/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.2102563]

ITT: 4chan's classic stories

[Anonymous No.2102565]

[Anonymous No.2102573]

>>2102565
>…because men liked that. All men liked that.

[Franz Liszt !!ixFboNvY7Y1 No.2102589]

>>2102565
...what did I just read.

[Anonymous No.2102630]

The Penis Was

[Anonymous No.2102637]

>>2102630

[Anonymous No.2102997]

bump

[Anonymous No.2103446]

>>2102565

[Mr. Noc aka Future Boy !RXm61rnmYY No.2103451]

>>2102630
Who here has this masterpiece?

[Anonymous No.2103465]

>>2103451
It's on chanarchive.

[Anonymous No.2103529]

>>2102563
That was beautiful. A tear ran down my face.

[Anonymous No.2103542]

>>2102563

[Anonymous No.2103552]

>>2102565

[Anonymous No.2103558]

>>2102565

[punchmaster No.2103568]

bump, I hope you guys have better stories

[Anonymous No.2103683]

[Anonymous No.2103694]

>>2102565

[satan !OW9DVqIqy6 No.2103706]

>>2102563

this is the funniest thing i've read in weeks. what is the sauce

[satan !OW9DVqIqy6 No.2103710]

>>2103706

no op the post below op*

[Anonymous No.2103719]

>>2103710
It's The Petals Fall Twice by Chip Zdarsky. It's one page from a non-existent book

[satan !OW9DVqIqy6 No.2103727]

>>2103719

that's disappointing... hilarious stuff though.

[Anonymous No.2103732]

The single most touching story I've ever read on 4chan, followed by one of the funniest
Good thread is good

[Anonymous No.2103738]

>>2103719
Damn. I was hoping there'd be more. That was hilarious.

[Anonymous No.2103744]

I miss /r9k/ sometimes.

[Anonymous No.2103777]

>>2103744
>read all the way through
>no epic ending
>realize i just wasted ten minutes reading a thread about someone complaining

[Anonymous No.2103800]

>>2103744
Oh my god, I remember that, shit was so awesome.

>>2103777
That's because you didn't get to read /participate in the rest of the thread. Everyone decided that OP was a whiny little bitch and that Cain was the coolest guy in history, and the rest of the thread was basically us lauding Cain & the OP desperately trying to convince us that Cain sucked.

Good times...

[Anonymous No.2103826]

>>2103800
That Cain guy does sound pretty fucking badass

[Anonymous No.2103828]

>>2103542
Fionn was confirmed fake though.

[Anonymous No.2103862]

>>2103828
Proof?

[Anonymous No.2105417]

best thread

[Anonymous No.2105440]

[Anonymous No.2105444]

Refugee from /k/. Anyone interested in /k/ lit? it's all I have on my computer.

[Anonymous No.2105451]

>>2105444
Let's see what you got

[Anonymous No.2105455]

[Anonymous No.2105457]

2/7 I think

[Anonymous No.2105458]

THE DAY CAPSGUY WAS BORN IS AN INTERESTING STORY FOR ANYONE ON /LIT/ THAT'S BEEN HERE FOR OVER A YEAR.

[Anonymous No.2105462]

mostly weapons related humor in in-jokes. I feel bad I didn't save anything that doesn't suck.

[Anonymous No.2105464]

4chan political treatise from a while ago.

[Anonymous No.2105467]

[Anonymous No.2105470]

[Anonymous No.2105476]

[The Real Livingstone !9ny7iQxqW6 No.2105472]

>>2105457
>>2105455
>>2105462
>>2105467
This isn't a real school paper. You can tell by the teacher's writing. He writes all of his letters the same way.

[Anonymous No.2105477]

[Anonymous No.2105478]

some more political ranting

[Anonymous No.2105505]

>>2105478
People argue this way? This poorly?

[Anonymous No.2105520]

>>2105505
I never implied it was good. Fuck libertarians.

[Anonymous No.2105558]

>>2105505
Yup, see this:

>>2105464
Not a Christfag, but hell wasn't described in the bible (at least in the old testament), Satan was *probably* god's servant/angel but he definitely wasn't the asshole he is portrayed to be, some of the quotes are metaphors or only make sense with context, they actually mention "Gods" in the bible implying Yahweh isn't the only divine being with power, and from what I understand the sacrificed animals took all the sin you had and Jebus was supposed to the 'ultimate' sacrifice where he took everyone's sins or something. This is of course mostly from the old Testament, fuck the shitty gospels

As for the whole "Who created God?" then "What caused the Big Bang?"

[Anonymous No.2105559]

<---highly recommended

[Anonymous No.2105568]

bump

[Anonymous No.2105573]

>>2105558

>"What caused the Big Bang?"

It's a trick question almost, or it at least requires some out of the box thinking. However, it can't be answered, but it also isn't the right question.

Why? Because the Big Bang is the supposed creation of everything--matter, energy, laws of nature...

Laws of nature? Yep, the one that states action/reaction or cause/effect. Hence, how can you ask what created the Big Bang when the very law that qualifies that as a reasonable question did not exist?

[Anonymous No.2105603]

>>2105573
you do not know astrophysics just because you watch the big bang theory. please refrain from thinking you can explain complex scientific theories because you watch the discovery channel a couple of hours a week.

[Anonymous No.2105794]

>>2102563
singlemanlytear.jpg

[Anonymous No.2105888]

need more stories like these.

[Anonymous No.2106197]

>>2105603

I love when people say these things but say nothing to prove that they don't apply to what they just said.

[Anonymous No.2106232]

baw thread time

[Anonymous No.2106235]

but the best girl would:

Be JUST 18 and the prettiest girl anyone's ever seen. SHE WOULD BE NICE AND SWEET AND CARING. THE ONLY THING SHE WOULD CARE ABOUT IS ME. HER GENITALS WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT AND TOTALLY SHAVEN!

We'd be in her parents room after just having eaten a four fucking course meal and she'd be nude and quietly crying because I'd imply before dinner that I'm considering a break up.

'When I look into your eyes I see two wasted fuckholes' I'd say shirtless with my flabby penis poking out from my bone tight blue jeans and two Export A GOLD cigarettes on the go.

When we first met she'd have told me that she hates tattoos and I'd respond by getting ninety percent of my body covered in them- ALL TRIBAL.

I'd cock my head back to take three quick hand alternating puffs to blow the smoke in her face before she could respond.

'You're sweet' she'd cough, rubbing on the right eyebrow of her perfectly made up face.

By then I'd have one cigarette finished and I'd put it out on my corresponding nipple while bouncing my penis.

'I didn't catch that' I'd put my cigaretteless hand to my ear while taking another puff and my conical penis would jiggle slightly.

'You're...' I'd cut her off by taking a quick step toward her to sock her in the braces.

She'd be keeled over and covering her mouth. I'd grab her three earrings to rip them all out at once. 'Never liked these' I'd scoff, tossing them away.

She'd have to struggle hard to keep her crying quiet and blood would leak from the gums above her two indented front teeth. Her braces would be contorted slightly to the approximate shape of my middle and index knuckles.

[Anonymous No.2106236]

'You got somethin' stuck in your braces, freak.'

She'd raise her hand to cover the mess from my sight and I'd wind from behind my head to slap it away, spraining her wrist. She'd check to see if her wrist was broken and I'd jam my fingers under my blue jeans and into my anus.

When we met she'd own a dog and I'd force her to suffocate it by jamming it's snout into her vagina. It would take too long so I'd kick it's backside until it's neck broke. I'd cut it's head off and I'd make her carry it around inside her for the next few hours while cleaning the house as punishment for ruining the show.

I'd suck the rest of the life out of my remaining cigarette to put it out on the back of her neck, to get her attention.

'No, not there,' I'd jam my stinkfingers into her mouth, busting her braces in two, 'here.'

I'd hook her mouth from inside with my fingers and underneath with my thumb. Tears would pour from her face and I'd grab her hand, cupping it over my fat scrotum and possibly erect penis. She'd massage it expertly and I'd blow the last of my cigarette into her face.

I'd rip her head back and forth and she'd make grotesque gagging sounds.

'Suck it dry.' I'd command.

She'd drop to her knees and she'd try to pull my fingers out of her mouth, I'd jam them in further, 'If you can't finish all of your gravy you aren't getting any dessert.' She'd slurp them back in to finish and I'd pull my fingers out to smell them, 'Clean as a whistle.' I'd say while smacking my lips

[Anonymous No.2106240]

She'd be crying loudly, so that I could get an erection, and her parents would come rushing in. She'd start to lick the top of my erection as they would lecture her about being promiscuous while giving me the "thumbs up."

I'd tell her to piss so she'd start to stand to go to the washroom and I'd chop kick the top of her head into the floor. I'd hold her blonde head down until she pissed all over her parents' bearskin rug. Her father would take his belt off to rip her backside open while I'd be violently teabagging the back of her head, the feeling of her breaking nose on the floor under my taint would be tremendously pleasurable. I'd spread her ass cheeks and her father would whip her vertically, being EXTRA FUCKING CAREFUL TO MISS MY FINGERS.

Her mother would squat over her back and her piss would pour down her daughter's disgusting tramp stamp and all over my little girlfriend's back. She would bend her arms back to shield me from getting any of that mess on my legs and I'd dislocate her elbows to twist her arms into a more effective position.

I'd secretly grip the gat in my ankle holster and then I'd jump up unprovoked and with absolutely no warning to slam the mother back and on top of her husband instantly shooting both of them in the kneecaps and then in their heads.

She would go and lay on top of them with her bloody ass in the air with no questions asked. Her father's nerves would cause his legs to shake and I'd let them because she'd cry harder when she'd see them move.

I'd dip my nub into her vagina and I'd jiggle up and down until I came inside. Since I wouldn't allow her to take birth control pills (it's unbecoming), I'd fire my self defense pistol into her vagina.

[Anonymous No.2106238]

I'd put my hands on the back of her head and would thrust my knee into her cheekbone, which would collapse her face causing her tongue to squish out of her mouth and her eyes to leak down her face. She'd fall back and the crater would fill with blood and it would look like soup. I don't like soup so I'd snap my fingers and her face would push out, back to normal, which would cause pain twice as severe as on the way in.

Her eyes would be blood red and her face would be covered in dark purple stains.

I'd put on my aviator sunglasses and my white cowboy hat.

On our first christmas together, which would have once been her favorite holiday, I'd get a tree and put thirty five gifts underneath. She'd run downstairs excitedly christmas morning to open her gifts. She'd let me open my gift first, I'd toss it fully wrapped directly into the trash. She'd open her first gift to find a dead stinking rat, for a moment she'd look upset so I'd cock my fist back, and she would smile wide, giving me a hug. For each and every wrapped rat she'd do the same, more excited and happy each time, I'd have my fist cocked from start to finish. At the end of the gifts I'd tell her to pull her jammies down and to get down on the floor face into the ground and her ass in the air. I'd pack her anus and vagina more than full with rats, 'This is what happens when you leave crumbs on the counter.' Blue-grey sauce would be pouring from between her legs and pink tails would hang from her two protruding and rounded mounds of genitalia. She'd be crying and would need surgery. She wouldn't bother me about christmas again.

[Anonymous No.2106242]

She would grab at her groin screaming and crying with such intensity that it would make any man sick. I'd stomp her stomach a few times squirting blood from her hips and into the air. I'd step on top of her knees and pull her legs in half by her ankles leaving them at right angles.

I'd take the butt of my gun and smash both sides of her ribcage and with my gun hidden I'd flip her over to hack her nipples (with admittedly some of her breast tissue) off with my thirty five inch machete to serve them to her like sloppy cookies which she would gladly accept. After sucking all of the meat from her nipple rings she'd gesture at me as to say she'd like to spit them out. I'd shake my head so she'd swallow them whole.

'Do you love me?' she'd ask.

'I want to marry you.' I'd respond, she'd look delighted.

She'd think that behind my back would be the engagement ring she'd shown me months ago in the jeweller's magazine which I'd have promptly wiped my ass with and stuffed down the front of her shirt.

I'd reveal the gun, relishing her disappointment for a moment before beating her forehead open. I'd eat her brains before dozing off to sleep fully nude in her parents' bed.

When I'd wake up in the morning she'd be completely recovered and nude at the foot of my bed with breakfast and a fully fueled blowtorch to start the day once again.

Amen.

[Anonymous No.2106245]

fuckin woah

[Anonymous No.2107053]

bump

[Anonymous No.2107105]

I wanna hear more stories

[Anonymous No.2107106]

Isn't there one where Richard Nixon fucks Tao Lin?

[Anonymous No.2107431]

>>2107106
hahahahaha

[Anonymous No.2107438]

NEW PORN CHAN - For the love of God, be a contributor, not a leecher! Enjoy.

http://slutchan[DΟТ]us/board/

Be sure to bookmark.
>>2102563

[Anonymous No.2108165]

read it

[Anonymous No.2108440]

>>2108165
cool.

[Anonymous No.2109782]

moar.

[Anonymous No.2109788]

You guys should appreciate this pasta:

>Starved for entertainment, go to Gamestop, see game sitting behind thin pane of glass, so close.
>Break glass, steal game. Caught by police. Sentenced to 5 years, because I can't pay.
>Feel unjustly imprisoned, end up spending almost 2 decades in jail because I keep trying to escape.
>Finally get out: unemployable due to record, hotels won't even rent me a room
>Finally find a local clergyman who offers me a room for the night
>He feeds me and even lets me play with his DS -- it was valued at TWICE what I had stolen, but he TRUSTED ME
>Naturally, I steal the DS at night and run
>Get stopped by police who think I'm shady
>They see me with the DS and ask me about it, I tell them it was a gift from the priest because he pitied me
>They take me back to the priest and make me tell him my version of the story, I brace for jailtime
>He tells them it WAS a gift, and even gives me all of his games for it.
>After cops leave, he tells me he has bought my soul for God
>I leave, break my parole, sell the DS and games, invest the money wisely in business and in stocks
>Become rich, respected business owner, elected mayor of the town I'm hiding out in (under an assumed name, of course)
>One of the police officers who helped run the prison I was in gets reassigned to work in my town
>Over time he recognizes me, and tells his superiors about me
>They don't believe him, but another man is brought to trial for my crimes because of shitty eye witnesses identifying him (he looks a lot like I did)
>I end up going to the trial and admitting my guilt
>Forced to flee so that I can take care of an orphan
>Hide out in a convent as a gardener for 10 years while orphan grows up
>Finally leave, adopted daughter gets seduced by an anarchist
>THE SAME FUCKING POLICE OFFICER FINDS ME AGAIN
>Forced to flee country amid revolution
>Save the lives of the anarchist AND the police officer
>Die of old age due to stress
FUCKING GAMESTOP

[Anonymous No.2109795]

>>2109788
ok its clearly fucking les miserables but the way its written is so convoluted if i didn't realize it instantly i wouldn't have known at all

[Anonymous No.2109797]

>>2109788
Casterbridge more like Asperbridge am i rite

[Anonymous No.2109809]

>>2109788
This reminds me of something.

[Anonymous No.2109825]