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/lit/ - Literature

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[ERROR] No.2145368 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, could you rate my poem for me? I haven't been writing for long but criticism is welcome.

Color floods to the spot, dull purple.
The rest of the body is all washed-out,
The color of pearl.

In a pit of a rock
The sea sucks obsessively,
One hollow thw whole sea's pivot.

The size of a fly,
The doom mark
Crawls down the wall.

The heart shuts,
The sea slides back,
The mirrors are sheeted.

>> No.2145372

>>2145368
What is it about?

>> No.2145391

>>2145372
It seems he's a serial killer

>> No.2145408

read more poetry. study what makes a poem tick.... then start writing

>> No.2145438

>>2145408
Anti-sage.
Can you guys give me some tips on how to improve my poem?

>> No.2145445

>>2145438
How about putting a funnel into an asshole and the 2nd whore pukes into it? After the ass is filled with puke, a cock then fucks it until the pressure is all built up. After the Asshole has been fucked hard enough, the cock is pulled out and the Anal cannon explodes! To top it all off, ass to mouth occurs, with both ladies licking off the fresh mix of vomit and ass for the ultimate tip on how to improve my poem!

>> No.2145456

>The mirrors are sheeted

What did you mean to get across by ending your poem this way?

I would be a little bit more evocative. This kind of terse-ness and ambiguity would be good for the beginning of a prose scene but not necessarily a stand-alone poem. I don't need to know exactly what you're writing about but in this I got nothing out of it.

The second stanza made zero sense to me. The sea sucked obsessively is just a strange image.

>> No.2145480

>>2145456
>The sea sucked obsessively is just a strange image.
Can't be unseen.

>> No.2145498

Pic of guy with dick in ocean and word "the sea sucked obsessively.". That'd be nice.

>> No.2145501

>>2145498
Not as nice as a funnel placed into an asshole, and then the sea pukes into it. After the ass is filled with puke, a cock then fucks it until the pressure is all built up. After the Asshole has been fucked hard enough, the cock is pulled out and the Anal cannon explodes! To top it all off, ass to mouth occurs, with both ladies licking off the fresh mix of vomit and ass for the ultimate anal dessert!

>> No.2145508

Come on guys, can you stop making fun of my poem. There's not meant to be anything sexual about it. I've had depression for a long time and the poem is meant to show the imagery and fatality of that state.

>> No.2145513

>>2145508
Why don't you just kill yourself instead, if you're so depressed? You have absolutely no poetic talent, it's pure drivel.

Or maybe go the fuck outside and live, instead of shutting yourself away writing this shit.

>> No.2145515

>>2145508
>There's not meant to be anything sexual about it.
lrn2poetry

>> No.2145523

>>2145513
Fuck you, man. I'm trying to show people my inner feelings because that's how poetry functions. If you're so calloused and careless to the world then maybe you should be the one killing yourself.

>> No.2145529

Color floods to the spot, dull purple.
The rest of the body is all washed-out,
The color of pearl.

>this is okay besides the "all" in the second line.

In a pit of a rock
The sea sucks obsessively,
One hollow thw whole sea's pivot.

>the sea sucks obsessively is not good. It makes me think you couldnt come up with anything better than suck. And it reminds me that this poem sucks... Obsessively. And "One hollow thw whole sea's pivot." wat??? That sucks obsessively.

The size of a fly,
The doom mark
Crawls down the wall.

>I'm not following this. The doom mark is okay.

The heart shuts,
The sea slides back,
The mirrors are sheeted.

>the sea slides back sucks obsessively. Don't use sheeted. Find a better way to say this.

In fact when I think about it

>I actually like sucks obsessively
Just not in this poem.

>> No.2145531

>>2145523
Hey, you can have as many feelings as you want. Just don't express them artistically, Lord Byron's already rolling in his grave as it is.

>> No.2145534

use the mighty power of the penis, OP

>> No.2145537

>>2145529
Thanks for the tips. I'll try not to suck quite so obsessively next time. I've got another poem which I could use some help on, if you guys don't mind.

The woman is perfected.
Her dead

Body wears the smile of accomplishment,
The illusion of a Greek necessity

Flows in the scrolls of her toga,
Her bare

Feet seem to be saying:
We have come so far, it is over.

Each dead child coiled, a white serpent,
One at each little

Pitcher of milk, now empty.
She has folded

Them back into her body as petals
Of a rose close when the garden

Stiffens and odors bleed
From the sweet, deep throats of the night flower.

The moon has nothing to be sad about,
Staring from her hood of bone.

She is used to this sort of thing.
Her blacks crackle and drag.

>> No.2145549

>>2145537
So deep,
I am so deep,
Inside her. . .
Inside her anus.
And she shits blood.
And I swim in it.
I am a monkey
She is a mushroom flower
- in bloom she becomes an atrocity.
And I ask,
"Is this even bestiality anymore?"
"No. . . This is love."
And we pray to crying statues.
They fall from the trees
Leaves,
Leaves bitch
Fucking leaves.

I hope for rain.


You can rate my poem OP. :)

>> No.2145562

>>2145549
over 9000

>> No.2145577

A poem about life

It's red outside when it's red outside
Like the moon dissolved in an orange sun
Moon juice flowed into the sun
and transformed it green the blue te dying red.
Oceans turn gay.
Sqwauk.
The bird screams!
Bango bongo
An ant has an orgasm.
Even ants have sex and you stay at home jerking it to people jerking it to themselves.
Fuck my head hurts.
Advil kills the pain with a rusty knife.
My dick hurts - think I'll get it removed.
The ocean sun makes me want sunny D.
I drink sunny D.
Fuck.

>> No.2145584

"Trust love even if it brings sorrow.
Do not close up your heart."
"Ah no, my friend, your words are
dark, I cannot understand them."
"Pleasure is frail like a dewdrop,
while it laughs it dies. But sorrow is
strong and abiding. Let sorrowful
love wake in your eyes."
"Ah no, my friend, your words are
dark, I cannot understand them."
"The lotus blooms in the sight of
the sun, and loses all that it has. It
would not remain in bud in the
eternal winter mist."
"Ah no, my friend, your words are
dark, I cannot understand them."

-The Anal Cannon Guy

>> No.2145596

OP here. Very funny, guys. Here's another poem I wrote.

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two--
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

>> No.2145599

...and once more, /lit/ saved the day.

>> No.2145602

>>2145596
So deep.

so deep

>> No.2145621

>>2145596
Have you ever heard her read this?

It's like getting fucked in the ear with a long fingernail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hHjctqSBwM

>> No.2145634

>>2145621
Truly it is god-awful. I think it's a common trait among poets to be fucking terrible at reading their own poetry.
Have a listen to Eliot read The Hollow Men, he's worse than Plath:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fu8awT5Jzs