poetry rating

[Anonymous No.18367671]

very rough draft...i like the concept but im not so sure about the execution...please leave feedback

[Anonymous No.18367715]

I like the images
Could be a good technical death metal/grind lyrics

If you send this to "La Nuova Carne" on FB you might get published, if they decide to dabble in English

[Anonymous No.18367729]

>>18367715
the new flesh? never heard of it but i’ll check it out thank u

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !!bGBGaUpA8kS No.18367731]

>>18367671
*Babylonian
*Saturn
Both names in need of proper capitalization

[Anonymous No.18367738]

>>18367731
yes i know thank you

[Anonymous No.18367743]

>>18367729
They're some independent collective of crazy guys, Italian. I hope you get the name reference

[Anonymous No.18367744]

>>18367671
cool imagery, terrible meter. free verse is a meme, don't fall for it. line 9 is a joke how many syllables there are.

"I bite into your holy flesh
Divine is dripping down my lips
I bite and chew on rancid prayers
Soft tendons stuck in rotten teeth"

i cleaned up the first 4 lines into iambic tetrameter, see how much nicer it is it read

[Anonymous No.18367752]

>>18367743
ohh that’s cool. i speak italian but cant really write that well

[Anonymous No.18367758]

>>18367744
thank you! i’ll try that out

[Anonymous No.18367790]

>>18367752
The reference is to David Cronenberg's Videodrome. I won't spoiler it if you didn't watch (it's great, and judging by your lexical and thematical choices, you'll love it)

[Anonymous No.18367834]

>>18367790
oh yes i love that film. someone commissioned me to make a poster for it. i cant find the final piece but this is the idea.

[Anonymous No.18367840]

>>18367834
Cool, saved

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !!bGBGaUpA8kS No.18367895]

>>18367738

[Anonymous No.18367985]

Years ago, someone translated my "poem" in English

Let me know what you think