/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.2147618]

Hey /lit/, I'm working on this poem for a girl I like. Let me know what you think:

You burning ray who
occupies the space between two stars,
your open palms are pouring
down a river of light.
Water and honey run together
down your cheeks
like silver saws, cutting away.
Barefoot on top of the water-tower,
where the wind moves in waves
and tides through the trees.
It lifts you and bends you
out into the atmosphere.
Upwards! Up and away
through the sky.

[Anonymous No.2147629]

that's a degas. this time i'm not getting it wrong.

anyway, don't write poems for girls you like, but it seems like a good poem on a quick scan.

[Anonymous No.2147632]

You twinkling ancient light
self-sufficient without heat
to warm the distance between
the void of interaction and caress.
But as my eyes greet your shine,
as my face kissed by your smile
unscathed by the troubles of travels and
our pasts we meet in fundamental.

The crests of waves around me
cold to my skin
still winking back at me
at you
your light finally warming the water
the stones and my heart.

I liked it.

[Anonymous No.2147633]

>>2147629
Why not? She liked the poems I wrote for her before. But thanks, though.

[Anonymous No.2147634]

>>2147629
He even fucking signed it for you, good job

[Anonymous No.2147635]

>>2147632
That's a really nice poem, who wrote it?

[Anonymous No.2147637]

>>2147632
Of course, I could deconstruct it further by adding somewhere the following lines:

And as Death stares me down from beyond time
beating
me
down to the cold thing in my
gut
making me laugh at one of god's finer jokes:
That which warms me is a message from the past,
a love letter in a bottle from a star already dead,
the wish to sweeten my soul and set it on fire
from beyond your grave.

[Anonymous No.2147638]

>>2147635
Thank you. I did.

As I said, I liked your poem.

[Anonymous No.2147655]

bump

[Anonymous No.2147738]

I want this to be as good as I can make it. Any comments are appreciated!