/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.1900107]

Red leaves see,
Where white seams seem,
And from the seams spill
the red leaves' will.

A blistered tooth;
Splintered ground beneath
Tailored feet and
Earthen word besieged.

When time grows tired
beauty slumbers,
The beast born tracks
hold the wayfarer's feet.

And in the sinking tongue,
The whisper takes cities in the wing.
Bit of surreal (?) poetry I've been working on. Any criticisms?

[Rangaha !KJKZ7n2h3I No.1900123]

I suggest keeping to a single rhythmic pattern. Additionally, do not alternate rhyming. That's fucking retarded.

[Anonymous No.1900124]

>>1900107

A couple questions, some concerns--> When you start reading some actual poetry, you know.... good modernist shit, you'll see that they don't throw words together like you have. They don't expect the reader to believe that leaves can see. Unless the importance of this inanimate object being able to "see" will be constructed through metaphors, similes, etc, don't try and make leaves see. It's dribble and infuriating to the reader.

>white seams seem
liked it

>Earthen word besieged.
again, use your words to construct an emotion, illicit something within the reader, hopefully something profound. All you're doing here is stringing words together.

>beauty slumbers
cliche as fuck, come on now.


>She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

Bit of old-timey Blake, but try and grasp how he constructs emotion. He makes every word "matter". The sexy rhyme scheme doesn't hurt

[Anonymous No.1900127]

>>1900124
Def meant wordsworth. hopefully my credibility isn't fucked to oblivion

[Anonymous No.1900135]

http://vocaroo.com/?media=vTcE5sdM6Ip5p9iKl

[Anonymous No.1900145]

>>1900135
>>1900124
Thanks for the criticism :). I hear all your points and agree with most of them.
Like I said I was aiming 'surreal', so the poem is barely strung together by anything. So yeah, weak emotional development I suppose. The last two lines are my favourites though :p.

Would you recommend a rhyming scheme or syllable pattern, maybe a theme, and I'll try something new?

[Rangaha !KJKZ7n2h3I No.1900151]

>>1900145
>not linking me when I was the first to give criticism

[Anonymous No.1900156]

>>1900124
>illicit something within the reader

[Anonymous No.1900157]

>>1900151
Sorry, I don't know how to respond to what you said :(. But I'm taking your advice on the rhythmic pattern

[Anonymous No.1900287]

>mfw reading good poetry on /lit/

well done sir

[Anonymous No.1901735]

>>1900287
Thanks :) glad you like it