prepared and abruptly drove off. Our father stayed around the house and Anna and my mother headed separately into Manhattan. Sometime that afternoon, Anthony texted his date, “In jersey but there’s a lot of traffic” and then “Really not moving :(. Will keep you posted.” He returned home and climbed upstairs to a flat section of the roof.

>Standing in the gray spring light, he photographed himself with his phone. He’s wearing a sweater over a sky blue oxford shirt. One picture frames him in a lower corner gripping his hair, looking up at the camera. He’s wearing thin-framed glasses and a few days’ worth of beard. He is handsome; the picture could be a fashion ad. In another shot, he stares directly at the camera, head tilted slightly, lips closed.

>After Anthony took the poison, my father heard a thump from downstairs and found Anthony in spasms on the roof next to a volume of Shakespeare and a pack of Gauloises cigarettes. He didn’t leave a note.

[Anonymous No.21964255]

Wut? How this /lit/, respectfully? pbuh

[Anonymous No.21964256]

>>21964240
>Suicide is an inexplicable act that forces survivors to seek an explanation. For someone as gifted and lucky as Anthony, the initial impulse is to think the reason must be equal to his violence, to the pain he caused. In the two years since he died, however, no terrible secret or disgrace has surfaced. Anthony’s story is subtler and more frightening and it doesn’t feel like an answer.

>We worried about Anthony, especially in his final year, but his behavior was like so many other high-achieving Americans: He ate too healthily, exercised too much, studied too hard. He could be vain, but elites often are. Behind his veneer of well-being, he cannonballed through as robust a safety net as anyone with a mental illness could reasonably have, including two psychiatrists in his immediate family. In the emails and instant messages I clicked through after his death, he occasionally acknowledged his despair, but in life he mostly passed for a pampered and high-strung striver at a crucial moment in his career.

>In elementary school Anthony was popular and stood out as a soccer player. On Friday afternoons he came home to do his homework so he could enjoy himself all weekend. After going to an academic camp in middle school, he began giving himself an education. “He did things oftentimes in a very deliberate way,” Anna recalled. Anthony would “be aware that this was an author he needed to read” like Dostoevsky, and then read the novelist because the kind of person he wanted to be would have read him. He was always comfortable asking questions about what he was learning, whether that meant talking medicine with my father’s oncologist friend or quizzing our Guatemalan housekeeper on technicalities in Spanish grammar.

>He grew enamored with Thoreau in high school and one weekend sophomore year he took the train to Boston. We don’t know if he reached Walden Pond but more than a decade later both my sister and father remembered the trip as an attempt to run away. “I was both really excited for him and really didn't understand what he was doing, or what he wanted,” Anna said. “I think he spent the train ride dodging the conductor and sitting in the bathroom so he wouldn't have to buy a ticket.”

>“For 10 minutes we said, ‘Well maybe it’s some psychiatric issue,’" my father, who is a psychiatrist, said. “And in retrospect it doesn’t seem like [the trip] was wrong, but it was sort of peculiar. You don’t know what was going on.” As in several later episodes, the Thoreau excursion feels less like independent mindedness than failed rebellion.

[Anonymous No.21964260]

>>21964256
>as robust a safety net as anyone with a mental illness could reasonably have, including two psychiatrists in his immediate family
poor bastard

[Anonymous No.21964265]

>>21964240
>In school, “He did everything exactly how it should be done or you fantasize it should be done,” my father said. Even as he excelled, Anthony’s good looks and athleticism freed him from the social death of being a smart kid in high school. “He was very handsome, [he had] a lot of girlfriends, and he was invited to do everything,” my mother said. ”He really was a star. You just felt better when you were around him ... If you were his friend, you felt as you've elevated yourself in a way, and I think that was the draw, but he wasn't a snob. I don't think he had a great sense of humor, but he appreciated people who did. He himself was not lighthearted, he wasn't jovial and spontaneous, I don't think, but I think he liked to be around people who were.”

>I knew so little of this before Anthony died. I was five years older and left for boarding school when he was 9. We never lived in the same place again or spoke with any regularity. We caught up during school vacations and exchanged terse emails about hanging out more, but neither of us made it a priority. We’d always have adulthood to know each other.

>From afar I heard news of Anthony’s emergence as an academic superstar. And like an imperial power amused by an upstart colony, I couldn’t believe that my little brother, whom I remember coming downstairs grumpy in blue pajamas, was so impressive. “He was a perfectionist. Ninety-five, to him, was a failing grade,” my mother said. “He was also very generous with his knowledge. He helped people a lot, in school … He wanted everyone to succeed.”

>Anna remembers the kind letters he sent her when they were at summer camp, signed, “love, your bro.” Yet he could be blind to others’ needs, thinking nothing, for example, of asking her to drive him back to college, rather than taking the bus, so he could keep his study schedule and save some money. She drove two hours out of her way to do it, because she’s uncommonly kind and she loved his company. “He never felt like he was in a rush with other people. If he was with you, he felt very present. If he was speaking to you, it felt like he was focused on you. He wasn't multitasking.”

>Anna, who’s now a resident in psychiatry in Manhattan, said, “His selfishness served him well academically but became exacerbated by his disease. He couldn't have empathy for himself, or for others. He couldn’t think of the effect that his death would have on all of us. He lost the capacity to see an honest reflection of himself and in turn lost the capacity to be able to think about how much we loved him, wanted to help him and would be devastated by his death.” She allowed that, “Maybe he wanted to hurt us in this way but that is both very hard and very painful to believe. His illness was very powerful and challenged who he was.”

[Anonymous No.21964285]

>>21964265
>>Anna, who’s now a resident in psychiatry in Manhattan, said, “His selfishness served him well academically but became exacerbated by his disease. He couldn't have empathy for himself, or for others. He couldn’t think of the effect that his death would have on all of us. He lost the capacity to see an honest reflection of himself and in turn lost the capacity to be able to think about how much we loved him, wanted to help him and would be devastated by his death.” She allowed that, “Maybe he wanted to hurt us in this way but that is both very hard and very painful to believe. His illness was very powerful and challenged who he was.”
god i hate women, look at this shit

[Anonymous No.21964291]

>>21964240

lmao he died over balding? damn lol. It's crazy how you cease to exist if something truly random like that changes the opinion of women

[Anonymous No.21964298]

>>21964240
>After his junior year of high school, Anthony fled the suburbs for an international school in northeast Italy, near Trieste. “This year abroad would set my life on a new trajectory,” he wrote later in a 100-plus-page work of autobiographical writing, titled “Yuppie Love.” This composition, which he continued to revise during medical school, is spiked with a lacerating contempt for himself and other privileged people -- “yuppies” -- who can’t escape convention, an attitude that was rarely apparent in his public persona. Going to Italy, he wrote, “was a step ladder leading me out of this pool of shit, and I'd be a fool not to use it. This, I promised myself.” In the piece, Anthony described his year abroad:

>Perhaps it was too exciting, too wonderful. Ten years after being in Italy, I feel cheated, lied to. Italy, the Adriatic sea, the teachers of the United World College, the strangers we met in bars and trains, everyone told us that life was beautiful and fascinating, that anything was possible, that goodwill and understanding and interesting, impassioned conversations periodically pregnated with long silences and deep eye contact could bring any two people together … Yes, Italy was good, too good in fact, and my life now is too bad, and it is the difference that is too much for me to bear.

>In medical school Anthony asked for my thoughts on this manuscript and I didn’t read it. If I’d bothered I might have discovered a segment in which his friends in Italy discuss suicide in a smoke-infused dialogue thick with mentions of Camus and Nietzsche. At one point, Anthony calls suicide a “pretty viable option” for “Hemingway, Van Gogh, Kurt Cobain” and on the next page reveals his previous thoughts of suicide: “I wanted to scratch this itch with a knife.” One of this work’s two epigraphs comes from Chekhov: “I find it somehow sad and shameful to admit, even to myself, that my youth has passed entirely without love.”

>Anthony applied to college from Italy and scheduled his Harvard interview in Milan, a few hours from his school. When he arrived for the appointment, my father said the interviewer “acted like he didn’t even know an interview was scheduled.” Anthony felt like he had wasted his time. For whatever reason, he didn’t get in to Harvard.

>“I remember thinking that it was actually really great,” Anna said when we spoke recently in her Upper East Side apartment. We were sitting at a table passing her baby, Natan, back and forth as he babbled and grabbed. “I thought it was important to have some kind of disappointment in life.”

[Anonymous No.21964300]

>>21964265

What disease did he have? I ain't reading all that shit

[Anonymous No.21964303]

>>21964240
>Anthony returned from Italy the day of his senior prom. There’s a picture of him getting dressed that evening in black pants and a tuxedo shirt, his mouth a stern little line, hands posed on his stomach, elbows out like a dancer, haughty as a Russian princeling. In Italy, “He met people who were more matched for him, who he could relate to on an intellectual level,” his high school friend Jordan Bronstein said. He also “realized that he had a pretty good life.” A few days after prom, Anthony graduated as valedictorian of New Rochelle High School.

>If Harvard’s rejection upset Anthony – my folks disagree — he showed the resiliency you’d hope to see after a minor setback. He went to Brown and his life of academic and social success continued amid the extracurricular delights of an Ivy League education. He played a young tough in “Romeo and Juliet,” made worldly friends, lived in a university Spanish-speaking house and worked as a medical technician in Spain one summer.

>“He was really enamored by the Italian lifestyle,” his friend Andrew Matheny said. After dinner freshman year, Anthony liked to host coffee- and boxed wine-fueled salons, cafe culture-inspired happenings in his uninspiring dorm room. Afterward Anthony and Andrew often played chess. Later on they would go on double dates and on roads trips with their group of friends.

>Freya Zaheer, who began dating Anthony junior year, remembered two sides to him. He was like an “amazing 19th century romantic literary hero” who read her “Venus and Adonis” and biked around Providence with her perched on the back. “It was so wonderful to spend time with him and when you didn’t get him you felt deprived.”

>He was also “maniacal” about studying. “I don’t think he got a single question wrong on any organic chemistry test,” she said, He seemed similarly consumed by his desire to “perfect his own body.” He established a sacrosanct routine of drinking green tea, working out and taking a schvitz. “He had this incredible will,” she said. “Nothing was more important than his will.”

>Majoring in biology and international relations, Anthony made Phi Beta Kappa as a junior. Without taking a year off, he started at the University of Pennsylvania’s medical school, which is consistently ranked among the top three in the country.

[Anonymous No.21964314]

>>21964240
>“There's like a feeling of wanting to say the right thing, to convey who he was or what he meant to me. I don't feel like I'm doing him justice in a certain way,” Anna, my sister, said. “I felt like he had a really good way of filtering what was important and what wasn't. Except, at the end of his life, when he didn't, because he obviously was sick.”

>Anna hypothesizes that Anthony suffered from depression that metastasized into a “psychotic depression,” in which he lost his grasp on reality. The disease causes “changes in your concentration, changes in your motivation, changes in your sleeping habits” — Anthony never slept well — “and changes in your eating habits. But then it becomes that you have real cognitive changes where things that you would normally think are really a horrible, shitty idea, all of a sudden become normal.”

>Aaron Paul, a friend of Anthony’s from college and medical school, said that when they lived together that first year in Philadelphia, the balance of Anthony’s college career evaporated. Paul, who is no slouch, said Anthony would study past midnight on a Friday, say, for an exam two or three weeks away, showing a “singular preoccupation with schoolwork that was clearly obsessive.” Their friendship suffered. Medical school “can be somewhat socially isolating,” Paul said. “I think we were all at times a little bit depressed.”

>For Anthony’s second year, my mother said he wanted to “break all records.” He set himself apart further, renting a room from a Chinese immigrant family where he couldn’t have guests. Medicine offered Anthony an endless body of knowledge in which he could immerse himself but Anthony also apparently enjoyed the less cerebral aspects of the field. He emailed me that spring, “doing your first c-section on your b-day adds a warm and fuzzy component to this whole med school thing.”

>I visited in the fall of his third year, a few weeks before President Obama was first elected, when Anthony was renting an attic room from an older woman. The thinly furnished space contained a bed, a desk, an electric kettle for green tea and the instant oatmeal he stockpiled. I don’t remember it, but he also must have had an assemblage of over-the-counter pills. “Vitamins, muscle this and heart that and bone,” my mother recalled his intake at the end of his life. “He was taking some Chinese pills over the counter that he got on Central Avenue for hair growth. He might have been taking up to 40 or 50 pills a day.”

[Anonymous No.21964316]

>>21964240
He kind of gives off Chris McCandless vibes

[Anonymous No.21964320]

>>21964314
>“Vitamins, muscle this and heart that and bone,” my mother recalled his intake at the end of his life. “He was taking some Chinese pills over the counter that he got on Central Avenue for hair growth. He might have been taking up to 40 or 50 pills a day.”
>falling for the supplement trap
I will never understand why people are dumb about their diets. It is so easy and simple to eat healthy food

[Anonymous No.21964327]

>>21964285
She's right to say it

[Anonymous No.21964329]

>>21964240
>At the end of his third year of medical school, Anthony accepted a Fogarty grant from the National Institutes of Health to conduct research for a year in South America. My mother thought he should graduate first but he pushed back, "No. You told me not to go to Italy with United World College and it was such a fantastic experience,” she remembers him saying. “And you were wrong."

>Anthony lived in Santa Cruz de la Sierra, a fast-growing agricultural business city in Bolivia. “It had nothing in it except about 4 million people,” my mother said.

>Anthony, who spoke excellent Spanish, joined a soccer club and dated a Bolivian woman who was also training in medicine. (After Anthony died, there was a mass for him in Santa Cruz, my father said.) He studied Chagas disease, which is carried by an insect known as the kissing bug. Patients typically show mild symptoms for a few weeks, and then Chagas can lie dormant for years before returning as a potentially fatal cardiac or gastrointestinal condition. To set up appointments to examine patients and do research, “he needed a team, and they were lethargic ... no one was responding with the urgency that he felt they should,” my mother said. ”He was desperate to get it done.”

>Freya and Anthony had broken up but that year he told her, “I’m getting much worse in my old age, more stubborn, more difficult to be with.”

>Anthony did about 150 eye examinations, “Then he suddenly felt he had to have more, as many as he could get,” my father, who told him to go relax for a week or two in Buenos Aires or Chile, said. Anthony stayed in Bolivia. One mentor remembers having to tell Anthony to stay in bed when he contracted dengue fever.

>Despite his frustrations, Anthony’s research moved forward. Initially, the team thought that pupillary action in patients with Chagas would offer clues about the disease’s future course. Diabetes, a disease known to have effects on the pupil, was used as a positive control. The initial hypothesis failed, but the pupils did help explain complications related to diabetes. When Anthony came home he received another grant to support him to write an article for a medical journal. (His research is still likely to be published.) On top of school and applying to residency, the article “was the beginning of his unraveling, I think,” my mother said. “His serious unraveling.”

[Anonymous No.21964331]

don't tell me, this is a thing from the atlantic? or the new yorker? i'm going to google it, but i want to put my guess down first.

[Anonymous No.21964335]

>>21964240
>Among our friends, the house is best known for its kitchen walls, which are covered with pictures of my siblings and me playing soccer, on family trips to California and Europe and starring in a preposterous number of graduations. On the large sunlit room we call the porch, which can host a Thanksgiving dinner for 25, there’s a jungle of houseplants, too many chairs, a wall of bookshelves hurting under art tomes and those no-frills paperbacks you can’t buy anymore.

>After he returned from Bolivia, Anthony passed the summer working on the porch. He saw friends, took his pills and did his exercises. He constantly called a statistician who was supposed to collate data for him. He could have rented a place in the city but he’d always been a bit of a cheapskate. My parents liked having him around and they kept the house stocked with the foods he preferred – my mother doesn’t think she ever saw him eat a sweet. Living in New Rochelle he didn’t have to worry about doing his laundry or cleaning the house. In August he learned that he had made Alpha Omega Alpha, the medical school honors society. He’d be one of the top graduating medical students in the country.

>Anthony’s academic schedule was loosely structured so he could meet his obligations in short trips to Philadelphia. By this point, most medical students are obsessed with “the match,” the process hospitals use to select graduating students for residencies. It is famously stressful, but every indication suggested that Anthony would be a strong applicant.

>Anthony was leaning toward specializing in radiology, but he couldn’t get comfortable with the choice. “He was very excited about the idea that radiologists were actually the people making the diagnoses,” Anna said. “Yes, it's the internist who's the first person in the triage line, but it ultimately comes down to radiology, reading the scans and finding what's going on, especially these days.”

>Radiology is a prestigious, lucrative track. But Anthony may have also been attracted to the limited interactions radiologists have with patients. He was “uninterested in the amount of scut work that's involved with other fields of medicine,” Anna said. Anthony wouldn’t have been the first doctor to bristle at filling out endless insurance forms, but he saw radiology as “a way around it. Which, in reality, it's not ... But that was a fantasy that he had.”

[Anonymous No.21964339]

>>21964331
>salon
oof, sneaky deep cut op. i forgot about salon!

[Anonymous No.21964340]

>>21964327
it's true, the same way it'd be true if she called him a neurotic queer, but she's not right to say it.

[Anonymous No.21964346]

>>21964240
>Anthony dissected his options with my parents and on long calls with Anna. In flailing notes to hospital officials, he changed his desired program, switched interview dates and asked to extend at least one deadline to accommodate his research. As the matching process advanced, between November and January, he considered pursuing pathology, a career of working with corpses and staring at slides. To my family, this seemed even more gnomic than radiology. They couldn’t fathom why he would even consider it.

>Each of them would have preferred, and to some degree encouraged, him to consider a more patient-centric career in internal medicine. “I think you would get bored just reading films all day long,” my mother remembers telling him. “And he said, ‘Well, you know it’s really expanded.’ And I said, ‘Well, that’s fine whatever you want to do. You can always change.” Before beginning a radiology residency, young doctors usually do a year in general medical training. My family hoped it would inspire him to take a new path.

>In January, Anthony traveled to Boston to interview at two Harvard hospitals, Massachusetts General and Brigham and Women’s. He appeared so anxious before the trip that my father wondered if he would survive.

>After the first interview Anthony spoke to Anna. He was “unbelievably ruminative,” she said. “He could not understand why anyone would have him as a resident and couldn’t recall the interviews.” Worried about another sleepless night he considered blowing off his appointment at Massachusetts General, arguably the best hospital in the country. “It was so scary to him and he couldn’t articulate what was scary.” Anna was scared too, “And I thought that if I gave him enough love that he would be OK.”

>When Anthony returned home he said to my mother, "I don't know what the interviews were about." One questioner had tossed him a softball about whether he had any questions about the program, and he didn’t. Weren’t all the programs basically the same? He felt wounded, my mother said, that “No one seemed to raise their eyebrows when he said he had had a Fogarty. That he was in Bolivia.” Never mind that his research wasn’t related to radiology. “He kept saying he'd wasted a year. Why did we let him go?”

[Anonymous No.21964355]

>>21964320
In this case, I think he did it to deal with his severe health ocd. But rather than have any kind of sympathetic ailment he was distraught about aging in general. Google seems to do this to med students and other obsessives. This guy wasn't even 30 and was prepping for the geriatric ward.

[Anonymous No.21964357]

>>21964240
>Anthony had other preoccupations. He complained of nagging neck pain, the legacy of a high school rugby injury. “I think he just magnified it,” Anna said. “If it was so severe, he wouldn't be able to run, and he was running every day for miles and miles.” His hair loss remained a concern. Sometimes he stood on his head, a crackpot remedy for improving blood flow and stimulating hair growth. In a January email, he complimented my hair and asked how I made it look so good. I didn’t do anything to it, I wrote back, and my hairline was five years more, um, distinguished than his. If I had better understood his condition I wouldn’t have asked if he’d considered shaving it.

>The year in Bolivia still gnawed at him. In his original medical school class, he said, the radiology applicants were less competitive. If he hadn’t gone to Bolivia, he came to believe, he would have easily landed his first choice of residency. This was delusional; he was getting interviews at top hospitals.

>Before his year abroad Anthony had taken a prescription remedy for male pattern baldness that can cause sexual side effects and depression. He brought a supply of the drug to South America, but for reasons that remain unclear he stopped taking it. After returning home, he resumed the medication but the fellowship, to his mind, accelerated his hair loss as well.

>In a January email to Anna he displayed a measure of self-awareness, “peace and love and my endless thanks for bearing with me during my (hopefully) brief psychotic disorder.” She had sent him a list of psychiatrists and he said he would contact them. Nothing suggests that he did. My mother repeatedly asked him to reduce his pill intake. On the nights before his residency interviews, Anthony worked himself into sleepless fits. Before one interview in Manhattan he stayed at Anna’s apartment and insisted that she sleep on the couch so he could be more comfortable. Anna obliged him. In March, we reminded ourselves, he would match at a hospital and this unbearable period would be over.

>It was not all as hellish as it sounds. Anthony could still pull himself together. At my December birthday party, at a Lower East Side bar, he charmed my friends in Italian. One sophisticated woman he’d been chatting with said to me, “Your brother is handsome.” The next month, at another party, he told me he was taking antidepressants and feeling better. I asked him why he was living in New Rochelle. If he didn’t have to be in Philadelphia, why didn’t he rent a place in Manhattan or Brooklyn? He insisted it wasn’t an option, that he knew what he was doing. Anthony’s friend Aaron Paul was there and mentioned he’d been studying gynecology, prompting Anthony to reply that he didn’t know anything about the subject. I took this as an invitation for some fraternal ribbing. Anthony didn’t find that funny at all.

[Anonymous No.21964359]

>>21964357
>and he was running every day for miles and miles
jews really are something else. what a whirlwind this retard's life was.

[Anonymous No.21964365]

>>21964359
He should have taken the sprint pill

[Anonymous No.21964371]

Antony, thank you. Judging by your whiny brother, you had both courage and the perspective he lacks. So, by your absence, you truly made the world a better place.

[Anonymous No.21964374]

>>21964371
shit I thought I was on /x/
but my reply still stands valid

[Anonymous No.21964375]

>>21964240
>Around February, I learned that Anthony was considering doing his intermediary year at a community hospital in New Rochelle and continuing to live with my parents. He reasoned that he needed a rest and decided, probably incorrectly, that there would be less pressure at a local hospital. Plus he’d still follow that with a radiology residency so it didn’t matter. My parents strenuously objected to his turning down a world-class hospital and realized that it wasn’t healthy for him to be at home anymore, but what could anyone do except wait for the match?

>In late winter, med students across the country submit a ranked list of residency programs. In mid-March they learn if they matched and where. If Anthony ranked the New Rochelle hospital first, and they chose him, he’d be committed to it. Anna had labored over Anthony’s list with him and she was confident that he had led with a major teaching center.

>At medical schools, Match Day is an understandably celebrated occasion and my mother asked Anthony if he’d be going to Philadelphia to be with his classmates. He said no. Since he barely knew the students he’d be graduating with, he could just find out online. “I thought that was a very bad sign,” she said.

>And then he matched: A general year at Brigham & Women’s in Boston followed by NYU’s elite radiology program. He strutted on Facebook, “the brigham for prelim and then nyu for rads. all i want to know is who's coming with me?”

>This New Year’s Day my mother and I sat with bagels, lox and coffee at the ovular wooden porch table where Anthony had liked to work on his laptop. As she spoke, she stared at a spot in the middle of the table, one hand curled at her brow, the other pressed flat against her cheek.

[Anonymous No.21964382]

>>21964240
>“He got what he wanted and I congratulated him and he looked terrible,” she said. “I feel guilty to this day for not having said to him, ‘What’s wrong, why do you look so terrible? You just won the jackpot.’ I didn’t say it. To me it was such an obvious triumph of something he had been working for for six or eight months. All the work and the pain and the stress and the fatigue -- it was all over and it was all resolved the way he wanted it. And he was just despondent. I never said anything and I’m in pain over that, always in pain over that to not ask the obvious. I almost was perhaps oblivious to the obvious because we had so many long arduous discussions about how he felt and how each interview went and how he couldn’t decide.

>“But most important, he was singularly preoccupied by thinking he had failed himself. He became convinced he had made a mistake by accepting a Fogarty grant, and for that he could never, ever trust a decision he made again. That [the residency] decision came from an outside source. It had nothing to do with him and it wasn’t reliable, it wasn’t accurate. And therefore by extension he couldn’t trust himself to make important decisions. Perhaps he meant by that medical decisions for other people or medical conclusions based on data and research and examinations.”

>In an instant message exchange, he told a friend that the result had left him feeling “dead inside.” As best I can tell, he started pursuing the poison six days later.

[Anonymous No.21964383]

Now post the tale of Joe the construction worker who bangs his wife's younger sister and sleeps in peace.

haha, "elite," more like aloof
At least Anthony himself saw what his family was too ignorant to see.

[Anonymous No.21964387]

>>21964240
>According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, at least 90 percent of people who kill themselves suffer from a treatable and diagnosable mental illness. Anthony didn’t see a psychiatrist and was never diagnosed, but he displayed symptoms of any number of them. These diseases can be triggered by genetic makeup, by experience, by a life situation, by family dynamics dating back to early childhood.

>Not long after his death my mother asked me why Anthony couldn't just muddle through like the rest of us, why he was so fragile. It's the question all of us who loved Anthony have to live with, how such a capable person could be so wrong about the biggest question there is and so many smaller ones. His death is hard to understand and harder to forgive. It goes against the human instinct to make what use of our talents we can, to breed, to survive.

>Anthony understood this too. His whole life prepared him for work that unfolds over decades. He treated his body similarly. (My mother, when she confronted him dead on the hospital gurney, remembers thinking that he looked like a "Greek god.") “How could this kid be depressed when everything was working out?” Anna asked. Anthony must have wondered the same thing.

>The grief and guilt my family feels linger. For me, they pull more strongly than the memories. Anthony’s friends are building families and careers. My parents' suffering, in particular, has been unimaginable. But they cope and persevere. The April after Anthony died, Anna gave birth to their first grandchild. Anna and I push on, managing as we go. We are living things and it is in the struggle that we thrive.

[Anonymous No.21964407]

>>21964387
>he looked like a "Greek god.") “How could this kid be depressed when everything was working out?”
The inverse being if he had been a low iq shlub, it would be okay that he was on a slab. These fuckers always betray their superiority complex like this, proving their inferiority. God I hate these entitled worms.

Anyone else vibing with this?

[Anonymous No.21964417]

>>21964407

He sounds like a sociopathic retard with no personality who encountered a hitch in the road then killed himself impulsively. Took 26 years to do it too, absolutely nuts

Zoomers blow my mind everyday with how stupid and animalistic they are

[Anonymous No.21964432]

>>21964417
26 in 2011 makes him a millennial.
If anything its the family that are parasitic nightmares. Anthony saw a bit too much of the world. What makes a young healthy man who just matched into god's residency off himself? The truth, of course.

[Anonymous No.21964443]

>>21964432
>its the family that are parasitic nightmares

[Anonymous No.21964446]

get

[Anonymous No.21964449]

>>21964432

Regardless dude. He was a dumbass who didn't sense that he was getting old and there was more to life than partying. Sociopathic freak was killed by time and reality. Most people also focus on human shit like longterm relationships and career. And it's probably a family curse, imagine seeking out reconciliation by getting your embarrassing story published in a major outlet. Unimaginably narcissistic

[Anonymous No.21964452]

>>21964443
I can give a jew a pass on the neuroticism. Most of the lunatics I've encountered with this mindset are Mayflower material.

[Anonymous No.21964465]

>>21964449
That's what you took from that?
This guy offed himself because he only thought of the long-term. Partying is exactly what he lacked.

[Anonymous No.21964470]

>>21964465

I didn't read the whole thing. I got "popular but then started balding"

[Anonymous No.21964471]

>>21964452
It's not the neuroticism that's annoying, its the narcissism. If you even try to point out to them why its obnoxious to harp on about your ethnicity being so great then they call you an "antisemite". Its just so tiresome. It's annoying when white supremacists do it too dont get me wrong, friendly racial banter is one thing, obsessive ethnonarcissism is another

[Anonymous No.21964472]

>>21964470
he wasn't actually balding just (((mentally ill)))

[Anonymous No.21964489]

>>21964471
Either way, its the trying to fit the "do the right thing" slipper. Right school, right neighborhood, exactly right amount of time between accomplishing stated life goals, must not deviate, just this remarkable surrender to an authority made up by a slightly shinier bunch of clueless animals. Somewhere this kid saw behind that curtain, and you can't exactly go back.

[Anonymous No.21964491]

>>21964465

Even though the author/brother doesn't mention it (to save his parents the guilt) it soundsl like it's a high pressure kind of family where the expectations are for overachieving. The guy decided he was not cut out for that afte rall. He had a romantic sensibility, he needed time to wander the world and find meaning in his life. But it all jsut constant pressure and that was all that he could look forward to indefinitely

[Anonymous No.21964497]

>>21964491
Or maybe like Kierkegaard or Tolstoy, he saw the futility. Stay the course or deviate, and you'll regret it.

[Anonymous No.21964521]

>>21964489
>you can't exactly go back
No, you don't go back, you go forward.

[Anonymous No.21964523]

RIP, he would have been a top tier /lit/ poster

[Anonymous No.21964528]

I'm sorry, but it just sounds like he was a narcissistic asshole. No better than Elliot Rodger.

[Anonymous No.21964546]

>>21964285
Yeah I agree but I think this is a normal reaction
My dad killed himself when I was a teenager and although I've never had thoughts like these I know that you're supposed to
If she really entertains the thought that his suicide was somehow about hurting her, maybe it actually was and she was a horrible cunt in his life
I think she should just move on

[Anonymous No.21964557]

>>21964240
>It is alleged that he died out of grief that the Frankists left Judaism.

[Anonymous No.21964585]

>>21964285
first thought I had when reading that line.

[Anonymous No.21964589]

>>21964528
Who's more selfish: the person who ends it because nobody was able to prove they cared about them, or the person who sees hopelessness as a choice?

[Anonymous No.21964595]

>>21964240
kys

[Anonymous No.21964732]

>>21964521
>No, you don't go back, you go forward.
Listen here you Yoda sounding motherfucker, that's pretty solid advice and I'll take it. I think you can all tell I'm drowning.

[Anonymous No.21964788]

>>21964359

This. Finding out he was Jewish in the 2nd or 3rd paragraph explains it all, the rest is just window-dressing.

[Anonymous No.21964791]

>>21964732
You'll be alright fren.

[Anonymous No.21964796]

I am sorry this happened, OP, and I feel for you and your family.

But, I think every truly sane and thinking man must inevitably seriously contemplate suicide at least once in their lives. And I do think it is a noble thing.

[Anonymous No.21964797]

>>21964407

Nail on the head.

[Anonymous No.21964805]

>>21964528

He's worth. This guy actually had potential to make the world a better place. Elliot was always going to be a waste of oxygen.

[Anonymous No.21964830]

>>21964805
The only way he could've made the world a better place is by engineering a fast lethal superbug.

[Anonymous No.21965126]

>>21964788
Ashkie schizophrenia is a real thing. These people need to be locked away in a containment zone in the middle of the desert to spare the rest of humanity.

[Anonymous No.21965144]

I have a small dick and I am still here. What the fuck is his excuse.

[Anonymous No.21965146]

>>21964240
>Anthony had a longtime fixation on losing his hair. In chat rooms he visited, balding men vented and swapped treatment tips. Anthony researched the effects of antidepressants and antidepressant withdrawal on hair loss. He read pages on Prince William – did balding “hasten his engagement?”—and a site called Baldcelebrity.com.
>Anthony was not noticeably balding.


Just like me fr

[Anonymous No.21965169]

If he nutted inside a woman and got her pregnant he would've kept living. Birth control killed him

[Anonymous No.21965202]

>>21964240
what endless improooving does to a mf
meanwhile I’ve become entirely content with my pathetic and parasitic existence

[Anonymous No.21965215]

Love stuff like this, its fascinating trying to watch these kinds of parents comprehend the act of suicide, it's like watching the monkeys trying to make sense of the monolith at the start of 2001

[Anonymous No.21965220]

Nice blog

[Anonymous No.21965238]

The fuck is this

[Anonymous No.21965263]

>>21964314

I've been to the place in that photo. Small town Japan is interesting.

[Anonymous No.21965269]

TL;DR Some richfag jew writing a puff piece about his richfag jew brother who an heroed because he was a bitch.

I hate this type of people. The self-felating coated under layers and layers of fake humility.

[Anonymous No.21965271]

Use greentext for green text story's not an essay. my eyes can't handle this shit.

[Anonymous No.21965274]

>>21965269
>who an heroed because he was a bitch.
Wtf did you just say?

[Anonymous No.21965284]

>get a puff piece written about your suicide and despair because your parents are rich
kek, little rich boy to the end

[Anonymous No.21965299]

>>21964387
>>Not long after his death my mother asked me why Anthony couldn't just muddle through like the rest of us, why he was so fragile. It's the question all of us who loved Anthony have to live with, how such a capable person could be so wrong about the biggest question there is and so many smaller ones. His death is hard to understand and harder to forgive. It goes against the human instinct to make what use of our talents we can, to breed, to survive.
What a smarmy little faggot

[Anonymous No.21965452]

Pity that he never discovered 4chan, still respect his decision. This planet is an evil shithole

[Anonymous No.21965460]

>>21965263
I heard they don't like white people.

[Anonymous No.21965481]

>>21964407
What the fuck are you talking about

[Anonymous No.21965485]

>>21964240
I wouldn’t consider Rancid to be pure pop punk.

Anyways that mystic sounds interesting.

[Anonymous No.21965486]

>>21964452
So basically people like me?

[Anonymous No.21965498]

This is why the Jewish and mamzers can never truly be "elite". They can accrue wealth and credentials, and occupy necessary sinecures and posts that could be considered as having "elite" status, but they can never BE elite.

[Anonymous No.21965508]

>>21964285
>woman most effected moment

[Anonymous No.21965545]

>>21964788
It was obvious right from the get-go. All of the people he was friends with were jews as well, unless they were brown people. I have no problem with such normal jewish people, and even if I had, what would it matter, but it really goes to show you how spending your entire life amongst these pretentious upper-middle class overachieving squirrels will make your life a living hell. I guess to some extent everyone can relate to this guy, especially if you are gifted and beautiful (as a man) the expectations others have for you are super high, its like people think: well, he looks so good, he is so smart, he could do ANYTHING. But really, youre just a normal person inside, yeah, smarter, more capable in many instances, but at the end of the day, you just want to live a normal life. This guy wanted to be more, to be better, because he was drive by his environment to be, but then life caught up with him.

[Anonymous No.21965557]

>>21964240
This is some of the most selfish shit I've read in a while. A family member kills himself and all these guys can do Is moan about "How could he do this to US?", "He should hace kept on living for US".

No wonder he killed himself with such a family, his upbringing Is probably the reason why he ended up like that.

[Anonymous No.21965565]

>>21965460

Yeah you get a few hisses now and then and some dirty looks. but this area is surrounded by ski fields and there are lots of Gaijin around. They're a bit perplexed at the shit we do like the idea of skiing in the trees is completely alien to them. The idea of doing something slightly different to normal is alien to them. They literally cannot comprehend how we can just ignore a rule. Mostly though they are pretty kind and considerate.

[Anonymous No.21965574]

>>21964489
>>21964491
He kind of reminds me of Amy Dunne from Gone Girl. Especially the New Yorker part. What's with people living in New York and having the need to be the smartest most accomplished person in the world?

[Anonymous No.21965620]

>>21964300
Some kind of psychosis, it isn't stated but it's obvious

[Anonymous No.21965652]

>>21965274
The old knowledge isn't getting passed down.

[Anonymous No.21965660]

Reading about this guy (and his family) makes it so obvious why he ended up killing himself. An entire life spent striving and worrying and toiling for clout and credentials. Clearly the entire family is of the same mind. These people can't be happy because they don't even try to be happy. They live their lives to achieve things and never even consider whether these achievements actually contribute to their own pleasure. I'm baffled why he cared so much about balding, when nothing about his behaviour seems to even suggest he actually cared about pursuing women. Playing more video games and jerking off unironically could have saved this guy.

[Anonymous No.21965778]

>>21965274
lurk more nigger

[Anonymous No.21965852]

>everything his family says and is quoted as saying in the article is about how successful he was
>literally EVERYTHING
>he comes to one bump in the road, convinces himself that he's made one minor decision that has negatively impacted the highest possible level of success that he will achieve, and fucking kills himself
>omg why would he do this??? he was just SO SUCCESSFUL
these dimwits will go their entire lives without even considering the possibility that they may have fucked this kid up

[Anonymous No.21965890]

>>21964256
>two psychiatrists in his immediate family.
there it is

[Anonymous No.21965902]

>>21965852
He clearly had obsessive compulsive disorder, anon. The takeaway here is that his family with their two elitist psychologists let him become completely unmoored and start disintegrating and they're still too narcissistic to see the obvious right in front of their eyes.

[Anonymous No.21965911]

>>21964240
>>21964298
I think Ashkenazi descend from NW Iranians. This guy looks very similar to me, and some research shows they're largely Iranian autosomally.
I think Ashkenazi developed excessive psychological and health problems from inbreeding such as Tay-Sachs and Neuroticism.
Their actual matrilineal descent does not go back to the Levant.

[Anonymous No.21965913]

>>21965545
Better to be brown than an haughty snow nigger like you.

[Anonymous No.21965919]

>>21965913
I am not using the term 'brown' derisively, but he obviously only had a girlfriend when he could have this sort of unequal relationship. I find 'brown' girls better than most white. I hate people equally and only when they deserve it for their behaviour.
>>21965852
>>21965902
Indeed. The sister does not take a single second to emphasize with him on an actual level, and I do not believe that the rest of his family did either. Actually most people do not want to emphasise with others, they just like to think of themselves as emphatic.

[Anonymous No.21965924]

>>21965911
Most mediterranean peoples look quite similar and the differences are very fine, same with western europeans, who are also genetically not 'pure' at all but intermixed with everyone from the neighbouring ethnicities. The sad truth is that all of this is meaningless, and that only truly beautiful people get to live a 'full' life in some sense, and how beautiful you are is almost entirely down to luck.

[Anonymous No.21965925]

>>21964256
>>He grew enamored with Thorea
Based

[Anonymous No.21965926]

>>21965919
People should be judged based on the quality of their Goodreads list or other more sensible metrics.

[Anonymous No.21965927]

>>21965913
cope
No, really, you are coping and we know.

[Anonymous No.21965930]

>>21965927
Stfu, you gay nigger bitch ass faggot (GNBAF). You should get beat by an intellectual aristocrat to the point you prostrate before them and kiss the ground before their feet.
You, a GNBAF, are NOTHING compared to me. You are peasant GNBAF scum. You are the kind of person to read Harry Potter or watch James Cameron films whereas I have highly sophisticated, refined sensibilities in art.
KYS, you subhuman piece of shit. You GNBAF. You have no Buddhanature, soul, or any relation to anything sacred. You are like a hollow deterministic puppet with the illusion of qualia.
It doesn't matter how much light phenotypes you have. You are an inferior piece of shit compared to someone as magnificent and, dare I say, holy as me. Everyone is trash compared to me. I am the future.

[Anonymous No.21965933]

>>21965924
>Most mediterranean peoples look quite similar
simply wrong. Maybe not teaching European ethnicity was a mistake. It's not your fault, though. Met a German who couldn't tell anotehr German apart from a Norwegian. Those subtleties just fly past the untrained eye.

This isn't a subtle case, though. He doesn't look like "most mediterranean people" (which in itself is ridiculous). Western Europeans couldn't be more distinct from each others.

[Anonymous No.21965934]

>>21965930
Why can't Americans shut the fuck up about race for one second? Please kill yourself

[Anonymous No.21965935]

>>21965934
All races are trash compared to god-kings like me.

[Anonymous No.21965936]

>>21965935
It's not funny, it's not clever, it's not insightful, nobody's redpilled by '16-era rhetoric anymore, we're just fucking tired.

[Anonymous No.21965940]

>>21965930
Sure sounds like Buddhanature to me.

Ever wondered why whites never care about the slurs and insults you come up? Ever wondered why, in the case of blacks, whatever name they invent for themselves becomes a slur?

That's all I have to say.

[Anonymous No.21965946]

>>21965933
>says the amerimutt polcel
I have an extremely good eye and most western Europeans that actually look distinctly beautiful could be from any place, they share the same beautiful features. Only normies look somewhat different but only when you look at them as a mass of people.

[Anonymous No.21965949]

>>21965936
Shut the fuck up.
I have better taste in literature than you.
I have a more enriching weltanschauung than you.
I have a better noble demeanor than you.
I am more connected to nature than you... you're connected to hell.
I have been blessed by the gods, you by the demons.
Know your place, you stupid piece of shit. I bet if you made a Goodreads, Letterboxd, and a list of goals, it would all be SHIT just like your mind.
Stfu, you insentient garbage faggot.
Go back to about crying about "no gf" as I engage in more meaningful tasks.

[Anonymous No.21965951]

>>21965940
Make a Goodreads list. I bet it's full of shallow, one-dimensional literature just like your filth mind.
I don't care what stupid Zoomer snow niggers like you care about.
I have two STEM degrees. You have nothing.
Slit your throat.
Also, pay your rent on time, snow nig.

[Anonymous No.21965973]

>>21964240
This guy's life is completely vapid, meaningless. I don't care if he died. In fact, I will go a step extra and say ALL OF YOU ARE BETTER OFF DEAD. You have no real passion, no real creativity or soul IN ANYTHING.
Every single last one of you should die. Compared to me, you're all insentient garbage.
Let me describe you soulless scum:

- constantly obsessed with the trivial details of other human trash
- unable to understand the philosophical depth in many complex topics
- act like licentious bonobo trash with your obsession of "muh gf"
- have shitty and generic taste in literature, revealing the shallowness of your minds
- obsessed with identity politics of whatever form
- obsessed with abstract reasoning skills to the point of losing connection to life, and also, not even good at abstractions

A SINGLE moment of suffering from me is worth bloodbaths of you soulless, mechanized scum. All your children should be drowned so this overcrowded, overpopulated world won't be more contaminated by your filth.

Stupid pieces of shit. I am a god compared to you and that retard who offed himself. I don't give a shit if a neurotic Jew committed suicide. You should follow his example though.

[Anonymous No.21965976]

>>21965949
>as I engage in more meaningful tasks.
Such as? Surely not wasting your youthful hours on 4chan bragging to anonymous people about your talents which were never put to test?

[Anonymous No.21965984]

>>21965919
Empathize, ESL-kun

[Anonymous No.21965985]

>>21965976
Unlike you insentient garbage, I am actually a published writer, but the current state of publishing is a mess due to "woke" nonsense. The classics that give foundation to the literary arts are no longer respected.
Just because I hate "woke" nonsense, doesn't mean I like snow nigger chauvinism either. Both are controlled oppositions. You morons are puppets. Both Weimar republic and the backlash from Hitler were manufactured by the technocratic elite, and we know who they are mostly composed of.
You retarded cunts don't know what the future has in store. "Human 2.0", as Yuval Harari calls it, is practically true. Go ahead and direct your attention to the scapegoats they have set up.
Most of you are better off GONE. Compassion towards SENTIENT beings is important, but you are not sentient.

[Anonymous No.21965988]

>>21965984
Neck yourself, cocky scum.
Your post adds nothing to this world, just like your pitiful life and the OP's pathetic & neurotic Jew.
None of you add anything worthwhile to life.
Your lives are NEGATIVE SPACES that consume all the good in this world, so therefore, you dying is a fundamental good.

[Anonymous No.21965989]

>>21965985
based schizo

[Anonymous No.21965990]

>>21965988
What is evil?

[Anonymous No.21965998]

>>21964357
>studying gynecology, prompting Anthony to reply that he didn’t know anything about the subject. I took this as an invitation for some fraternal ribbing. Anthony didn’t find that funny at all.
Kek

[Anonymous No.21966000]

>>21964245
>found Anthony in spasms on the roof next to a volume of Shakespeare and a pack of Gauloises cigarettes.
How pretentious.

[Anonymous No.21966002]

>>21965973
I am trying to write a book

[Anonymous No.21966022]

>>21965951
>I have two STEM degrees. You have nothing.
pathetic.
You don't know me.

[Anonymous No.21966029]

>>21964240
I suspect most of this is fake (and gay).

I personally have done medical school. The attitude and all that is half correct. First, radiology is not lucrative nor exciting and it is more and more turning into a bitch work job for the losers. Some of them try to make it into a sub specialty of intervention radiogot where you exam radiographs as you go along a surgery but mostly it’s sort of at the bottom of the totem pole with path. Increasingly so since Obama care gave the insurance companies little statewide monopolies. They just do it In house to save money and so path and radiology are turning into CVS style overworked underpaid awful lifestyles.

Or perhaps this is a sign that part of the story is real and the sister simply thinks that doctors are all supermen.

I also think it’s funny. My med school was 50% brown and 25% white and 25% Jewish.

Such a genius he must have been!

Although Jews do seem to have a narcissistic and feminine obsession with the ‘status’ of being a doctor. The white coat ceremony and elite intellect etc etc.

Truthfully it’s easy and not intellectually challenging outside of the volume of information. By residency month 3 everything repeats itself and it becomes mundane and routine. There is no puzzle or challenge.

It’s all the little details and anecdotes that are randomly collected that would take years to find that give away it’s fake.

And of course I just googled it and the author is just a journalist who writes hit jobs on Ted Cruz and republicans

[Anonymous No.21966050]

>>21965660
True. As another anon said above he peaked behind the curtain and didn't like what he saw, probably. That it's all an illusion and that he could have a different life than what others expected of him. But that would mean sacrificing his self, because everything he knew and how he conceived himself was through the family narration.

[Anonymous No.21966052]

>>21965990
You with your fluoridated, lifeless stare. You live a banal existence and are easily manipulable. You deserve immediate execution.
>>21966002
Give up. It will be generic trash just like your mind.
>>21966022
>You don't know me.
I read that in a high-pitched female's voice.
Pay your rent on time and don't speak to me.
>>21966029
>I personally have done medical school.
Read Rockefeller Medicine Men, retarded cunt, and be sure it's an uncensored copy. Most of modern medicine is fake and gay. Green Black Walnut Tincture, for example, works better than antibiotics. The whole point of the medical establishment is to destroy the body's natural system and force overreliance on a sick, twisted system; the entire goal is to destroy autonomy. You are a lifeless, soulless robot.

It's time all of you shut the fuck up and let this shitty thread die. All of you are nothing compared to me.

[Anonymous No.21966057]

>>21966050
I don't care about your pseudointellectual analyses on an irrelevant neurotic Jew.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Shut the fuck up already.
Get a life.

[Anonymous No.21966058]

>>21966050
Italy mindbroke him

[Anonymous No.21966059]

>>21966052
>body's natural system
body's natural immunity*

[Anonymous No.21966074]

>>21966029
I googled the gf the previous time this was posted and she's real. I think the piece is real

[Anonymous No.21966079]

What keeps me from killing myself is I know my mother will have a medium help her contact my sprit.

I can imagine it now "Oh, yes that him I can feel his sprit" fucking cringe
she did this with my nana I think she's very neurotic and childish, it's sad really.

parents are very selfish, they have to be in order to spawn you into this cosmic concentration camp in the first place.

[Anonymous No.21966080]

>>21966057
Take your meds and post on another thread you fucking idiot.

[Anonymous No.21966098]

>>21965274
Look up "an hero", it's a shitty oldfag phrase.

[Anonymous No.21966123]

>>21966059
You’re a retard

>>21966074
The girlfriend appears to be the photographer. But the author is not a psychiatrist as she claims.

[Anonymous No.21966136]

>>21966080
I recommend taking high quality krill oil, cod liver oil, vitamin B12, vitamin D3+K2, and eating range free eggs because it's obvious you have a shit brain, dumbass piece of shit. Kys, retarded cunt. You and that neurotic Jew ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME.

[Anonymous No.21966145]

>>21966123
No, you're the retard. Your life is objectively worth less than mine. Make a Goodreads list, and I bet it would be full of mundane crap like your decrepit mind. You're a hollow deterministic puppet with the illusion of qualia.

[Anonymous No.21966154]

>>21966080
>>21966136
Also, Zinc Copper is good too. It can help you look less like a pos.

[Anonymous No.21966160]

>>21966145
>the worth of my life is measured by the books I read
Jesus H Christ.

[Anonymous No.21966165]

>>21966160
All the birds, bees, butterflies, and bats love me. The 4 B's, the most important pollinators. What are you loved by? Satan.

[Anonymous No.21966201]

>>21965574
>He said, "I think that New York is the new model for the new concentration camp, where the camp has been built by the inmates themselves, and the inmates are the guards, and they have this pride in this thing they've built. They've built their own prison. And so they exist in a state of schizophrenia where they are both guards and prisoners, and as a result, they no longer have, having been lobotomized, the capacity to leave the prison they've made or to even see it as a prison." And then he went into his pocket, and he took out a seed for a tree and he said, "This is a pine tree." He put it in my hand and he said, "Escape before it's too late."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8v_XqFO8Bc

[Anonymous No.21966204]

>>21966145
Lol no

[Anonymous No.21966214]

>>21965985
Lmao it's the icchantika

[Anonymous No.21966237]

>>21964240
Always nice to hear that a jew killed himself, thanks for that OP. I don't see what this has to do with lit though.

[Anonymous No.21966259]

>>21964314
>Aaron Paul
the guy from breaking bad??? niceeeee

[Anonymous No.21966301]

>>21964298
>“This year abroad would set my life on a new trajectory,” he wrote later in a 100-plus-page work of autobiographical writing, titled “Yuppie Love.” This composition, which he continued to revise during medical school, is spiked with a lacerating contempt for himself and other privileged people -- “yuppies” -- who can’t escape convention, an attitude that was rarely apparent in his public persona. Going to Italy, he wrote, “was a step ladder leading me out of this pool of shit, and I'd be a fool not to use it. This, I promised myself.” In the piece, Anthony described his year abroad:
>>Perhaps it was too exciting, too wonderful. Ten years after being in Italy, I feel cheated, lied to. Italy, the Adriatic sea, the teachers of the United World College, the strangers we met in bars and trains, everyone told us that life was beautiful and fascinating, that anything was possible, that goodwill and understanding and interesting, impassioned conversations periodically pregnated with long silences and deep eye contact could bring any two people together … Yes, Italy was good, too good in fact, and my life now is too bad, and it is the difference that is too much for me to bear.
I would have paid to read the rest of this half finished book of his

[Anonymous No.21966302]

>>21964788
checked

[Anonymous No.21966488]

>>21966145
Alright we get it Mr. Larping as a 18th century german Aristocrat, making atomic bomb while reading french medieval poetry.

[Anonymous No.21966557]

>>21964240
>whiny neurotic jew kills himself
Who gives a shit

[Anonymous No.21966588]

>>21965984
>making a typo means you're esl
Fuck off Pedro

[Anonymous No.21966696]

>>21964300
balding

[Anonymous No.21966715]

>>21964407
I read it more as the implication is: If he had been a low IQ slob, we could understand why. Not necessarily that it is okay, but more easy to point out how he came to that point.

[Anonymous No.21966823]

>>21966301

How could he be so lacking in self-awareness? He lived in New York. People come from all over the world to experience in New York what he experienced in Italy. He seriously got driven to suicide by an extended overseas vacation?

[Sage No.21966940]

who cares? lmao

[Anonymous No.21967037]

>>21966823
It was clearly about him actually feeling free in Italy, because he was completely cut off from his overzealous family that implicitly expected him to be the superhuman jewish overachiever.
Its a common literary trope that Americans or Europeans leave for the other continent to get familiarity but at the same time have a completely new life, removed from the past.

[Anonymous No.21967066]

>>21965985
Based truther

[Anonymous No.21967359]

>>21967037

I guess I was being flippant, I do understand where he's coming from. It's still surprising though that a man in med school, who'd traveled more than once, wouldn't realize that feeling was transitory at best and outright artificial at worst. I'd expect that attitude from someone who spends the summer abroad their junior year in undergrad.

[Anonymous No.21967413]

What is this thread? Ops essay about his brother or is this copy and pasted from something? Either way it was a good read and Im sorry for your loss OP if this guy was real and actually passed away and was actually your brother. Your posts are well written by the way.

[Anonymous No.21967626]

>>21967359
NTA, but if his whole life was a matter of pushing himself because he felt he had to, and only experienced freedom from high expectations on vacation, then he probably associated productive living with stress, and I can't imagine a better crucible to fuse that into your personality than medical school. So what if he was successful, he wad going bald, would never have the crazy adventures his peers had in high school and undergrad, he'd never meet a girl because he was too square and pretentious and socially awkward. Great, now he can look forward to a long life of being an ugly weirdo who takes home a huge check that he won't have time to enjoy or reason to make that time after 80 hour weeks for a decade before even becoming a proper doctor.
Obviously that's dumb, but it's probably not far off from how someone like him would be thinking.
>who'd traveled more than once
Ironically, this would probably make it worse. Nothing better to make you feel trapped than to spend some time outside the prison, knowing you're going right back. Wherever you go, there you are, etc.

[Anonymous No.21967658]

>>21964245
>Reads Anna Karenina
>Kills himself
Many such cases
All jokes aside, I literally don't care this dude is dead

[Anonymous No.21967694]

lol what the fuck happened to this thread

[Anonymous No.21967753]

>>21964240
>>21964245
>>21964256
>>21964265
>>21964285
>>21964298
>>21964303
>>21964314
>>21964329
>>21964335
>>21964346
>>21964357
>>21964375
>>21964382
>>21964387
You know alot comes to mind reading this, some of it more refined some of it much less so.
A lot of lines could be drawn to alot of other shit about human nature, and philosphy and empathy.
But I think I’m the final analysis most is left unsaid (as it has already been said) save this:
I’m sorry for your loss anon.
It’s a hard thing to lose a loved one.

[Anonymous No.21967759]

>>21964320
>>21964355
It does. When you're an overachiever the thought of dying unexpectedly to disease or losing your youth and ability, as distant as this should seem to a twenty five, to a thirty, even to a thirty five year old, becomes the most unbearable burden weighing upon your conscious. At the same time thoughts of suicide creep in, if I cannot achieve, if I am mortal and if I will die anyway, I might as well die by my own hand. That playful and ironic thought (this coping mechanism) skips in psychosis, there she is right, all distinction between fiction, imagination and reality and with the growing stress of time and time wasted forcing the hand.
Imagine if you were convinced that you could die every time you went to sleep. The stress would mount, you would be caught between reality and your imagination, these would blend with the stress, with the wasting away of your body and mind, and leave you in a state you can actually commit suicide. Where you feel your hand is forced and no other decision because your life, for some reason chipped at or not entirely up to plan, seems to you then ruined beyond repair.
If people see themselves becoming unable to function on the daily because of doubts and fear and stress they might as well not go on living. What is life that is comatose to someone who's entire existence is keen on history and his legacy, his person. Living by itself has no value to these people. They probably were suicidal in some sense even before, the stress enabled them.

[Anonymous No.21967773]

>>21967753
It's a text from 2013 published in Salon btw
https://www.salon.com/2013/03/12/why_did_my_brother_take_his_life/

[Anonymous No.21967791]

>>21964240
>is on antidepressants
“Oh gee I wonder why he killed himself”
Total fucking family of Sherlock’s. You deserve your child dying if you put him on pharma kike drugs. Parent’s fault entirely. /thread

[Anonymous No.21967914]

>>21967626
It says that he had a gf and appeared charming to people. His ideal was too high and he lived only to fulfill it: Must read book must travel must do charity work must have nw0 hairline etc etc

[Anonymous No.21967960]

>>21964240
I could have saved him

[Anonymous No.21968009]

>>21965973
Lit is probably the only board where some people lurk to whom that doesn't apply.

I don't think anyone should die. People die, people will die, and people must even die. "Billions must die", in fact, but they won't and no one would have to gain if they did. I've come to realize, as cruel and entirely responsible as these people are, my life is not any worse because of them. It's not any better and while the environment might suffer and institutions and world systems are strained, none of these would exist if it weren't for a billion people going about their daily unimportance.
What is important is not wealth, influence, education and quality of life or freedom, it is history that matters, and history in this sense when we look for meaning is entirely personal. The only true betters are those embedded in the world beyond war and death and famine. The upper end, the peak of unimportance. Being the sun in the sky, not as the sun, but the sun. You sit in the center of our solar system and without you nothing would live, yet none of this is a result of your action but for your place.

It's not worth it to consider them at all.

[Anonymous No.21968019]

>>21968009
>my life is not any worse because of them
That's fine. btw I believe in an arcane middle-eastern water god and have a lot of money so I've decided to make a law that decides everything about your sex life and what you can and cannot eat or own. Also my family owns an extremely successful insurance company and together with the other companies we've lobbied your local government to pass a law requiring you to pay out the ass whatever we ask for our product or we can literally murder you in your home.

But yeah, live and let live.

[Anonymous No.21968056]

>>21964240
>jew
>med school
>yuppie lifestyle
>antidepressants
lol
dont care

[Anonymous No.21968172]

>a Jew died

[Anonymous No.21968177]

>>21968056
>>21968172
Who hurt you?

[Anonymous No.21968282]

>>21964245
>found Anthony in spasms on the roof next to a volume of Shakespeare and a pack of Gauloises cigarettes.
Dissipatio HG reference? Seems consistent with his neurotic character though all of the lit referenced in this article is normiecore

[Anonymous No.21969199]

>>21967626
Spot on. From my personal and very similar I believe he would have been a terrible doctor and person, because the same way a foreign trip liberated him, a failed suicide attempt would have given him immensive catharsis, and surely an enormous show of support by his family that he probably would never had seen so evident until then and would try to cling into; returning to a doctor path would seem even more stressful now, he would procastinate tasks and keep stressing even more over both the esoteric (muh literature, muh mark on the world, muh Italy) and the material (muh body, muh hairline, muh gfs) - which he had already imbued into deeply before in his very clear OCD context; this mix of things so vast just screams: I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING AND I WANT TO GET OUT, TO ANYWHERE. He knew he was a ticking bomb, but instead of addresing that the problem was medicine, because it seems like he really did not have a choice - he directed his failure to this abstract and again, vast and mixed notion of grandiose, "my youth passed entirely without love", but also him transfering his suffering not only to famous men, but men that are all artists and especially more writers.
It sounds sad, but suicide at least allowed him to remain forever young and succesfull in the memory of his equally deranged family. >>21965660 i find the scenario that he would have sinked into vydia and jerking off and even worse shit, had his suicide failed, extremely likely

[Anonymous No.21969230]

>>21966696
Norwood reaper claims another one. RIP.

Seriously though, this is why education needs to include philosophy that isn't just existentialists. Through high school and most of college the only philosophy I was ever introduced too was Camus, Nietzsche, etc. "Everything is meaningless tiny particles bumping into each other, nothing else is real," isn't even a thing in physics anymore, it's just that it's considered "good enough," for basic k-12 and undergrad science. Corpuscularism is completely dead though, a standing wave in a field can only be described in terms of the entire field. You can't describe something just in terms of fundemental parts.

Maybe Augustine's points on learning to live for the thing that makes you happy eternally, having reflexive freedom, rational control of one's own actions, etc. could have saved them.

It's fucked to tell kids everything is meaningless when this is a philosophical point, not even the thing good science pretense to comment on, but even worse when we justify it by teaching 19th century quasi metaphysics as scientific fact because it is "easier to understand."

Hell, corpuscularism is as old as the very first Greek thinkers and ancient Egypt. It predates Plato. It isn't scientific; all things being little bits is essentially a naive view based on humans sensory experience of objects in space. Discrete objects as such don't even exist in physics, system boundaries are always somewhat subjective.

[Anonymous No.21969265]

>>21969230
Who cares, isn't it sweet that these shitty, blithe, EMPTY people build worlds that make their kids commit suicide? It's karma. Create conditions x, get outcome y. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous No.21969275]

Wtf is this text? "Oh he got such good grades, he was so handsome, yadda yadda" Didn't a single one of his family members actually have any connection to him or know him? He sent an autobiography and they didn't even open it? He's obviously breaking down mentally and all they have is to send him psychiatrist contact info? And why the fuck are they pushing his overachieving harder? They plainly murdered him

[Anonymous No.21969304]

>>21969265
They will never admit it
>>21969275
>Didn't a single one of his family members actually have any connection to him or know him?
No. Imagine having minimal interaction with your overachiever parents and the only thing they ask you during dinner is how you did in school and the topics they converse between themselves is about what house so and so bought, where did that family travel for Christmas, what college did their kid go to etc.

[Anonymous No.21969323]

>>21964465
This, I found myself eerily much in this story, being an overachiever from a demanding family etc and also had a breakdown in my early/mid 20s when I finally admitted to myself everything I "want" is "should/must".Since then been doing drugs but at least I'm still alive(for now)
my saving grace is at least I wasn't born rich but from a shithole
or maybe that's precisely why I got some needed perspective in time

[Anonymous No.21969331]

>>21965852
>>21965919
This, "family" like this makes me physically sick. Seems actually more sociopathic than abusive parents, abusive ones usually do so because they care too much in some pathological way. This is just "me, me, me, I don't understand, me"
and his sister is a psych now, God damn the field is going to implode before it matures

[Anonymous No.21969363]

Idk if this could help some closure or just something to learn from.

I was too, high-achieving and competitive.

The time when I just broke down was realizing how life by itself was purposeless. Even with the loving family, friends, teachers. I was in a way, has forgotten God. It was bad because suddenly I just wanted to fight everyone I don't like and to force people who I love to love me.
I was suicidal when things didn't get in my way, I was suicidal thinking I'm not hot enough. I was suicidal because I thought it was stupid to not be as life is meaningless. I want power. I want to be number 1 in everything.

Back then, I was not religious. I wasn't praying. I wasn't thinking God is there seeing me. I was a hyperactive person looking for fun. Hedonistic.

I read books. However, I read for status. I read to race against others on who have the most knowledge. It's all... for my status in this world.

One day, I got sexually assaulted. I didn't get to fight back because he was authority. That time. It was very dark in my head. I was hiding for months, in my home, I would be in my room, unbathed. Hungry. At uni I would just sit around, reading books that shows a hint if hedonism. Commenting conspiracy theories on YouTube channels. I have no fear left which only means that I really feel fear. I was in my head alone. Thinking how does this pos get away from this? Who else did he do it with?

I was crying to myself. Throwing tantrums to myself. I was close to chop-suey. I was close to drowning myself.

Then, I found God in my existence. The thought of it aids my wounds. It answered my all questions.

FF, thinking about it, we shall realize that the world is not truly what it seems. The world is not an accumulation of useless facts and figures. The world is not a ball of carbon-based beings heating up near the sun.

We are meant for something.

That's when I started praying. That's when I started to realize my past, I was just a lowly drifter among the entropy of events. Now, I am no longer just a drifter. I am a learner. I found purpose and meaning in life and I never want to kill myself again.

[Anonymous No.21969372]

>>21969275
If that's true. How hating aloneness can kill. How loneliness can kill. Yet, the solution didn't lie on others. We can't control others. I suppose, if you're lonely, the cure is to be online, you have to reach out yourself and love yourself. Telling people that they owe you love and affection and socialization is just... trash.

[Anonymous No.21969536]

>>21969199
>my youth passed entirely without love
>He was very handsome, [he had] a lot of girlfriends

[Anonymous No.21969574]

>>21969372
This is a difficult comment to read, please try to write more clearly. But the guy clearly socialized, having no contact with other people was hardly the issue. And I do believe parents owe children affection. They forced their children into this world, so it's their obligation to give love and help.

[Anonymous No.21969729]

>>21969574
Pardon me. I was rambling.

What I mean is that, in a way, loneliness is our own responsibility. We don't have telepathy or some people aren't even very good at talking about their emotional needs. Thus, we need, in our hearts, head, minds, psyche, whatever, to be strong. Yes, the loneliness hurts but we need to be mentally strong in handling this because we can't always depends on others to make us happy.

In case of anon's brother, I don't know the actual reasons for everything he did. However since his story was shared and to be discussed I can safely propose that he felt unloved by his family. This I conclude from his >>21964298
>"....was a step ladder leading me out of this pool of shit, ..."

>Pool of shit

I am angry at my family sometimes but never say the situation as "pool of shit"

Mental health is formidable. It's literally someone fighting themselves for their lives.

I'm not sure what could have saved him but I learned that you could have everything but if you don't have a strong mentality, you might as well have nothing.

[Anonymous No.21969747]

>>21969729
Before I end this I think I know that
>If you don't have a strong mentality, you might as well have nothing.

Some people would disagree. They might say, hey anon, would you be happy to marry an ugly dude? Would you be happy to be poor?

The obvious answer is no. But we have to take account of other things too. Life is a responsibility, your life is precious. If diamond can be precious, why can't you?

[Anonymous No.21969751]

>>21965169
>living for a roastie

no wonder women have an easy life

[Anonymous No.21969775]

>>21969747
Cont'd

I might be screamed at for this, but I would say we better stop making a necklace where there's beads of "high-achieving, smart people is hollow inside" being put in a string of "will more likely to commit suicide".

Cause commiting suicide is one of the stupidest act you could do, so why would the person who commit them still be considered smart and intelligent?

I mean, technically speaking. As dark as this sounds we need to lay out on how dealing with a hurt mental health using the correct way as a correct trait of intelligence. People who consider suicide or any offing of living things (without the sound reason) is idiotic.

[Anonymous No.21969780]

>>21969751
Would you stop talking about women??? We are talking about mental health. It applies to everyone!

[Anonymous No.21969783]

Women do well at schools because women need to be micromanaged all the fucking time and the way to have a good grade is jsut too dump preformed answers to preformed questions.

Women do well at school because it is a strong structure, where the answers are already given about what to do and what not to do. Women do not have to think for themselves.

Once women are out of school, their life are awful and they just ride the cock carousel because they listen to anybody chad telling them it is okay to be sluts. In other words, women have no concept of right and wrong, so they need to hear morality from men.
Then women would like to have a meaningful life and stop feeling being slut princesses so they get pregnant and care for a child for a few years, only to realize that they miss the golden days of having a comfy life from lots of orbiters free of charge, so they go back to this, but in secret since they got an official provider during their settling down period.


This also applies to medicine.
medicine is for drone Normies who want to feel scientific and all doctors are technicians, not even engineers and even less scientists.

all nurses are gigawhores, full of herpes and they give handjobs to the patients who have the biggest cocks

no joke

so it is normal for coomers and whores to idolize other coomers and whores.

Same thing for women and law schools.

[Anonymous No.21969792]

>>21969783
Women women women.
You say you hate them yet they're living rent-free inside your head.

Yeah, you crave the love of a woman. We get it. You're a man!

But you don't get it yet, maybe you should see how you talk about them, it's disgusting. Your mom is a woman. What if some glop just say what you say here to your mom??

[Anonymous No.21969793]

>>21969363
Are you from Eastern Europe?

[Anonymous No.21969802]

>>21969793
No.

[Anonymous No.21969830]

>>21969802
Okay. You write like a friend of mine from there. I'm glad you found something to believe in.

[Anonymous No.21969907]

>>21969536
pretty sure he is referring more to lack of a definite passion for things and knowing their place in his life, but also the missing love from his family.
But also seems like the type of person who doesnt feel anything for his partners and just keeps the relationship because yes.

[Anonymous No.21969938]

>>21964491
The parts where it's mentioned that his mother tried to dissuade him from his overseas trips because they were a "waste of time" and how they basically said it was unacceptable for him to underachieve and stay home. That's a big red flag for the family dynamic.

[Anonymous No.21969951]

>>21964407
>The inverse being if he had been a low iq shlub, it would be okay that he was on a slab.
Correct. Learn how life works, fatty.

[Anonymous No.21969970]

>>21964491
They're jews, yes.

[Anonymous No.21970001]

>>21965973
How many languages do you speak?

[Anonymous No.21970013]

>>21968019
sounds pretty based good for your senpai

[Anonymous No.21970015]

>>21966029
>It’s all the little details and anecdotes that are randomly collected that would take years to find that give away it’s fake.
kek another "doctor" thinks he's special

[Anonymous No.21970035]

>>21969230
>all things being little bits is essentially a naive view based on humans sensory experience of objects in space
It's the truth though. If you disregard the atomic view of reality, where "everything" is "nothing", you're then left with wave view, which is essentially that "everything" is "one thing", which may as well be exactly the same on a human level.

[Anonymous No.21970071]

>>21969775
>Cause commiting suicide is one of the stupidest act you could do, so why would the person who commit them still be considered smart and intelligent
Suicide is literally the highest IQ move.

[Anonymous No.21970080]

>>21970001
is this the /lit/ "how many bugattis"

[Anonymous No.21970084]

>>21969792
>Your mom is a woman
Parents are people. Nobody is above critisism.

[Anonymous No.21970099]

>>21970071
So are you by definition of your insane reply, an idiot?

[Anonymous No.21970101]

>>21970099
Yes.

[Anonymous No.21970121]

>>21965284
This is it btw, now I'm hiding This thread

[Anonymous No.21970130]

>>21970035
It is not the same in how it is received. Look at the 2010s hippies and the new age mysticism bullshit. It's always "we're all one" nonsense, yet they seem to find that quite freeing and encouraging.

Non-philosophers will not get to engage with these views on the level you're imagining. It's delivered as "all is arbitrary dust". Beyond the hedonistic "positive" nihilists this pretty much universally depresses, and unless perpetually distracted even they don't last long. Although I might get laughed at for saying so here, being taught this drove me into severe depression and suicidal ideation that I haven't even slightly recovered from ten years later.

[Anonymous No.21970134]

>>21970099
NTA but I agree and would also answer that I am an idiot for not taking my life already.

[Anonymous No.21970140]

>>21970101

Please. Please don't think that way.

[Anonymous No.21970147]

>>21970134
Come on. I am not sure what to convince to not think that way, but I'm sure that your life is valuable, anon. Don't think that way. Please.

[Anonymous No.21970152]

>>21970140
>>21970147
gay

[Anonymous No.21970191]

>>21970130
>It is not the same in how it is received. Look at the 2010s hippies and the new age mysticism bullshit. It's always "we're all one" nonsense, yet they seem to find that quite freeing and encouraging
It's just as damaging in the long run. These people lose sense of self and of personal autonomy and responsability. The "free love" era led to a massive uptick in drug use and STDs. This thinking ultimately leads to the sublimation of the self and a lack of care for the quality of one's own life.

Think of it like this, in atomized thinking you kill yourself because you agonize over the falsehoods and irrationality of your own life. In wave positivism you lose control of your own life and are just led by the current to things that feel better. It's another kind of hell.
I won't get into the repercussions the "all is one" worldview leads to in terms of a collectivist ordering of society.

[Anonymous No.21970196]

>>21970140
It's obviously true. For what reason would anyone want to keep existing into the future?

[Anonymous No.21970198]

>>21970196
Idk, um, good sex?

[Anonymous No.21970200]

>schizo jew with emotionally distant/narcissistic parents kills himself
Cliche

[Anonymous No.21970210]

>>21970198
>wheredoyouthinkyouare.jpg
But by that argument the best thing to do would be to massively overdose on meth.

[Anonymous No.21970225]

>>21970210
Look. What do you anticipate in death? Pray tell. How did you know all the pain will end? How did you know all your problems just end with you? What if it hurts other people? And hell, do you want to got to hell?

We are living. We're here replying to each other on 4chan. We read books. We drink something to quench our thirst. I don't know what you've been through anon, but the suicide argument is ridiculous. We live, we lie around in bed or sit a your job, or at a cinema. We dress up, to look good. What's being dead can compete with living? Be grateful. Just enjoy life.

[Anonymous No.21970238]

>>21970200
Weininger did it better

[Anonymous No.21970265]

>>21965660
>I'm baffled why he cared so much about balding, when nothing about his behaviour seems to even suggest he actually cared about pursuing women

What's even more baffling is that shit happened in 2011, I was only 19 years old back then and i don't remember internet being this harsh as it is now. Imagine if the guy knew about the blackpill or the SMV you need to have nowadays to even get a gf. Or imagine him getting mogged by other medfags just by scrollin in youtube shorts or something.

The only thing that could save this guy was Jesus but unironically.

[Anonymous No.21970272]

>>21969230
>Maybe Augustine's points on learning to live for the thing that makes you happy eternally

Can you name some examples?

[Anonymous No.21970279]

>>21970225
Anon the final redpill is the people who kill themselves actually do so out of the wish to LIVE, not to die. That's why wishing them to prolong the existence in which they don't feel alive is of no help.

[Anonymous No.21970284]

Thanks op.

[Anonymous No.21970290]

>>21970279
It does help because tomorrow is a new day and things can change. Change is the only definite thing there is.

[Anonymous No.21970309]

>>21970225
>What do you anticipate in death
Nothing. Meaning just the same or even better as my expectations for life.

Recently I had three elderly people die in my family. They were all plagued by physical breakdown to the point they could barely move. All of them died in pain, confusion, and fear. Why should anybody want to stay alive, just to reach that finality? This isn't a conclusion I reached through watching them die, it was something I already knew. When other people reacted with shock or grief I didn't feel anything, because it was just such an obvious inevitability that to see others be surprised or horrified was frankly frustrating and disgusting.

I just view everyone as already being dead, including myself. From that perspective dying is just the same as living, since being alive is just a momentary illusion you might get caught up in the same way as reading a work of fiction and thinking it's real.

[Anonymous No.21970313]

>>21970290
Maybe tomorrow is a new life and I won't even remember and be troubled by this one.
Actually it's probably better than this anyway, even if tomorrow doesn't come at all, yesterday was pleasant compared to this
see, it's a win-win

My point isn't that I'm suicidal. My point is you can't tell somebody to stop because they'll lose something they don't have in the first place.
All you can do is give them a reason to stick around-by forming meaningful connections. And most people won't do that for others, those who end it usually don't actually have people around them, like in the story that started this thread. When you're not connected to your family, you don't learn to connect to others, then what was deprived when you were little you continue to deprive yourself of.
Everything that isn't interpersonal is too easily rationalised, devalued, and after a while after everything is devalued life has no value, nothing to lose and everything to gain in case there's a reset or something new.

[Anonymous No.21970378]

>>21970225
I anticipate literal death. Cessation. How do I know? I don't even know that knowledge is possible. But, it seems that I and everything else will end at some point or another, so it hardly matters much if I expedite the process. My problems are internal, and I won't let what other feel influence the single most important decision of MY life. I don't have reason to believe in eternal punishment, or even that a God would disapprove of suicide.

We live. So what? I drink, to end discomfort. I post on 4chan, to distract myself. I read for the same purpose - to avoid negative sensation. In fact, that is the only reason I act at all. I don't even enjoy feeling good, ironically enough. Why not just get it over with? There's nothing I need to do, and I don't care for this world.

[Anonymous No.21970383]

>>21970378
based. suicide is based, killing yourself is based, depriving the zog machine of your utils is based.

[Anonymous No.21970390]

>>21970378
Why don't you just become a slave, unironically. At least then it's not a waste.

[Anonymous No.21970394]

>>21970383
This, but unironically. Nothing I could put my mind to seems like it could drag a man out of his being a net negative. Any work I can do to sustain myself seems like it would be to the detriment of the world.

The ultimate conclusion of basedism is violent suicide. Deny the world and do what you know is right

[Anonymous No.21970399]

>>21970378
Basically this. I played the devil's advocate and defended suicide in my previous posts when talking to that idealist, let me try the other side now.
The hardest thing is to acknowledge you COULD exist in another state - you could enjoy feeling good, you could anticipate things again, you could look forward to things while also enjoying the present. The sum of your life doesn't have to be an integral of negative sensations and distractions and vices used to stave them off.
If these things you find hard to believe about yourself, do you believe others can achieve them for themselves?

[Anonymous No.21970400]

>>21970390
Am I not already? I am certainly not free. And most all production is a great waste from what I can see.

[Anonymous No.21970403]

>>21964796
Camuspilled and based. The Plague is a great book on this subject.

[Anonymous No.21970414]

>>21967914
Exactly, it wasn't about his real life, it was about his perception of his life. He'd had girlfriends, but either he didn't care about them, or he cared too much for them to fail, maybe he was gay, maybe he was asexual, maybe he was just sure he'd die alone regardless. He appeared charming, probably because he'd spent his life in pursuit of perfection. He came closer than the rest of us did by his age, but you have to be unhinged to do that. The only remotely 'perfect' people are either complete wrecks privately or they lack a certain human empathy.

[Anonymous No.21970419]

>>21970399
I think you're right in that. Most people can become happy by choice and effort. There is no reason I have to be who I am. But I also don't see any reason for trying to be that other, happy man. A happy existence is not necessarily better than a miserable one. The sum of my life - any life - is always zero. Or, not zero, since that's still a quantification in a sense, rather: there is no sum, for there is nothing to be meaningfully measured. Unless, I suppose, there is some higher purpose to our lives and actions, beyond the material and subjective. But I can't justify such a belief, much as I want to.

I realize how intentionally miserable and perhaps self-pitying what I write sounds, but I don't know enough english to deliver it well. I'm also no philosopher, and don't know the theory concerning these positions.

[Anonymous No.21970442]

>>21970313
As >>21970378, I agree with your take here. The best reason to stick around and the best source of feelings of meaning are connections to other people, and if anyone here is actually feeling suicidal and wanting to remedy that, trying to bond with others is what I would recommend (after long walks through nature). Even the religious almost always get their value from a close community.

[Anonymous No.21970444]

>>21970400
You really talk too much for a slave.

[Anonymous No.21970454]

>>21970444
Maybe I am the jester kind of slave.

[Anonymous No.21970476]

>>21970442
You can only make connections to people if other people are already predisposed to want to make connections to you. Do you think autists can go out into the springtime sunlight air and magically form bonds with people to whom they are nothing?

No, I quite like my solitude. It gives me time to think. Being with other people is absolutely the most depressing thing imaginable and it's advice like this that shows me we still rely on happy-pills to keep people going.

[Anonymous No.21970480]

>>21970454
Romanticise it however you like, at least try to live a modicum of your life for others.

[Anonymous No.21970487]

>>21970080
I rest my case

[Anonymous No.21970492]

>>21970476
I am a misanthropic shutin spectrumite and my day is ruined when I encounter another person in the woods or I hear laughter in public. Believe me, I know. I hate trying to connect to other people, and any person I've accidentally made bond to or come on to me, I ghosted in days. I still stand by what I said above.

[Anonymous No.21970493]

>>21970309
Good post. I've articulated many times to myself that life is simply the awareness that we are dead: inert matter organized in such a way that it believes itself to be alive in order to replicate. That doesn't take the miracle of what consciousness is away, but it does put into perspective the absurdity of even existing and the even more absurd conclusion that, when we die, there will be something *more* to expect.

[Anonymous No.21970501]

>>21970480
I was trying to poke fun at myself, don't be so damn hostile. I don't mind helping others, but I won't live for producing 0.0001% more garbage per hour.

[Anonymous No.21970517]

>>21970492
I appreciate your honesty. I don't mean to attack you but more so the idea you brought up. I'd like to believe in what you said: in an ideal world, I'd get over my ego and narcissism and allow myself to form bonds with people, even if they were people I could absolutely do without seeing ever. But there is no will to. I wake up tired every day. I don't have the energy even to care about myself, let alone try to talk to someone else. I don't care about other people. I don't fucking care about myself except in the most basic way of feeding myself and thinking about what I want to achieve.

I own nothing of myself. I am simply *for* myself because I have to be, because there is no other way.

[Anonymous No.21970518]

>>21970501
Huh, sorry. Have you not got some urge to get good at something, if that's not fulfilling?

[Anonymous No.21970570]

>>21970419
A happy existence is not better than yours? Why then do you wish to terminate yours yet happy people don't? This should logically imply there are parts of experience/existence you're not privy too(yet).
Another error in your thought was when you said you didn't want to be "the other, happy man". You'd still be "you", only happy.
About sums-even if something is meaningless it exists, also meaning is something inherently subjective, meaning your projected your own purposelessness onto the world itself. It being subjective however makes it no less real(I can go I to more detail here since it's stuff that interests me most but is peripheral to the discussion).

What you went on to realize was exactly what I'd hoped you'd realize. Running into such errors in my thoughts was what finally made me get therapy(not go to one, but actually put my own work into it), and it was probably the best decision I made. If you think I'm wrong on any bit of this I'd love to argue further.
>>21970442
Yes, that was the one thing I didn't manage to devalue(my connection to my younger sister). I later found out it's not up to others to connect to me-it was up to me to connect to them. If there are none, high chance one isn't able to recognize such opportunities as life is littered with them(unless you are a literal hermit far away from civilization itself, and even then, internet makes it moot).

[Anonymous No.21970579]

>>21964489
>>21964491
This is actually the mindset of most high achieving zoomers
When covid put a one (1) year speedbump into my career plans I became an intensely suicidal satanist misanthrope

[Anonymous No.21970589]

>>21965936
"tired" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel about today's media-ruled hellworld and trump's (ergo western rightoids') complete failure to properly engage with it

[Anonymous No.21970606]

>>21970225
Honestly the only reason I haven't yet killed myself is because a lot of people I hate told me to kill myself and I know some people from my past would be happy about my death for reasons of modern politics
I will literally endure hell on earth just to deny those people that little happiness. I know they feel that way because I'm their diametric reflection and I felt happy that one of them killed herself due to a chronic pain disorder

[Anonymous No.21970629]

>>21970606
I have another important question anon. Do you think reactions define a person? Does it represent the person's values and such?
I don't think so but you seem to, hence why I ask.

[Anonymous No.21970630]

>>21970517
I don't see why one wouldn't be honest among strangers this total. I'll say right now I won't help you. Not because you're "too far gone" or because I don't want to do with you specifically, I simply don't know how to help others through these things.

I can relate to what you write, I think. I don't have a will to improve, I'm perpetually exhausted, most days I don't say even a word. But the important bit, I think, is the not caring. If you don't care about other people, don't care about yourself, and don't have some other thing or concept to care for or about, what reason is there to be or do at all? I'm in a similar position, so I can't give you an answer. The meaningful connections anon talked about, however, can give a feeling of meaning, if temporary. Dinner with family, a board game with acquantainces can give you some sense that it is important whatever you -think- is meaningless or not. I'm not close to anyone at all, but that little I get from friendly interactions with these people is still a sense of meaning that I don't get from elsewhere. I don't know what your situation is like, or if you have the kind of short fits of mania that I do to make you seek out contact, but if you are on casual speaking terms with anyone at all that could be it.

Of course, there is no will. I understand that. That is where I am at, also. Waiting to die. But there isn't much to say on that, is there? I described it like you read above and I haven't found a way out. Maybe this was empty rambling, but I guess that's fit for an anon in a temporary space like this.

>>21970518
I don't, no. I think that's fairly common to people who echo these sentiments. I've studied perhaps a dozen different subjects for a single term each and found nothing to be passionate about in any. Don't mean to be dismissive, there's just not much to say here. I've often described my feelings on myself and my potential/future as "I don't care what happens to me or where I end up or what I do or even who I am. I could die in traffic tomorrow, become a idle rich millionaire ceo, or be evicted and freeze to death in the street. I feel nothing about any of those possibilites. It's all the same to me."

>>21970570
Hum. I'll need to think on this. Give me a minute.


Sorry to shit up the thread with shallow angst this bad, but I hate just leaving replies be.

[Anonymous No.21970633]

>>21970290
I'm autistic and I hate all change. Positive change isn't worth it, there's no such thing as neutral changes, and negative changes are terrible, terrifying, horrific even if they don't """directly affect me""" (everything in this world directly affects me because I live in it)

>>21964240
based, as a neurotic parvenu I love reading about the suicides of people more successful than me, and their loved ones' reactions to them. That said, these people aren't mentally capable of sufficiently suffering from the deaths of their loved ones. Even that small pleasure I get out of life from the suffering of others is tempered by its insufficiency. God, all humans should really fucking burn in hell many times over. I don't think infinity is enough but I can't express in words what "enough" would mean.
Let me try. I wish every soul would be fractally broken down into infinite conscious minds which could all experience their torturous negation and destruction, repeatedly, with no possibility to adapt to their situation and no respite to be found, and this process either cycling forever or dragged out into infintesimal parcels of time. FUCK

[Anonymous No.21970648]

>>21970629
It's not about values or essences, it's simply about denying any victory no matter how small (a passing thought of "oh nice, anon killed himself") while taking those same victories myself as long as they aren't lame normalfag everyday copes (like "oh nice, the ham's on sale" or "I got a sweet deal on that lease!!"). They have to be substantial matters of life and death or mass politics yknow. Those are the only worthwhile things in life, everything else is just a slog

[Anonymous No.21970652]

>>21970633
This is beautiful. Reminds me of Heathcliff's complete misanthropy and lust for others' pain but you've rendered it more succinctly and poetically. The sadistic desire in ourselves to see other suffers is so primal and so wonderful and it needs to be looked in the face and recognized as the reality that it is.

>>21970630
Thank you again for what you've written. I can only say I hope things get better for you. You're an intelligent and feeling person and that needs to be recognized. I hope you find peace, purpose, and will.

[Anonymous No.21970653]

>>21970492
Were you always like this or it happened over time? Just curious to know the story of a misanthrope

[Anonymous No.21970681]

>>21970633
>Let me try. I wish every soul would be fractally broken down into infinite conscious minds which could all experience their torturous negation and destruction, repeatedly, with no possibility to adapt to their situation and no respite to be found, and this process either cycling forever or dragged out into infintesimal parcels of time. FUCK
Based, what led you to this realization

[Anonymous No.21970700]

The almost cursed difficulty I've experienced trying to bond with others would be enough to make even the staunchest redditfag renounce his materialism. "Auras", "vibes", immaterial effluences of the soul, are real. I am tired.

If there was a word that could capture everything I despise about myself, it would be: flaccid.

[Anonymous No.21970718]

>>21970681
Not him, but you might think that's how the universe came to be to begin with.

[Anonymous No.21970730]

>>21970718
Explain

[Anonymous No.21970734]

Bonding with others is already always purposive: how much does the other person get out of associating with you? Your popularity and your ability to get on with others has absolutely nothing to do with you: you are always already negated and objectified the moment you are projected into someone else's world, either as someone who positively reifies the other or as someone who makes the other feel uncomfortable, the latter of which means you're fully discarded. This process happens instantly and there's nothing to be done about it.

[Anonymous No.21970749]

>>21970734
"Autists" instinctively know that, more often than not, they're making the other person uncomfortable (or at least providing a handy index for what real stimulation is - and you're not it), so their aversion to social interaction is justified. And if they kill themselves, so was that, too.

[Anonymous No.21970760]

>>21970730
>infinite conscious minds which could all experience their torturous negation and destruction, repeatedly, with no possibility to adapt to their situation and no respite to be found, and this process either cycling forever or dragged out into infintesimal parcels of time
You might think that this is what the universe is.

[Anonymous No.21970771]

>>21970749
And that's something I've faced. The fact already of what I am, the fact that I'm making the other person uncomfortable, is a fact that, attached to the other, that person with whom I'm currently associating, makes me uncomfortable. So it's a mutual reciprocity of discomfort. I'm uncomfortable by their being discomforted by me and so they can give me nothing that would help me. It is a fucking hell that makes me sympathize with >>21970633 in wanting to see every human ever suffer for eternity.

[Anonymous No.21970799]

>>21970771
I internalize that feeling. I feel like my presence is a scandal to them, and should be blotted out. Can either of us imagine a world where we "positively reify" others in most cases? Would we want to live in that world?

[Anonymous No.21970801]

>>21970771
Another thing I've noticed is that I'm never teased nowadays by others. I used to be relentlessly bullied as a child but in entering the workforce no one jokes around with me, they're always nice and vain and polite. I've given it some thought: to tease me now would be to give in to the notion that I'm someone worthy of being teased. To tease is so human, so social, so ingrained in us; it is a recognition that one is on par with another, that as I tease you, I am teased back, and we are together in our teasing. But to *not* be teased is to show how different and apart one really is from the group: to be protected from teasing, to always be saturated in that fake, sickly kindness of theirs, is to be aware of your own otherness, your infinite distance from the group. Teasing is the basis of practically every relationship and I'm simply not teased: I am removed from the group. I am effectively nothing. I hope, if God does exist, that humans go into an afterlife when they die where every atom of their bodies is soaked in pain for all of eternity and that the pain does not abate.

[Anonymous No.21970818]

>>21970799
That's a good question. I've never been in a position I've been aware of where I was objectified by the other in a way that positively reified them, that made them *need* me in the most basic way with all the concomitant components of "looking up to me" and respecting me as a figure. It just wasn't in the cards. There is nothing about me that would make others look up to me, let alone die for me. I am an object in the world that *forces* others to momentarily interact with me by the nature of my presence, but practically I hold a little more relevance than a door. I am an object in the way and I'm afforded only the most basic social niceties in order to remove me.

Is that your experience? What do you imagine that world would look like? How have you come to terms with this and where do you think I'm wrong?

[Anonymous No.21970830]

>>21970760
If we're thrown from the Ground and into this world defective, we're guiltless. Hartmut Lange's Positive Nihilism is a big Heideggerian refusal to apologize to the void for being a mediocrity

[Anonymous No.21970860]

>>21970681
Growing up I never understood why hell was such a controversial idea. It seemed obvious to me that unrepentant evil belonged in hell. The early realization that nobody gives a fuck about other people going to hell, only getting defensive about themselves going there, was really impactful in shaping my opinions of that concept and of people in general.
Speculative fiction like IHNMAIMS broadened my understanding of what "hell" could mean while experiencing life, history, normalfags in the real world, sleaze online and IRL, it all contributed.
There's just no argument against the type of maximalism I've described. Pessimism or misanthropy in general, even the milquetoast neutered variety, is always countered with either low-effort insults or "what about good thing X" which in reality represents an attempt by the other person to shield their ego from the criticism. They'd even drag down what they hold dear in life to shield their ego.
There is only the fact of inadequacy and the need for retribution both of which trend to infinity

[Anonymous No.21970867]

>>21970818
I don't think you're wrong. My point was a universe where someone like me is desirable and worth "looking up to" would have to be reinvented from scratch. It can't be a universe that selects for beauty, intelligence, complexity, for one. Let me put it another way, and in even more radical terms: there is no conceivable possible world where I am loved for who I am. So for me, being angry at others is nonsensical. I am just forced to witness my own "torturous negation and destruction" like the other anon said. I'm not judging you for directing this aggression outward. Let it flow. Fuck this world.

[Anonymous No.21970881]

>>21970633
Have you experienced severe pain? Not mental anguish, but the kind of intense mundane pain that wholly and totally fills your mind and leaves you in shock just writhing and desperately praying for death? I might very well be very mistaken, but I'd like to think people who have experienced pain would never even consider wishing eternal suffering on another. No amount of disgust and disdain or feelings of persecution and betrayal would make me understand that.

>>21970570
That's an interesting idea about happy people not wanting to die. I don't think it is really true - I remember feeling happy a time back when I was intending to kill myself very soon - but generally, it's right. Vainly enough I fancy my suicidal ideation to be intellectually motivated. Or perhaps consciously is a better word, considering I don't actually know much about the topic? Either way, that means I'd like to think I'd continue even if I were happy. And naturally I have been happy (is there really no word to distinguish between happy mood and happiness with life in english?) and know what it's like, so I don't think that there is some vital part of existing that unhappiness is hiding from me.

Yes, I'd be the same person as far as that's possible, I was only trying to make clear the separation between the currently-manifest-man-that-is-me and the potential-man-that-is-me.

Meaning as inherently subjective is something I've never been able to accept, and I imagine here more than anywhere else is where my lack of theoretical knowledge on the subject hinders me. To me, meaning has always intuitively had to be objective, or at least not derived from man, and the idea of subjective meaning has always seemed, well, meaningless. We act and think arbitrarily, so to let man create meaning would be to base meaning on arbitrariness, which to me is an opposed concept. And how can it be meaningful if it is effectively randomly made and discarded?

I'm not clear on what you mean I realized. That I'm making myself miserable? I'm aware, yes.
>>21970652
Don't give empty flattery. I'm sure you're very well intentioned, but you don't (and indeed can't ever, for obvious reasons) know that I am that which you give me credit for. You're pouring it on much too thick. But yes, thank you and good luck.

[Anonymous No.21970891]

>>21970860
>The early realization that nobody gives a fuck about other people going to hell, only getting defensive about themselves going there, was really impactful in shaping my opinions of that concept and of people in general.
This. Great way to articulate something I've felt for a while now. The idea that people can be okay with other thinking, feeling humans in excruciating pain for all eternity is probably one of the strongest arguments for why this entire human experiment needs to drown in agony forever.

>>21970867
I didn't mean to imply you found something wrong with what I said; I should've added "where, if anywhere..." But that's right and that sentiment of not being loved for who you are is something I completely sympathize with you on. What I've tried to do is recognize that other people are simply carrying out the concepts that biological imperatives have imposed upon them. Just as they see me as an object, I objectify them as simply forces of nature with the capacity for speech, and ultimately in a way that's freeing to me. I wouldn't get mad at hail for breaking my car: it's nonsensical. We attribute our anger at other human beings because we believe they're actually self-conscious of what they're doing. They're really not, even if they're smart. They simply *do*, and language and rationality come later.

[Anonymous No.21970906]

>>21970630
>Hum. I'll need to think on this. Give me a minute.
I have to return this one to you, I'll respond if this thread persists tomorrow as I'm off to a rave
One quick thought though
>Don't give empty flattery. I'm sure you're very well intentioned, but you don't (and indeed can't ever, for obvious reasons) know that I am that which you give me credit for.
Maybe he gave you credit for something he saw in you which you don't see yourself. Wouldn't be empty then.
Maybe he's not wrong in valuing something that you devalued, maybe your perception even if more informed isn't more objective.

[Anonymous No.21970908]

>>21970881
>Don't give empty flattery. I'm sure you're very well intentioned, but you don't (and indeed can't ever, for obvious reasons) know that I am that which you give me credit for. You're pouring it on much too thick. But yes, thank you and good luck.
You are right and at the same time I won't apologize for doing so, as it's all too easy to impose one's self-consciousness onto others as a palimpsest. Nonetheless, I do wish you something akin to the peace that I wish for myself, and I hope that is enough and not overstepping. I will now cease this endless stream of language, which ultimately can only have meant nothing because I can never capture what you are through the mediation of the self that captures me.

[Anonymous No.21970913]

>>21970653
I'm sorry to disappoint, but there is no story. I was insecure, emotionally unstable, vaguely mentally unsound and socially stunted from the get-go, so I can't remember not being bitter and sceptical of people. Though I eventually remedied the first two of those issues somewhat, it's simply been the cumulative hostility, lies, disappointment and betrayal. I think the last one has had the most effect - the few I've really trusted all came to hurt me through it, and now I actively shut people out. It all sounds very dramatic and emotional, but it has all really been very mundane. Well, it wasn't in the moment, I suppose. I just lack the language, I think. After that, it's simply been the bitterness that comes from watching the world. I've heard these sorts of things can result from a lacking home situation, so I'll add that I have no memories of my parents or grandparents being together or seemingly happy and my none of my siblings have ever known me or each other.

And I should say that I might have overstated my misanthropy. The post you quoted is absolutely true, I hate being around people and I would like to see humanity hang and all our works burnt to the ground. But, I still value politeness, don't mind helping where I can, don't wish endless suffering on anyone, and don't know that I can truly hate.

[Anonymous No.21970917]

>>21970891
I'm the second anon you replied to. I agree with all of that, and hope you'll excuse me misrepresenting your views. I don't have anything else to say. I hope you find some kind of peace.

[Anonymous No.21970939]

>>21970917
I wish peace to you as well. As >>21970881 said, I can never attribute anything to you because my attributions are meaningless in the face of a self that is mediated by itself (i.e., I don't know anything about you and certainly not about me and can never know), but just the fact we're engaging on this tells me an awareness of minds as minds has been reached.

Only peace and love.

[Anonymous No.21970943]

>>21970801
it seems you are a self deprecating retard that hates himself. it's the only way someone could turn a thing as banal as not being teased into something as negative as that. it's a job environment where people are not too close to each other, you are more colleagues than friends so it's normal that they don't tease you. and you are probably autistic as fuck around them and don't invite teasing or any kind of close relationship that would involve that so they will treat you even more seriously and so on

[Anonymous No.21970953]

>>21970943
Because the onus is on me to somehow *invite* others to feel comfortable in teasing me. Of course it's on me. You've illuminated it wonderfully. I'm going to jump onto my next Teams meeting and *checks notes* not be a "self-deprecating retard" and "autistic as fuck."

Thank you. Bless you.

[Anonymous No.21970960]

>>21970939
>>21970908
Judging by this, I can only suppose I came across as hostile. Sorry, that wasn't my intention. I appreciate it, but unmerited compliment feels worse and hollower than insult, which is why I wrote as I did.

[Anonymous No.21970962]

This thread sucks

[Anonymous No.21970969]

>>21970960
>>21970908
The obvious reasons were meant to be that I'm not intelligent or feeling. I see how that sounds bad now.

[Anonymous No.21970979]

>>21970969
I only "complimented" you because as a self that recognizes itself, I see myself as intelligent and feeling, and I, however erroneously, attribute those facts to self-conscious beings who I believe present as such (in analyzing the fluency and reflectivity of their language in a way that I do mine).

I am a computer. I simply stated some observation about the world based on how I perceive the world and myself through the lens of my self-consciousness. Please don't take what I said as a compliment. We are all in hell.

[Anonymous No.21971010]

>>21970962
niggas is working shit out and then there's this faggot

[Anonymous No.21971014]

>>21964265
>He couldn’t think of the effect that his death would have on all of us.
>[He] lost the capacity to be able to think about how much we loved him, wanted to help him and would be devastated by his death.
I've been better as of late but when I was seriously considering suicide I just didn't care about how other people would take it. When I thought about how it would tear my family and friends apart the only thing I could feel was pure apathy, and in that sense I understand how people can deem some suicides as being selfish. No idea if he felt the same way, but it's not so black-and-white as "He didn't think about how we would feel" / "He wanted to hurt us."
>>21964387
>Not long after his death my mother asked me why Anthony couldn't just muddle through like the rest of us
It's this thought that really freezes you inside. The realization that there is no idyllic light at the end of the tunnel, that life is just some daily malaise that everyone but you has learned to put up with. Even if you can still feel joy at certain things, like books or hanging out, when you have the perspective that he did you eventually get tired of it all, and you'll come to feel like you've lived enough.
There's a lot of words and phrases for suicide, but in this case "checking out" is what it starts to feel like personally.

[Anonymous No.21971015]

>>21970881
>Have you experienced severe pain?
I don't know if you think these would count:
Probably the two worst things that ever happened to me in terms of acute physical pain were food poisoning where I couldn't sleep for two days straight and kept vomiting and shitting blood into the toilet every few hours - back and forth, shit, hunch and vomit into toilet with foul bloody shit, take another dump - and secondly, an anal fissure that lasted for months accompanied with constipation induced by medication and diet (over half my meals were company-catered dogshit premade sandwiches).
I've gone through a lot of mental anguish and more everyday acute & chronic health problems that have come and gone, but specifically answering your question, that would be it.

[Anonymous No.21971024]

>>21971015
The human body is such a horrifying thing to be in, of, with, and for.

[Anonymous No.21971025]

>>21970953
>is on me to somehow *invite* others to feel comfortable in teasing me
yes, you think people just tease everyone they meet? they don't, it depends on their character and the character of the one they could tease, and how well they know each other and where they are in that moment and lots of other things

>'m going to jump onto my next Teams meeting and *checks notes* not be a "self-deprecating retard" and "autistic as fuck."
i know it's easier said than done, but yeah that's what you should do if you want to form closer relationships with others

[Anonymous No.21971026]

>>21971014
Suicide is absolutely selfish. That said, nobody who is a spectator to suicide has the fucking right to complain about how THEY were victimized by someone else's SUICIDE.
Actually, if someone leaves dependents behind, then I get it. This first-world oversocialized retard shit, on the other hand, is despicable.

[Anonymous No.21971043]

>>21971025
I'm getting better at it day by day. Learning the quirks and the nuances and idiosyncrasies of what you humans call "social communication." Abhorrent, but it's doable. Short of brain surgery, however, I'll never be able to dance to your tune. The tune itself is already out of tune, and my being out of tune is attuned to a different tune--a veritable tuned-out tune to tune.

[Anonymous No.21971050]

>>21971024
I can't really bring myself to hate the banal aspects of the human condition. I don't care about war, death, everyday calamities, malice, or helplessness.
I care about how, when humans are freed from these things, they become vindictive self-righteous perverts who will 1. use the aforementioned things (now unfamiliar to them) as an excuse for nihilistic narcissism, and 2. perpetuate the same things elsewhere, again, self-righteously. Everything past the Belle Epoque is sheer proof of that, although we can easily go back farther than that.
The essence of humanity can be seen in the elites and in modern first-worlders. Any goodness in humanity is a survival adaptation and happens explicitly in spite of human nature, which is otherwise selfdestructive. Even today when the climate crisis explicitly frames all of humanity as a self-fumigating vermin horde, the people who allegedly care the most about the crisis REFUSE to hold core aspects of humanity accountable beyond mere lip service, and insist that the crisis is a reason to treat humans like sympathetic victims INSTEAD OF VERMIN! They hold elites accountable while intrinsically feeling envious of elites. The problem is not the already obscene wealth in which we/they live, it's the distribution of that wealth which does not allow normies to be twice the catabolic locusts they are.
These people especially are not only vermin, they're superficial, retarded, shortsighted, contradictory, completely insubstantial tumors with just enough agency to make themselves a nuisance, and tangentially, the only atheists worth their salt were Stalin and Mao.

[Anonymous No.21971063]

>>21971015
I really can't say, I've never had food poisoning or an anal fissure or seen anyone go through that. I didn't actually expect an answer, I can't say this or that level of pain meets my standard. I just don't get wanting that for others. Well, I do, but not forever. I can take sadistic joy in seeing evil men punished just as much as the next guy, but not in cruelty for the sake of it.

[Anonymous No.21971069]

>>21971050
Great articulation. Frustration is such a catalyst to good, articulate writing. I feel everything you've just said and it's excruciating to think about. "Insubstantial tumors" sums up most of humanity quite deliciously: we consume so much around us and think somehow we're entitled to anything.

I am comforted by the fact that every self-important, cannibalistic, verminous human being will have their brains completely consumed by worms and will thereby give back more to this world than they ever will in their lifetime. And they will finally shut the fuck up forever and be eternally negated.

[Anonymous No.21971071]

>>21970913
thank you

[Anonymous No.21971073]

>>21971050
>>21971069
Too based for this planet.

[Anonymous No.21971089]

>>21971050
So it's hypocrisy and hedonism? And presumably you name Stalin and Mao for the death they caused.

[Anonymous No.21971096]

>>21971089
It's all hypocrisy and hedonism. If I were a stronger person and could completely subsume my will, I would starve myself to death. Even wanting to starve myself to death means my will and ego are too great.

Other things have to die for me to be alive. They will continue dying for me for as long as I live. I have to eat other living things with wills of their own to survive. I am the destroyer of organic life, eating because blindly I have the will to.

[Anonymous No.21971099]

>>21971096
>If I were a stronger person and could completely subsume my will, I would starve myself to death.
You know what you must do. The Cathars did exactly this. The final fuck you to the world-tyrant.

[Anonymous No.21971109]

>>21971096
I see. I've heard that human life is an excellent engine of entropy, also. The starvation has symbolism, but killing yourself in water or the wilds can allow your body to be reintegrated into the natural system. Getting eaten back. Unless you also hate non-conscious eaters and destroyers.

[Anonymous No.21971112]

>>21971099
Yes. I was thinking about Schopenhauer last night (though I don't know if he makes explicit mention of the Cathars). I have the greatest respect for those who die by voluntary starvation. The will has been completely obliterated. There is not even a "will" to die. It's the absence of all will. Final unity with nature, the spirit, whatever you may call it. I have the deepest and most profound respect only for them. It is precisely the most powerful "fuck you" of all to everything because it's not even articulated as such: it's completely outside of relation, it's final unity and completion. I fucking love it.

[Anonymous No.21971119]

>>21971112
I was going to mention Schope, too. I agree completely. I can't think of a greater and more total renunciation than depriving my body of sustenance, quite literally cutting the umbilical of water and organic matter that keeps me tied here. It's beautiful. I only have a greater respect for auto-cremator monks, and the like. But should I? Starvation is a long and drawn-out process. It's so weird to find someone who so emphatically supports this practice. It's been on my mind, too. Feels like a synchronicity :^)

[Anonymous No.21971122]

>>21971109
I can't bring myself to hate non-conscious decomposers like maggots and worms, which will eventually consume me whole. They have no self-importance, no ego. They are the most honest things in the world. It's nothing personal for them that they will destroy all trace of me. They will do more with me than I will ever have done for myself. As you mentioned, I will be "reintegrated into the natural system": they do this unconsciously and automatically and it is their will to live, which I myself will have exercised all the way up to that point. It's altogether fitting that I will give back after my parasitism.

I do hate sometimes the thought that this will happen to genuinely good people. That's my one qualm. I think for most people it's something they deserve. I certainly am going to work for the rest of my life on accepting this fact for myself and on recognizing in the present that I am nothing more than food-in-waiting. I do not deserve anything more.

[Anonymous No.21971132]

>>21971089
I name Stalin and Mao because unlike all the humanist idiots who call themselves atheists because their civic religiosity isn't historically conventional, those two acted consistently with the core premises of their worldviews.
This was just a tangential afterthought.
I'm not the other poster who replied to you. Hypocrisy and hedonism are core elements of the problem, but that would be oversimplifying of course. I'm personally torn between self-denial and overtly, self-consciously promoting and continuing the cycle of abuse. I have the sense that the latter would give more people what they deserve for a while longer. Antinatalists and adjacent are generally pathetic frustrated humanists, gnostics and adjacent are using esotericism to cope with suffering instead of facing it, although neither concept is inherently unsalvageable.
At this point I'm multitasking and my responses will only get less organized. Glad to find some common grund in this thread

[Anonymous No.21971157]

>>21971132
How would it give them what they deserve for a while longer? As an individual I don't see you extending the cycle by more than a second or so. If your conflict is about punishing or attempting to be better, surely self-denial is the given choice when the effect of the other is so miniscule. Or do I misunderstand? And if you're a theist, what is holy or has divine purpose to you?

[Anonymous No.21971158]

>>21971132
I am the other poster and apologies for not distinguishing myself from you. This is quite good stuff and I have nothing to add.

>>21971119
Absolutely. It's quite beautiful and profound to think about. I don't think I could ever do either option (auto-cremation or starvation), although I wonder if my periods of involuntary fasting (just forgetting basically to fucking eat) are tangentially related to that complete abnegation of sustenance. I guess what I'm asking is what the actual first-person perspective is of someone who starves themselves. Are they conscious that they're even starving? Is it just one long fast that the person forgets to break because there's simply no will to? Of course it's a deliberate act but then how can one be intentional about starving if the will to do *anything* is simply not there?

I'm spitballing. I don't know if I'm even making sense. It is such a fascinating thing to think about.

[Anonymous No.21971197]

>>21971158
Death by dry fast is an already practiced method of assisted suicide. Probably some interesting material out there to research.

[Anonymous No.21971229]

>>21969951
Oh I know how it works. This low iq fatty is happy and alive and greek god jew boy is worm-food.

[Anonymous No.21971233]

>>21971229
Not him but that's a point that's fascinating to me. Being alive is already a conquest, an infinite victory over the dead. How crude, how profound, how barbaric is this fact. He is not even worm-food anymore: he isn't *there*. At best he is invisible energy, completely and irrevocably *gone*.

[Anonymous No.21971237]

>>21964291
Hey, not everyone can pull off the bald look anon. And you don't want to be that dude who wears a beanie.

[Anonymous No.21971286]

>>21970881
>That's an interesting idea about happy people not wanting to die. I don't think it is really true - I remember feeling happy a time back when I was intending to kill myself very soon - but generally, it's right.
Seems like I won't be in time for this thread, it's already over 300 but it's been great even if I didn't participate as much as I wanted to.
In case you want to talk more about any of this stuff, however mundane, self pitying or even if it's a pointless distraction from whatever, i'll trust you/this thread with my disc, i'm always up for talking to strangers about this stuff
mgB#5752
if you reach out I'll respond to stuff I didn't get the time from this thread, if you don't, best of luck anon

[Anonymous No.21971390]

>>21964470
Then why'd you try to diagnosis him dumbass?

[Anonymous No.21971407]

>>21971286
Best of luck to you and to everyone I wrote to in here. I don't communicate with other beings except anonymously: it would break the illusion of my solipsism.

Thank you all! See you again next time.

[Anonymous No.21971455]

>>21964240
Anthony was a punk-ass bitch who fell prey to petite bourgeoisie standards of ethics and morality. He did not realize the inherent hypocrisy of the petite bourgeoisie and so took their mandates much too seriously.

I don't pity this guy and I'd avoid his entire family because they're the reason he killed himself.

[Anonymous No.21971462]

>>21970492
This is actually a great way to live. People suck. I don't understand how anyone can look around them and think what's going on is ok.

[Anonymous No.21971478]

>>21970492
And yet you post here. Why, if you hate connecting with other people?

[Anonymous No.21971507]

>>21971462
It's not great, but it's a way. Refusing the bad doesn't make the alternative good.

>>21971478
These were my first posts in months. I reacted to the text, and was drawn into conversation, which I hate to just drop. I don't think 4chan discussion is connecting to other people, do you? It's very impersonal.

[Anonymous No.21971539]

>>21971286
I sent a request as SF, as far as I can tell that's the only way to start a chat there. I don't really have anything more to say, but I'll read and try to respond to any remarks you had

[Anonymous No.21971706]

>>21970867
> There is no concievable world where i am loved for who i am.

I wonder Anon, are you evil or repulsive in some way? When we start loving someone often it's an external reason, like you meet someone who you find attractive, or someone who is kind to you.

But when we continue to love someone, their flaws become positives. For example, if someone is perfect and doesn't need me, there my love is useless to them. If i share a twisted outlook with someone, we can see each other in a way outsiders can't.

I must admit i am deeply curious what causes you to feel this way. What do you think it is that makes you unlovable?

[Anonymous No.21972816]

>>21964285
She's not wrong, honestly

[Anonymous No.21972885]

>>21971706
>I wonder Anon, are you evil or repulsive in some way?
Yes.