/lit/ - Literature

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962704]

I return with addition to the story I am working on - I attempted to work around with some memory, dream-sequence and the whole chopped up movement of words.

Please point out things you feel could be changed and things you like - it helps!

Also, to assist in reading, anything in parenthesis -> ( ) <- is the main character imagining an immediate thought or conversation.
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While I stand limber on just one of the distant hills in many encircling me, the elderly shrubs nearby firmly hold their positions scattered among the random patches of mashing dead and vibrant grass. There are bushels of leaves that collect as families below the trees that birthed them on their branch, coating the present expanse in a full-fledged variety of colors with every step forward. How mighty the trees, I imagine them! An unfortunate realization for my own, as my thoughts delved to us dancing in the leaves as they fell from the above trees, standing so majestically tall so to fake their petals like rain-drops.

Now, I envision the trees trapping you – they would sweep along with the wind blowing in quaint spurts, as the gusts that once lead into a violent breeze begin to hush. The day lays itself down on the horizon so the night may ascend to tease the tides, bringing reason to the winds and illuminating your pale form among my vivid forest sanctuary. Under our cloak of night and among the plethora of pines in my creation, my image reappears to seat itself beside your floating hands, rigidly awaiting my own hand to twine with yours.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962706]

>>1962704
>>1962704

Stark apparition of your form jolts at my mind, forcing my limp hands to immediately craft a grip around yours without a hesitation. The strain of my eyes vying to catch a faithful glimpse of your hands once more pleads before me, but I am contempt of my vicious obsession of her. Necessity then begs for a final scope of the world created for her in this imagination – for her to admire, the forest remains, with leaves still dancing down on an astonishingly natural wind. In considerations to the intricacies of my portrait, I initially – (could still see the hills from where we were, and she whispered ethereally to me about how she feared them. when i dumbly gazed on to her interest asking why, she diligently cried about it happening now. Oh, oh no why now what are behind them watching us, we need to adventure and see but without a strong man to lead, and she didn’t stop ever, like some infinite radio buzz churning. and i was so afraid of the hills after that. what a thrill to visit the hills with the shrubs though for my love, repeated over and over. )

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962707]

>>1962706
>>1962706

With a view of the woods from afar it draped in the image of that of the fall season, my inner thoughts dueled for her a palette of colors of what lay between the cold hues of winter yet beyond the death of vibrant summer. And though the dying liveliness of fall being what the utmost intent was for my woman, a solemn queerness arose when my eyes scoured the scenery to escape seeing the hands – an endless void of white, mismatched with various grotesque outlines of trees once there before in my memory. I had, subconsciously, destroyed the environment in the sudden occurrence of my arrival near the woman, with my mind in an endless limbo as to whether our earthbound cradle remain a matter in the presence of her being. There was swift verification as the information bended among previous memories within the consideration of her importance, for I tried once more to imagine a landscape to no avail before us; my innate removal of our scenery was frightening and for a moment, the blank landscape suffocated us as it seemingly enclosed.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962709]

>>1962707
>>1962707

My writing hand, which until now was gently keeping the pencil in place on the table, flung on the vehement rise of my head from the table. A fresh pool of spittle was instantly noticeable from where my mouth once lay, leading my dreamy thoughts astray as the horror from the dream slowly faded. While weary, I recalled my introduction into the thought as like a vivid memory, whereas supposedly my admiration of the visage bonded to the enduring insomnia revolving around my devotion to her. My hands initially ignore the position of neither the paper nor the pencil as they reach up and rub at my eyes to fully pull myself away from any false reality I may indulge in half-sleep, for I consider the previous dream as something of complete incongruity towards my appearance of her. A mentally marked failed attempt to modify an imagined situation to the ultimate taste; it drove my hands down from my eyes to slap the table, the anger that soothed within me becoming one vile concoction brewed in depression. Heavy header, I found back a direction down to the table, resting it at just such angle to view her drawn hands on the paper which was now pushed awkwardly up against the broken table lamp diagonal its starting place.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962710]

>>1962709
>>1962709

Something new on the image stung at my heart on its sight however, as so my intent on the issue did not follow suit with the actuality of it – before me and drawn out without care during my sleepy haze was the concept of her face, marble-solid aside some shoddy features to account her female design. A sudden urge arose to scream though I held no mortal terror for the image, more so I was in a sheer disbelief of what I had truly suggested in the originality of my claim. Keeping my head in its locked seat on the table to continue stabbing her face with my glare, the conundrum began – I kept her face as empty to allow the infinite influx of fantasy to adorn it, yet as it set into the drawing itself it became as a trait in its own as it sculpted her to seem almost like a some kind of un-bound angel, faceless and without mortality. Her face suggested to me as I still watched it intently, an air of freedom to her expression. She looked back onto me empty, as though my definition of her immediate feeling towards any well-versed situation between our imaginary forms was never mine to command at all; as though she yearned to hoist the world herself, emotional trial and strife yet coaxed aside the whimsical words we could shout out to the world regarding our loves, our lives.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962711]

>>1962710
>>1962710

(the love for you i have is beyond what i can give to you, for i know you are my little girl or i want you to, but i don’t because i fear you so much. i fear sex and love a lot too, you know? you are among my fear, walking with those sounds that are alike with the beats. like the beating drums i might play for you and hearts or shoes that make the noise, especially the heels, i know you may wear on those feet that are bare with our banter. because you are so open. clean from the shoes, the heels or the bare feet with our banter, but the bare feet are clean! hahaha! they are diamond slippers their own calibur, you know? fragile but no, no, no. you are you! the bare boast of mine who is pretty, flowing hair – no! you are barren, bare boast, and i have met you before so why do i feel so? you are pretty and i want you. i want you to look at me and hear me and to love me, we could make love and sex.)

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962712]

>>1962711
>>1962711

My fist met once more with the desk as the frustration that boiled deep in my gut churned over the first concept of a conversation between us. A wave of emotion seemed to crash down on me as I sat up and pulled the picture before my face in a swift jarring motion, pathetically preparing my throat as my voice shook to the shift of my cheeks bleeding red. I initially choked out a pleading yell to her, begging her to return her voice to me in my imagined rambling over her sexual desire to me with only the sharp echoes of my voice quickly vanishing to accompany the first jolt of rage.

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This is where I left off. Basically, the real turmoil is going to start now so I'm glad that my story can get into full swing.

[Anonymous No.1962731]

are you writing purple erotica for women

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962733]

>>1962731
>>1962731

No, though I knew a comment like this was bound to happen in the context of this section.

[Anonymous No.1962744]

There's way too much detail for my taste. Try to cut back on descriptive things like
>just one of the distant hills in many encircling me
-- of course the character is just standing on one hill, unless the character is a giant who could have a foot on each.

>There are bushels of leaves that collect as families below the trees that birthed them on their branch
Try to avoid starting a sentence with "There are." It breaks the flow. This sentence is also pretty awkward in general...

>violent breeze
Oxymoron

>tease the tides
I love this.

>forcing my limp hands to immediately craft a grip around yours without a hesitation.
Should be "without hesitation," not "without a hesitation."
immediately/without hesitation is redundant, and forcing/without hesitation is a bit of a contradiction. Hesitation is the product of reflection, and if you're forced into something it's not up to you.

>The strain of my eyes ... pleads before me
I'm not even sure what that means.

>I am contempt of my vicious obsession of her.
"I am contemptuous," perhaps?

>she diligently cried
This doesn't make sense.

Overall your sentences have a nice flow to them, but sometimes you use weird/incorrect/meaningless phrases, or you misuse words. Keep writing, but try to avoid assaulting your reader with adjectives and adverbs. Instead, use more precise nouns and verbs.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962752]

>>1962744
>>1962744
>>1962744

It's a real peeve of mine to use words repeatedly as I'm writing so occasionally, in my attempt to deviate from this, I do tend to like...really try and write out a new phrase. It can be good, it is usually bad however.

Thank you for the specific examples - I think I just need to read more often to broaden my vocabulary and see how prose generally moves along.

[Anonymous No.1962754]

I was the guy who didn't like your rhetorical question, yesterday, and though this wasn't what I was expecting, I still like it, this might be a matter of personal taste, but I think your writing caters too much to the reader, the descriptions that your narrator gives are to me overly detailed and unnatural. I like your prose lots though.

[Anonymous No.1962756]

>>1962731 here, i feel the same way as


>>1962754

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962762]

>>1962754
>>1962754

I feel then that the real challenge in my writing would be finding the ability to balance certain passages of this prose alongside straight-forward talking from the narrator.

I'm glad you're still enjoying it!

[Anonymous No.1962790]

While I stand on a hill, the elderly shrubs nearby hold their positions among the patches of dead and vibrant grass. There are leaves like families on branches, coating the sky in colour as I walk. I think they're strong or something.

Now, I see the trees trap you – they would sweep along with the wind blowing in spurts, as the gusts that lead from a violent breeze begin to hush. Now it's dark. My image reappears to seat itself beside you, rigidly waiting for my hand to twine with yours.

-------

The rest is too bad to salvage. Stop trying to write old-timey. Do you live in the country or the city?

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962806]

>>1962790
>>1962790

I live in a moderately sized town. We're notable, but nothing crazy.

And while I do understand that I COULD write it out like that, I feel I'm not really getting across anything aside from the story being told. Yes, I want to tell the story but I also want to elicit an emotional response from the reader that doesn't come from me just blandly recounting events.

The old-timey thing is just how I go along with it, so to simplify any of this would all generally be as I edit. Of course, after his whole thing is all done, I plan to just go back, re-read, and re-work anything that is just too confusing/unnecessary/weird out loud. However complicated it is, I like the way I write.

[Anonymous No.1962814]

too many adjectives, whenever you have one in front of every noun it gets to be a real douche to read.

[Anonymous No.1962817]

you clearly put effort into your work, and it's far better then the majority of stuff posted on lit, especially that paragraph ^


i too feel as though your writing is too antiquated. while not necessarily a sign of poor writing, you're unlikely to find many people wanting to read it, and it's better, as a writer, to keep up with the current trend anyway. you'll be much better received if you do

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962825]

>>1962814
>>1962814

Noted.

It's not really something I'd be for reading in the long-run neither, though I hope by toning down the adjectives the work will shine through.

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1962832]

>>1962817
>>1962817

I'm still on the hunt for modern authors who's style is similar to mine. I don't necessarily want to copy these people but I do want to study how "purple" literature has still moved into the hands of a modern audience through them.

And thanks, I take my time with this stuff!

[Civil !!fhPDS2AJYWW No.1962852]

I can't be the only faggot who wanted this image.

[Anonymous No.1962900]

OP please don't take this the wrong way but are you a native English speaker?

[Sherlock Holmes Guy No.1963120]

The first couple posts are a little dense with adjectivery for me.

After
>>1962709
it picks up the pace again.

>Stop trying to write old-timey.

No don't!

[Pointman !!+QAUf+RigRX No.1963449]

>>1962852
>>1962852

Saved because that is genius.

>>1962900
>>1962900

One of the finest I know. It's pretty typical for 2nd language English writers to mix up their statements regarding punctuation and adjectives, but for me it's just the clash of occasional misuse working with just too many adjectives. Thus, the piece ends up looking reeeeeal weird.

>>1963120
>>1963120

I'm unsure if I'm considering to keep the dreams like that or not - I don't think the confusion is pulling across any ideas for people that he is dreaming, rather they're just getting confused/annoyed.