/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.18943173]

This is a post and rate thread
So post your own shit
No rate = No feedback
You know the drill

[Anonymous No.18943239]

Poll position for enby earthworm.

[Anonymous No.18943321]

Her eksisterer vi som Sandkorn i Vindsusets Hånd:
Hukommelse i Gentagelsens Verden
Selvtugt i Stimulansens Verden
Kondensation i Fordampningens Verden
Essens i Reproduktionens Verden

en Cirkel, der ender og en endeløs Spiral
En Fjeder i Paralyse og en fjedrende Sokkel


translation


Here we exist as Grains of Sand in the Hand of Wind:
Memory in a World of Repetition
Discipline in a World of Stimulus
Condensation in a World of Evaporation
Essence in a World of Reproduction

a Circle that ends and an Endless Spiral
a Spring in Paralysis and a springing Socle

[Anonymous No.18943540]

>>18943239
Possessive "its" has no apostrophe. The rhyme & meter are competent. It's worth a sensible chuckle of anyone's money. (It's "pole position", if you didn't know.)

>>18943321
The structure is OK but it's a bit too abstract and intellectual. Compare it with Eliot's The Hollow Men, which uses similar rhythms. Eliot makes sure we get tangible physical impressions too. (Your first line is a concrete image, but it's incoherent. Grains of sand held in the hand are kept together. Grains of sand on the wind are scattered. Perhaps this is deliberate but it doesn't work for me. A first line can't ask too much of the reader.)

I did learn the word "socle" though. Not a common word in English. Maybe more common in German?

[Anonymous No.18943844]

death culture

sitting in a room
thinking of the paths taken in life
stirring doleful contemplations again
while desires desires
desires are falling

thinking my youthfulness of life withstood
countless acts of self-destruction
living deadly tales of self-betrayal
deriving pleasure from self-ruin
my precious reflections
teach no more beside the dooming

it’s all fading fading fading—fading as a growing emptiness
(like the kind objected to when signaled from dull stares)
distances awareness of it all
reminisces deeds from a better self
flourishes counters to motivation
explains this heavy glare only a mirror comfortably shares
assure me that Ive earned the right to justifiably kill myself
is it really too much to ask for such a righteous exit?
from one corrupt soul to society
why make one have to beg and plead
let a worthless life take it’s leave
with granted, solemn dignity

[Anonymous No.18944035]

>>18943844
I feel like I'm dying (which I am) but like at rocket speed. You did good, anon.

[Anonymous No.18944676]

>>18943173
I rate everyone's stuff better than this.

“Hey, mommy-o, you feelin’ blue or you got a clue?”

“No, Joe; I’m a jazzy, snazzy disco dawg, and I’ve got an itch to get rich. You want me to get my punk on or my funk on?”

“Well, when you bounce with the big boys, you’re gonna be boogying down all around town. You the kind of glam clam that can slam that blam?”

“Hee-haw, sweetbaby-o. I’m ready to get movin’ so I can get groovin’.”

“You’re in the right place, howdy-boy-eah. When it ain’t show time it’s blow time, and either way it’s go time.”

“I guess I best get the glitter out of my shitter if I’m gonna be ready like Freddy. You good to go or you gotta blow some snow?”

“If you don’t know it, you can stow it! It’s time to remix our fix before we’re pickin’ up sticks. I’ve got the thirst to go in first.”

“Hey, watch it, soul child! When I ain’t bumpin’ bass I’m lumpin’ face, so stop actin’ hip if you can’t get a grip, or catch me on the flip side, ya hear?”

“I’m gellin’ like jell-o, jelly-baby! So crack this open and clown it down, Cowabunga-Charlie, and you won’t have a naggin’ for what you’re beggin’ for.”

“You’re right, that’s as smooth as my groove, and I’m ready to pop like candy corn!”

“That’s phresh! Now grab the daisy chains and let’s go, or we’ll miss the KC and the Sunshine Band concert.”
Generated by Actual Conversations LLC

[Anonymous No.18945488]

>>18943540
'Poll', verb, - "record the opinion or vote of".
As in, I'm in position to receive everyone's feedback about my poem. It has nothing to do with the Polish nationality.

[Anonymous No.18945656]

>>18943844
Second half is pretty good. First feels like good material, but it needs to be punchier and more concise.

In lights again in mind again
In again in thoughts again in
Too fast again in
Crushed again under heel by future conspiracies from God again
Waiting again for life to begin again in not too long

Again I see the future, I never lie to myself
Again crushing back towards the now the future makes demands again
Sacrifice again another now for then
Soon again I shall attend Saturn's feast
Dread Saturn, always scorning now for then

In dark again in stars again
In again in sky again in
They pass too fast again
Crushed again under heel by past conspiracies of Gods again
Waiting again for death to pass me by again
Oh far too soon.

I have not yet nearly sacrificed enough.

[Anonymous No.18945687]

>>18943239
I like it. Is the intended audience children? With the illustrations and simplistic rhyme, it sounds like it would be.

[Anonymous No.18945755]

>>18943173
Highly recommend Paul Fussell's Poetic Meter and Poetic Form and Poe's essay The Philosphy of Composition.
https://www.scribd.com/document/332511050/Fussell-Poetic-Meter-pdf
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/articles/69390/the-philosophy-of-composition

[Anonymous No.18945934]

Wrote picrel yesterday. Completely unedited so far (beyond the scribbles)
>>18945656
I'm sorry, but you have a terrible rhyming scheme, and 0 meter. I get what you're trying to do with "again" but it doesn't work
>>18943321
Little wanky, but it's not bad, and I suspect it works better in whatever flavour of Scandispeak that is. Could benefit from being expanded
>>18945687
It's not bad, but for some reason it feels awkward around the middle. Might be the rhyming scheme

[Anonymous No.18946687]

>>18944676
What is this supposed to be?
>>18945656
I like the repetition of again, but I like poems with more structure and straightforward messages/narratives.
>>18945934
It's got rhythm, but I don't like these kinds of poems, so I can't say anything more.

The Tusk

There was a child, in the glowing dusk,
Following some forest's old worn track,
Who ventured far and found, with anxious joy,
An empty glade about a wooden husk.
There, within the stag, a velvet sack
Lay hidden (sweet treasure to a boy).
Within the sack, within the stag, a tusk
From the bag he pulled—his face went slack,
As he beheld the disappointing toy,
Which smelled of ancient musk;
An artifact from way way back,
Then holes he saw, and a crack;
This looked to be a trumpet tusk!
Would long lost warriors deploy,
(Suggestable by blood-flecks black)?
He thoughtless does the horn employ,
And low a sound, dreadful and brusque,
Shoots out, to his young ears annoy;
His senses and his stomach rack—
Black the sky, no longer dusk,
He cannot see his homeward track!
This piercing horn far from a toy,
Buried in the hidden husk—
To which against he stumbles back—
The stag's maw opens wide and black!
Swallows whole the witless boy,
Blind to the forgotten, evil, fusk;
Ignorant of the bloodstained tusk;
Another on the stump's bone stack;
A cruel collection stretched far back
Under the tree husk, short and coy,
Standing lone in the meadow black.

[Anonymous No.18946821]

Birds had then packed up their things
Turned to southern routes their wings
And so, out my window, it was a surprise
To spy from inside the fog of sunrise
A strange looking passerine
Sleeping on a branch of pine
When the rest of his flock had flown
But then at last, some light shone
And the fog cleared
So it was revealed
That the passerine, all alone
Had been a lone pinecone

>>18943239
>enby earthworm
was this the given topic? its about as good as a poem with this prompt can be. i really like it. hard to read at first, but i got better with practice
>>18945934
>hammer on the keys
of a piano? i thought you were listening

[Anonymous No.18946895]

Now so the tide comes clearing
I'm but the night sounds hearing
Next to my cape fox singing
There in a nightgown dear thing
Wearing flowers for earrings
And one of them keeps falling
The yellow primrose evening
Then when I'm all but thinking
That an end might be calling
A bedside phone starts ringing
And though I'm set on stalling
The phone insists on driving
Me out of bed. But picking
Up confirms: my biggest fear
That none of it had been real

>>18946687
why does it change tenses halfway through
>>18945656
if the god is saturn, then its not God but god, no? the sacrifice and the god and the conspiracy elements could be more ambigous, buried under more complexity
>Again crushing back towards the now the future makes demands again
this is good

[Anonymous No.18947281]

>>18946895
I don't like the period in the middle of the line and the enjambment towards the end. I liked the rhythm it had before, and the lack of an end rhyme pulls the punch of the conclusion. The near rhymes throughout are less of a deal as those. Liked the faling earring and phone ringing part a lot.

>why does it change tenses halfway through
I realized this before but forgot to change it. I like the immediacy of current tense, but forgot to update it. Thanks
What do you think of this?
>>18945687

[Anonymous No.18947426]

>>18943239
The rhyme is there.
But I dislike your shilling and faggy drawings.
>>18943321
I don't rate translations.
>>18943844
The last stanza has the best content. You can do without the rest.
>>18944676
Strange
>>18945687
Boring
>>18945934
Why are pseuds so drawn to typewriters.
Is it all about the larp with them
>>18946687
There is rhythm but the poem is boring.
>>18946821
Good length. I guess
>>18946895
Fun. The flow could be a little better though.

[Anonymous No.18947441]

>>18943173
Nice body, but
Bad in the back

She rich
Hella stack

Nice rari
Nice rack

I'll be back

Again and again
Just say when

Your so fine
Please me mine

Give me a sign
Your almost devine
Indeed

She's what I need
So I plead

Maybe it's greed
I concede

But her, I need

>>18947426
My rates

[Anonymous No.18947455]

>>18943173
>an improvement on last threads work. I hope!
>what is it still missing?

Flat stomach
Pale skin, pigtails, I'm in
This slut

Blowjob and but
No or

Another whore
To my score

>>18947426
My rates

[Anonymous No.18947493]

>>18943173
>What can I do to further improve this?
>Is the rhyme and flow all good at lest.

Tell no lie
Hope to die

She, lay, and stay
What a day

I think twice
She, my vice

Cold as ice
What's the price

My soul
You, take your toll

That's your goal
Yes

I see
But why

Wish you die

No lie

>>18947426
my rates.

[Anonymous No.18948200]

bump

[Anonymous No.18948381]

>>18947441
Lol fun poem, nothing too special to me but a nice smirk

>>18946821
Like the concept of the poem but it feels forced into rhyme and a bit clunky

Here's mine, been messing with a more prose style

[Anonymous No.18948862]

>>18943173
Its, over and over, in October
November, December, remember

The Love, the Lust
Lack of trust

Thin as crust, a crumb
It was dumb, and done

Wasn't, fun

>>18948381
Like the concept.
But it could use more rhymes. But that may be personal preference. Its also a little wordy. Isolate the important parts of the poem and get rid of the rest.

>The wind
>Last fall
>Swept me away

>To rot away
>With the past

>My form
>Won't last

That's an example.
But that may be a little to simple

[Anonymous No.18949179]

bump

[Anonymous No.18949342]

Out - out!
Go there.

Aye there’s the rub,
I must have left it beside the tub.
If we’re leaving, it all needs cleaning.

It’s July my guy.
Change your calendar to that speckled picture of spring lavender and,
With your darling intimations of quiescence,
Cut off time, space, the rent, gloating.

Yoga is a gateway drug
To Varada (beneficence).
Endless pulsing circles make
Borromean rings make
Skeuomorphic mosaics make
A spasmodic tonic of want and
Wanton desire.

Make like a hermit
Make children.
Sing in the grove
Caltrops strewn about the woodland path
Make sure you bring plenty of glass jars, plastic makes you infertile.
Cut up the fizzling body stuffs
(Salmon painted, with streaks of white leaf.)

If only you could go out, out!
Go there.
Cross blankety-blank space.
Kill self? Kill all that makes it.
Kill the tantric, the vendor, the maw.
Kill the tonic - splash it’s oily drippings about the palatial grounds.
Keep your lighter, throw away your satellite cities.
Keep quieter, throw away nonessential uttering (and the tub-rub).
Keep the lovesick, remember unhappiness.

[Anonymous No.18949386]

I abandoned this one some time ago, probably never finished it

Don't let nobody tell you pain will make you strong
It'll make you morbid, empty, cold and sad
And morbid man is like a seagull with a broken legs
You ever seen a seagull fly off with a broken legs?
He can got the strongest wings on him
But he don't have much use
Cause he can't even get him up and fly away

He know there's much'n more fish in the bay
And even more seas to be seen some far away
But they been telling that the pain will pay
And when it pay you'll be as strong as birds of prey
But they don't tell it'll break him legs the same
And he can push him wings off the ground and still not go
He'll think he's weak, but he don't know
About his broken legs

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18949674]

>>18946687
It’s not bad but I think you need to work on producing more harmony in image and sound, terms like brusque have no relation to anxiety and these both seem far from terms like stag and so forth. Unity is a major key.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18949682]

My most complex poem yet, and I know it’s silly in first glance but still.

The Song of Yaldabaoth.

IAOROBORO’LOLOBORO’SOKOBORO’KO’MO’BORO’SOBO’SOBO’BORO’AOLOKOMORO’LOLOBORO’LOGO’MOLOLOKOLOCOYODOBOTOBO’TOAOLOGO’BORO’CORO’ZO’ZOROGORO’TO’LOKORONONOMO’BORO’MONOLOCOLOKOLOGO’LOLOMOLOHOROZOCORO’ZO’MONOBORO’NODOLO’NOWO’WO’BORO’DOLO’BORO’MONONOMO’BOROMONOBORO’MODOMONONOMO’MONOLOGO’LOKOMODOLOGO’OROBOROAI

translation
he who was and is and is to come, he who eats his own tail, he who is the double negation which negates itself as the many-headed Gandaberunda who devours the universe, the devouring rest of Rest, the devouring of the nature of this world, which is unchangeable transience, the bloody devouring, the Word which kills this world in insane-gnosis, the birthing of the son of Ain, of righteousness, the Being of the Word, the devouring of Choronzon and the old old world of temporal time and its laws, the devouring into one incomprehensible World in one voice, the perishing of the hour, of the life in time in unity, no longer shall there be grief, nor shall there be woe, woe devoured, grief devoured, only one law, all devoured into oneness, the devouring leaving only one Law, only one voice, the world only but one voice, the ouroboros of OAI.

BORO=eater/devourer
OROBORO’=ouroboros=tail eater, allegorical for infinity
LO=Not in Hebrew,
LOLO= not-not, the double negation, which is to say, a positive.
LOLO=Red in Gypsy.
‘SOKO’=OKSOKO modified by both elision and liaison, means the thrice/double headed bird, used here as a reference to the great and terrible Gandaberunda form of Vishnu.
KO’MO’ double elision of Kosmos=universe/world
SOBO’=Shobbos=shabbos=sabbath, the time of peace and rest.
‘AO=Tao, the way, the causal force in nature, that which inherently pervades the structure of nature as its inherent inscape.
LOKO=modified rarer form of Loka=world
Moro’=moros a Greek deity and term meaning doom, grim-fate, the morose.
Logo’=Logos, the word which is also identical to God.
MOLO=modified Gypsy term meaning death-died
LOCO=crazy In Spanish

YO’DOBOTO=Yaldabaoth, Son of chaos/void but also God of righteousness
BO’TO=righteousness in enochian
CORO’ZO=Choronzon, the life-in-time, the empirical ego and transient temporal human time.
ZORO=from Zoroaster, form of Greek term meaning Old.
GORO’TO modified form of a Greek term meaning old.
‘RONO’=Kronos modified, God of temporal time
MONO=One
HORO=Hour/Time in Greek
NO=no.
DOLO’=modified form of Dolar meaning grief and or sadness
WO’=Woe
Nomo’=Nomos, spirit of the law.
MODO=only/simply In Latin

Final note
132 syllables in gematria same as QBL(Kabbalah)
262 letters. (Same value as a word for song in Hebrew)
128 syllables between IA and AI, (128=32x4, the four trees of the four world in totality.)
13 letters other than O used (Achad/Ahahbe, unity/love in Hebrew.)

[Anonymous No.18949758]

poop?
ill take a scoop

[Anonymous No.18950588]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18950593]

I don't like what I'm reading here because I don't like nature, abstract thoughts, suicide and meanness

Anyway, I want to participate. This is the kind of shit I produce

Sitting lone at the bar
thinking about thinking
I won't get very far
Drinking without drinking


Prying the door that's ajar
Maybe she enters a lady
I've been playing in this park
My drunk past as a baby


Look at his bubble face
Biggest child of alcoholic dream
How did he came to this place?
Chewing along at some wooden beam


Maybe I'm through
What is it to you?
A merry string of ideas a-glowing
A line of shame in my mouth now bloated
A mellow thought that's somehow worth it
Maybe I'm not, but maybe I'm poetry

[Anonymous No.18951501]

Bump
Please leave feedback with your post.
Why is that so hard.
Can people here not read or something?

[Anonymous No.18951568]

Flænger:

en flænge åbnes på tværs af et tidsrum.
en skælvende finger skærer sig på dens kant.
i det jeg drypper fra fingerens flænge,
suges jeg igennem til den anden side.


translation


Cuts:

a cut opens across spacetime.
a trembling finger cuts itself on its edge.
as I drip from the finger cut,
I am sucked through to the other side.

[Anonymous No.18953007]

>>18951568
>>18950593
>>18949342
>>18949386
Rate you faggots.

[Anonymous No.18953450]

>>18949386

Am I the only who enjoyed a fit of laughter upon reading this? I am sincerely grateful for it to have come into my life

[Anonymous No.18953461]

>>18951568
this is just the plot of the second dark materials book

[Anonymous No.18953612]

>>18953007

OK even though I left my thoughts above the piece: >>18950593


>>18949386
The image sticking out here are the broken legs, that's a morbid one alright. Too strong, all the impact is revealed very early into the poem and sucks all the effect right out.

Also I would like to see how the pain is inflicted into the seagull as it acquires that painful knowledge. Some cool fishing story would be nice.

It is strange to think of a seagull with broken legs and intact wings. One would figure the wings are more exposed and prone to damage, but you could get away with it if you put some work. Also, I would make the thing shorter and expand the central idea, but you probably thought of that already.

I like the theme and maritime metaphors

[Anonymous No.18953638]

>>18951568
I did not know about science fiction poems. Kind of cold

[Anonymous No.18953784]

>>18953612
I see many birds where I work that have fucked up legs. I have no idea why.

[Anonymous No.18953805]

>>18949682
i have to admit it you are an interesting person

[Anonymous No.18953907]

>>18950593
3rd stanza
>How did he came to this place?
Should be 'come', no?
Also the last line,
>Maybe I'm not, but maybe I'm poetry
Sounds very silly to me. Otherwise, I like the rhyming in the first 3 stanzas, and it's somewhat interesting, although not my kind of thing, and I don't know what the message is.

Do any anons here think they will get any meaningful criticism or are many of you looking for just people's initial impressions of your poetry? I find very few critiques that I think help my poems, but appreciate people's impressions. It's just that people like different styles, so their critiques aren't too helpful when you're going for a certain style.

[Anonymous No.18954300]

>>18949682
>IAOROBORO’LOLOBORO’SOKOBORO’KO’MO’BORO’SOBO’SOBO’BORO’AOLOKOMORO’LOLOBORO’LOGO’MOLOLOKOLOCOYODOBOTOBO’TOAOLOGO’BORO’CORO’ZO’ZOROGORO’TO’LOKORONONOMO’BORO’MONOLOCOLOKOLOGO’LOLOMOLOHOROZOCORO’ZO’MONOBORO’NODOLO’NOWO’WO’BORO’DOLO’BORO’MONONOMO’BOROMONOBORO’MODOMONONOMO’MONOLOGO’LOKOMODOLOGO’OROBOROAI

>>18953907
sometimes initial impressions are very valuable and sometimes you get good specific feedback
>ABBA and ABAB
i find ABBAs to be very unsatisfying and the shifts between ABBAs and ABABs were a bit wierd. if ABBAs were A and ABABs were B, your poem would have an overall ABBABBBA structure which is one B too many and in anycase unsatisfying. also to many doors. but i do like that the spooky ended funny but still spooky

[Anonymous No.18954306]

>>18949682
based

[Anonymous No.18954794]

>>18954300
My spooky poems do not end funny in any case. Not my preference, but the structure I could change for the better. I will look it over. For funnier poems I have a couple for you.

A limerick:
Was a skeptic of low intellect,
Who said "Earth is flat, I suspect,"
We all said that he lied,
So he jumped off the side,
And dammit, I guess he's correct.

[Anonymous No.18955608]

wesh sheh frar
uh-nact ka-loo ligs k’free k’shay
greddy dungee la-pawn soodoo-ro-koo fluh
meppy shala
breem ma-moosh vivi-chafa
mmm-spreshla, rowl-uh