Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.20267848]

[Anonymous No.20267850]

[Anonymous No.20267970]

>>20267850
Is that last part just a rip off of Eliot?

[Anonymous No.20268041]

>>20267848
I hate poetry. Can you recommend me something that isn't shit?

[Anonymous No.20268088]

>>20267848
I am naturally an AFRIKANG — a coal-black, bulky Kang of the sub-Saharian deserts or the tropical savanna — a Zulu murderous beast — a predatory rover of Egypt and Ethiopia — a conqueror of wh*tes and sissies and founders of Empires — builder of pyramids and Memphis — a son of the sun and the desert winds, and brother to the singing dunes and sand of times — a drinker of wh*te's blood from new picked skulls — a friend of the imponent elephant and feeder of spotted hyenas — a dark beast of eternal sun and dark oceans — a prayer to Shangu and Aganju and Osiris and KARABOGA, the raucous shouter of WAKANDA — a comrade of the lions, and rider of wh*te pussy

[Anonymous No.20269247]

Not mine btw:
This dust was once the Man,
Gentle, plain, just and resolute—under whose cautious hand,
Against the foulest crime in history known in any land or age,
Was saved the Union of These States.

[Anonymous No.20269636]

Looking Behind•Looking Under

Great distances we’ve come
Today, stretch out your legs
Feel the beat, the pounding
The great failures of Time
These ideas, these waves
Defying provenance, giving respite;
I’m fixed to the gunwales.
With this broken down chaff all apart
Endless leagues of gold
Tucked all, way way down there

Giant steps and leaps traveled
Goals at perfect gait;
Fruition bought and paid.
And the dried out Bones…
To say we wait is heretical
Patience can’t come to these rolling tides
These maddened and barking virtues,
Birthing eternities at a time
I’m swept in the wake, plaintive
Daily jagged groping with doom
The deep burgundy washes clean the
Slate, down to the bare carbon

Today, fold your clothes
Sort and count, tally.
Number these stars of ours
In between toes; sun-kissed
Wind caressed

How do I improve my metrical cadence

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20269690]

>>20267850
Overall I like it though my bias is I want more musical effects on a line by line level, a few of the uses I wouldn’t exactly compliment due to sparseness, “frozen metal-mind” implies the opposite of frozen, for alliteration produces speed which is the opposite or the frozen feeling you desire. I also do not see much value in the “there exists” for it doesn’t add anything to each stanza nor does it morph in meaning much from line to line.

Reminds me of a Less concrete form of this poem.

L’oubli

The temple's ruin crowns the promontory.
Close-shrouded with the root-enwoven sod,
The marble goddess, the bronze demigod,
Mingle their broken and their tarnished glory.

Sometimes a lonely herdsman, going past
With horn that sobs some plangent old refrain,
Filling the air and the calm seas again,
Arises darkly on the clear blue vast.

Mother of gods, the mellowing earth will teem,
And all the vain sweet eloquence of spring
A fresh acanthus for the column bring;

But man, oblivious of his fathers' dream,
Untrembling hears the Nereusean moan
Of ocean grieving for the sirens flown.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20269694]

My God! Ah God! Oh God! God! Oh God! Ah God! My God!

For each in time is well in kind from welkins sublimed dwells
A line from God most high who rights each type by right of light;
Glories the sun’s pure light the fountain well of life whose swell
Glories the moon’s passed light the dark-night-eye of dreams whereby
Glories the stars pray’r light the angel rays their bare sight’s gaze,
The gaze! oh God the rays where-from the days had gained each phase
Of gain and pain the same as weighs the play of God with clay.

The clay! the earthen ray, the shoot shot grey, the man astray,
Makes him to say “a refuse slag and haggardly I lack”
Grotesqueries the limitless allayed but when he prayed
Grotesqueries of black were made to crack as highly stacked
Grotesqueries of cyclopean stone by winds there blown,
Blown as a flute the earthen cruse gives moan of speech the groan
The screech of each and ev’ry thing that roams and speaks and drones,

The drone! the essence from the honeycomb! it seeks unknown,
The presence’ root, the fruit? the clang and fume, refined perfumes;
Grandeurs the earth by corpse and flowers grown thereby the bones
Grandeurs the man with limber limbs to loom as a great rune
Grandeurs the art as kanglings sings the bee’s sting’s secret key,
Key to the everything that breathes and teems on land or Sea
Or star-fledged skies that billow-brim with free-falls bolts from thee,

Thee! in eternity ye yearn with me my deity,
Thee’s birth in me! re-versed quickly, me’s birth in thee! The Word!
God is the first, and earth’s asleep, though seeps, divinity,
God is the hurt, unheard, and worse, deserted, cursed, he thirsts,
God is the mirth, each birth was worth the pain, they weren’t vain,
Vain is the dreams earth’s cities see, their lanes he deigns to slay,
Burst in eternity! and gain agayne the bubble’s frame.

The frame! of fanes and famous places raised to praise your name,
Housed! in the wellaway woe howls and empty hearted men!
Golden their figures glitter, gleaming, changing form and stains
Golden their tresses, hems their dresses, gems their necklace, threads
Golden the strings that clew like chains homeric sphered and squared,
Squared and with compass compassed, come pass there, the camel’s stare,
The eye! they dare the needle, beetle-bare, they sport the air!

Cont

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20269699]

>>20269694
The air! the open air! where pray’r spoke airward soars and fares
Past the basilicas of nature, past green-glass sheened grassed
Gethsemane whose flowers basking beared the Christ’s knees there
Gethsemane’s peace eased the hourglass those hours passed
Gethsemane adrift as rocks torn swiftly by the shift,
Shift by the gift of God the great who lifts the soul and sifts
Through time’s sand for a man and mends the rift and clefts you if;

The Whole the psyche soul and somatic bound spirit knows
Who from of old has held since eld the self itself of self;
Gone is the dint that gilds the gold with gold and moulds the mould,
Gone is the hint of highplace, halls and healthy revel’s spell,
Gone is the glint from flame, the flame from light, the light from sight,
The Sight! in that, the sight, which sees not light but hides in night,
Immortal is the sight which brides the light, where God delights.

[Anonymous No.20270130]

Bump

[Anonymous No.20271154]

>>20269247
Who wrote it?

[Anonymous No.20271325]

I just wrote this, it is called In Love (with an extra from Seinfeld)

I saw you on my screen,
Episode seven, season eight,
barely a glance that I could glean,
spotting you not chance but fate,
you had a shy, downtrodden glare,
yet golden, luscious hair
and that rosy hue,
made me fall for you.

[Anonymous No.20271572]

Godlike glitters vivid blue
Once a dreamy rythmic hue
Now matters not
I do lament
For new perception I have got
A part despair, a part inclined
Focus up my precious time
I will confide within this line

If a time were I am blue
I thank no one for what I do
Does it offer malcontent
When my ignorance is spent?

The woodpecker pecks
At willow bark it nests
The copper crested one
Will bare my only son
I'll build within a time and think
The prose of vision makes succinct
All the matters thank and think
Eyes are met with eyes
Under the visionaries skies

[Anonymous No.20272874]

>>20271325
Post her

[Anonymous No.20272997]

>>20272874

[Anonymous No.20273084]

>>20271325
>you had a shy, downtrodden glare,
yet golden, luscious hair
Terrible syllable flow

[Anonymous No.20273470]

My horizon
is fixed
onto what I’m sighting
by the angle of my eyes arising,
deciding
the height of suspension
at which
light that flies in
—to my head—
is hung.
And a ring inside is rung
so that
what was once outside residing
arrives in to lie and lie in
side of
my head.

[Anonymous No.20273478]

Love is a
Li
Lac

Shoots out of
My sack

Onto your
Bare back

Love is a
Li
Lac

[Anonymous No.20273482]

>>20271572
Can someone give me some feedback for this? Cheers

[Anonymous No.20273485]

Among the things I'm hoping
Isn't further moping.
On a graph is graphed:
Gratitude, sloping
Up and down—up and down.

And though I'm always coping
With what I'm absorbing,
It breaks me when I
Move too quickly from
Smile to frown—smile to frown.

[Anonymous No.20273521]

This poem is about
>bipolar 1
>think I talked to God
>hit up religious girl and fall in love with her in a convo

Etymology of mania is mainomai, it's like some ritual a seer (called a mantis back then) would get into so they could talk to God. This is my poem about it. I don't write poetry a lot so I'd love any feedback
If upon one restless night,
In the distance I see a bush come alight,
Would it be the thistles or my mind burning bright?

If I'm the mantis, what God did I evoke?
If I'm the manic, how do I stay silent when God just spoke?
These wide eyes are starting to scare the calm folk.

Mainomai speaks to me in tongues of divinity,
Was this madness responsible for that synchronicity,
did I ever love, Trinity?

[Anonymous No.20273527]

This poem is about
>bipolar 1
>think I talked to God through Jungian concept of synchronicity
>hit up religious girl and fall in love with her in a convo

Etymology of mania is mainomai, it's like some ritual a seer (called a mantis back then) would get into so they could talk to God. This is my poem about it. I don't write poetry a lot so I'd love any feedback


If upon one restless night,
In the distance I see a bush come alight,
Would it be the thistles or my mind burning bright?

If I'm the mantis, what God did I evoke?
If I'm the manic, how do I stay silent when God just spoke?
These wide eyes are starting to scare the calm folk.

Mainomai speaks to me in tongues of divinity,
Was this madness responsible for that synchronicity,
did I ever love, Trinity?

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20273583]

>Godlike glitters vivid blue
>Once a dreamy rythmic hue

Very strong and effective trochaic rhythm with very pretty combination of alliteration and assonance/rhyme, but while I compliment the sound I must speak against the sense, “godlike glitters vivid blue” sounds almost like mush, the problem is solely “godlike” because the mind doesn’t want to read it as an adjective but as a noun in of itself, it sounds like you desire “godlike” to “glitter” which obviously is not the case, but if this is removed I think the color/conception is immediately very clear “glitters vivid blue”


>Now matters not
>I do lament

These are fine, I’ve no positive nor negatives.

>For new perception I have got

Bad, your attempt at rhyming and keeping an iambic rhythm has produced a clunky sentence “perception I have got” feels stilted, not-got rhymes often are but the filter feel of “I have” makes it worse.

>A part despair, a part inclined

Good musicality.

>Focus up my precious time

Nice switch to imply urgency.

>I will confide within this line

Dislike, feels masturbatory insofar as it feels empty in most of the syllables other than confide (itself feeling over much) and line.


>If a time were I am blue
>I thank no one for what I do

The meaning is strained by the monosyllabic style chosen, this is demonstrated by the next two lines being much cleaner.

>Does it offer malcontent
>When my ignorance is spent?

My complaint with these is this is too short of a poem for what feels like dialogue, if like, say it was a play and this a portion of a longer speech sure this would be perfectly fine.


>The woodpecker pecks
>At willow bark it nests
>The copper crested one
>Will bare my only son


You’ve lost hold of the vision of what you wanted for the poem I feel, the line doesn’t follow the previous stanzas not even thematically/aesthetically.

>I'll build within a time and think
>The prose of vision makes succinct
>All the matters thank and think

Very playful, but not much more than that.

>Eyes are met with eyes
>Under the visionaries skies


Ending continues the final theme but just feels relatively empty, eyes-skies rhyme especially.

[Anonymous No.20273595]

>>20273482
Terrible eye-rolling rhymes. Also it seems annoyingly narcissistic. Grammar inconsistencies that if intentional only add to confuse. Confusing pacing, that makes your core ideas hard to decipher. Not a fan sorry anon.

[Anonymous No.20273621]

Кoгдa я читaю aнглoфoнcкyю пoэзию, мoи глaзa нaпoлняютcя cлeзaми - нa cвeтe бoлee oбдeлённыe cpeдcтвaми выpaжeния языки вcтpeчaютcя в глyбинe aмaзoнcких джyнглeй или Бaнтycтaнe - мнe cтaнoвитcя жaль вceх, кoмy нeдocтyпны кpacoты языкoв c бoлee чeм двyмя пaдeжaми - вы дeти бeднякoв, взpaщeнныe бeз пoнимaния cвoeй нищeты, милыe и нeвинныe дeти, кoтopым пpихoдитcя кoвepкaть cтихoтвopнyю фopмy и лиcтaть чacaми cлoвapи тoлькo для тoгo, чтoбы нa пapy йoт пpиблизитьcя к Пyшкинy, Блoкy, дaжe Бoдлepy и Peмбo - бeдныe, бeдныe, бeдныe! Кaк бы я хoтeл pacцeлoвaть кaждoгo из вac и cкaзaть: "вcё бyдeт хopoшo, тoлькo бpocь игpaтьcя в пecoчницe и выyчи дpyгoй язык!"

[Anonymous No.20273639]

>>20273583
anything for me? >>20269636
I’m not technically proficient and would like to improve.

[Anonymous No.20273667]

>>20273595
>annoyingly narcissistic
The point of the poem is actually the complete opposite. It is about coming to terms with growth and development of character, and changing your opinions on things.

[Anonymous No.20273717]

>>20273621
>TNNSC (ti nikogda ne stanesh chelovekom)
protip: pidorashka ne chelovek, a mashina rastvorennaja v ontologicheskom kommunizme i iz-za etogo edinstvennim modusom sobstvennoj realizacii vibirajushee slepoe nasilie.

[Anonymous No.20273723]

>>20273667
Just seems like a self-important internal monologue with basic nursery rhyme that’s been disguised with dynamics

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20273743]

>>20269636
I like the nautical taste but your metrical controls are off, not that they’re needed so I won’t hammer you about them, if you really want to get better you need read more poetry related to the sea and recite irl your own poetry to yourself to see if it sounds lovely or not.


Looking Behind•Looking Under


>Great distances we’ve come

I dislike the opening because the placing/enjambment of “today “ makes the first line empty, I do not get the full conception you desired to imply, you can argue you placed “today” in the next line to imply distance, but even so I dislike it.


>Today, stretch out your legs
>Feel the beat, the pounding


These are fine but you must realize that “stretch out your legs feel the beat” would all be said as a singular sentence with no in between, I’m not telling you to hurrr fix your grammmmmar, I’m telling you because practically the breath effect of “stretch out your legs, feel the beat, the pounding,” is very different from “stretch out your legs feel the beat, the pounding the great failures of time.”

>The great failures of Time
>These ideas, these waves

This part makes me wonder if this is based on the portion of moby dick, where he compares the waves and whales to the forms and his boat to the act of contemplation, is this the inspiration? If not definitely look for the chapter.

>Defying provenance, giving respite;

Fine

>I’m fixed to the gunwales.
>With this broken down chaff all apart

Utilitarian

>Endless leagues of gold

I really like this line, the rhythm of END-less LEAGUES of GOLD, being this much more stable trochaic feels very nice with the sense. Perfectly nautical, very masculine.

>Tucked all, way way down there

“Down there” is terrible, does not fit the register established, feels childish.


>Giant steps and leaps traveled

Feels too unconnected, as do the next three lines.

>Goals at perfect gait;

I like the sound of it but nothing more.

>Fruition bought and paid.
>And the dried out Bones…

Incredibly due to the imagery not flowing in a sensible way.


>To say we wait is heretical

Feels pretentious because the term heretical is out of place, only existing to sound more grand, I get the context of the conceit you designed but it still feels wrong.


>Patience can’t come to these rolling tides
>These maddened and barking virtues,

Cont

[Anonymous No.20273747]

>>20273583
I thankyou for your criticisms, and can tell you didn't completely dislike my poem. I do, however, disagree with some criticisms you have. I definitely disagree with the criticism calling:
>I'll build within a time and think
>The prose of vision makes succinct
>All the matters thank and think
Playful. This is very important thematically, and certainly isn't just for the sake of being playful.
Also the point in using Godlike was to imply ignorance, so your opinion on the sense of the lines is a misconstrued understanding. I'll grant you that the woodpecker part isn't fleshed out nor easily interpreted, so removal wouldn't be too much of a problem.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20273751]

>>20273743
You’re doing something you almost never want to do, blending the conceptual-abstract with the concrete, it is incredibly difficult to do well and if done well it can be incredibly excellent, but in such cases as these they produce no mental perception. “Maddened and barking virtues” shows me nothing in my mind’s eye, patience is better but only by a little.


>Birthing eternities at a time

I like it for the paradox of birthing eternity in time.

>I’m swept in the wake, plaintive
>Daily jagged groping with doom

Dislike the usage of doom otherwise it’s fine.

>The deep burgundy washes clean the
>Slate, down to the bare carbon

Terrible terrible terrible word usage in “carbon” Itself being too unlike the rest of the poem to be justified.


>Today, fold your clothes
>Sort and count, tally.
>Number these stars of ours
>In between toes; sun-kissed
>Wind caressed

Feels AI-generated, the narrative between today and sort I can kinda see, but after that I’ve not the slightest clue.


>How do I improve my metrical cadence

Read more poetry and scan when you see interesting sounds.

[Anonymous No.20273752]

Whose pussy is that? I think I know.
Its owner is quite sad though.
It really is a tale of woe,
I watch her frown. I cry hello.

She gives her pussy a shake,
And sobs until the tears make.
The only other sound's the break,
Of distant waves and birds awake.

The pussy is divine, flaming and deep,
But she has promises to keep,
Until then she shall not sleep.
She lies in bed with ducts that weep.

She rises from her bitter bed,
With thoughts of sadness in her head,
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day with never ending dread.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.20273760]

>>20273747
Fair enough, though I will say the sense felt obscure, I think that’s reasonable.

[Anonymous No.20273766]

>>20273752
passed and pussypilled

[Anonymous No.20273767]

Brilliance lays on the sea floor.
Oh dignified coral reef.
Perform an oration with your vivid hues.
Declare the ingenuity of the Octopus.
The darting eels and stationary sponges.
Of all the defiantly curious crustaceans.
Dazzling with swift cut appendages!

Clams cultivate your kingdom.
Repetitious arrays of seaweed sway.
With elegance no salt could preserve.
Rocks rest like contents of opulent Gallions.
All strewn across the ocean floor.
Resting untouched.
Yet tarnished and corroded.

Your diaphragm awakens a vibrant cacophony.
Graciously dancing in great swills of current.
Precious jewels of the ocean.
Plucked like sun ripened fruit.
Let sink slowly into the bleakness.
Where no hands will disturb.
All desolate, all sublime.

[Anonymous No.20273789]

>>20273485
Amongus? susy ngl
>>20273478
transsex
>>20273470
no
>>20271572
rhimey yet empty
>>20271325
eating pussy like a pizza
josef fritzl
also the Beatles.

[Anonymous No.20273884]

phallic amongus corroded reason
another season
lost 'em
after I've bossed them
you such a sussy baka
pissy and flossy
your hair messy
I love sleeping
not seeing monsters
daytime mind makes
poetry into waste
where the ditch
rises to grace
all other is way too complex
gifts of pooetry: enter with open arms
high hangs ancient pottery
they say their origin is Mars
I broke my face now I'm Diamanda Galas
and bill gates of syndrome (of a d-wn)

[Anonymous No.20273901]

>>20273767
Any thoughts Frater?

[Anonymous No.20273995]

>>20273743
Thank you very much. Criticisms noted and will be considered next time I make an attempt. Yes, it is partially Moby Dick inspired. To further clarify, the overarching concept is a traveler resting and enjoying himself in a new environment, while the narrator describes the unalterable depths and how we futilely continue to try to tame them. I could go on with the explanation but that’s my best attempt at a succinct one. Thanks again for reading and critiquing.

[Anonymous No.20275062]

Bump

[Anonymous No.20275767]

>>20273752
Actually try for once

[Anonymous No.20277305]

Buz buz

[Anonymous No.20277684]

I don't enjoy being the last poster in a thread
before a silence descends
that's a burden
makes me confused
'murder?'
'what is the basis of poetry?'
pestilence and the waiting
for the Spirit to raise the dead
'another commie dream'
to compensate for an'
'insufferable inner scream'
that's a way to look at it, yes
there is another: a paradox + sex
a fugitive, attempting to grasp itself
subtle cringe as a vaccine for a high taste aids

[Anonymous No.20278085]

>>20273527
Can I get feedback on this bros

I read some other poems and now mine feels way too on the nose and not as cool

[Anonymous No.20278147]

>>20267848
His mouth ain't foul.
He doesn't talk big.
He doesn't talk loud.

His clothing very geltemen-like.
Never he wears anything unfitting.
Never he wears anything flamboyant.

His deeds are very welcome in moralist's eyes.
He gave away all he had.
He never started a fight.

Dead man's good man.

[Anonymous No.20278182]

>>20278085
I like it anon, nothing wrong with a simple concept. Are you saying in comparison to poems by anons itt or just you read more poems in general?

[Anonymous No.20278190]

>>20278147
Death is square.

[Anonymous No.20278192]

>>20278147
Death is square. Good.

[Anonymous No.20278241]

Today, coming.
Tonight, waiting.

Light: incandescent.
Baby blues: softly bathing.

Brain—decompress!
Fingers—tiddertodder

The lids of our deep mirrored pools,
They will close!
They will close.
Tonight in soft blues
Set in soft light:
Today comes soon
Our voices—together—
Will commune.

[Anonymous No.20278243]

Pic rel