I am the anon that wrote about how I almost lost my entry into wizardhood last thread. Just don't read this blog if you don't want to, I'll warn you here so you can't complain. Just need to say some things off my chest.
Usually I hate talking about myself this much braggingly but it needs to be understood that my whole life I never had any contact to women and my whole life consists of escapism and desperate distraction only to not think about this reality which I thought I would never experience. In school it was like girls didn't exist, or at least I acted like that, there was no interest and no crush. Retrospectively I see that something must have been wrong with me for completely dismissing the female pupils all around me, but at the time being I only saw how my friends developed an interest in them but I never understood. Also my anxiety and low self esteem was so strong that I thought I would never have any chance anyway so I didn't even allow myself just to think of girls. In university it was different, I was fully aware of what I was missing out on and my outsider position became increasingly aware and used to make me go insane. I resorted to drugs and a shitty lifestyle just to cope, and it was all hopeless. Of course, at the time the lacking contact to girls was only one problem of many, me living alone and being forced to meet people made psychotic or at least gave me derealization. The drugs only made it worse, it was all in all a bad and painful, lonely time. I found wizchan and started to identify with that, it was a refugium that made sense. Well, after 8 years of living like that, somehow finishing my useless social science degree, I moved back to my parents because at the time working was impossible and rent too expensive. So I started the NEET life. Gave up on drugs, started to entertain the idea that this is how my life will end, NEET hermit for life and developing serious agoraphobia. It was a different kind of despair than in college. In college the pain was sharp, thinking was quick, and I was in constant panic. Then as NEET I started to accept my fate in life. Didn't need drugs anymore. Things got both more peaceful and more seriously suicidal. But women were not a part of it anymore. I accepted my path of wizardry and it felt good or at least I didn't care. My biggest strength right now is the knowledge that I probably should have been dead years ago due to suicide, yet I'm here and now I have nothing to lose in life. Well, then this year I started a job a few months ago, my parents pushed me and I was like whatever. The first 2 months were pure hell, the mental and physical adaptions were brutal, any NEET out there who started a job again will understand. And now this party happened and now this women is inviting me for next week as she has holidays. This is almost too much for me, feels like years of loneliness find an odd conclusion here. It feels like years of existing concentrate on these days, emptiness vanishes.