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/lit/ - Literature

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File: 87 KB, 823x979, Prison.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1961169 No.1961169 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, I wrote this in 15 minutes for 750words.com and thought it was okay for a quick story.

I've never had my creative writing critiqued though, so I was hoping for some criticism here.

I've been reading The Count of Monte Cristo for most of the day, so that's obviously where I got the idea of a prison escape from, and also some of Dumas' writing style has probably seeped into mine.

But anyway, what does /lit/ think?

>> No.1961203

sucks ass go blow a goat

>> No.1961205

Bump.

>> No.1961226

you could write the same story with 400 words and it would be far better

>> No.1961231
File: 285 KB, 1275x1651, story.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1961231

Pscht! I wrote this in 30 seconds.

>> No.1961232

I stopped at the third sentence. Try saying it out loud.

>> No.1961237

It's not awful, and you can describe action well enough, but your style's bloated. Try to cut that down to 500 words (if it's 750) and think how you can condense it further, shortening sentences, using simpler (= less 19th century) vocabulary, replacing phrases with single words, skipping irrelevant details, etc. All that sounds austere, but you need to know how to handle the basics well before giving things an old fashioned touch.
The only way to improve your style is to think about it and analyse other writers: I suggest you read James Joyce's short stories. Make an outline of what you're going to write before you start, so you focus on the writing of the story, rather than on making the story up as you go and putting it down in the first words that come to mind, etc.

>> No.1961239
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1961239

> fury of a badger

I lol'd honestly.

I just don't even know what to make of this.

>> No.1961249

>>1961237
>>1961232
>>1961226
Yes I see what you mean, and reading it over a few times it does seem bloated. As for the 19th century language, that probably came from having read a lot of Oscar Wilde and as I've mentioned Monte Cristo recently, but I wasn't consciously trying to sound like that.

Thanks for the advice and recommendation. I have Ulysses but haven't got round to reading it yet, so I've never read anything by Joyce. Maybe I'll start with the short stories then.

>> No.1961251

>>1961239
I sat there thinking of something to put there instead of badger. I meant to change it afterwards but forgot. :(

>> No.1961277

One last bump.