Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.19264282]

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[Anonymous No.19264284]

[Anonymous No.19264286]

translation

[Anonymous No.19264319]

>>19264286
I like your take on this theme, it's a breath of fresh air. I also like that you broke it down into enumerated parts, but you didn't make full use of that. For example, you can do away with the "and yet" which signifies a change, but after we've seen the number II above we are aware that a change has occurred or is about to occur, otherwise why split it into pieces?
Going by the same logic you can move the italicized "A million granit [...] towers this desert." to below the numeral III. The meaning of those lines fits a lot more with the third part and will offer a very strong image as the start of that part; it will also answer the question "where" which arises from the line "here I stand" - in the desert of the crushed granite men.
What's more is if you move those lines, the second part will end with a bang - "... this first eye contact, man fall."
I'm not going to go too much into the langauge because it's a translation.

[Anonymous No.19264403]

>>19264282
Anon, there's a poetry general in the catalogue, you know?

[Anonymous No.19264589]

>>19264403
I think we can safely move over here and start fresh.
t. dragonbro

[Anonymous No.19264600]

Graystone, skeleton,
I have been degraded too,
despite forgetting

[Anonymous No.19264702]

>>19264600
checked
I don't think there's enough there to convey what you're gunning for but it's a good foundation

[Anonymous No.19264761]

I must've known that evening,
and maybe long before,
that you would never be mine,
or I, yours.
Still, I watched you there,
in that impossibly bright room,
where the air itself seemed to bend
around your form to take the shape
of not your body, but the tomb
of that which within you, I knew,
would soon leave me.

And now, sometimes at night,
when I sleep until I can't anymore,
my capillaries screaming,
I use the window, not the door.
My gaze is raised to find stars,
the way they stain the sky
like boxcar graffiti, beautiful
but distant in their long voyage,
to know the pain of their light,
that it has died, now dies,
is always dying upon us.

But we are bound by gravity
and neither of us can be sure
exactly where our bones will rest,
in graves, or just dirt.

[Anonymous No.19264820]

Skulduggery P.
wishes he had cheeks like me
but the starry night

[Anonymous No.19264963]

>>19264761
I like that. A lot.
The imagery is very vivid and very striking
"the shape of not your body, but the tomb
of that which within you, I knew,
would soon leave me"
and
"the pain of their light,
that it has died, now dies,
is always dying upon us."
A very very beautiful way to talk about the scientific fact that stars are thousands of light years away. This is precisely what good contemporary poetry should aim to incorporate - knowledge and concepts of the world that we have, that didn't exist before.
Very powerful last stanza, again with that "grounding" contemporary touch, excuse the pun.
What I think you should now work on is your language. You've pinned down the meaning and the theme, now read it aloud to yourself and notice the cadences, notice how the sounds fill your ear and where they are too clustered or too sparse.
Fix simple mistakes such as "the shape not OF your body", it still means the same thing but it flows better. I'm sure you'll notice other such grammatical inconsistencies when you read it aloud, or if you let it rest for a couple of days and come back to it.
Another thing that will benefit this piece a lot is formatting. I know 4chan fucks up formatting when text is copied here, but even so I think you can look at some poets and their use of visual arrangement of the text, like Cummings.
Be bold, see what new meanings and interactions arise when you leave lines too long or when you space specific words too far apart. You can always go back if you don't like it, but allow yourself to find the true shape of this poem.
Good luck.

[Anonymous No.19265681]

>>19264963
Thanks lad, much appreciated. I actually recite lines aloud first before writing them down so I think a spoken reading would allay your concerns with flow. That being said, you might be right about the formatting in that it doesn't necessarily deliver the cadence that I hear when I read it to myself. Here is my reading, interested to hear how it's different from what you heard in your head. Thanks again
https://voca.ro/13AvnDPVSs37

[Anonymous No.19265783]

>>19264282
There was a man from nantucket
who wanted to shit in a bucket
he bent himself down
and started to frown
"if my arse had a hole then I'd fuck it"

[Anonymous No.19265931]

>>19265681
Very interesting. What you're doing reminds me a little of composition by field (Charles Olson), the concept that breath should be the fundament upon which we build verse, not syllable rhythm.
I like what's happening but I think there are a few pauses here and there at the end of a line that are unnecessary and disperse the energy of the poem.
You can try removing the line breaks and reading it then and seeing where it is that your breath naturally interrupts the flow and try using those as the primary line breaks and work off of those.
It's different to what I hear in my head in places like
"where the air itself seemed to bend
around your form to take the shape
of not your body, but the tomb"
at first I didn't like it but I think it's grown on me to have a pause after shape. However, that doesn't apply to the last stanza for example, there the pauses interrupt the energy flow from the poem to me and doesn't end up hitting as hard.
You should take what I say with a grain of salt because where I'm from the inflections of phrases and sentences sound different and my ear might be trying to shape the poem accordingly. I don't think that's what's happening, but I can't be sure.

[Anonymous No.19265973]

>>19265931
>actual good advice on /lit/
What a guy. Definitely feels like a line break thing to me now, I'll try your suggestion.

[Anonymous No.19265983]

>>19265931
Also, any good literature on this Olson method?

[Anonymous No.19265991]

>>19265973
It's time to bring glory to /lit/, boys. I'm glad I could be of service.

[Anonymous No.19266002]

>>19265983
I'd say read his essay/manifesto
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/articles/69406/projective-verse
Which, to be fair, is written oddly and sometimes doesn't make a lot of sense. A better way to go about it would be to listen to him reading one of his poems and to analyze what he does. This is a very strong example:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYxpSjkyAg

[Anonymous No.19266215]

Lost inside my body
I search for ways out
Not into death, but new life
Where feeling is free.

The swimmer rises with
The growing of the ocean
As the land is effaced
& forgotten.

No rainbow, no omen
New Noah is familyless
Alone in his eminence,
He's perched, sifting thru
What's below:
Shells, telephone poles,
Shimmering bubbles, & some
Salmon of knowledge.

A hand breaks the surface
Without disturbance
Reaching for the sustenance
To bring into the dual fire
Of creation & consumption.

Mindless now, I shake my head
& all the snowflakes fall at once.

[Anonymous No.19266271]

I climbed a mountain yesterday
as the sun was about to rise
behind it in the deepest
alcove of the valley
and where the tall pines
with leaves like icicles
drip dew onto the ocher undergrowth.

From atop the mountain yesterday
I saw villages to my left and right
And to my front I saw a flight
of birds flying high
towards the crimson sun, why?
Were they not afraid of being exhumed
out of this universe like a burning fuse?
Did their hearts not beat fast at the touch
of shafts of light so unjust
to all the men who lay sleeping in the valley
And all the crewboys of all the galleys
below in the foamy white sea
dotted with memories?

I climbed down the mountain yesterday
as the sun was about to set
back into the cobalt blue mat
when I saw the birds returning
into the tall pines
with leaves like wriggling worms.

[Anonymous No.19266316]

>>19266271
First stanza is perfect in temperament. Something's off though when the questions start coming through as though it's off tempo but that could be how I personally read it. Maybe give the "why?" it's own line.

[Anonymous No.19266381]

>>19266316
Thank you, I'll work on that. Do you think the third paragraph not making sense in terms of tense is a killer? I think changing it into "I was climbing down the mountain yesterday" will ruin the poem but as it is, it doesn't seem right.