[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 4 KB, 250x250, poetry.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
[ERROR] No.19106458 [Reply] [Original]

This is a post and rate thread
So post your own shit
No rate = No feedback
You know the drill

>> No.19106463
File: 71 KB, 1278x744, The Pillars.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
[ERROR]

>> No.19106478

I am drinking a beer
The beer is very good
I like beer.
But it hurts my stomach sometimes...

>> No.19106522

>>19106463
>sheathed in a skintight ring of a hundred black pillars
I don't get it - a ring of pillars suggests that an image with spaces between them, but then it's skintight, which suggests there aren't.
Also 'sheathed in a skintight ring' sounds lewd.

>freedomlust
Retarded

>weightless air
Why is the weight of the air pertinent? Does air ever have weight? That's the wrong adjective. I think you mean 'frictionless' although that doesn't sound right here

>I realise,
There shouldn't be a comma. I also don't like that you state the realisation instead of leading the reader to realise it. And I can't imagine from what you've said how the perspective is deceptive.

>I behold
Redunant

>In the horizon, all around me
Clunky

>axeblade
the blade particle is redundant

The next line is too long and too explicit.

>And I am free, for now I see
The sudden rhyme here doesn't work at all.

Last line isn't justified by the rest of the poem and doesn't make sense, it just seems arbitrary and pretentious.

To go back to the first paragraph, you want to emphasise the smallness of the pillars here for the poem to work, however in fact you emphasise their largeness and multitude

Also axes arent' white.

Finally, the inconsistent anglicisation of 'realize' but also 'axe' bothers me