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/lit/ - Literature

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1841624 No.1841624 [Reply] [Original]

critique my shit as shit poem

Same dust I’d let
(A night before)
Crawl-a-cross my
Cottond stomach
As I held—
My breath

But tonight, she is
Performing death
Colliding with inky
Purple walls—
Wings aflutter, falls
Falling dust to the floor

I hear her
Sit and listen
Then,
She as a tennis ball,
Ricocheting unglisten

Dull in dark
Paused— unregular, rests.
In myopic protests
Starts again
To beat her head against a wall
Looking for an incandescent ball

>> No.1841627

Fuck it. If you like it and feel it expresses what you want to say, leave it alone. Your style. Don't care. Sage.

>> No.1841630
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1841630

>>1841627
i don't know if i like it or not. thus my conundrum

>> No.1843459
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1843459

bumping for a fresh audience

>> No.1843463

OP this is some of the better poetry I have seen on this board. You are well on your way

I say this to a lot of poets but I would love if this sentiment were captured in a short story. It is so thought provoking.

It hearkens back to turn of the century poetry of some of the great masters

>> No.1843465

>>1841630
you already think it's shit. You said so yourself.
If you aren't courageous enough to stand up for your own creative output, don't send it out for critique until you are.

At the very least, don't "front-end load" the critic with the ideas about what to think of it. Why should we think it's anything but shit if you call it shit before it even hits the screen?

>> No.1843475

>>1843465
>implying you're telling me something i already don't know

my —artistic fragility— (fucking worst descriptor for that idea) needs hedging. of course my awareness of it drives me up a fucking wall

>>1843463
thanks guy. and yeah i'm playing with some annie dillard and virginia woolf ideas

mostly, i feel the poetic devices are weak and aimless

>> No.1843480

>>1843475

You are saying so much with so little words. They are definitely not as weak and aimless as you think or may be told

>> No.1843491

>>1843480
comforting— it just feels far and away less poetic than anything i've written before, devices and wordplay-wise. starting to channel some later american poets i guess

>> No.1843506

>>1843475
you're still hedging. Even in claiming you "already knew" you're hedging. You're allowing yourself to allow it to continue.

Your assignment is that next time you simply post asking for critique. "Please critique my poem" - nothing else. That sentence, then the poem.

It doesn't matter if you are talented if you keep saying "no it's shit" before each poem. At the very least it's tiring. More typically it's signifying your subconscious desire to really fail.

>> No.1843523
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1843523

>>1843506
thus the cycle continues. should i do another— one that i actually like, and open it up for critique?

ahem

heys guys critique my poem please? thanks in advance


46.
Where light reflects—
Refracts in epileptic flashes
Off a sleeping, dormant swimming pool
A plane of floating spinning flecks
You are bones in a weather-worn
Folding chair of torn—
Tearing fabric on an aluminum frame form
Forming geometric lines
Of obscured, absent sun-light
Laying restless on the paved walk—
Of pressed pebbles into cement blocks.
You are styrofoam goose bumps in the breeze
And pressing bony fingertips to skull
Never enough empty and never full
Looking for patterns in the pool
Some order in its undulating morse
Morose, more S-O-S or vegetablehuman drool
You reach down, empty ash into
An ageless aluminum cylinder symbol
Branded red and red and Coca-Cola
Wrinkled dead and dented— America
While you, having drawn in breathy fog,
Wait for fog to make you whole

>> No.1843541

>>1843506

Shut the fuck about his method of asking for critique and give him critique you fucking faggot.

You should ignore everything but the work presented, he should present nothing but the work. Fucking dicks everywhere.

>> No.1843546

>>1843541
>fucking dicks everywhere

i know, feels like i'm trapped in a borroughs thread

>> No.1843734

>>1843523
and not a critique was had
nor a fuck given

>> No.1843739

>>1843523

OP knows his shit.

>> No.1843747

>>1843739
thanks guy

>> No.1843766

Eh, some of the phrasing and use of punctuation feels a little pretentious. "Crawl-a-cross my / Cottond stomach" in particular kind of seems like it's trying too hard to be "poetic"-- why not just write it as "cottoned," since the pronunciation is the same in modern English? It seems like you're going for some kind of pseudo-Shakespearean deal with that. Same goes for all the dashes. It strikes me as pretentious and unnecessary personally, but I might be the only one. I do tend to be overly judgmental about stuff like this.

>> No.1843770

hipster shit 0/10, thanks for wasting my time

>> No.1843771

>>1843766
yeass man i feel ya. i must keep the em dashes for my own sanity and phrasing. to be honest i'm not attached to the "cottond," though i can assure you its not a shakespearian affectation. (in this case, its intended to be there so the reader doesn't try to throw in some cot-ton-ed triple syllable reading)

phrasing needs work— got it

>> No.1843772

>>1843770
and also with you