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i dont read books but im writing one, im completely retarded, please give me advice, heres a sample.super tldr, immortal guy who ends up being sad and a disappointment.
heres how i write dialogue, please give me advice, i seriously want to make this as good as possible, ty
>>19647485I'd like to hear more about how he was born a week after his mother's execution. I'm imagining Guts falling out of his mom's womb as she's hanging from a tree.
>>19647485You're summing up things in the intro that should be expanded into at least 30 pages each.>What is Reprobi? Etymology, architecture, culture, laws? (Add any at your will)>Priests of who?>why was the mother executed? why is Servant capitalized? Was it really a kingdom with 500 people escaping it? Expand this shit, and stop trying to bust a nut so quickly.
>>19647505the idea is a little bit inspired by berserk yeah, can i sneak that in later on in like a flashback sort of thing? how would i write that even
>>19647485If you're looking to publish fantasy you need to write with shorter sentences and start closer to the inciting incident of the novel. Incorporate backstory and lore organically as the main character interacts with it
>>19647485You're not a good writer now but you can always get better. I'd recommend writing a bunch of short stories to get a hang of the basics first. You can write them all in the same setting if world building appeals to you
>>19647485Right now you're writting summaries. You're comma splicing for no discernible reason other than just being generally illiterate yourself. I stopped reading after the first paragraph and really only skimmed it to see if you would ever use a period.
>>19647485It reads like a bunch of bullet point notes strung together.
>>19647485A few quick observationsThe year does not seem to matter since you say 15xx, either say 16th century or drop it all together.Reprobi is probably not what you want, probi is slang for someone on probation, Reprobi implies on probation again. Do you want people to think of that with the name of your kingdom? "Maria, Maria," don't repeat like that, the comma implies Maria, or should.A total of around 500? either it is a total or it is not. You state that the kingdom has collapsed but also say it is holding itself together. No need to repeat that Laurent is a surrogate father, once is enoughWhy is 2000 impressive?It is fine for a first draft, go through it with the red pencil, figure out what you actually say of worth to the story pull those bits out and build off of them being more clear and concise in your goals.
>>19647485This is just a summary
>>19647578How do you write without writing summaries? Whenever I write it feels like I'm writing a summary but I don't know how to not do that
Your grasp on written English is absolutely atrocious. You also don't seem to really understand how story telling works. My suggestion is to actually read a book of fiction and pay very close attention.
>>19647811Describe specific scenes instead of summarizing the plot, an example that would work with OP would be writing about the moment that the kid is born.
>>19647811What you've done is "info dump", which is a bad habit especially in fantasy and science fiction. If you google "info dump" you can find articles helping you understand this. The more academic term is "exposition". Basically you're giving a lot of explanation about the world but it doesnt feel like there's action actually happening that the reader experiences. You're making us read about what happens, rather than showing us what happens.
>>19647839>>19647824Okay so like I get how to write a single scene, not hard. My problem is how you link multiple scenes together. To use OP's example, he has scenes like the child being born, mother's execution, child adopted, etc. But how do you link all of these disparate scenes together?
>>19647889For one OP should probably expand each event in more detail. Maybe give a chapter to the birth of the main character alone. The rest is just chaining scenes together in a sequence that makes sense. Like you could follow up the birth chapter with a chapter about the child being raised by Maria or you could even skip to him as a grown man and only reference the backstory when it naturally comes up
>>19647889chapters, or use a narrator as a framing device
>>19647928>>19647944How could a pregnancy take up a whole chapter, I feel like I'd have trouble writing more than a couple paragraphs about that
>>19647953you could include the mother's execution and surely there's a scene where somebody witnesses/discovers his birth afterwards?this would be a pretty interesting opening to a novel. you really ought to have more initiative than this, no offense.
OP here, im experimenting with postmodern writing in an attempt to mask the fact that im lowkey retarded, also as practice.
>>19647953Everything from the mother being executed to the baby being discovered is enough to make up a chapter. I really feel like you'd benefit from reading to understand the structure of these things
>>19647889>My problem is how you link multiple scenes together.Now you're approaching the tricky craft of literary structure. There's no easy or obvious solution, but one thing I've noticed about good fiction is they alternate between types of narration or scenes. It's already been said but if you read more fiction this is something you can pay attention to and learn from by seeing how other people do it.
>>19647982OP here, that guy wasn't me, im just afraid of writing too much filler so i kinda say things too briefly.
>>19647988>>19647982>>19647967I've read some fiction like Goethe or Junger but it seems like the stuff I read always seems to be just summarizing things like you say not to do, but they do it in such a way that it works.
>>19647989it's only filler if it's boring and irrelevant. don't be afraid to use short chapters either.
>>19647977I'm hooked. Publish this.
Rewrite every sentence where more than 2 commas were used
>>19647977>>19648019don't. this is uninspired dogwater. like something youd find in tlotiat
>>19648019Here's some more cancer i wrote, father
>>19648028uninspired? you mean original right?
>>19647977>racism (is) badholy cringe batman. you don’t actually believe that right?
>>19647811>>19647889>>19647953Scenes are for moments of change, either change in the character's situation, change in the reader's perception of the character or his situation, or change in the character or any combination of these, presented in real time. The beginning and end of the scene should be opposites. The scene should build to some kind of expectation, which is then reversed by the end. To connect scenes use cause and effect. Often it is enough to simply juxtapose scenes as humans are naturally wired to look for cause and effect.You could open with someone being executed. Then you reveal that it's an expecting mother. You build up the expectation that the child is going to die with her and then in the end reverse it when he's discovered to be still alive. End scene. Here you can insert a brief summary of the child's adopted upbringing or render a particular event (again, with change) as a scene.
>>19647485alright OP, another problem that hasn't been addressed is your misuse of tense. there's a scene from the past told in the present tense, and then a scene at a later date told in past tense.this is either a mistake or bold experimentation and i dont mean to be rude when i say it's likely to be the first in this case. make up your mind and stick to it.i think you would benefit from developing a strong narrator figure. either create a character to tell the story (they don't have to introduce themselves or appear in the story or even present themselves as a person), or rigidly define the parameters of your distant 3rd person narration.
>>19648035It's very easy to relate to Steven, what a wonderfully written character.
>>19648035>>19648040you have hijacked OPs thread to share your stuff when you could have made your own thread. both of you are bad but at least OP is trying.
>>19648044Imagine actually fucking getting filtered by that
>>19647977This made me chuckle OP, so I made my own rewrite. Just keep practicing, you're no more retarded than the rest of us.
>>19648068to be fair i only read the title. i finished it now and it’s based
This whole thread reminds me of that one thread where OP posts his little brother's autistic dragon fiction.
>>19648101Even better shit
>le multiple layers of irony>le its shit on purpose on purpose on poipoisecringe
>>19648102Niggardner is back BITCH!!! HELL YEAH!!!!KYS
>>19648128hmmm I dunno I think this author jumped the shark with his latest entry. I still think Racism, Rape and murder are bad was his best work.>HURRR OLD GOOD NEW BADshut up, he was just better in his golden years.
>only 15 ips in this thread
>>19648052>The scene should build to some kind of expectation, which is then reversed by the end.Why do you say this? I feel like most scenes don't really do this and if every scene did it would be like some kind of M Night Shamylan kitschy twist after twist after twist shit
>>19648158Pay careful attention the next time you consume fiction. You'll see that nearly every scene builds up some expectation before reversing it. This is what creates Fretag's triangle or the "climax" of the scene. Usually the structure is a goal oriented one, i.e the character wants something, it seems like he's going to get it, but then he doesn't.
>>19648150literally some fag shilling his "pomo" rubbish for half the thread
>>19647811Maybe try reading a fucking book then lmaoGenuinely amazed people are giving you advice, I think they're better people than me.Unreadable info dumps aren't stories.
>>19647977WHAT IS THIS
>>19648195As an addendum, in more literary works, the expectation will be addressed or otherwise dismissed--that's another more meta way to "reverse" it. In one of Pushkin's short stories, for example, he builds up this expectations regarding a duel (with guns) between two character. A lesser writer would play with the expectation regarding the outcome, i.e either A dies or B dies or they both die or none of them die etc. Instead Pushkin, knowing his reader has already read stories like that, does a time skip instead to many years after the duel, delaying the outcome to create further suspense and reversing the expectation of the expectation itself. Chekov does the same thing in his story, In The Cart, where he keeps bringing up the tall, dark, handsome bachelor, who the main character thinks is cute, only to completely dismiss him as a potential mate by the end, resulting in a far more profound "solution" to the story.
>>19647485>i dont read books but im writing oneIt shows>im completely retardedWe knowFirst tip: read booksSecond tip: don't go into autistic detail about your kingdom. IfI wanted autistic history lessons I'd read actual history, which will be infinitely more fleshed out, cohesive and relevant than any fictional kingdom you can come up with. >immortal guy who ends up being sad and a disappointmentHow? He's immortal and shit, he's superhuman. Be specific