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/lit/ - Literature

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1847614 No.1847614 [Reply] [Original]

Sup /lit/

I've been working on a book since I was 13 (23 now) mostly in my head but recently started writing it down and have a good 7 chapters down so far.

So tell me would you read a book featuring 6-16 year olds as main characters in a post-apocalyptic world where they have magical powers and have to deal with a shitload of stuff no person should have to deal with including: rape, torture, imprisonment, discrimination, alien attacks (LOLWUT I know, small but important part of the plot), poverty, war, religion etc etc.

It's basically a mix of X-Men + EYES of Mars + Akira + The Golden Compass + Firefly and couple others.

>> No.1847621

How about you quit pussy footing and give us an excerpt from it instead of hyping it up needlessly.

>> No.1847630

I wouldn't read it, but I'm not your target audience, anon.

>> No.1847632

>>1847621
fine, picked a random passage. This is before shit goes down.

"It was another week before she regained consciousness. She groggily woke up with a splitting headache and she felt as though she had a very high fever, before she opened her eyes she could hear the steady beeping of a machine which she immediately deduced was, correctly, monitoring her heart rate but she didn’t know that for sure at the time nor was she in the mood to care. When she opened her eyes everything was incredibly blurry and she could feel sweat dripping down her face which stung her eyes so she closed them again and took deep breaths, after a little while she opened them again and she found herself in a very strange room hooked up to very strange equipment with a clear tube stuck in her arm and a mask over her face which blew air into her mouth and nose. Everything around her was pure white and the air smelled of whatever the tube was made of as well as some strange scent of a liquid which was sprayed over everything it made the room smell so unnatural and dry. When she tried to sit up she found that her arms were tied down to the bed and as soon as she pulled on the cords tying her to bed an alarm went off and two women dressed in white with masks covering their faces so she couldn’t recognize them quickly came into the room and looked into her wide open eyes. She heard one speaking to the other in a language she had never heard before and one went over to the machine next to her bed and pushed a button a few times and before she could say anything she was unconscious again."

>> No.1847635

>>1847630
and WHO exactly do you think my target audience is? (hint: not 6 year olds)

>> No.1847643

>>1847635
Young adults who are into that kind of thing, I guess?

>> No.1847646

>>1847632
Sounds good to me. I'm 15 by the way. Also, watch out for run-on sentences. Maybe even throw in some that are only a few words long to make it a little more powerful.

>> No.1847647

>as soon as she pulled on the cords tying her to bed an alarm went off and two women dressed in white with masks covering their faces so she couldn’t recognize them quickly came into the room

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

>> No.1847650

Whenever you do >It's basically a mix of X-Men + EYES of Mars + Akira + The Golden Compass + Firefly and couple others.

That means it's shit and you are just trying to get a positive association with your work. Whenever people try to compare it to something else, it's usually "Look we say it's like this, so you should try it if you like these popular works that have little to nothing in common. Or in some cases, are basically outright plagiarism!"

>> No.1847651

>>1847647
>as soon as she pulled on the cords tying her to bed an alarm went off. Two women dressed in white with masks covering their faces so she couldn’t recognize them quickly came into the room.

Fixed.

Also, lol asshole deleted his comment when he realized he was wrong :D

>> No.1847653

>>1847650
NOPE.

My story shares small parts with each of these books, there isn't any actual plagiarism going on. I created my story before firefly existed and before I'd even heard of The Golden Compass.

>> No.1847656

The awakening in a hospital or what not or otherwise hooked up to machinery in an unconscious state is so overdone in post-apocalyptic media.

Can't anyone think of a better solution for "I just want to write about the post-apocalypse, not the before or during."

>> No.1847658

>>1847653
Then what reason to you have to call them similar?
You are saying that to draw interest without any basis.

>> No.1847660

>before she opened her eyes she could hear the steady beeping of a machine which she immediately deduced was, correctly, monitoring her heart rate but she didn’t know that for sure at the time nor was she in the mood to care

Wait, what?

>> No.1847661

>>1847653
When the Anon said 'in some cases" you immediately assumed that you were one of those cases.

Guilt?

>> No.1847664

>>1847656
this plays a small but important part to the plot then everything goes back to normal.
>>1847658
Because the premise for those works are at least vaguely similar to my story, in other words, I'm noting the similarity before someone calls me a plagiarizer. There really isn't much they have to do with one another, especially The Golden Compass, save for the writing style and how the world in expressed (if anything I want the writing style to be as close as possible but not necessarily the plot).

It takes most heavily from EYES of Mars and a tiny bit from Akira. Everything else is just passing similarities.

>> No.1847667

>>1847660
she finds this stuff out later, for now you should know she lives in a world where is nothing more technologically advanced than a windmill.

>> No.1847671

>>1847664
I suppose "at least vaguely similar" is the best you have going for you, because I'd be hard pressed to say your excerpt is "at least vaguely similar" to good writing.

>> No.1847672

>>1847656

You could have someone coming back from space oh no, planet of the apes or people coming back from a cruise and docking in harbour to find horror ensues, with zombies or whatever. But in act it's pretty hard to think of a way to deal with apocalypse without getting bogged down in all that "I seen the Eiffel Tower an it was all falling over an that" sort of stuff.

Cormac McCarthy avoided it entirely in the road, just started with them walking, they'd been walking, they're going to walk, and that's all you need to know right now, dear reader. and I'm not going to tell you much more either

I think the fact that you had to ask the question rather than suggest an alternative shows that it's not as easy as it seems - that's why so many people revert to the 28 days later, OMFG WHERE IS ERRYBODY type start.

>> No.1847676

>>1847671
gtfo my thread
>>1847672
that wasn't the start of the book, that's 19 pages in.

>> No.1847678

>>1847632

>she she she she she she

Please don't overuse the same word that much in the first line. Even if it's a common word, finding better ways of phrasing takes it up a whole level.

I'd read it, but I might not buy it.

>> No.1847677

Quick advice for OP:
>most sentences need to be shorter (commas are doing the job of full stops here)
>using 'very', 'incredibly' etc. to modify adjectives is almost always A Very Bad Idea

>> No.1847679

It sounds more like a terrible version of the Fallout series, only with magic. Specifically Fallout 3.

>> No.1847682

>>1847667
I meant that the order of the words seems wrong (it's correctly monitoring her heart rate?). And I suspect 'guessed' is better than 'deduced' if she doesn't know jack about machines. And if she doesn't know machines... that's one hell of a good guess.

>> No.1847688

>>1847682
fixed:

"It was another week before Ari regained consciousness. She groggily woke up with a splitting headache and her head felt feverish. While her eyes were still closed she could hear the steady beeping of a machine which she deduced was monitoring her heart rate since it beeped with the rhythm as her own heart, but she didn’t know that for sure at the time nor was she in the mood to care. Her vision was blurry when she tried to open her eyes and could feel sweat dripping down her face which stung her eyes so she closed them again and took deep breaths. After a little while she opened them again and found herself in a very strange room hooked up to very strange equipment with a clear tube stuck in her arm and a mask over her face which blew air into her mouth and nose. Everything around her was pure white and the air smelled of whatever the tube was made of as well as some strange scent of a liquid which was sprayed over everything it made the room smell so unnatural and dry. When she tried to sit up she found that her arms were tied down to the bed and as soon as she pulled on the cords tying her to bed an alarm went off. Two women dressed in white with masks covering their faces so she couldn’t recognize them quickly came into the room and looked into her wide open eyes. She heard one speaking to the other in a language she had never heard before and one went over to the machine next to her bed and pushed a button a few times and before she could say anything she was unconscious again."

>> No.1847692

>6-16 year olds
>rape, torture, imprisonment, discrimination, alien attacks (LOLWUT I know, small but important part of the plot), poverty, war, religion etc etc.
please make the cast older. I hate it when people try to do grimdark angsty bullshit for preteens

>> No.1847693

>>1847692
sorry, can't do that. This is stuff people of all ages go through, young kids are no exception. It's not meant for a very young audience anyways as they wouldnt enjoy/understand wtf is going on.

Also, only one character is 6, the rest are 13+.

>> No.1847696

>>1847688

per my "she she she" issue, you seem to have moved in the right direction.

I urge you to distance the narrative from "Ari's" perspective. You could tell most if not all of the description and sensations she feels if you stopped it from being 100% her perspective. Step back, let the scene describe itself, without being clunkily absorbed by Ari, and then you/the audience.

>> No.1847698

>>1847688
>She groggily woke up with a splitting headache and her head felt feverish.

Did she feel her head? Why can't you just say

>She groggily woke up with a splitting headache and felt feverish.

That's a little better at least.

>but she didn’t know that for sure at the time nor was she in the mood to care.

Completely unnecessary. How exciting, setting up an apathetic character.

>was sprayed over everything it made the room smell so unnatural and dry

lol run-on

>When she tried to sit up she found that her arms were tied down to the bed and as soon as she pulled on the cords tying her to bed an alarm went off.

Reads more like someone is observing her than a narration of her.

>She heard one speaking to the other in a language she had never heard before

You could write this in a simpler way.

>When she tried to sit up she found that her arms were tied down to the bed

Just the arms?


Tons of other stuff

>> No.1847704

>>1847698
she's sick so she doesn't have the strength to care right now.

>> No.1847705

>>1847698

Trust him - he knows all about getting sprayed on, unnaturally.

>> No.1847706

>>1847696
It actually seems to jump between her perspective and an omniscient narrator... it needs to go one way or another and stick to it.

>> No.1847707

>people help OP
>OP feels scared and leaves
>/lit/

>> No.1847713

it's poo

>> No.1847715

"It was another week before Ari regained consciousness. She groggily woke up with a splitting headache and felt feverish. While her eyes were still closed she could hear the steady beeping of a machine which she deduced was monitoring her heart rate since it beeped with the same rhythm as her own heart, but she didn’t know that for sure at the time nor was she well enough to care. Her vision was blurry when she tried to open her eyes and could feel sweat dripping down her face which stung her eyes so she closed them again and took deep breaths. After a little while she opened them again and found herself in a strange room hooked up to strange equipment with a clear tube stuck in her arm and a mask over her face which blew air into her mouth and nose. Everything in the room was pure white and the air smelled of whatever the tube was made of as well as some strange scent of a liquid which seemed to have been sprayed over everything and it made the room smell so unnatural and dry. When she attempted to sit up she felt thick ropes were tying her arms and legs to the bed and when pulled on them an alarm went off. Two women dressed in white with masks covering their faces so she couldn’t recognize them quickly came into the room and looked into her wide open eyes. She heard one speaking to the other in an unknown language. After they had a few words with each other one went over to the machine next to her bed and pushed a button a few times and before Ari could say anything she was unconscious again."

I'm still here. U MAD?

>> No.1847717

>>1847713
Those people who say you are your own worst critic?
They've never been to /lit/.

>> No.1847718

>>1847713
You have a lot in common then.

>> No.1847719

>>1847717
Then obviously you are failing at being self-critical.

>> No.1847722

>>1847715
I don't know whether I should be happy that you took my "advice" to heart or whether I should be worried that you are so easily persuaded to make changes.

>> No.1847724

first drafts,

have you heard of them?

apparently no one in this thread has.

>> No.1847725

>>1847722
>implying I took your advice

HAHAHAHAHA

>> No.1847729

>>1847722


I was going to comment on the fact that he edits so rapidly, almost as if he's not THINKING ABOUT THE WORK.

>> No.1847728 [DELETED] 

>>1847713
You have a lot in common then.

>>1847717
Then obviously you are failing at being self-critical.

>>1847715
I don't know whether I should be happy that you took my "advice" to heart or whether I should be worried that you are so easily persuaded to make changes.

>> No.1847730

>>1847724

Which is why we're telling him to make it better, not burn it.

Editing, ever heard of it?

>> No.1847731
File: 28 KB, 373x521, MZluosMqf.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1847731

>>1847718
>>1847719
>>1847717

>> No.1847737

>>1847725
You changed everything I mentioned

You must have a different definition of "taking advice".

>>1847729
I'm starting to wonder if it's OP or if it's actually not "19 pages in". So silly.

>> No.1847742

>>1847719
Not OP, just an anon being hilarious.
>>1847729
And yet... the latest version is considerably better than the first.

>> No.1847744

The stupidity in the thread is overwhelming.

>> No.1847747

>>1847731
You've only done one thing that could be remotely even considered signigant, that being the "authorial intent" comic. The rest are terrible, as is that which you just posted.

On the plus side, at least you don't look as bad as your posts.

>> No.1847761

>>1847742

>And yet... the latest version is considerably better than the first.

Yes. But it's not the best technique long-term. Still, for 4chan edits, not bad

>> No.1847767

OP here, btw, I only posted this for your opinions on the STORY not the writing as I will make it look pretty when I'm done with it in editing. Right now I just want to get the basic idea of wtf is going on out of my head so I can get on with the rest of the story then nitpick when the story is finished.

>> No.1847770

>>1847761
I entirely agree.
Community based writing is an almost assured way to be awful.

>> No.1847782

>>1847767

Then by all means, give us story details. Tell us of your scenes, your character progressions, conflicts... don't attempt to sell it based on "it's like this, with a bit of this."

>> No.1847808

>>1847782
Here's the basic plot that reader is told in the beginning:
There was a war, billions died, the few hundreds of thousands of survivors got to together and agreed to try to not kill almost everyone again. There is no electricity and nothing more advanced than a windmill. Eventually (dates are not given) children with strong psychic powers are discovered and are taken to special schools were they're taught how to control their powers so they don't accidentally kill people or be killed by people who are afraid of them. There they learn about everything possible in the shortest amount of time as a side-effect from their psychic powers they are also incredibly intelligent, some slightly more than others. The main character, Ari, has been having dreams about fire for years and learns how to harness the power of fire too. Shit happens, more people die, their world literally gets turned upside down and then things get more complicated (spoilers).

Along the way certain characters get raped, tortured, etc. They are faced with the challenge of somehow saving a dying world while still being children faced with all the restrictions on their movement, rights, and freedom due to their status as children.

>> No.1847810

>>1847808
Oh, so you're writing a post-apocalyptic X-Men?

>> No.1847814

>>1847810
Or an X-men style The Chrysalids...

>> No.1847815

>>1847810
they all have telekinetic powers and none are deformed like the mutants in X-Men. So, sorta, but not really.

>> No.1847818

>>1847808
>There they learn about everything possible in the shortest amount of time as a side-effect from their psychic powers they are also incredibly intelligent, some slightly more than others

whoa nigga, good luck depicting that well

>> No.1847823

I should have just started with
>I've been working on a book since I was 13
and said /thread

I really doubt your ideas as a 13yr old were really great enough to warrant a novel and that you are allegedly 23 and still think it's a great idea says a lot about you.

>> No.1847824

>>1847823
Bitch, I already told you to gtfo my thread you fucking troll.

Ignored.

>> No.1847825

ok op, tell you what. How about the characters aren't super-smart (it's stupid) how about the main character can't harness the power of fire (it's stupid and derivative) and how about you convince me (or /lit/ in general) that any 14 year old would want to read your book over a novelization of X-Men or The Last fucking Airbender?

>> No.1847828

>>1847825
how about you jump off a bridge you cocksucking faggot?

>> No.1847836

>>1847824
And yet you incorporated my criticisms.
You can't have it bother ways.

Judging by your previous posts, I'm going to assume you mean "ignored" as in "not paying attention to" rather than "filtered" as in "I can't see your posts anymore".

>>1847828
At this point I can only hope this isn't OP anymore, or he's probably actually 13 and that's why he thinks it's a good idea.

>> No.1847839

>Would you read it?

no

>> No.1847840

>>1847828
after reading your tripe I'm considering it

>> No.1847846

>it's basically a mix of rape and windmills

>> No.1847853
File: 153 KB, 500x305, 4595485183_c02df0a541[1].jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1847853

>>1847846
I assume you mean it's about a windmill overlooking a rapeseed field.

>> No.1847854

>>1847846
Don Quixote is actually a psychic child molester; he molests psychic children in a post-apocalyptic world...
and then things get more complicated

>> No.1847877

>>1847815
So it's *exactly* like the Chrysalids then.

>> No.1847891

>>1847808
mary sues are an overused archetype, and fire is one of the most boring super powers ever. the only people that'll think this is cool are the dark, edgy, pretentious teenagers, and it'll be dismissed by everyone else.