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/lit/ - Literature

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1963992

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 18:47:16 2011 No.1963992 [Reply] [Original]

Just curious as to what you guys think.
Constructive criticism is encouraged.
I just recently started feeling a lot more creative with my writing and I tend to write poems on my phone when I'm working and I camw up with this one today. Just want some honest opinions I guess because I can't trust my own judgement.

Each day that goes by
I see the iridescent sky
Shining like gems.
Oh what an oblivion of hymns.
It's so eccentric, It's so right.

Even at night
The diamonds glow bright
With an everlasting flow
Of beauty to show
Me the right kind of life
To end this strife.

No longer diseased.
I now feel relieved
With my eyes wide open.
I see what is true.
The kingdom of God
Lies within you.

Not in a box
Made of wood and nails.
It's all in the heart.
We must all make our own trails.
To see is to be free.
Honesty is the key.
Freedom comes with the mind
Of being gentle and kind.

You know that bright star in space?
The one we all share.
It is what gives us all life.
It is what ends all the strife.

So don't follow blind faith.
Just let the sun brighten your path.
The stars will guide and pave.
Now just let your mind be saved.

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 18:50:16 2011 No.1964002 > I see the iridescent sky > Shining like gems. this is as far as I needed to go, seriously, write 1000 words a day and try again in a year.

>>	Rangaha !KJKZ7n2h3I Wed Jul 27 18:52:16 2011 No.1964006 >>1963992 You suck, take >>1964002's advice

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 18:56:16 2011 No.1964013 Harsh words. >>1964006 Thank you >>1964002 for actually providing some reason.

>>

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 18:58:16 2011 No.1964019

HOW BOUT DIS ONE

One is a number
so very unique.
Individualism.
Powerful and weak.
The single man,
He has a feeling.
Something to change,
Something revealing.
Though only one.
He stands alone.
His blood is pumping.
His heart has grown.
All of a sudden-
another just like him!
They feel the same
Emotions within.
Solitary no more.
Loneliness adieu
They stand together
Now one becomes two...

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 18:59:16 2011 No.1964021 >>1964019 Two becomes three, Three becomes four. Together they fight. Together they grow.

>>

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:01:16 2011 No.1964026

OP, it seems to me that you are earnest in your pursuit of writing poetry of worth, so I'm gonna give you some pointers:

Your poem has absolutely no concept of rhythm. The main goal in poetry is to create a song-like quality with your words. The syllables should flow as one note in music flows into another.

If you evaluate your lines, you will see that most of the syllables jar and grate against each other. Say these lines aloud to yourself, right now:

>Just let the sun brighten your path
>Freedom comes with the mind
>Me the right kind of life

You can see that they don't sound good. They tumble around, like a can full of rocks.

One other severe problem you have is that your rhymes obviously mandate your lines. Don't do this. It's so apparent. Rhyme pairs like "free" "key" and "mind" "kind" make your poem seem childish, like you paused before the next line, going, "what rhymes with free? bee? sea? dee? fee? glee?" etc.

Like the syllables, the rhymes have to be fluid and natural. They aren't supposed to be there because you NEED it to rhyme. They are supposed to be there because the rhyme fits in incidentally.

>>

Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX Wed Jul 27 19:04:16 2011 No.1964031
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This poem has no ulterior motive behind it as I'm reading; I'm reading it like a narrative but there isn't anything being said.

> Even at night
The diamonds glow bright
With an everlasting flow
Of beauty to show
Me the right kind of life
To end this strife.

Like what the hell is this? You're talking about diamonds glowing in a flowing beauty, but then "me the right kind of life, to end this strife?" That isn't even related to anything.

Basically, your pretty phrases don't necessarily sound good nor do they hold any apparent meaning as a whole. Each line is like FORCING rhyme for the sake of it and even so the rhythm is terribad - I still read it all broken up.

Also the two times you ended on "end this strife/ending this strife" bothers me. You need to expand on what you're trying to say if you basically can repeat what you told me without a problem. And I can tell it's not for any reason, you are just trying to rhyme something again with life.

>>

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:06:16 2011 No.1964035

>>1964026
Above all else, you need to make a serious study of prosody. You need to learn your anapaests from your trochees.

I suggest you buy or check-out from the library a book about prosody. If I have to make a recommendation, I would urge you to get this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Well-Wrought-Urn-Studies-Structure/dp/0156957051

It covers everything you need to know to be a poet of skill.

>>

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:10:16 2011 No.1964047

>>1964026
THANK YOU
Honestly, I'm no expert. I just REALLY enjoy writing. You know I was more of a math kid in school, I liked English but i didn't may enough attention and I think we went over poetry one time my senior year. So i appreciate the advice. However harsh.
I LOVE writing. I just lack the skills. I'm learning to play the guitar and I have an ookay voice. But it's something I'm passionate about.

>>1964035
You're right, i was kind of shoving words in there and manifesting my idea based off of what I could rhyme with. As I said, i just wrote this out on my phone.

The other poem is one of my more favorites, wrote it awhile ago though. Again rhyming for the sake of rhyming

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:13:16 2011 No.1964054 >>1964047 oops, mixed those up.

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:14:16 2011 No.1964055 File: 2 KB, 126x126, 1292454403990.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >I see the iridescent sky >Shining like gems. >singular >plural Make it stop

>>

Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:14:16 2011 No.1964057

>>1964026

(Not OP)

I would argue that rhyme doesn't need to be incidental so long as the poem has been formulated to a certain degree.

For instance, in something like Annabel Lee, Poe repeatedly rhymes Lee with the sort of words you suppose anyone could sit down and proceed: Lee, sea, me, etc. Yet he had developed the syllables to be evocative, despite their banality, because of the nature of the poem.

My two cents anyway. As for the OP, dude, that was bad. You need to start reading a lot of poetry before you attempt it.

>>	Anonymous Wed Jul 27 19:16:16 2011 No.1964063 >>1964057 I mean, I'll write it all I want... Whether i should feel comfortable with sharing it is another story. I'm just asking for advice.